"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."
        - Homer Simpson

"In world events, the friendship between America and Britain is stronger than ever. You're like Mini Me to our Doctor Evil, helping out in all our zany schemes to take over the world."
        - Marge Simpson, from the 2004 "Alternative Christmas Message" on Britain's "Channel 4"

Hitler strongly disapproved of Jewish jokes, he wrote in Mein Kampf, on the grounds that people find it tough to hate that which makes them laugh. Nothing is a more effective antidote to the feelings so many of us have reluctantly developed towards the US than watching it satirise itself, in all its unique complexity, through the mouths of The Simpsons.
        - Matthew Norman, "The Irish Independent"

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE

"So we're trapped like rats?"
"No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily."
        - Moe and Russ Cargill

"Sir, I believe you've gone mad with power!"
"Of course I have! Have you ever gone mad without power? It's boring, nobody listens to you!"
        - EPA Agent and Russ Cargill

"You know, Smithers, I've never thought about suicide. But if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up."
        - Mr Burns to Smithers

There’s a disarming in-joke at the start of The Simpsons Movie when Homer ridicules the audience at Itchy and Scratchy’s cinematic debut for paying to see something they could get on TV for free. It’s a mystery why the writers who grappled with that issue didn’t go for broke the way Trey Parker and Matt Stone did in the peerless South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut—a true cartoon epic, and the best movie musical comedy of the last decade. The Simpsons Movie is longer, more plot-driven, and has more showy animation than an average episode. It’s intermittently very funny. But it doesn’t make the existential leap to the big screen, and it doesn’t have the density of gags or the lunatic free-association of the best episodes. Like The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, it’s less than the sum of its laughs. My ideal Simpsons movie would center on the less predictable characters, Bart and Lisa, but for some reason Homer gets the spotlight here. Why build a movie around him? The voracious Cartman on South Park is like a character out of Volpone; he has sleazeball stature. Hank Hill of King of the Hill is a befuddled Everyman who’s somehow both smaller and larger than life. SpongeBob’s childishness is transcendent. But Homer remains a boob, a thickie, a foil for his kids and chiding but devoted wife. His character “arc”—he has to learn to be less selfish and save Springfield from being nuked—doesn’t yield any fresh insight into the human condition. One gag does, though: When what looks like a huge spaceship hovers over Springfield, the people in a church run screaming into the bar next door while the people in the bar run screaming into the church. I thought about that five-second image for a long time—over shots of Wild Turkey 101.
        - David Edelstein, reviewing The Simpsons Movie, "NY Magazine"

HOMER SIMPSON

"And then I asked myself, 'What would God do in this situation?'"
"Locusts...heh heh heh."
"Its all in the book ( the actual bible ), its the pranksters' bible boy."

~ Homer & Bart plot revenge on George Bush Snr.

Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are!

- Homer learns that Bart has been selected for an exchange program

"I love these real saturdays... not like those fake saturdays that almost got me fired"
        - Homer, still not quite getting it

"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line.  And I'm not out of order!  You're out of order!  The whole freaking system is out of order!  You want the truth?  You want the truth!  You can't handle the truth!  'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!  Forget it, Marge - it's Chinatown."
        - Homer, merging 'Magnum Force', '12 Angry Men', 'Patton' and 'Chinatown'

"I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved that there's no God."
        - Homer, temporarily minus crayon in brain, breaks the bad news to Flanders

"Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?"
"Never, Marge!  Never.  I can't live the button-down life like you.  I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors, oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about 'What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?'"
        - Marge, trying to talk sense to Homer

"Mom, what do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?"
"Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I
will."... Six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn.""
        - Lisa gets some advice from Homer

"Two bucks, and it only transports matter?"
        - Homer, playing hardball at Professor Frinks's garage sale

"Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe."
        - Homer, about to be digested

"Hmmm teenagers... no! The teenagers of today have enough problems without me eating them."
"Must eat fat people."
        - Homer, taken over by 'The Blob'

Bart: I've got to fool him before the day is out. But How? He must have a weakness.
Homer: Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will.

Marge: I want you to look at this drawing Bart did.
Homer: [obviously humoring her] Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
Marge: Homer, stop. Would you please look at the drawing?
Homer: ...AAH! Burn it! Send it to Hell.

Marge: You could take an adult education course.
Homer: And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Marge : You said you'd do it as a favour to me.
Homer : That doesn't sound like something I'd say.

Homer: "Hey! Are you, like, one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [taunts him]
Marine: [punches Homer] No SIR! US Marine Corps, sir!"

Bart: Dad! you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right [makes various nonphoenetic sounds, which don't quite qualify as screams]"

Homer: Who is it?
Goons: Goons
Homer: Who?
Goons: Hired goons.
Homer: Hired goons?[opens door]

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.

Marge: You lost 5% of your brain!
Homer: Me lose brain? Uh, oh![laughs] Why I laugh?

"Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't perscribed for you."
"Lisa, just because you're ten feet fall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do."
"I'm Bart."

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.
Bart: No belching.
Lisa: The dad has a shirt on!
Marge: Look! Napkins!
Bart: These people are obviously freaks.

Lisa: "I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad! So, will you be lecturing from a standardized text, or using a more Socratic method of interactive class participation?"
Homer: "Yes, Li-sa! Daddy's a tea-cher!"

Lisa: "Ich bien ein gymnast!"
Homer: "Ah, she's been dreaming about Hitler again."

Homer : "The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21."
Marge : "Won't that warp him?"
Homer : "My cousin Frank did it."
Marge : "You don't have a cousin Frank."
Homer : "He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shibubu now."

Marge: I don't know... Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention. But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.

Homer: "I want to set the record straight — I thought the cop was a prostitute."

Lisa: "Dad, I don't like this movie. Can we go home?"
Homer: "Oh honey don't be scared. Look, they killed the evil doll... Oh whaddya know, it's unkillable!"

"Moe. Moe. Moe. Moe. Moe."
"All work and no moe makes moe a moe moe."

- Homer & Marge (thru Homer's ears), "Flaming Moe's"

- Homer plots an escape

Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry!
Darryl: Yes.
Homer: You play right field.
Darryl: Yes.
Homer: I play right field, too.
Darryl: so?
Homer: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl: Well, I've never met you, but, yes.

Marge : Have you noticed something different about Bart?
Homer : New glasses?
Marge : No. He looks like something may be troubling him.
Homer : Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge : I'd think that we should get more involved in his activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer : Yeah, and then they'd give us the chair.
Marge : That's not what I meant.
Homer : It was Marge, admit it.

Homer : <SCREAM> It's the rapture! Quick - get Bart out of the house before God comes.

Announcer: We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat".
Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers.
Knightboat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
Michael: Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now.
Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal.
Homer: Go, Knightboat, go!
Bart: Oh, every week there's a canal.
Lisa: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?
Marge: Ohh, uh we're all out, Homer. How about some fruit juice?
Homer: Don't toy with me woman.

Marge : "Why do you have so many bowling balls?"
Homer : "Ah, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long."

Reporter: "Uh, question for the barbeque chef. Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?"
Homer: "I'll handle this...the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to *speed* around a city, keeping its *speed* over 50, and if its *speed* changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.' "

Doctor : Mr.Simpson, I'm convinced you pose no threat to yourself or others.
Homer : That's the most flattering thing anybody's ever said to me. Can I have it in writing?

"But...the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels!"
        - Homer, impressed by "Man gets hit in groin by football"

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."
        - Homer, answering a phone call

"You take forever to say nothing!"
        - Homer to the bumbling Charlie Heathbar (Ricky Gervais)

"I'm not a number, I'm a man, and you can't — oh, wait, I'm Number 5. In your face Number 6!"
        -  Homer learns of his true place on The Island

~

"D'oh!"

"To alcohol: the cause of…and the answer to…all of life's problems "

"Now for the happy period between the lie and being found out."

"Just because I don't CARE doesn't mean I don't UNDERSTAND."

"Marge, me and the boy are just popping out. If we dont come back avenge our deaths."

"Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada... Sweden... Great Britain... well, all of Europe... but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! "

"Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me!"

"Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat."

"I'm not popular enough to be different."

"Mental note: the girl knows too much."

"Stupid poetic justice!"

"I wish God was here to see this."

"I am evil homer..."

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

"What's wrong with that kid? She's so moral. Why can't she be more like, well not like the boy, but there's got to be a happy medium."

"I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are."

"Stupid world. Revenge soon. Take out on everyone."

"Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow! "

"It’s the 1990's, the streets are safe for the old and infirm, and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer skills."

"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene."

"You don't understand, Marge. I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line and I'm not out of order, you're out of order! The whole freakin' system's out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

"How can you say anything bad about TV, Marge? It gives so much and asks so little."

"Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."

"Can't talk ... eating."

"I hope I didn't brain my damage."

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."

"If something goes wrong...blame the guy who can't speak English."

"Pff, English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such."

"Marge, why do you always take the side of local merchants?"

"We're going out, Marge!  If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!"

"Gone bowling.  Not back, avenge death."

~

HOMER's BRAIN

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer:"Oh! $20, but I wanted a peanut."
Homer's brain:"$20 can buy many peanuts!"
Homer:"Explain how."
Homer's brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
Homer:"Whippee!"

Mr. Burns:"Who are you?"
Homer's brain:"Quick make something up."
Homer:"My name is Mr. Burns"

Mr. Burns: "Hmm...a pack of wild dogs should be ripping you to pieces by now!
Homer: "...I don't know what to tell you."
Mr. Burns: "Well, come on in...I'll find something to scald you with."

Insurance Guy: "Now this place Moe's you were coming home from, is this some business of some sort?"
Homer's Brain: "Think quick, you can't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at that time?"
Homer: "Pornography, it's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
Homer's Brain: "Heh-heh-heh...quick thinking"

Homer : "Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. "
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer : Lisa, the mob's working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas...World domination.
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Oh, that might be a typo.
Homer's brain: Mental note: The girl knows too much.

Homer: "Who called all these wierd places?" [ looking at phone bill ]
Homer's brain: Quiet, it might be you. I can't remember.
Homer: No. I'm gonna ask Marge.
Homer's brain: No, No! Why embarass us both? Just write a check, and I'll release some more endorphins

(Bart runs out of Moes, leaving behind his food)
Homer : Bart! You didn't finish your spagetti and moe-balls!
Homer's Brain : Silence fool! It could be ours!
Homer : Run boy! Run for you life........boy!

Secetary: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you want a little brother?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge.
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it, I'm outta here. (step step step...slam)

Homer:  I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, "Yes!"
Homer's Brain : Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Homer: Shut, up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

~

BART SIMPSON

"Trick or Treat isn't just some phrase that you chant mindlessly like the Lord's Prayer. It's an oral contract!"
        - Bart, planning some Halloween revenge

"How can someone with glasses *that* think be so stupid?"
        - Bart, to Millhouse

"Must...resist...Satan...make it up to him later."
        - Bart, facing temptation

Bart : "I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racer"
Marge : "Bart, quit pestering satan"

Jimbo: "Nice pyjamas, Simpson. Did your mommy buy them for you?"
Bart: "Of course she did, who else would?"

Bart: "Can't sleep, clown will eat me."

"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding."

"Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa?"

Bart: So any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: Bart!
Bart: Well, his parents aren't married, are they? It's a correct word, isn't it?
Homer: He's got us there.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again!
Bart: well, that's what she is-- I looked it up.
Marge: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Sounds like a mistake, to me.

"Cool, I broke his brain!"

Hey, what's with the skirt?"
"I've brought friends to this treehouse before."
"Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?"
        - Bart to Milhouse

Bart: Is it okay if the balloons say "Happy Birthday" on them?
Herman: Err, I'd rather they say "Death From Above", but I guess that'll do.

~

Mr. BURNS & SMITHERS

"Smithers, I have a question. Is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?"
"Yes sir."
"Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?"
"No sir. Who do want killed?"

- Mr Burns & Smithers, "Homer at the Bat"

Smithers... release the lawyers.

Mr. Burns : It's ironic, that this anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail! That's democracy for you.

Mr. Burns : I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No - revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until...Oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt?
Smithers: Wha...? I...
Mr. Burns: You know, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Eh, eh, eh, exactly sir.

Mr. Burns : Damn It Smithers this is Brain Surgery not Rocket Science! Now hand me that Ice Cream Scoop!

Smithers : "Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Mr. Burns."
[Everyone gasps]
Mr. Burns : "Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
[Smithers whispers to him]
Hmm? What? Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award". I can't believe we've overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a round of applause for...this inanimate carbon rod!"

Burns : Get me Steven Spielberg!
Smithers : He's unavailable.
Burns : Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!
[later]
Burns : Listen, Senor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Spielbergo : Er, Schindler es bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Burns : Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod: we're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!

~

Mr. Burns: Who is this Homer Simpson?
Smithers: Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude. Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

Mr. Burns (to Homer) : You're not as stupid as you look ... or sound ... or our best testing indicates.

Mr Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He *is* coming onto me!
Mr Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. *wink*
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Homer: [answering the door] Who is it?
Voice: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Voice: Hired goons.
Homer: Hired goons? [opens the door]

Mr Burns : "Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpsons is not the brilliant tactician I thought he was."

Mr Burns: "I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time."
Homer : "A sober Irishman?"
Mr Burns: "Even rarer than that."

~

KENT BROCKMAN

Well this speaks for itself. Springfield has been taken over -- "conquered",if you will by a master race of giant space ants. It is difficult to tell from this vantage points whether they will consume the captive Springfieldians or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain,there is no stopping them; they will soon be here! And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted Springfield personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

- Kent Brockman…amid rumours of an alien invasion of giant insects

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

- Kent Brockman, after drunks start fights at the Springfield St. Patrick's day parade

- A drunken Homer, complete with beer barrel on head, on Patricks Day

- Homer is accused of sexual harassment

"Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch."

~

HANK SCORPIO

[Hank's map of the world reveals a giant viewscreen, on which appears the UN staff]
Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this. [activates a remote]
[an explosion occurs near the UN building]
Man 1: Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!
Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Man 1: We can't take that chance.
Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.
Hank: Collapsed on its own? You, sh... You have 72 hours. See ya.

Hank: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Hank: [chuckles] Nobody ever says Italy. [sets the coordinates of a giant laser gun]

Homer : We've got it great, here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

The next morning, it's with a sad face that Homer walks up to his boss, who's busily repelling army troops in order to launch his "Doomsday Device" in time.
Homer: Say, what's going on?
Hank: I'm having a little trouble with the government.
Homer: Oh, those jerks always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.

Homer: All right. What's the number?
Hank: I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot. [goes off to use a flamethrower on the troops]

Announcer #1: Cypress Creek: where dreams come true.
Announcer #2: [quickly] Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries and shareholders.

~

TROY McCLURE

Hibbert : Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium.
Louie : Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead.
Tony : No, what I said was: "He sleeps with the fishes". You see...
Louie : Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo...

Selma : Are you gay?
Troy : Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see...
Selma : Stop!

~

RANIER WOLFCASTLE

Ah! My eyes! The goggles do nothing"

"Up and At-om."
"Up and at them"
"Up and AT-om." <louder>
"Up and AT them." <louder>
"Up AND AT-om." <louder still>
"Up and AT THEM." <louder still>
"Better."

- Being coached on the set of Radioactive Man

Jay : Hmm. Do I really want to leave Manhattan?
Rainier : [walking up menacingly] Sherman, I just realized you insulted me! Now you will die. [pulls a machine gun]
Jay : Uh, hey nudnick, your shoe's untied.
Rainier : From here, they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look. Jay : Taxi! [jumps into one] To the airport.
[as night falls]
Rainier : On closer inspection, these are loafers.

- Rainier's lightning fast intellect

SOCIETY

John : "Homer, what have you got against gays?"
Homer : "You know! It's not... usual. If there was a law, it'd be against it!"
Marge : "Oh Homer, please! You're embarrassing yourself." Homer : "No I'm not, Marge! They're embarrasing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh..."
John : "Queer?"
Homer : "Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!! Well I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!"

- "Homer's Phobia"

Bart : "What the hell is this?"
Lisa : "It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation Xers."
Bart : "We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little."

Marge: I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Sh! TV.
Homer: Man fall down. Fun-ny.
Family:[grunt]

It's just hard not to listen to TV, its spent so much more time raising us than you have.

- Bart to Homer

Announcer: The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by young children.

Homer: "I'm about to do some serious thinking."
Bart: "I'm thinking he meant serious drinking."
Lisa: "That's what I'd assume."

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums, or read books, or anything. Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks,
Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once; just gave us 30 minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live! [Sobs]

Little Girl: Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthown and replaced by the benevolent general Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime. Sincerely, litte girl.

Bart: Hello, Southern hemisphere? Which way does the water go in your toilet?
Aide: Please to repeat again and I will translating for the el presidente.
Bart: [slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
Aide: [in Spanish] He says the tide is turning!
Presidente: Ay, caramba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! [dives out window]

- Bart tries to figue out which way water drains in the Southern Hemisphere

- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test

- Lisa debates capitalism with Albanian exchange student Adil

"You can't treat the working man this way! One day, we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then, we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive."

Homer: Union rule 26. "Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity, or rank odor." Heh heh heh heh.

~

ASIDES

I am the angel of death, the time of purification is at hand

- Springfield power plant worker, cleaning his shotgun and rocking in his chair... "Marge Gets a Job (9F05)"

"Cheese-eating surrender monkeys".
        - Never learn French in Spingfield

"No one who speaks German could be an evil man"

"Guten Morgen. I am Horst. The new German owners have elected me to speak with you because I am the most non-threatening. Perhaps I remind you of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes."
All: "Oh yeah, yeah he does."

Marge: "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something!"

Homer: "That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best: unilaterally!"

Homer: "Catholics rule! We’ve got Boston, South America and the good part of Ireland."

Moe: "Alright boys we're under attack. Let's drive them outta town like we did with the Irish."
Barney: "Hey! I'm Irish."

Bart: So, what are you in for ( remedial classes ) ?
Gordy: [slowly and strangely sounding] I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?
Dot: I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.
Warren: I start fires.

"You kissed a girl Jimbo! That is SO gay! "

"I'm not a robot, I'm a human."
"Human? Tell me, what is it like to have feelings?"
"I said I was human, not a girl."
        - Bart meets some androids

Military School Principal: "The battles of the future will not be fought on a battleground or at sea, they will be fought in space. Or at the top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forward today, your duty is clear, to build and maintain those robots. Thank you."

Beeworker#1: Sure is quiet in here today.
Beeworker#2: Yes, a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beeworker#1: Hmm, I'm afraid I don't.
Beeworker#2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. NO NOISE suggests no bees.
Beeworker#1: Oh, I understand now.

Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.
Team: We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give 110%.
Team: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give.

"Let's put this on the internet."
"No, we have to reach people whose opinions actually matter."
        - Bart Simpson, "The Simpsons"

"Sorry, Lise. I can't be a vegetarian. I love the taste of death."
        - Bart Simpson

"I vowed never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds! It did teach me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but when am I ever gonna use that?"
        - Homer

"Oh, yeah. Here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
"Are you being sarcastic, dude?"
"I don't even know anymore."

- Two Generation-Xers, "Homerpalooza (3F21)"

- Rex Banner, after winning the Prohibition war

- Karate Sensei

"Kids, what's it called when people are treated equally when they clearly aren't equal?"
"Communism!"

"Bullies Hospitalized: Nerds, dorks cautiously rejoice."

"That board with the nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won't stop there. they'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. soon they will make a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all!"
        - Kodos & Kang

"God has no place within these (school) walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion."
        - School Supervisor

"The mound builders worshipped turtles as well as badgers, snakes, and other animals."
"Thank God we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter who lived 2,000 years ago."
        - Lisa and Bart, comparitive religion 101

"God is my favourite fictional character"
        - Homer Simpson

"In my day we had people who stood up to ruffians. We called them men."
"I agree with the hideous crone!"
        - Mrs Skinner at a public meeting

"I wish we lived in the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans."
        - Flanders

"The chocolate is so dark that light cannot escape its surface."
        - Le French Chef

"Take a hike you Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!"
        - Canadian and US coastguards face off at Niagara Falls

"Mr. Speaker, the time has come for us to redesign our state flag. This confederate symbol is an embarrassment, plus we are a northern state."
        - The Capitol City Goofball debates important matters in the State Senate

Exam Giver: "What was the cause of the Civil War?"
Apu: "The split between abolitionists and secessionists had come to a head in in The Fugitive Slave Act of 1850 when..."
Exam Giver: "Just say slavery."
Apu: "Slavery it is, sir!"

Marge: Mmm! No! [pulls gun from Homer] No one’s using this gun! The TV said you’re 58 percent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder!
Homer: TV said that...? But I have to have a gun! It’s in the Constitution!
Lisa: Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today!
Homer: You couldn’t be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn’t have this gun, the king of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. [pushing Lisa] Do you want that? [pushing her harder] Huh? Do you?
Lisa: [quietly indignant] No...
Homer: All right, then.

MOE & BARNEY

Man! You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you're on "a team." Well, I'm better than dirt -- well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I -- I can't compete with that stuff.

Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.

Homer, lighten up! You're making an ironic mockery of happy hour.

- Moe

Barney: England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Ok, you asked for it, Boggs! [ko's Boggs]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! Pitt the Elder, tsk.
Barney: Lord Palmerston![ko's Moe]

Barney : I don't know where you little pixie people (Bart & Milhouse) came from but I like your magic pixie drink (a Super Slushie).

"Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?
Beat it!  I got no room for cheap skates."
        - Moe opens the bar for St Patrick's Day

"Is that what I'm like drunk?"
"No, that's the stage we call Professor Barney. Coherent, intelligent, even insightful."
     - Barney and Homer review a videotaped party

"Well well, look who showed his face. The louse who sold out his only friend. You got a lotta nerve coming here, but since you did, what'll it be. First one's on the house."
        - Moe welcomes Artie

GRANPA ABE SIMPSON

Abe: Quick! We have to kill the boy! [holds a stake and mallet]
Marge: How do you know he's a vampire?
Abe: He's a vampire? Aah! [runs away]

Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

I used to be with 'it' but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it', and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me.

Bart : "Wow Grandpa how do you know so much about history?"
Abe : "I pieced it together from the back of sugar packets mostly."

PRINCIPAL SKINNER & GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE

Get yer haggis! Right here. Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach. Tastes as good as it sounds."

"Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins! The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury!"

"Hey! Wee bairn! Hie ye hence from me heath!--Ach! Can't ya understand English?"

- Groundskeeper Willie

Skinner : "That's two independant thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms."
Willie : "I warned ye! Didn't I warn ye? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!"

CHIEF WIGGUM

Just get one of those inflatible women, but make sure its a woman though, because one time I ... hehe.

Umpire: Ok, let's go over the ground rules, You can't leave first until you chug a beer, any man scoring has to chug a beer, you have to chug a beer at the top of all odd numbered innings, Oh! and the 4th inning is the beer inning.
Wiggum: Hey! We know how to play softball.

LIONEL HUTZ

This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".

He's had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog with my car. Well replace the word accidently with the word repeatedly and the word dog with son.

MAYOR QUIMBY

You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

Mayor Quimby: "You people are nothing but a bunch of fickle mushheads!"
Crowd: "Hey, he's right! Give us hell, Quimby!"

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Quimby : "Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!"
Advisor (whispered) :  "Uh, election in November.  Election in  November..."
Quimby: "What??  Again??  This stupid country."

SIDESHOW BOB

"You want the Truth? You Can't Handle the truth! I deride your truth-handling abilities! No truth-handler you!"

"I'll be back.  You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the street!  With all of my criminal buddies! Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!"

"You need me Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king!"

"Homer, please! The last thing you need is more enemies."

KRUSTY THE CLOWN

And now, boys and girls, here he is: the boy who says the words you've been longing to hear like the salivating dogs that you are : Bart Simpson.

Jay : How can you vote for Burns' movie?
Krusty: Let's just say it moved me...to a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
        - as a film festival juror in "A Star is Burns"

"All these rules! I feel like I'm in a strip club."
        - getting to grips with the requirements of Judaism

"Krusty's fun T-shirts are made *for* kids *by* kids!"
        - Krusty, advertising his wares

Krusty: "I've worked with marvelous second bananas over the years, but none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem."
[Clip of Krusty with a tall Afro-American sideshow, wearing sunglasses]
Krusty: "Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this." [holds a big mallet]
Sideshow Raheem: "I wouldn't."
Krusty: [makes a peace sign] "Right on." [groans queasily]
...
Krusty: "Angry, angry young man."

MARGE

"Last week, some Jeohvah's Witnesses came to the door, and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade."

"Is everything ok? I kinda got worried when I didn't hear any shots."

"It's my fault Homer, I've been nagging you so much you didn't know which nags to focus on."

"So you want to go on tour with a travelling freakshow?" (to Homer)

Marge: What do I do?
Smithers: Heh, heh, heh. Marge, please! According to your resume you *invented* this machine.

Marge: I'll just have a coffee.
Australian Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, Cof-fee.
Bartender: Be-er?
Marge: Coffee. C-O-...
Bartender: B-E

- Marge, in deepest Australia

"I know exactly what we should do."
"Thank God! And you said we shouldn't let little girls in the war room."
        - Lisa helps the Military fight the 'horde of Homers'

"Doesn't your father ever read to you?"
"He tried once but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory. It consumes him."
        - Artie and Lisa

"Who’s Professor Pigskin?"
"He’s a pig who can predict football winners in advance."
"How is that possible?"
"Because he’s got something no gambler’s ever had. A System! I’ve got the pamphlet four weeks in a row and every time the pick of the week has been right on the money."
"Ohhhh. I get it. Every week they send out two pamphlets, half picking one team and half picking the other. Eventually, there’s a small group of people who only receive the correct predictions and think Professor Pigskin is always right. That’s when they ask for your money."
        - Lisa and Homer

"This is like something out of Dickens... or Melrose Place."

"Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular. More so."

SIMPSON FAMILY

"Shoot them all and let God sort them out"
        - Bart's Uncle's alternative to trials

"Well he can't break my heart, because he kinda makes me sick. This could work!"
        - Selma, about Artie

RALPH

"Me fail english, that unpossible..."

"My cat's breath smells like cat food."

NELSON MUNTZ

<looks in mirror, sees himself>
Haw, haw! Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.

Your wossiness better come in handy...

- Nelson to Martin, on a raid to Shelbyville

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield gorge on my skateboard.
Otto: Huh. You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
Bart: What?
Otto: COOL!!

PROFESSOR FRINK

"I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand... They're Over There!"

"Oh no.. No no I felt that, you didn't carry the one you foolish person. Now you'll incur the
penalties with the compound interest and the wrath and the truncheons ba-hey."

Frink: Pawns can't move that way, you stupid arm! (phone rings) Lab?
Homer's Auto-Message: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me?
Frink: Why it's the AT-5000 Auto-Dialer! My very first patent. Aw, would you listen to the gibberish they've got you saying it's sad and alarming? You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get you home to Frinky. Hope your wheels still work.

"Ohhh, sorry I'm late, there was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head!"

"Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay. "

Frink: "You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok, in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving."
Scientist: "How much time do we have professor?"
Frink: Well, according to my calculations, the robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours (all robots turn against the humans) ...Oh. I forgot to carry the one.

COMIC BOOK GUY

Bart : "I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm! Here's my 99 cents!"
CBG : "Let me summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to buy Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me, negative 54 dollars. [Opens cash register] Oh please, take my money! I don't want it!"
[Bart reaches into the cash register]
CBG : "Seeing as you are unfamiliar with the concept of sarcasm, I will close the register at this point."

DUFFMAN

"Looks like that patch of lawn needs a little H20! Oh yeah!"

"Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!"

POST MODERN

"Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do. Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do! We do.
Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do! We do. Who robs cave fish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do! We do."

- The Secret Order Of The Stone Cutter's Song

         - Homer to the Queen of England

"Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. They're all lies, but they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is no."

You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night ..."
"The McWhat?"
"Uh, the McDonald's. I, I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone."
"Must've sprung up overnight."
"You know, the funniest thing though; it's the little differences.Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. "
"Get out! Well, what do they call it?"
"A Quarter Pounder with cheese."
"Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages?"
"They call 'em, 'shakes.' "
"Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin."

 - Chief Wiggum & Some Of The Police Squad, "22 Short Films About Springfield (3F18)"

- The Simpson Family

        - Marge and Homer

"What's All This Then?"
        - The motto of England's 19th century police force
#

"I have never been around so many famous people I’ve never heard of, telling jokes I don't understand."
        - Matt Groenig accepting an award at the British Comedy Awards

[From "Slate Magazine"]
A personal favorite of mine is meh, which (of course) has no definition in the OED but 737 separate ones on urbandictionary.com, including: "A random word when people either don't know what to say, don't care, can't answer a question or are too drunk to form a coherent english phrase." Meh—which can also be used as an adjective, e.g., "I felt kind of meh about the whole thing"—had the ultimate honor of being featured in a Simpsons exchange:
Homer: "All right, kids. Who wants to go to Blockoland?"
Bart and Lisa: "Meh."
Homer: "But the commercial gave me the impression that..."
Bart: "We said meh."
Lisa: "M-E-H. Meh."

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