This and the following (Amazing Recoveries) were written while off sick, dieing of the flu and drinking far too much cafeine based fluids.
From adamj@iol.ie Tue Jul 23 03:11:07 1996
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,alt.stupidity.spatch
Subject: THE IE EMPIRE WILL RISE AGAIN!!!! (was Re: I do not live in Massachusetts)
From: adamj@iol.ie (amp)
Date: Tue, 23 Jul 1996 02:11:07 GMT
It was 22 Jul 1996 20:34:53 GMT when limrag@bu.edu (Ross Garmil) writed:
[sadly snipped]
>The Immigration and Naturalization Services tried to deport amp, but could
>not figure out what country ".ie" stood for, nor could they understand why he
>could not be found on American soil in order to deport.
For Spatch sake! How many times do I have to explain this! Ok maybe this document
about my country will clear up things up.
IE: A QUICK GUIDE Page 1 of 42
===================================================================================
INTRODUCTION
------------
The Peoples Republic of Ie is a small island off the coast of Greece. Once it's empire
covered the Southern Europe but fell in ruins in about 1420BC when the conquering
Ieouians were confronted by a group Romans led by Jenio Nachosfigario who shouted
"Your Mom!" constantly. The Ieouians fled in terror and never recovered.
Ie was then conquered by the famous Greek General: Rosso Del Toado in a the last
battle for Ie. He and his men landed on the island at night and for 42 nights and 42
days they went about constructing a huge elaborate frog-like statue made of wood and
on wheels.
They thought this was really cool and then rushed into Iol (our capital) and held the
then leader King Siant Taramp hostage for 42 hours until the city capitulated.
After Ies days of glory it remained largely forgotten.
Ie gained independence from Greece around the turn of the century when the only
Greek official (Antoni Jano) who actually knew of the islands existence died in a
complicated accident involving a sword, a toaster and some vaseline.
CULTURE
-------
Every year independence is celebrated when everybody throws toasters out the highest
window in the house to the cry of "Where's the vaseline!!!"
Our National Anthem:
Safely do we cook
With bread upon the grill
Where, is, the vaseline?
It's on the window sill!
(At this stage everybody must breakdance really fast)
Wee looove Big Hooter,
The toasters he doth provide,
Dead is the Greek Official,
Hooter never lied!!
(Unfortunately by the end many of the elders have died due to frantic pace
of the dancing. Our leader (who wrote the backing instrumental) generously
provides however with giant toaster incineration ceremonies for a nominal fee)
GOVERNMENT
----------
The population is around 542 and is governed by a democratically elected party
system. In fact it was one of the earliest democracies in the world because voters had
to vote at 4.20 am in the morning using dried portions of pigskin. This system is
credited to the great philosopher Arispatchole.
Today, due to the small population there is however only one party: The We Love Big
Hooter Party.
INDUSTRY
--------
Again because of the small population there is only one member of this party:
Bernard Hooter. He also is the largest employer in Ie: Big Hooter's Toaster
Factory.
RELIGON
-------
The religion of Ie is polytheist, consists of the 365.42 gods, and is called Chestrilism.
When every child reaches the age of 4.2 they are brought to the Holy Villa (Ieouian
equivalent of a church) where a heavy block of stone is placed upon them. The child
must then recite the Five Sins of Gillette and then make a rude noise of their choice.
For each Ieouian worship happens in the early in the morning when they flips over the Holy
Calendar to see what God to praise that day. A complicated ritual must then be
completed, consisting of bowing, jumping, whispering, shouting, finished off with
banging ones head off the holy monitor. The current head of the the Church of Chestrilism
is Bishop Porto del Tel (SDC).
This happens every day except Monday when on flipping the Calendar the worshiper must only utter
"You Bastard".
=============================Copyright 1942-1996 Ieouian Tourist Board=========================
amp: who regrets that parts of Ieouian history (including some of it's famous figures) have been
lost down the ages.
--
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