Dogbert: "Women like men who boast about their accomplishments, but they hate men who boast. I will be your designated bragger, allowing you (Dilbert) to appear Humble."
Dilbert: "One potential problem with this plan is that I have no accomplishments."
Dogbert: "Yeah, and if she isn't wearing make-up we'll be honest too."
        - Dogbert's advice on dating

Dogbert: "I've come to the conclusion that whats inside a person doesnt count because nobody can see it."
Dilbert: "I never knew you were such a philosopher."
Dobgert: "Thats my point!"
        - Dogbert's philsophy on life

"Why does it seem as though I am the only honest guy on earth?"
"Your type tends not to reproduce."
        - Dilbert & Dogbert

"When you're with a woman, everything you say will lower her opinion of you."
"But I can give her compliments right?"
"No! That's the worst thing. Women keep a log of all compliments. They analyse the pattern to identify negative trends."
"Should I use my real name?"
        - Dogbert advises Dilbert

"Should I date a co-worker?"
"You should date anything that has a pulse, bad judgment and no restraining orders against you."
"But she has to be hot."
"Settle for 'still warm'."
        - Dilbert and Dogbert

"You know what two things are very similar? Unpaid overtime and death. They both deny me the pleasures of being alive. How about a goodnight kiss?"
"Hey, you found a third thing!"
        - Dilbert and a date

"I'm not attracted to you, but I'd like to date you for one month. That should be long enough to resolve any tech support issues on my home computer, cell phone and home theater."
"Would there be any kissing?"
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"
        - Dilbert gets a proposition

"And I work there as an engineer."
"Go away. I lost $3000 when your company restated its earnings."
"...Tonight I was rejected for corporate malfeasance."
"I'll add it to the list."
        - Dilbert fills Dogbert in on another bad date

"I saw a fascinating documentary about bugs."
"In other words, you like bugs more than you like me."
"Yes, but I didn't realize it until just now."
        - Dilbert, on a bad date

"Maybe I should invite some friends over for a barbecue."
"You don't have any friends."
"Good point. I should make some friends first."
"Do you like meat?"
        - Dilbert, Dogbert and a random stranger

"Why is it unethical to clone humans?"
"Morality is based on accepted norms. And accepted norms are based on morality."
"It's self causing?"
"Ironically, yes."
        - Dilbert, in a philosophical discussion with the garbage guys

While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named 'Manual.'
        - Dilbert

"As you gain experience, you'll realise that all logical questions are considered insubordination."
        - Dilbert advises Asok the Intern

"Lately the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labour."
        - Dilbert

"Frankly I'm insulted that you asked me out. It means you think we're about the same level of attractiveness."
        - Dilbert's date

"It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year."
        - Dilbert

"I use no animal products whatsoever."
"Your clothes were created on sewing machines that used electricity from coal and oil, and those come from dead dinosaurs."
        - Mike the Vegan and Dilbert

"Uh oh, it's a gray area social situation. Do I know this guy well enough to say hi, or just look away?"
"So I went with the ambiguous tight-lipped smile that could be confused with a stomach ache."
"Your stories suck".
        - Dilbert, recounting his day to Dogbert

"I've noticed that all my problems are caused by other people. Yet it seems so unlikely that other people would cause me so much discomfort while I never bother anyone. Is it possible that I'm oblivious to my effect on others."
        - Dilbert and Dogbert

"This was our third date, Liz. Tradition demands that you miss me or give me the 'lets be friends' talk."
"No, our first date only counted as 85% of a date because we were wearing our sweat pants."
        - Dilbert's third date with Liz

"Time for your sneezing drill."
"Other people make it look so natural."
        - Dogbert and Dilbert (an early cartoon)

"This will be your new motto: Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching."
"You can't assign mottos to me."
"You'd better read our contract.
        - Dogbert and Dilbert

"You've been loving your animals and fighting each other. A civilized country should slaughter the animals and simply discriminate economically against each other."
        - Dilbert, spreading the message of civilization to Elbonia

"I heard your company is funding terrorists."
"Very indirectly. And they aren't the bad kind of terrorists. They're more like rebels who sometimes do terrorist things."
"How did they brainwash you so fast?"
"Iran supplied them with Powerpoint."
        - Dobert and Dilbert, dealing with Elbonian 'terrorists'

"I'm addicted to email. My endorphins spike when I get a message. When there are no messages, loneliness and despair overcome me."
"Have you tried sending email to yourself?"
"We don't talk about that."
        - Dilbert and Dogbert

"I can't do my work because the internet is too fascinating. The physical world no longer holds my interest. I find joy only on the internet."
        - Dilbert has a problem

"My marketing plan involved giving free samples of our cruddy product to celebrity lookalikes. The fact that it worked caused a steep decline in my respect for the intelligence of people. In conclusion, there's a fine line between marketing and hating."
        - Dilbert

The Boss: "We've just been informed that our product's name means something bad in the elbonian language. It means 'the intense pleasure derived from giving yourself a wedgie."
What Everyone's Thinking: "I gotta try that."
        - The Greatest Prank Ever Perpetrated by Elbonia

"Our surveillance cameras caught you posting this anti-management comic on the wall. This comic compares managers to drunken lemurs. Do you think drunken lemurs are like managers?"
"No. Some lemurs can hold their liquor."
        - The Boss and Wally


"Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now its more of a reincarnation model. If a worker learns enough in his current job, he can progess to a higher level of employment elsewhere."
        - Dogbert

Dogbert: "I'm going back to my old job as a network systems administrator"
Dilbert: "Why?"
Dogbert: "I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power"
        - Hmmm.. pow-er

"I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance."
"I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm too busy upgrading the network."
"You could have given me a new password in the time it took to belittle me."
"Yeah, but which option would give me job satisfaction?"
        - Dogbert the Sysadmin & Asok

"I dont know how to use my email."
"You need to upgrade your IQ a few points. Try listening to classical music."
        - Dogbert's Tech Support Service

"I have total access to every employee's email. With a few strategic edits, I will transform the office into Melrose Place."
        - Dogbert the Sysadmin

"There are two kinds of management problems. There's the kind you can solve by yelling and the kind you can solve by buying some sort of software. That's why I created 'Some sort of software that yells'."
        - Dogbert and The Boss

"Stop eating, breathing, driving, defecating and procreating. Sit in the dark and decompose on some garden seeds. Or do you admit you hate Earth?"
"A little."
        - Dogbert the Green Consultant advises the Boss

"You can thwart the unfriendly takeover by using something called a poison pill."
"I keep one in my watch. I'll take it immediately-"
"That's not..."
        - Dogbert's suggestion to the CEO backfires

"I need three bitter and unsuccessful scientists and a hundred lazy journalists."
"Did you know toddlers thrive on pollution?"
        - Dogbert visits "Rent-a-Weasal" consultants

"I'm always wrong about everything. What can I do to fix that?"
"I recommend shopping. The customer is always right."
        - Ratbert and Dogbert

I need a job where my immense ego seems normal.

63% of all statistics are made up... including this one. When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed… - Dogbert "All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. Its always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they dont like it."

        - Dogbert

"You must use the stars as your management guide."
"Does that work?"
"If you believe it works, then you are not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. So randomness is probably an improvement."

- Dogbert the Astronomer-Consultant & The Pointy Haired Boss. "My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people."
"Then what does it do?"
"Why would it need to do anything else?" - Dogbert, in his "Out! Out! You Demons of Stupidity" phase I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they dont understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube. - Dogbert's phase continues "You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered."

        - Dogbert

"My company lost a frooflepoopillion dollars. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I work."
"Never be afraid to tell the truth about yourself."
"Because honesty is the best policy?"
"Because no one pays any attention to what you say."

        - Dilbert and Dogbert

Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. You plot was lame and I hated your . By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

- Dogbert the Publisher "How's the book publishing business coming along?"
"Great! I get to reject a dozen authors a day. I call them untalented dolts and they *thank* me for it."
"Eventually, you have to publish something."
"Yeah, well, thats the conventional wisdom" - Dogbert & Dilbert "I'm writing a book that debunks the effectiveness of business consultants."
"But common sense would say that you're being a consultant yourself. So your opinion is logically flawed. Only people with no common sense will buy your book"
"I prefer to call them the mass market..." - Dogbert & Dilbert "My guest today on 'Money Chatter' is the head of the 'Dogbert Mutual Fund'. Its reported that your fund is the highest of the decade. Tell us how you made that happen."
"Okay. Apparently, this guy will read anything you hand him" - Dogbert is interviewed... "I've hired the Dobgert 'Touchy-Feely' Institute to teach us about teamwork"
"We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank checks and give them to me."
"What will this teach us about trust?"
"It will teach you that trust is an excellent quality for others to have." - Pointy Haired Boss, Dogbert & Dilbert "Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge."
        - Dogbert, the trash-can-selling consultant

"There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance."
        - Dogbert

"Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline."
        - Dogbert

"Do you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money?"
"I only scam people who would do the same thing to me if they were smarter."
        - Dilbert and Dogbert

"The Dogbert method of eliminating guilt is simple. All of your problems are caused by invisible people named Juan and Cindy. All you have to do is find them and kill them."
        - Dogbert

"Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own."
        - Dogbert, branching out

"Today I'll teach you to recognize when you're boring. This is called a yawn. When you see one, stop talking about yourself."
        - Dogbert, Social Obliviousness 101

"If you hire me as a lobbyist I will convince Switzerland to attack Elbonia."
        - Dogbert, plotting to thwart Elbonia's WMD ambitions

"Vote for me or the terrorists will use your skulls for salad bowls. I promise to take money from the people who don't vote for me and give it to the people who do!"
        - Dogbert for President

"Ratbert, I want you to be my vice presidential running mate. You job is to be so unpopular that no one will want to assassinate me."
"I can do that!"
        - Dogbert for President

"I worry that all of my wisdom is derived from bad analogies."
"Ratbert, sometimes a good wine has to age before it is perfect."
"So... I'll get smarter over time?"
"To the extent that you are like a grape."
        - Ratbert and Dogbert

"I earn 420 times what you make. That means I'm 420 times smarter."
"Actually, it means the system is deeply flawed."
"If you were 420 times smarter, you wouldn't be contradicting your boss right now."
        - Dogbert the CEO

"Our investors are not happy that you bought a helicopter. Or that you only use it to keep birds off the building. Or that the parking lot is filled up with beaks and feathers."
"I can't please everyone."
        - The Boss and CEO Dogbert

"My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountablity. As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me."

"I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!"

"If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you are a consultant."


"My motto is 'they can't break you if you don't have a spine'."
        - Wally

"Then they rip out your ego and they put you in a box until you rot. You'll never know if you're dead or simply envying the dead!"
        - Wally, at "Careers Day"

"When I was your age Asok, I too sought the thrill of victory and the pleasures of the flesh. But after twenty years of not getting either one, I made convenience my new mistress."
        - Wally, passing on his wisdom to the conveniently located Asok

"My relatives want me to have an arranged marriage."
"If they found someone who is totally hot and has low standards, ask if she has a sister."
"What about love?"
"How can you not love that?"
        - Asok and Wally

"Winners don't return dishes to the cafeteria."
"Then how do the dishes get back?"
"You must use your power of low standards. Just place the dishes on the floor and wait for a loser with high standards."
        - Wally and Asok

"Gaaa! Dishes on the floor. Once again I have to clean up after slobs."
        - Alice, coming across Asok's dishes

"Where did you get that definition of Zen?"
"I used to read, but it's faster to make up stuff."
        - Dilbert and Wally

"What's wrong with your face?"
"It's a goatee. I hate goatees, so I am using my powers of extreme uncoolness to make them go away."
"That could work."
        - Wally, sprining a nasty surprise on a goateed marketing head

"According to my soul-o-meter, you still have 1% of your soul. I'll give you a doughnut for it."
        - Dogbert and Wally strike a bargain

"My new chair can be adjusted to a jillion different positions. That practically guarantees I'm using it in a suboptimal way. I think it might be disabling me. Does that look normal to you?"
        - Wally, giving the bum's rush to the Boss

"I've decided to become indispensible to the company. Indispensible employees can get away with outrageously annoying behaviour."
        - Wally

"Your engineers think my project plan won't work."
"I'll assign Wally to your project. He's a perfect fit."
"Because he's a problem solver?"
"Because he won't work either."
        - Another manager and the Boss

"This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work... to maximize synergy, capture and optimize our resource utilization. If any of that sounded like work, I'll do some more of it next week."
        - Wally to The Boss

"I find it rather demotivating that you never praise me for a job well done."
"You've never done a job well."
"That's because I'm demotivated."
"You have to go first."
"Wouldn't that make me the leader?"
        - Wally and the Boss

"Wally, what are your goals for the coming year?"
"My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal."
"I mean something about work."
"Oh, I thought you said *my* goals."
        - The Boss and Wally

"Do you have a list of invitees for the debriefing meeting? I like to blame people who won't be in the room?"
        - Wally

"Your contributions to United Charity are below average for your pay level."
"Actually, I fund an agency that keeps people like you away from society"
        - Wally & Dilbert

"I didnt use my brain this week. I listened to things I already knew. I waited for people who were late. I was a passenger in my car pool."
        - Wally

"Do you have a price sheet for removing unnecessary body parts? I wouldn't mind a few days away from work, being waited on, watching TV and napping."
        - Wally goes to the surgery

"How's your diet coming along? It's hard to pick the one best doughnut I've ever had, but this one is in my top five."
        - Wally, taunting the Boss

"We're looking for a special kind of employee, Wally. Specifically, we like people with low self-esteem. That way we can bully them into working unpaid overtime. Do you think you're inscure enough to work here?"
"Let me put it this way. Sometimes I pretend to choke in the cafeteria. Then when someone performs the Heimlich Maneuver I spin around suddenly...just to get a hug."

- Wally at a job interview ( ... he was over-qualified ) "Its now time for the Wally report, a weekly status update. My income is 80% of industry average, Enthusiasm is at 63% of capacity and my Ego Shield is holding at 15%."
"Your enthusiasm is up from last week."
"Yeah, someone left the supply cupboard unlocked."
        - The Wally Report

"The highlight of my workday is this ham sandwich. From now until quitting time, nothing else will be as rewarding."
"What do you do after work?"
"I think about the sandwich."
        - Wally and the gang at lunch

"Its times like this I wish I were a psyhcopath."
        - Wally's reponse to more stupidity from the Marketing department

"Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil."
        - Wally

"I'm in a battle of wills with a guy who lets all his calls rollover to voicemail. I do that too, so all day long we trade messages saying 'Call Me', and then we ignore incoming calls."
      - Wally

"You know what I admire about you Alice? You obviously value performance over appearance."
"Thank you. Wait... if that was a compliment, why is my fist of death tingling."
        - Wally and Alice

"I'm about halfway finished with the online study class on sexual harassment."
"Wally, we don't have an online study course on sexual harassment."
"That would explain why all the actors seemed so happy."
        - Wally and the Pointy-Haired Boss

"I need a nickname to create the illusion of competence. I was thinking along the lines of 'The Wizard' or 'Info Guru'."
"I've never wanted to punch you more than at this very moment."
        - Wally and Dilbert

"From now on, my nickname will be 'The Wizard'. It speaks to my guru status."
"I think I'll call you 'The Lizard'. It speaks to your small brain and lack of ambition."
"Please don't."
"Let's see which one catches on quicker."
        - Wally and Alice


"I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target. In Week 3, we are visited by an alien named D'Utox Inag, who offers to share his advanced technology."
"Then, do we use this advanced technology to design our new product?"
"No, we kill him and sell the autopsy video."
        - Dilbert briefs the Pointy-Haired Boss on his next plan

"At first I thought you commited me to an impossible deadline. But I have a theoretical solution. It involves flying around the earth so fast that I travel back to the past."
"And then you'll have enough time?"
"No, then I'll give your parents this pamphlet on contraception."
        - Dilbert & The Pointy-Haired Boss again

"This product will leapfrog the iPod and provide pleasure to all five of your senses. The user can download pictures, smells, tastes and celebrity tickling patterns. The test group preferred it over eating. They're all dead."
"It has the coolness factor."
        - Dilbert and The Boss

"The technology to clone you exists, but it's illegal to clone humans."
"If the cops find out, we can frame my clone for the crime."
"That is so wrong."
"Why? He'd do the same thing to me."
        - Dilbert & The Pointy-Haired Boss

"This design will never work in the real world."
"That design is already widely used in the real world. I can come back later if you need time to concoct additional uninformed criticisms."
        - The Boss and Dilbert

"We can't compete on price. We also can't compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing."
        - The Boss

"Try being unethical with our vendors. If it makes you feel any better wait until they lie first."
        - The Boss advises Dilbert

"I'm promoting you from senior engineer to lead engineer. The pay is the same but people will disrespect you less."
"Including you?"
"It's not magic."
        - The Boss promotes Dilbert

"We have a squatter problem. We must make our empty cubicles appear occupied or else we'll lose them to other departments."
"When we're done hosing our own company, can we start hosing the competition?"
"Our customers are next."
        - The Boss and Dilbert

"In order to boost productivity, the company has decided that employees can not use e-mail on fridays."
        - The Boss

"And what is your reason for leaving?"
"To be honest, I was spending way too much time thinking about creative ways to kill you."
"Have you cleared out your desk?"
"Why don't you go check." (said with big smile on face)
        - The Boss conducts an exit interview

"The job market is getting worse every day. Employees will be afraid. Our power to abuse them grows stronger by the minute."
        - The Pointy-Haired Boss to Catbert

"Your salary is already above the midpoint for your pay range. Excuse me while I remove a sock to explain what will happen to your pay going forward. Let's say the sock is inflation and my hand is your paycheck."
        - The Boss, to Dilbert

"I saw the code for your computer program yesterday. It looked easy. Its just a bunch of typing. And half of the words were spelt wrong. And dont get me started on your over-use of colons."
        - The Pointy Haired Boss sees some actual code

"Then we program the web site using a fast guy in tights and a movie about coffee. Correct me if I'm wrong."
"We use Flash and Javascript."
"I said *IF*!"
        - The Boss and Dilbert

"We have to improve our image in the internet community."
"Lets do a mass unsolicited email campaign to tell everyone how nice we are."
<later> "You have the look of a man who was just put in charge of implementing his own sarcastic suggestion."
        - The Pointy Haired Boss, Dilbert & Dogbert

"Wally, I'm rating you 'good' but not because you are. Company policy says I have to fire anyone rated lower than good, and the hiring freeze means it would shrink my empire. So you can get paid for doing nothing as long as you don't kill anyone."
"I can't promise that."
        - The Boss and Wally

"When you grow up you'll be put in a container called a cubicle. The bleak oppressiveness will warp your spine and destroy your capacity to feel joy. Luckily you'll have a boss like me to motivate you with something called fear."
"May I see a brochure?"
        - The Pointy Haired Boss does a career day

"The new guy used to be a free-ranger. Let's go watch him get broken. They say he was a photographer. Never been cubicled."
"He'll be tough."
        - Dilbert and Wally

"I'll lasso him with the neck-tie!"
        - The Boss

"Alice, our budget is tight so I've been asked to reward you with non-monetary compensation. Do you know Ken in Marketing? You can punch him as hard as you want."
"Does Ken know about this?"
"People love surprises."
        - The Boss and Alice

"Is it true that you allowed a vampire to run the blood drive?"
"Yes, and it takes a big man to admit he's wrong."
"You admit you were wrong?"
"I decided to lose weight instead."
        - Catbert and The Boss

"Carol, I give you far too much work. There's only one solution. I hired a coffee swilling beaver to show you how to work faster."
        - The Boss to Carol

"Why did you add this button to the user interface?"
"You told me to. You always suggest random changes to create the illusion of added value."
"Well, remove that button."
"It's only on your copy."
        - The Boss and Dilbert

"Asok, I need you to create a Powerpoint presentation that will save our department from being eliminated. You must quantify the unquantifiable and that can only done by a process that I call lying."
"Lying is a process?"
"It can be, if you use enough slides."
        - The Boss and Asok

"Dangerous Asbestos has been found in every room in our building. The problem will be addressed using a ... scientific process. Something called attrition."

"Alice, I've noticed a disturbing pattern. Your solutions to problems are always the things you try *last*."

"This might be that sarcasm thing I keep hearing about..."

"Our facilities management says the new statue by the front entrance isn't a statue. It's an unlucky guy named Karl who had been warned many times not to feed the birds. Then it talks about statistical clustering... blah, blah, blah... and serving as an example."

"I thought I hired a genius. But he turned out to be an ordinary guy faking a British accent."
        - The Poiny Haired Boss


"Alice, this year you did the work of four people and made over $10 million for the company. But according to our web monitoring software, you used company resources to look at a weather website. Thief."
        - The Pointy-Haired Boss

"I hear you're a job hopper? Are you aware that all jobs require you to do things you'd rather not do? That's why they have to pay you."
        - Dilbert, scaring off a workshy colleague

"We've decided to be more family friendly in our policies. Do compensate for the lost productivity, we'll be openly hostile to single people."
"That doesn't seem fair."
"Shut up and get back to work, eunuch!"
        - Catbert, outlining a new HR policy to Dilbert

"Welcome to Dogbert's seminar on work-life balance. First, review this list of priorities:
Family. Job. Exercise. Must-dos. Medical. Eating. Hygiene. Sleep. Romance. Holidays.
You have time for three things, work and holidays are two. You get to pick the third."
        - Dogbert

"You work in a cubicle while your routers and servers have a private office with their own climate control. The machines have take over. Your job is to provide them with electricity."
        - Dogbert welcomes a new starter

"I am a scientist from the planet Zorp. I bring you technologies beyond your imagination. All I ask is that you let me work with your engineers to transfer this knowledge."
"They think 'work' means sitting in a fabric-covered container."
        - An alien vistor gets used to cubicle life

"Class, today Dilbert will tell is what a career in engineering is all about."
"My job involves explaining things to idiots. Then the idiots makes decisions based on misinterpreting what I said. Then it is my job to fix the massive problems caused by the bad decisions. Eventually, rumours overwhelm facts and I give up. In the final phase, I assign blame to an unpopular co-worker. So whatever you do in life, don't be unpopular."
"Don't listen to him!"
"...Said the unpopular teacher."
        - A teacher regrets inviting Dilbert to give a career talk

"Can you come to a meeting right now."
"No, it's almost lunch time. If I miss lunch my day will be 12 hours of uninterrupted misery."
        - The Boss and Dilbert

"Today you will wear clothes you don't want to wear. You'll drive somewhere you don't want to be, and do things you don't want to do. Have a nice day."
        - Ratbert, as Dilbert starts his working day

"What we need is a meteor to pulverize you three pointy-haired, micro managing nitwits!"
"If you didn't move your mouth, how did it get out?"
"It came out of my earhole."
        - Dilbert & Wally

"Why did the IS Department deny my request for a PC upgrade?"
"Because we are evil incarnate! Buwahahaha! "
"I was looking for something more specific..."
        - Dilbert & the IS guy

"I found a family of squirrels living inside our legacy system. They control our payroll database. They're making demands."
"Leave the acorns and no one will get their deductions increased!"
        - Dilbert updates the Boss

"Tina seems mad at you. What's that about?"
"She thought I did something rude, but when she found out I didn't, she still had residual anger."
"I wonder what it's like to have squirrels living in your skull."
        - Wally and Dilbert

"Our sales guy vastly underbid a job. Now it's my project to install the system in a way that's profitable."
"Blame your customer for underspecifying the features then charge her through the nose for change orders."
"Three million dollars for an electrical plug?"
"The bases model uses a potato battery."
        - Dogbert helps Dilbert out of a fix

"Is it difficult to transition from leading troops in combat to the corporate life?"
"The main difference is that it's harder to get good intel."
        - Dilbert and a Combat Vet

"There will be no vacations until the project is finished."
"It feels as if I am being punished for your inability to to properly plan and staff."
        - The Pointy Haired Boss and Asok

"The project was moving along well until management changed our coding language and methodology. Now our timeline is represented by this MC Escher print of an endless stairway. This deep sea submarine is looking for our morale."
        - Dilbert, giving a project update

"I'm thinking about growing a unibrow."
"Maybe we should rethink our ban on work-related conversation during lunch."
        - Asok the Intern and Dilbert

"I just had a good meeting."
"Maybe it just didn't last long enough to reveal the incompetence of the attendees."
"That's what I call a good meeting."
        - Dilbert and Dogbert

"Tina, we've gotten some complaints about your hostile behaviour. At a recent meeting you crossed your arms. That is unacceptable body language."
        - Catbert

"In a perfect world the project would take 8 months. But based on past projects in this company, I applied a 1.5 incompetence multiplier. And then I applied an LWF of 6.3"
"Lying weasal factor."
        - Dilbert, The Boss and Alice

"Your sales rep told us that the product heals itself. Is that true?"
"It's totally true... that he said that."
        - Dilbert with a client

"Will it make the world a worse place to live?"
"I think so."
"I'm in."
        - Accounting Troll & Dilbert

"Your travel expenses are rejected because all of your meal costs are round numbers. Either you are a liar, or worse."
"I decide what to order based on what total to a round number after a 15% tip."
"That's worse."
        - Dilbert falls foul of an accounting troll

"Are we bad people?"
"We're good people who have been influenced by a corrupt coporate culture."
"Oh, ok. Carry on."
        - Asok and Dilbert

"I did a statistical analysis and found no correlation between my efforts and my rewards."
        - Asok

"I can't tell you how much your budget is, because if I did, you'd try to spend all of it."
"Can you tell me when I'm over budget."
"No, because then you'd know what the budget is."
        - The CEO and the Pointy-Haired Boss

"I made a few suggestions."
"I'll be happy to make these unnecessary changes to this irrelevant document."
"Stop acting happy."
        - The Pointy-Haired Boss and Dilbert

"You're fired!"
"Not really. But now this 2% raise won't seem so bad... This job is all about managing expectations."
        - The Boss springs a random act of management on an unsuspecting employee

"Get the user data from Ed."
"That's impossible. Ed is unreachable. He doesn't answer his phone or return messages. He's never in his cubicle and he doesn't read e-mail."
"Does he use the restroom?"
"No, we think he modified his briefcase."
        - The Boss and Dilbert


"How many of your policies are designed for the sole purpose of satisfying your sadistice tendencies?"
"All of them. Some of them are just more obvious."
        - Alice & Catbert

"Not so fast. I like to savour the moment before I crush your misplaced optimism."
        - Catbert to Dilbert

"You're in H.R. now, it's ok to be evil."
        - Catbert educates Asok the Intern in the ways of Evil

"Lets offer employees unpaid vacation time, as long as their managers approve it. Then we'll downsize any work group that uses it, because it proves they're overstaffed. Excuse me while I hug myself and purr."
        - Catbert, identifying non-essential staff

"Requirements: Candidate must have an IQ of 300, two centuries of UNIX experience and a track record of winning nobel prizes... 90% of my job is convincing people they don't deserve *theirs*."
        - Catbert posts a job opening

"You're not allowed to have internal phone lists on your wall. There are excellent reasons for this policy, and I hope someday to know what they are."
        - The Boss, to Dilbert

"They're getting suspicious about the random policy generator."
        - The Boss, to Catbert

"My Elbonian division won't do any work unless someone is watching them every minute."
"Tell them you have hidden cameras. Then randomly fire one Elbonian per week.
"Hee-hee! Evil makes my buttocks tingle."
        - The Boss, getting some cunning advice from Catbert

"I'm working 80 hours a week. I barely have time to bathe."
"Try using your tongue during meetings. It's like a bath and a loofah all in one."
"Or I could do less work?"
"That's crazy talk."
        - Alice and Catbert

"I'd like to discuss my career plan."
"The plan is that we'll keep you around until we find a starving Elbonian to do your job for less. In other words, blah, blah, maybe someday you will get a promotion."
        - Alice and Catbert

"I don't understand why technical writers get paid less than engineers."
"If you were capable of understanding that sort of thing, you'd be an engineer."
"This took an ugly turn."
"And your dress looks like a tube sock with aspirations."
        - Tina the tech writer and Catbert

"As part of my ongoing campaign against employee happiness, employees are not allowed to date each other."
        - Catbert

"I asked Wally to stop eating noisy snacks in his cubicle but he refuses."
"That's because he likes salt more than he likes you. We all feel the same way. You're somewhere between kelp and oatmeal."
        - A female employee, running afoul of Wally and Catbert


"Here we have a lab rat, specially designed to be susceptible to peer pressure. How about a Brewski?"
"I dont drink."
"All the cool rats drink beer."
"Of course there's more to Science than just hurting animals, but frankly its the part I like best."
        - Scientist & Ratbert

"A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. And an engineer says its a good thing I put half of my water in a redundant glass."
        - Ratbert observes...

"Its not a major sin, so you only go to heck."
        - Phil, the Prince Of Insufficient Light

"Most problems go away if you just wait long enough, Asok. It might look like I'm standing motionless but I'm actively waiting for our problems to go away. I dont know why this works but it does."

- Bob the Dinosaur cum Cobol Programmer "Hi Bob. I haven't seen you lately."
"I was doing some evolving. I noticed I have a zit that's sensitive to sunlight. I'm hoping it becomes an eye."

        - Dilbert and Bob The Dinosaur

"Pardon me sir, but I couldnt help noticing these equations in your garbage. I took the liberty of correcting a few quantum calculations."
"Gosh. Why are you a garbage man?"
"I think the question is why are *you* an engineer?"

- The Garbage Guy & Dilbert "Are you telling me *you* invented the first web browser?"
"Not alone, I worked with our garbage man."
"I wonder how long people would sit in front of a computer waiting for nothing?"
"Lets find out!"
"What if this thing gets out of hand?"
"We'll blame it on some drunken college kid." - Dilbert, Dogbert & The Garbage Guy "I asked dilbert to lead the team in making a computer entirely from recycled paper."
"Ha ha ha!! You are totally doomed to fail!! ...Wally is teaching me to find joy in the misery of others."
"You're on my project team."
       - The Boss, Asok and Dilbert

"I just fired off a scathing letter to a columnist for mis-using the word 'dongle'. I'm intoxicated with the feeling of verbal superiority. My sad life has meaning. I feel alive!"
        - Carol the Secretary

"Welcome to the monthly meeting of insane chicks. The breakout session is titled 'How to turn your imaginary problems into real ones'."
        - What Carol does in her spare time

"I never reviewed the design."
"Yes you did. Here's a copy of your email."
"This is hardly conclusive. Did you get any DNA evidence?"
"What was all that screaming?"
"I had to collect some DNA."
        - Dilbert questions Alice after a difficult meeting

"Is there anyway I can cheer you up?"
"Maybe if something awful happened to you."
        - Alice, to a vague BA

"I'm in love with a medical school cadaver."
"Do you ever think maybe your personal problems are caused by your bad choices?"
"How's it my fault that my boyfriend is acting cold?"
        - Nancy and Alice


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