From adamj@iol.ie Wed Jul 24 00:41:18 1996
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
Subject: Amazing Recoveries Presents: The Any Key Keyboard (was Re: Hey, your fly is open.)
From: adamj@iol.ie (amp)
Date: Tue, 23 Jul 1996 23:41:18 GMT
It was Mon, 22 Jul 1996 06:08:11 GMT when fts@cris.com (Chester 'Chet' Karma) writed:
[Samarai Snip, only $40!!!]
>>--
>>Endless Mike >> but my keyboard doesn't have an ANY key.
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
>AMP! Yer the chief designer! Give him an ANY key!
My name is Amp Leveley and welcome to Amazing Recoveries
On tonight's show we've got this fabless new product and
here to tell us more is, from the icy Norway it'ssss..
....MORTEN HARKET!!
MH: Hi, glad to be here! Yes.
AMP: Why _is_ the Any Key Keyboard such a fabulous product Morten?
MH: Well, I am glad you asked me that, Amp. You see it is in
the unique way in which it's designed. Normal keyboards have
a bewildering amount of keys on them. For instance take this
market leader keyboard *picks up standard keyboard* look at all
the keys. Do you know what any of them mean?
AMP: Haven't a clue Morten! *smiles inanely at audience*
By the way do you like my jumper?
MH: Er..no. You see those wacky guys at ANY KEY Research saw the problems
people were having with the standard keyboard. Also many of the keys are now
redundant with the new GUI interfaces available.
AMP: GUI?? What's that, Morten? *smiles inanely at audience*
MH: It's a mouse based operating system.
AMP: *smiles inanely at audience, audience begins to get nervous*
MH: To show how difficult such a device can be to use we need some volunteers.
AMP: Your absolutley right Morten, earlier today we hand-picked volunteers
from an extremely intelligent newsgroup on the Internet..
MH: That's Usenet actually.
AMP: I JUST LOVE THE INTERNET!!!
*smiles maniacally at audience, members of the which begin
to shake convulsively*
MH: What group was it?
AMP: Shut it Morten!
*smiles hysterically at audience, old lady commits hari kari with a Samarai
kitchen knife. Price: only $30!! with FREE JUICER!!*
And here they are!
*In troop the volunteers, who bounce off walls, peer at the TV monitors, forget how to walk and fall
on the ground. All have silly grins on their faces. They are then lined up behind a long table each
with an ordinary keyboard in front of them. Camera pans back to Amp Leveley and Morten Harket*
AMP: We'll just leave them with the keyboards for a while. Meanwhile a word from our sponsors:
Tense, nervous headache?
Bang your head off a monitor!!
In three great multisyncing flavours!!!
Samarai Sharp Blades.
For the sharpness you need
To cut your entrails.
New MEOW MEOW MEOW AND BACON MEOW BABY Catfood!!
Your cat will go fucking mental for the taste.
GOVERNMENT INFORMATION BULLETIN
Hi, I'm a semi-famous old athlete, and I find
that what really makes me happy is a glass
of cool refreshing DHMO.
Try some today!!!
END OF BULLETIN, YOU MAY SCREAM NOW.
These are not the advertisements of
Migital Equipment Corporation or anyone else.
Migital - Whatever, it breaks
AMP: Welcome back to Amazing Recoveries!!!!
*Amp is wearing a new jumper, camera crew put on their
special High-intensity Polaroid Shades*
That was really fun..don't you think so
Morten?
MH: I can't see! I can't see!! *Morten does not have shades*
AMP: *smiles insanely at the one member of the audience still tied to their
chair. Due to his false teeth he has been unable to chew his limbs off
like the rest of the crowd*
Well lets see how our volunteers got on!
*The two walk over (Morten clawing wildly) to the volunteers stopping at the first one*
AMP: Hi, what's your name?
First volunteer: Huh?
*crew member hands shades to Morten*
AMP: I said: what's your name?
MH: I can see!!! but a strange voice in my ear keeps saying Nosy.
I think I'm possessed!
AMP: Hi Nosy, how did you get on with your keyboard?
NOSY: Huh?
AMP: I said: how did you get on with your keyboard?
BOB HOPE: Mind if I play through? *swings club*
MH: Huh?
AMP: I wonder how our next volunteer got on.
Hi, what's your name?
Second volunteer: aaarrrg!!
AMP: Hi Aaarrrg!!
AAARRRG!!: No my name's Chesterrrggh!!
aaaarrrg!!
AMP: Ok I'll use your first name Chesterrrggh!!
How did you get on with your keyboard?
CHESTERRRGGH!!: It hurts, damnabit!!
MH: As you can see Chesterrrggh!! has become trapped under his
keyboard. With the Any Key keyboard, because of it's unique
construction, it weighs 90% less than an ordinary keyboard.
AMP: Why _is_ that Morten?
*smiles horrifically at the remaining audience member who
is actually quite enjoying the show now*
MH: I'm glad you asked me that Amp, it's made of a revolutionary new
plastic developed...
*in the background the sound of keyboards bashing together can be heard*
...on the NASA mission to Mars. We call it polystyrene.
AMP: Shit! I really really really despise polystyrene!!! I hate it!!!
aaaarrrgggg!!!
CHESTERRRGGH!!: Hello?
MH: We shall be back after this short break.
>
>com to AOL
>thats amerika on lin
>you get bisks for a O L
>and bisks is sucks
>try today
>here cum the dinosurs
>
Buy Spatch Flakes!!
The tasty alternative to growth hormones.
Fortified with serious amounts of caffeine.
and bacon!!
Try...:
http://www.iol.ie/~adamj/arty
...For a shameless effort to get more hits!
Tonight on CNBSABCMS42!
An amazing National Geographic documentary
about the new archaeological finds in the
Peoples Republic of Ie. Did Vikings really
get lost and invade Iol. Is the legendary
Perald Groovythang really entombed there?
Find out tonight at 9:42!!!
CHESTERRRGGH!!: ..so you see after his finger got cut..
MH: AHA! We are back.
*the keyboard bashing sounds are becoming louder, a scream is heard*
AMP: Umm..yes..
*frowns inanely at audience member, who doesn't bat an eyelid,
he's been through hell and it can't get any worse*
AMP: What's your name? *to Third volunteer*
Third volunteer: WXWILKI!1! DOOD!!
AMP: There's no need to shout, WXWILKI!1!
WXWILKI!1!: CANT HELP IT DOOOD!11!!! IM IN HEL!!1!!
MH: As we can see WXWILKI!1! is unable to disengage his Capslock key.
Another incredible design flaw. The Any Key Keyboard has
no Capslock key so this cannot happen.
WXWILKI!1!: WERE R THE NOOOD GIFZZ OV T3RI HA7HCER U PROMIZED ME DOOOOD!!!1!
AMP: Your fee will be paid after the show.
*Amp Leveley and Morten Harket move on*
MH: AHA! look, here we can see yet another problem with the ordinary
keyboard.
*Camera pans over to two volunteers who are engaged a furious dual
and we see for the first time where the keyboard bashing sounds are
coming from*
AMP: Er Hi, could we talk to you guys for a moment?
Forth Volunteer: Avast! ye shackleborund Scunthorpe ye, Magnus!!
MAGNUS: I shalle have thy head, ye fontabarous Northampton ye, Anti JN!!
*We notice several camerapersons heads on the ground, shades intact, bodies not*
ROSS GARMIL: Is this one of those fan thingys?
ANTI JN: Russ?
MH: Because of the long, thin shape of most keyboards, fights can break out at any
time. The Any Key Keyboard has a special rubber bumper which prevents this kind
of brutal savagery.
AMP(looking at the carnage): Actually I think it's pretty good.
*smiles blindingly at audience member, audience member smiles back
ferociously*
aaaaag!
MH: Are you ok Amp?
AMP: I miss my red mug..
MH: Our next volunteer seems to be having some trouble with his keyboard..
AMP(composure regained a little): Your name is..?
Sixth volunteer: umm..sdc@teleport.com ()
AMP: Really? How do you pronounce that?
SDC@TELEPORT.COM (): sdc@teleport.com ()
AMP: Oh. Having trouble?
SDC@TELEPORT.COM (): I think it's broken
AMP: Why do you think that?
SDC@TELEPORT.COM (): Isn't it obvious? There are no keys on it and I can't
press F1 to continue.
MH: Another common problem. *turns keyboard over*
SDC@TELEPORT.COM (): There it is! At last, I can continue!!
MH: The Any Key keyboard on the other hand has large stickers on all sides...
AMP: Oh I see! They say "This way up ^". That's pretty good!
MH: And so you can see that the Any Key Keyboard is far more advanced than
any regular keyboard and is the future of input devices.
There is no ¬ key, there is no ³ key, whatever they mean anyway.
It has been designed for the minimum of hassle and maximum efficiency.
No flashing lights to distract the user, just one key labelled ANY.
AMP: Absolutley brilliant, that's just totally excellent Morten. I feel so happy
I could sing. Words can't describe how great I feel about this keyboard. If I
died right now I think I'd be happy in the knowledge that I had found out about
the bestest keyboard known throughout the entire known and unknown universe!!
TOM SERVO: Amp Leveley, as always the genuine, impartial and probing host.
AMP: *smiles with evil intent at audience member, audience member (smiling) is gently stroking
a red mug*
YOU BASTARD!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
*Amp runs towards audience waving fists in the air*
CHEESY VOICEOVER: The Any Key keyboard is available in the following places:
*large list appears on screen* If your locality does appear, well
then your just not living in the right area are you?
Ring now ($2.00 plus troll, if any. Children, ask your parents.)
CHEESY VOICEOVER 2: The Any Key keyboard, a marvel of design, available exclusively
from Amazing Recoveries. Buy one for you granny, buy two for
your uncle. Buy five and send them to your friends, they will
then post them to five of their friends. Pretty soon you will
have thousands of keyboards sent back to you.
I tried all sorts of keyboard schemes before this one
but now I can build a 1996 Christler Holy Smoke Shitmobile out
of the keyboards I have received. This is not illegal (in Ecuador)
ORDER NOW
*roll credits*
CHEESY VOICEOVER 3: Next on CNBSABCMS42 in "Talk with Nafziger", Jason asks Flapjack:
Will you ever be able to put your ass behind you?
amp: way too drained to put something witty here..
--
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