SEASON FOUR : THE FRESHMAN

Willow : You did sort of wait until the last minute with your course selection. Buffy : Sorry, Miss "I chose my major in play-group."

Willow : It's just, in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence... It's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and- and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in

Sunday : How about breaking your arm? How does that feel?
Buffy : Let me answer that question with a head-butt.

~

LIVING CONDITIONS

Buffy : And the worst part? I wake up, and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Oz : Well, actually, the worst part I'd have to go with, the demon pouring the blood down your throat.
Willow : Me, too. I would vote for that, too.

Willow : Toenails?
Buffy : Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow : Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.

Buffy : She has parts that keep growing after they're detached. She irons her jeans. She's evil! She has to be destroyed.
Giles : I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.
Buffy : Lite FM. Love songs. Nothing but love songs!
Xander : Ya think?

~

THE HARSH LIGHT OF DAY

Anya : So, where's our relationship?
Xander : Our what? Our who?

Xander : And there's the whole you used to be a man-killing demon thing. Which, to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours.

Anya : I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander : And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.

Spike : Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.

Oz : Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums, or I'm moving in.
Giles : Oz, there are more important things than records right now.
Oz : More important than this one?

~

FEAR, ITSELF

Xander : You said you were over me.
Anya : And you just accepted that?

Xander : That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say, and accept them at face value.
Anya : That's stupid.
Xander : I accept that.

Anya : Are we dating?
Xander : There are definitely date-like qualities at work here.

Oz : Oh, Xander's a civilian.
Frat Guy : Ah, townie, huh? Didn't know. Looked so normal.

Xander : Sensing a disturbance in the force, Master?
Oz : Oh, left speaker's crackling a little bit.

Xander : What ya got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy : Weapons.
Xander : Oh.

Xander : Insurance. You know, in case we get turned into our costumes again, I'm going for cool secret agent guy.
Buffy : I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably end up cool head-waiter guy.
Xander : As long as I'm cool and wield some kind of power.

Willow : I'm Joan of Arc. I figured, we had a lot in common. Seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, and plus, she had that close relationship with God.
Xander : And you are?
<Oz pulls back shirt to reveal name badge reading "God">
Xander : Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.
Oz : Blasphemer.

Anya : Are you listening? Xander's trapped.
Giles : Where's Buffy and the others?
Anya : Oh, they're trapped, too. But we've gotta save Xander!

Buffy : This is Gachnar?
Xander : Big overture. Leetle show.
Gachnar (in a tiny, high-pitched voice) : I am the dark lord of nightmares. The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!
Willow : He... he's so cute!
Gachnar : Tremble!
Xander : Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon? Giles : Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander : Why, can he hurt me?
Giles : No. It's just... tacky.

Anya : What?
Xander : That's your scary costume?
Anya : Bunnies frighten me.

Giles : Oh, bloody hell, the inscription.
Buffy : What's the matter?
Giles : I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy : What's it say?
Giles : Actual size.

~

BEER BAD

Buffy : Oh, Riley - so sorry.
Riley : You know, most people go around. I'm not saying you can't tunnel through me, I just think the other way's quicker.
Buffy : In my defense, you do take up a lot of space.
Riley : I do. I'm ungainly.

Smart Guy : The thing that the modern-day pundits fail to realize is that all the socioeconomic and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too much beer.

Smart Guy : Beer! Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer, there would be no good or evil, there would be "kinda nice" and "pretty cool."

Buffy : TV is a good thing. Bright colors. Music. Tiny little people.

Giles : I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
Xander : I didn't know it was evil.
Giles : You knew it was beer.
Xander : Well, excuse me, Mr. "I spent the 60's in an electric-kool-aid funky-Satan groove."
Giles : It was the early 70's, and you should know better.

Willow : You know, I'm wondering something about you.
Parker : What?
Willow : Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes, and your shy smile, and your ability to talk openly only to me. You're unbelievable.

Giles : Well, she doesn't appear to be in any immediate danger. Maybe you should stay with her.
Bufy : Boy smell nice.
Giles : Or perhaps she should be left alone.

Xander : Anyways, I think the boys in the car are contained for time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geopolitical ramifications of being mean to me.

~

WILD AT HEART

Buffy : You were thinking, what, a little helpless co-ed before bed? You know very well, you eat this late... you're gonna get heartburn.
<stakes vamp>
Get it? Heartburn?
<vamp turns to dust>
That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns? I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know? Give me something to work with.

TV announcer : Treaty signed in 1648 that ended the 30-Years War.
Giles : The Peace of Westphalia.
Contestant: Uh, Yalta?
Giles : Oh, you moron.
TV Announcer : I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Giles : That dinette set should be mine.

~

THE INITIATIVE

Forrest : Check her out. Is she hot, or is she *hot*?
Riley : She's Buffy.
Forrest : Buffy? I like that. The girl's so hot, she's Buffy.
Riley : It's her name, Forrest.

Vamp: They starve you. And when you're ready to bite your own arm, they shoot out one of those packets. You drink, and the next thing, you're gone. And that's when they do the experiments.
Spike : And, uh, "they" are? The government? Nazis? A major cosmetics company?

Spike : I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding.

Willow : Okay, she's wearing the halter-top with the sensible shoes: that means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question.

Xander : I'm warning you, I've been highly trained to put this through your heart. No mercy, no warning.
Harmony : I can kill you where you stand.
Xander : Bring it on, then. <Harmony slaps Xander>
Xander : Ow! <Xander kicks Harmony's shin>
Harmony : Ow! You sissy kicker!

Spike : I'll give you a choice. Now, I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But... I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.
Willow : I'll scream.
Spike : Bonus.

~

HUSH

Little girl : Can't even shout, can't even cry The gentlemen are coming by Looking in windows, knocking on doors They need to take seven, and they might take yours. Can't call to Mom, can't say a word You're gonna die a-screaming, but you won't be heard.

Buffy : I don't know. I get nervous and I start babbling, and he starts babbling, and it's a babble fest.

Forrest : This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. Thank god we're pretty.

Spike (impersonating Anya) : "Xander, don't you care about me?"
Xander : Shut up.
Spike : "We never talk."
Xander : Shut up.
Spike : "Xan-der..."
Xander : SHUT UP!*

~

DOOMED

Buffy : Somebody should speak before one of us graduates.
Riley : What are you?

Buffy : "I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy."
Riley : "I am a nice, normal guy."
Buffy : "Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve."

Giles : It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow & Xander : *Again* ?!?

Spike : What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say, we go out there, and kick a little demon ass. What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her. She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty. Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil. Let's kill something. Oh, come on!

A NEW MAN

Xander : "That's my radio!"
Spike : "And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil."

Riley : Wow.
Buffy : Those were my best stories. I didn't tell you the "Buffy breaks her butt" stories.
Riley : But you killed the... you did the thing with that... You drowned. And the snake? Not to mention the daily slayage of... Wow.
Buffy : It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?
Riley : Buffy... when I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

THE I IN TEAM

Willow : I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call, send to me the heart I desire.
Xander : You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating.
Willow : That wasn't magic. I was praying.

Willow (about Buffy) : "Guess she's out with Riley. You know what it's like with a spanking new boyfriend."
Anya (to Xander) : "Yes, we've enjoyed spanking."

Spike : "And I don't want you crawling back here, knocking on my door, pleading for help the second teen witch's magic goes all wonky, or little Xander cuts a new tooth."

Anya : Xander, you haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why.
Xander : Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money, take Anya nice places, buy pretty things.
Anya : That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more.

GOODBYE IOWA

Buffy : Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We gotta move.
Xander : "Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!"
Buffy : "I was thinking more that we'd hide."
Xander : "Oh thank God."

Willow : Well, look who's cranky-bear in the morning.
Giles : Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya : Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Giles : Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.

Buffy : Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.

Anya : You know, you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander.
Buffy : That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things, like hold hands through the daisies, going "tra-la-la." Willow : Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
Anya : So dump him. But you can't have Xander.
Buffy : I'll try and remember that.

Buffy : It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smile when he smiles" stage.
Anya : I hate that part.

Buffy : Xander, you and I are going undercover.
Anya : Hey! Remember before - no Xander. Not in a boyfriend way, or a "lead him to certain death" way.

THIS YEAR'S GIRL

Xander : So, here it is. The latest in state-of the art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated.
Buffy : So you can repair it?
Xander : Sure. Just as soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology.

Xander : I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.

Forrest : The shish kabob that walks like a man. Looks like you're feeling better, walking around and threatening people and all that.

Xander : Question: will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy : No.
Xander : Told you.

Willow : "What did you tell him?"
Buffy : "The truth. That she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue."
Willow : "It's good that you two have such an honest relationship."

Tara : So, we recon till nightfall?
Willow : Then the ritual hiding begins.

Spike : What do you need?
Xander : Her. Dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. G: Have you seen her?
Spike : Is this bird after you?
Xander : In a bad way, yeah.
Spike : Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch... as she kills you. Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?

Buffy : It's a long story.
Riley : I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for a high-school football game. Try me.

WHO ARE YOU

Spike : "You know why I really hate you, Summers?"
Faith-in-Buffy : "'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?" Spike: "Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it."
Faith-in-Buffy : "'Cause I can do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you would beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? ...Because it's wrong."

Faith-in-Buffy : Faith is evil.
Willow : Yeah, I hope they throw the book at her.
Giles : I'm not sure there is a book for this.
Willow : They could throw other things.

SUPERSTAR

Giles (after Xander sets a book on fire) : Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Anya : Xander's not here.
Buffy : Oh.
*pause*
Anya : You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

Spike : Hey... I know these guys from somewhere.
Anya : Initiative soldiers. They live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house - that's where they kept you and put in your chip. Let's have fun! Spike : What are you doing? You brought me *here*?
Xander: Anya? What are you doing? You brought *him* here?
Spike : That's what I said, only I hit the "here" part.

Xander: A ghost? What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks.

Willow (listening to Giles' singing) : Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.

NEW MOON RISING

Tara : Do you like cats?
Willow : I'm more of a dog person myself, but I'm not, like, death to all cats.

Xander : Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call. You don't write.

Buffy : God, I never knew you were such a bigot!
Riley : Whoa, hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.

THE YOKO FACTOR

Spike : You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his résumé, you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again.

Xander : Boot camp? Yeah, like I'd go there.
Spike : What, you change your mind? Not gonna join?
Anya (hitting him the chest) : You're joining the Army?!
Xander: OK. (to Anya) Ow! (to Spike) Where'd you get that idea? (to Anya) Ow! (to both) I'm not joining the Army!
Anya : Good. Stopped that nonsense just in time.

Anya : They look down on you.
Xander : And they hate you.
Anya : But they don't look down on me.

Buffy (to Xander and Willow) : If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out

RESTLESS

Xander : Dinner is served, and my very own recipe.
Willow : Oooo, you pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn?" Xander : Actually I pushed "Defrost," but Joyce was there in a clinch.

Anya : OK. A man walks in to the office of a doctor. He's wearing on his head, um, oh wait, there's a duck, is that right?
Guy From Audience: You suck!
Anya : Quiet, you'll miss the humorous conclusion.

Giles : Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
Buffy : You know you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles : I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy : Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

#

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