MANCHESTER I

Sandy : "Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?"
Bartlet : "Yeah. And I'm gonna win."

Leo : "You've all had time. How much more do you need?"
Sam : "Well, some of us have had more time than others."

Leo : "With everything that's going on, I don't think we need to be marriage counsellors too."
Toby : "Well, yeah, because you and I would be so good at it."

CJ : "Our numbers are less than yeasty."

Charlie : "Aren't you supposed to be writing?"
Toby : "I am writing."
Charlie : "I don't see paper."
Toby : "We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... Paper's for wimps."

MANCHESTER II

Doug : "It's a simple equation. Bartlet rules America; America rocks; therefore Bartlet rocks."
Sam : "'America rocks'?"
Toby : "'Bartlet rocks'?"
Doug : "Yes."
Josh : "He really... doesn't... that much."

Bruno : "You people can find more ways to blow it..."
Leo : "We might be running out."

Josh : "This is going to be a close election."

Bartlet : "It occurs to me I never said I'm sorry. I am. For the lawyers, for the press, for the mess, for the fear..."

WAYS AND MEANS

Donna : "You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies."
Josh : "Yeah, me too."
Donna : "I bet you have."

Carol : "When a fire starts, it's not our policy to put it out?"
CJ : "That's something they shouldn't say. Put that in the memo with a big red circle and a line going through it."

CJ : "We need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?"

CJ : "I want you to get with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper."
Ainsley : "You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?"
CJ : "Do you?"
Ainsley : "Yes."

Ainsley : "You need a haircut."
Sam : "Shouldn't you be trying to keep me out of jail or something?"

Bartlet : "Are we out of pens? That's a good pen, I need an everyday pen."
Charlie : "I've got pens."
Bartlet : "You've got crappy pens with plastic tops. I need a solid pen that feels good in my hand but it's not so formal I feel like a dandy."
Charlie : "I'm making some trips to pen stores, aren't I, Mr. President?"

Donna : "Why are you a Republican?"
Cliff : "Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to contraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints."
Donna : "Wow."
Cliff : "You agree with that?"
Donna : "No, it's crap, but you're really cute."

Josh : "Toby, I don't know on how many fronts we can fight a war. Maybe its time to find out."

Bartlet : "Josh!"
Josh : "Yes sir."
Bartlet : "A ballerina?"
Josh : "Yeah, I... I didn't know... what it was at the time... I... I liked the word."
Bartlet : "We'll go with that for now."

Bartlet : "It doesn't matter if most voters don't benefit, they all believe that someday they will. That's the problem with the American Dream, it makes everyone concerned for the day they're gonna be rich."

CJ : "Come and get us."

ON THE DAY BEFORE

Bartlet : "You know what we're starting with tonight?"
Josh : "No, sir."
Bartlet : "Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chévre brioche."
Josh : "Was anything you just said food?"

Josh : "I wouldn't know a spotted owl if he walked up and introduced himself."

Josh : "He can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote."
Donna : "What kind of amendment?"
Josh : "Doesn't matter. To qualify for the estate tax repeal the estates have to have Astroturf."
Donna : "And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done."

Leo : "Bill Russell was getting eaten alive because they could never get him to throw an elbow. He didn't want to do it. So, Red Auerbach told him to do it one time. 'Throw an
elbow in a nationally televised game. You'll never have to do it again.' You bet your ass they'll know the leak came from us. Toby, whatever's on the table in there... take it or leave it."

WAR CRIMES

Bartlet : "It sucked."
Abby : "You're talking about church."
Bartlet : "Oh, like I'm not already going to hell."

Leo : "Wanna go down to the Situation Room, blow 'em off the face of the earth?"
Adamley : "Yeah."

Bartlet : "Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?"
Hoynes : "They're not my convictions, they're yours."
Bartlet : "Oh, yeah, I forgot."

Sam : "If you're in the middle of something, I can come back."
Adamley : "We're eliminating genocide. What are you doing?"
Sam : "Eliminating the penny. So, I'll come back."

Toby : "We're a group. We're a team. From the President and Leo on through, we're a team. We win together, we lose together, we celebrate and we mourn together. And defeats are softened and victories sweetened because we did them together."

Bartlet : "It's not easy being my Vice-President, is it?"
Hoynes : "No, sir."
Bartlet : "I wouldn't think so."

GONE QUIET

Leo : "We've got to meet with Albie."
Bartlet : "He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me."
Leo : "You'll be fine."
Bartlet : "I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'"

Toby : "Does $105 million mean anything to you?"
Ginger : "I'm a simple girl, Toby."
Toby : "Yes, yes you are."

Tawny : "The artist destroys all his belongings in front of a Starbucks in Haight-Ashbury."
Sam : "I've done that a couple of times... didn't know there was funding for it."

CJ : "Why do you want to be president?"
Bartlet : "I've been thinking about that for the last few hours... I almost had it."

THE INDIANS IN THE LOBBY

Bartlet : "You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?"
CJ : "I'm coming up on it?"
Bartlet : "No, No. Look behind you."

Josh : "So there're these two Indians in the lobby."
CJ : "Yeah?"
Josh : "No, that's not the beginning of a joke. I'm saying there're these two Indians in the lobby."

Josh : "Find me something!"
Donna : "Why is this being done last minute?"
Josh : "And remember to scold me a couple times before I go."

Josh : "Well, I'm not an expert but wouldn't we have a better chance of getting re-elected if we could say there were four million fewer poor people? Hang on, wait, I am an expert."

Bartlet : "I can't ask Rene right now."
Leo : "Why not?"
Bartlet : "Well frankly I thought he did something stupid and inconsiderate last week but it turns out I was just in a bad mood."

Donna : "I'm telling your mother you forgot where she lives!"
Josh : "You're the girl I made fun of in elementary school, you know that?"
Donna : "Yes, I do."

Toby (as Sam paces) : "I should be able to at least fire paintballs at you while you do that."

THE WOMEN OF QUMAR

Josh : "Amy Gardner's always irate about something. I wouldn't give it a lot of thought."

Josh (to Amy) : "Well forgive us for talking to lawyers about the law."

Josh : "I went to see Amy and show her who's boss."
CJ : "Yeah. What was the outcome on that?"
Josh : "I'm not really sure."

Amy : "Are you dating your assistant?"
Josh : "No."
Amy : "'Cause I heard you might be."
Josh : "I'm not."
Amy : "Are you dating Joey Lucas?"
Josh : "No."

Amy : "Waterballoon!".
Josh : "What are you, like 15?"

BARTLET FOR AMERICA

Leo : "Don't help me."
Josh : "I'm gonna help you, 'cause you know why?"
Leo : "'Cause you walk around with so much guilt about everybody you love dying that you're a compulsive fixer?"

Mike : "Listen, churches are burning down, otherwise I'd be hitting on you."
Donna : "I appreciate that."

Abbey : "Sam Seaborn's very funny."
Bartlet : "Which one is he?"
Abbey : "The young one."
Bartlet : "They're all young."

Leo : "The President was at the debate site walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own, like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds, also as his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams."

Leo : "I like the little things. The way a glass feels in your hand, a good glass - thick, with a heavy base. I love the sound an ice cube makes when you drop it from just the right height. Too high, and it will chip when you drop it. Chip the ice and it will melt too fast in the Scotch..."
Jordan : "You had a drink?".
Leo : "I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? My brain works differently."

Mike : "In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid."

H. CON-172

Leo : "You think I am so desperate to save my ass I'm going to roll over on Jed Bartlet? I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me."

Larry : "I'm Larry, he's Ed."
CJ : "I usually don't know that."

Josh : "Press hold, and I will pick up the phone in my office."
Donna : "I'm sorry, how does a telephone work again?"

Bartlet & Toby (quoting The Lion In Winter) : Geoffrey says, 'You fool! As if it matters how a man falls down.' And Richard says, 'When the fall's all that's left, it matters a great deal.'

100,000 AIRPLANES

Donna (to Josh) : "So many women, so little charm."

Carol : "Congratulations, boss!"
CJ : "Nice job - take the rest of the night off."
Carol : "Yeah. It's one in the morning."

Donna : "We're getting beat by the system!"
Josh : "We are the system."
Donna : "We suck!"
Josh : "Yes!"

Josh : "Do the two of you ever go anywhere separately?"
Ed : "It's weird, isn't it?"
Josh : "It's a little weird, yeah."

Lisa : "Which one's Ed and which one's Larry?"
Ed & Larry : "Doesn't matter."

THE TWO BARTLETS

Amy : "You know, for the most insecure guy I’ve ever met, you’re pretty sure of yourself."

Josh : "It's a strange day when I'm involved with national security."
Sam : "I was just thinking the same thing."

Josh : "I'm sayin', when I walk out that door, I'm buying plane tickets."
Amy : "I'm sayin', when I walk out that door, I'm buying new bikinis."
Josh : "I'm going fast now."

Sam : "She didn’t break up with him for you. I guarantee it. She is a fully independent woman. She’s the real thing. Stop looking at her different than you did yesterday. The next thing that happens, you find a reason to be mad at her."
Josh : "You're wrong."
Sam : "Guys like you?"
Josh : "Yeah?"
Sam : "I'm one of them."

Toby : "It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there."

Josh : "I need to be here for this."
Leo : "No, you don't."
Josh : "Don't worry about it."
Leo : "My wife lives in my house, I live in a hotel. And this is why."

Toby : "There’s always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded
professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all
time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated.
Lethal. The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart."

NIGHT FIVE

Toby (to Leo) "This is the fifth time you're reading it. Are there words in there you don't understand?"

Sam : "The language was drafted by Republicans... I just want you to look for legal land mines."
Ainsley : "Like what?"
Sam : "I don't know. A ban on German food, or hidden amendment saying how annoying the French are."
Ainsley : "How about this? We drop out the U.N. entirely and use the 926 million to take everybody in the country out to brunch?

Sam : "I was having a good night until, like, three minutes ago."

Ainsley : "If I felt demeaned, I'd be among the very first people to know it."

Ainley : "I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect that I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex...
I don't think that whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it."
Celia : "And what kind of feminism do you call that?"
Ainsley : "My kind."

Toby : "Guess what?"
Andy : "What?"
Toby : "Our goal is to proclaim American values."

Andy : "We don't have any staunch allies in the Arab world; just reluctant ones. We've a
coalition held together with duct tape!"

Toby : "How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for
harbouring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic
sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card
and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world
told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited... I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but
with Mussolini!"

Sam : "You bet, baby."
Toby : "You probably want to rethink calling me baby."

Stanley : "This is an unusual conversation."
Bartlet : "I get that a lot."
Stanley : "I'd imagine."

Stanley : "They keep moving the goalpost on you, don't they? Get A's, good college, Latin honours. Get into the London School of Economics. Get a good teaching job. Ivy League school, tenure. Now you gotta publish, now you gotta go to Stockholm."

Stanley : "I think Lincoln did what he thought was right, even though it meant losing half the
country. I think you don't do what you think is right if it means losing Michigan's electoral votes."

Stanley : "Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the president. Our time is up."

HARTSFIELD'S LANDING

Bartlet (to Toby) : "You were out of line, I was a jackass. Let's call it a truce."

Bartlet : "Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck. This game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart and you've got it, my friend."
Toby : "You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy you and I are going round and round."

Josh : "No, we're not making a trade commitment to the Flenders."

Bartlet (to Sam) : "See the whole board."

Sam : "You never intended to sell the destroyers to Taiwan... How do you do it?"

Bartlet : "Sam, you're gonna run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. That's checkmate."

DEAD IRISH WRITERS

Abbey : "You really planned this all yourself?"
Bartlet : "I'm like Gatsby, but without the problems."

Bartlet : "Hello, John. There are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife."
Lord Marbury : "My God! Really?"

Leo : "You ever mix politics and the President's family and get a good result?"
Sam : "No."
Leo : "Me neither, and I've been at this a lot longer."

Sam : "I am not an instigator!"
CJ : "Yes, you are!"
Sam : "Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels."

CJ : "I will say this for you, you can wear a tuxedo."
Sam : "I know."
CJ : "I know you know."

Toby : "I think we have to be careful how we use the word terrorist. Can I call you John?"
Lord Marbury : "I am John, Lord Marbury, Earl of Croix, Marquis of Needham and Dolby, Baronet of Brixton, England's ambassador to the United States. A terrorist is a terrorist even if he wears a green necktie and sings 'Danny Boy'. Yes, you can call me John."

Amy : "If women were the only voters, the Democrats would win in a landslide every time. If men were the only voters, the GOP would be the left-wing party."
Josh : "Let me tell you why this is a dangerous area. Because I can't make decisions based on the fact that I like your smooth skin."

Sam : "Okay. So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics?"
Professor Milgate : "No."
Sam : "Why?"
Professor Milgate : "You were bad at it."

Sam : "I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the superconducting supercollider."
Professor Milgate : "How much time do we have?"
Sam : "About ten minutes."
Professor Milgate : "If you pay very close attention, stay very, very quiet - I can teach you how to spell it."

Professor Milgate : "We're losing the race for discovery, Sam. For discovery."

Lord Marbury : "The darkness in our sunshine, the shadow in our souls, the biblical sins of the fathers. For Americans, it's slavery. Slavery is your original sin. That and your unfortunate
history with your aborigines."
Toby : "Native Americans."
Lord Marbury : "For the English, it's Ireland."

Bartlet : "In my house, anyone who used one word when they could have used ten just isn't trying hard."

Amy : "Canadian, huh?"
Donna : "Yeah."
Amy : "You feel funnier?"
Donna : "No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex."

Bartlet : "What the hell? I was gone only forty-five minutes and they were all Americans when I left!"
Donna : "I know exactly how you feel, Mr. President."

THE US POET LAUREATE

Bartlet : "Why are you smiling?"
Toby : "Happiness is my default position."

Sam ( about Ainsley) : "She's just slightly to the right of the Kaiser."

Sam : "Okay, for people outside the building, I'll fall on my sword, but for people inside the building, I wasn't there!"

Sam ( to Ainsley ) : "You lose. I win. It was ever thus."

Sam : "Before I look for anything, I look for a mind at work."

Josh : "Why do you suppose this one's so hard to spin?"
CJ : "Because it's the classic Washington scandal, we screwed up by telling the truth."
Josh : "All right. Let's try not to do that that much."

Josh : "I am an elitist, but I have respect for people who don't measure up."

Josh ( to CJ ) : "Technically I outrank you..."

STIRRED

Sam : "You know what I'd do if I owned a hockey team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler. I'd give him a uniform, transportation, 500 bucks a week to sit in the goal, eat a ham sandwich, and enjoy the game. My team would never get scored on."
Josh : "Your team would get scored on constantly."

Sam : "My idea's totally inviable?"
Josh : "Well, you're a Democrat. It's a pretty big club."

Sam : "What do you think he's gonna say when you tell him?"
Josh : "I think he's gonna say, 'Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn.'"

Josh : "We haven't vetted this woman... Do a Google search, then talk to me."

Hoynes : "I love sports, I just can't get next to hockey. See, I think Americans like
to savour situations. One down, bottom of the ninth, one run game, first and third, left
handed batter, right hand reliever, infield at double play depth, here's the pitch. But
scoring in hockey seems to come out of nowhere."

CJ : "So... that leaves us where?"
Josh : "Wondering if Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican."

Bartlet : "It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?"
Morello : "We used a translation, Mr. President."
Bartlet : "Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version."

Hoynes : "It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math... they're sure running the right guy against us."

ENEMIES FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC

Donna : Well, what did you expect?
CJ : Very angry faxes from Saudis and angry e-mails. Look at these.
Donna : I'm seeing some troubling spelling here. 'Godless' with two "d's."

Ivanovich : Sam, it is freezing too cold in Rheykjavik, it is freezing too cold in Helsinki, it is
freezing too cold in Staad, why must every American president bound out of an automobile
like he's at a yacht club, while in... comparison,  while in comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.
Sam : Frumpy?
Ivanovich : I don't know what 'frumpy' is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right.
Sam : It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy' but knows onomatopoeia. I'll talk to the President about the coat.

Kozlowski : What is onomatopoe...
Ivanovich : Sounds like. Sounds like.

Sam : Now, I have to tell you, sir, that both these negotiators had conversational English, but they didn't have idioms. I promise you...
Bartlet : 'Stem the tide" is an English idiom.
Sam : Yeah, and they don't have 'surely, once is enough' either.
Josh : Sir, Chigorin wrote that.
Sam : I think he's trying to send you a message, Mr. President.

General Fitzwallace : Wait a second! Hang on... You're telling me that foreign policy of this magnitude is conducted through Sam and I'm still alive?

Agent Donovan : Special Agent Simon Donovan. I'm with the Treasury Department.
CJ : Aha. What branch of the Treasury Department, Agent Donovan?
Agent Donovan : U.S. Secret Service.

Simon : This guy isn't small-time, Ms. Cregg. You're being hunted. By the way, I can't guarantee anything except to say that if you're dead, chances are I am, too.

THE BLACK VERA WANG

Ginger : "You ate a moose?"
Sam : "No. I don't like eating things where the cartoon character can talk - and, you know, hatch a plan."

Josh : "Good morning."
Donna : "My man!"
Josh : "Yes."
Donna : "You came back to me."
Josh : "Just like I promised."
Donna : "I missed you."
Josh : "When did you find you missed me the most?"
Donna : "The nights."
Josh : "Of course."

CJ : "There's no way you're letting me walk out the door."
Agent Donovan : "I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?"

WE KILLED YAMAMOTO

Leo : "I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full throttle, like there's now a Sam Seaborn sized hole in the wall."

Leo : "Toby, an encouraging word from you to Sam wouldn't be totally out of line."
Toby : "Sam doesn't need to be patronized. He'll shake it off."
Leo : "It'd make him feel better."
Toby : "I don't want him feeling better, I want him feeling mad. Is there anyone you'd rather have as a blood enemy less than Sam? That's how I want him."

Amy : "All women count on you, Josh. We find you godlike."

Bartlet : "Josh, is there no way you can tame this woman?"

North Dakotan : "'North' makes us sound cold, flat, and snowy."
Donna : "Well, you are cold and flat and snowy."

CJ : "Is it a good gym?"
Agent Donovan : "We run alongside moving cars."

Fitzwallace : "Can you tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore?"
Leo : "No."
Fitzwallace : "I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore."

Fitzwallace "We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. They've got pregnant women delivering bombs. You're talking to me about international laws. The laws of nature don't even apply here!

Leo : "He's killed innocent people. He'll kill more, so we have to end him. The village idiot comes to that conclusion before the Nobel Laureate."

POSSE COMITATUS

Reporter : How close?
CJ : Look at the color of Josh Lyman's hair.

Leo : I don't want the President... All right. I was gonna say I don't want him putting a voice to the guy. I take my daughter to a seafood place, the first thing she does is name all the lobsters in the tank, so I can't eat them.

Fitzwallace : The Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 prohibits the military from civilian law enforcement, and
it can't happen on American soil.
Bartlet : The things we choose to care about.

CJ : I tried to kiss you.
Simon : You said you didn't!
CJ : I was lying, you idiot.

Toby : He's at the Yankee game right now?
Sam : Local news covered it. He said this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
Toby : I've been to 441 baseball games in Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's
ordinary.
Sam : I know.
Toby :You making fun of the Yankees?
Sam : No.

Sam : There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the
primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to temper an election, but...
Toby : I am so... proud of you.
Sam : You're really very much freaking me out.

Donna : Yeah, that's how you had to win this one. You think her job's really in jeopardy?
Josh : No, she'll lose it for sure. Anyway, good job. See you tomorrow.
Donna : You're not gonna stick around for the vote?
Josh : We won by eight.

Amy : It's going all right, and I'd do it again.
Josh : That's what's scaring the hell out of me.

#

"Josh's verbal sparring with Donna remains infinitely more enjoyable (than his relationship with Amy), one of my friends wants them to get married and have their own spin-off sitcom."
        - TV Gal, Zap2It.Com

"Maybe The West Wing will spawn a generation of brilliant backroom wizards but no one who has the remotest intention of standing for election. You can be too smart, you know."
        - Declan Lynch, "The Sunday Independent"

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