An Extract From
PAUL’S TALENT by KEN ARMSTRONG
Cast of Julie's Call and Paul's Talent, stage in the Linenhall in 2004
Orla, Katie, Keeto, Thomas, Sean, and Sally (oh and me on the right)
(Please Note : this extract contains
a measure of coarse language)
Paul is entertaining Stew in his Kitchen while his parents are away. It's time for tennis practice but Paul has something he wants to ask his friend.....
Stew : Fine, can we go now?
Paul : Just, the favour.
Stew : Oh yeah, ‘The Favour’. What is it then?
Paul : You, Roger, Dipso, Sid, Jamie.
Stew : Yeah?
Paul : You all hang around together.
Stew : And?
Paul : I sort of wondered if maybe I could hang around with you.
Stew : (laughs) Sorry!
Paul : Why not?
Stew : Just ‘cos your mother and my mother think I should walk you to tennis practice doesn’t mean we have to be lifelong pals.
Paul : We get on all right.
Stew : You call this ‘getting along’? Tell me a joke.
Paul : I_
Stew : Go on, tell me a joke. Make me laugh.
Paul : I can’t think of any just now.
Stew : That’s just it. We don’t ‘get on’. Me and the guys laugh all the time.
Paul : But I could_
Stew : No, you couldn’t, that’s enough, we’re going.
STEW goes for his kit bag.
Stew : Why would you want anything to do with us anyway?
Paul : Since we moved here, I_ I don’t know. You seem to have a lot of fun... and the dance next Saturday_
Stew : Aha!
Paul : What?
Stew : The dance next Saturday.
Paul : What about it?
Stew : Exactly. What about it?
Paul : Nothing.
Stew : (Mocking) “Mummy said I can go but only if I go with a group of nice boys.” Is that it?
Paul : Yes.
Stew : And you don’t have any friends. Is that it?
Paul : That’s about it, yeah.
Stew : Well we are not ‘nice boys’ and we’re not for hire.
Paul : Doesn’t matter.
Stew : There’ll be stuff there. You know_
Paul : I know.
Stew : Your ma won’t want you hanging around stuff like that.
Paul : She wouldn’t know.
Stew : What do you want at the dance anyway. There’ll be only girls there. I see. I wonder who’s keeping little Paul Junior up at night? Jennifer Clay?
Paul : No!
Stew : Sandra Maurice?
Paul : Don’t be sick!
Stew : Lorraine Duffy? Not Lorraine Duffy.
Paul : What’s wrong with her?
Stew : Ha! Lorraine Duffy.
Paul : You won’t tell, will ya?
Stew : Might.
Paul : Oh Christ.
Stew : She’s all right, Lorraine.
Paul : Is she?
Stew : Yeah. Sloppy kisser.
Paul : Really?
Stew : Very wet. Very very wet. Mmmm.
Paul : You’ve gone out with her then?
Stew : You mean ‘had her’? Sure, everybody’s had her.
Paul : Oh.
Stew : Course when I say ‘had her’ I don’t mean nothing bad like. It’s just an expression.
Paul : Oh.
Stew : Except in my case of course.
Paul : Oh.
Stew : Lorraine Duffy. (He smacks his lips) Natural blonde, you know.
Paul : Really? What does that mean?
Stew : You know. (He eyes Paul’s crotch meaningfully)
Paul : Oh my God. She’s only fourteen!
Stew : Fourteen’s old enough.
Paul : For what?
Stew : Depends what you have in mind stud.
Paul : I just like her... but if everybody’s had her...
Stew : Yeah?
Paul : Then I’m sure she won’t want to have me.
Stew : You know what Doctor Spock would say about that?
Paul : What?
Stew : Fucking illogical captain.
They laugh.
Stew : I mean, if she’s had everybody, she might as well have you and all.
Paul : I just like her. She comes in to my head a lot.
Stew : Unbidden.
Paul : You know she lives in Clarmont Drive?
Stew : 42.
Paul : Yeah well - this is stupid I know - but I sometimes walk home that way hoping I get to see her.
Stew : Bloody hell_ that’s miles!
Paul : Yeah.
Stew : And have you, seen her?
Paul : No, but her house looks nice.
© Ken Armstrong 1997
The Cast in the pub afterward (note soft drinks all round)