TO SLEEP by KEN ARMSTRONG
PAT and CHRIS are in the college
Staff room. PAT is sharing his wisdom on women with his colleague.
Pat: I’ve learned my lesson now and will only ever sin in theory in future. I’m trying to share that lesson with you - always sin in theory.
Chris: Well, thanks a bunch.
Pat: Your gratitude overwhelms me.
They sit sliently in a huff for a long moment.
Chris: So, if you don’t want me to ‘shag’ her.
Pat: And I don’t.
Chris: Right. Then what was all that stuff about?
Pat: All what stuff?
Chris: “She fancies you mate”, “She’s ‘fit’ fit”, “Wants into your jockeys...” What was all that about?
Pat: Ah ah ah. We were talking about ‘wanting’ to shag her, nothing more.
Chris: So - have I got this right? - you want me to ‘want to’?
Pat: Correct.
Chris: But you don't want me ‘to’?
Pat: On the nose.
Chris: Right. Well then I do.
Pat: Yeah?
Chris: Of course I do.
Pat: Well... good man yourself.
Chris: I think actually, if truth be known, I ‘want to’ more than anything else in the entire world.
Pat: Ah now steady on!
Chris: There’s a part of me that thinks you’re right - she does fancy me. But that’s a dream. A dumb fantasy enhanced by profound lack of sleep. But, if she did. Imagine if she did...
Pat: You wouldn’t.
Chris: I wouldn’t... (ponders this dreamily for a long moment then snaps out of it). You or Mary would never ever speak to me again. How could I risk that?
Pat: Good man.
Chris: She is nice though isn’t she?
Pat: Nice? Nice? If I had half a bloody chance I’d_
JULIET jumps onto the stage behind them
Juliet: ‘Scuse me.
Pat: Hullo!
Juliet: Sorry to disturb you in your little room.
Pat: Quite all right. Come in come in. I’m Pat. (He offers his hand)
Juliet: (shakes it) Juliet.
Pat: Nice name.
Juliet: Thanks. I interrupted you, bursting in like that.
Pat: No no... no.
Juliet: Yes I did. You were saying how if you had half a chance you’d...?
Pat: Was I?
Juliet: Yes, you were.
Pat: Golly... well I never...
Juliet: If you had half a chance you’d...?
Pat: Go back to India. Yes.
Juliet: Wicked! You’ve been to India?
Pat: Ah, no.
Juliet: You haven’t.
Pat: Not yet, no.
Juliet: But you want to go back.
Pat: Yes. I want to go back again... after I go.
Juliet: Right.
Pat: Mad about the place... I’ll be.
Juliet: Actually, I just wanted a word with Chris.
Pat: Right. Chris!
Chris: Yes?
Pat: Ah there you are. Juliet here would like a word.
Chris: Would she?
Pat: Yes.
Chris: Hi Juliet, what’s up?
Juliet: It’s a bit embarrassing.
Pat: Oh yes?
Juliet: I’ve missed my ride.
Pat: She’s missed her ride.
Chris: Your lift has left?
Juliet: Early. My friend Maureen. You know, with the hair. Caught me completely on the hop. She has some hot date, very keen. I was wondering... you live over South?
Chris: Guilty.
Juliet: I’m up that way - South-west - and it’s, like, really pissing it down outside so I was wondering if you would give me a lift?
Chris: (Clears throat) Anyway, Pat, see you later?
Pat: Will you?
Chris: Goodbye Pat.
Pat: Goodbye. (To Juliet) Nice to meet you.
Juliet: And you. Good luck in India, both times.
Pat: Yes, hahaha.
PAT exits, darting a warning glare at Chris from behind Juliet’s back as he goes.
Juliet: So, about that lift?
Chris: I’m not sure it’s such a good idea.
Juliet: No?
Chris: No. Student and teacher seen leaving under communal brolly. Heads tend to turn. Tongues tend to wag.
Juliet: Oh wise up Chris.
Chris: What?
Juliet: Well, I mean, it’s not exactly Grange Hill is it? It’s Third level Regional Tech and we’re both pretty grown up, or hadn’t you noticed?
Chris: I had actually.
Juliet: And if you think you are going to let me trudge home in the rain just because of some outdated sense of social convention then I want you to know that I think that really sucks.
Chris: Me too!
Juliet: Really?
Chris: Of course you can come home with me.
Juliet: Great.
Chris: And to hell with the begrudgers.
Juliet: Not good enough.
Chris: No?
Juliet: You have to say, “Feck them”.
Chris: Do I?
Juliet: Yes. And mean it. Feck the begrudgers.
Chris: Well then... feck them!
Juliet: That’s the style. I’ll get my coat. (She exits)
Chris: (To
himself) Feck them!