MST3K gets the stoopid treatment, Spatch style..
From spatula@kona.javanet.com Fri Jun 21 10:16:06 1996
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,alt.stupidity.spatch
Subject: Mystery Stupid Theater: Rilly bad porn
From: spatula@kona.javanet.com (tv's Spatch)
Date: 21 Jun 1996 05:16:06 -0400
SPATCH: Hi, and welcome to the Spatula of Love, I'm Spatch Robinson and these
are my bots, Ross and Amp Servo.
ROSS: Hey.
AMP SERVO: How's it going?
SPATCH: Anyhow, we're waiting for the evil Dr. Wilkinson and Jason
to send us the day's crappy Usenet post, and so I thought to pass
the time we'd play a little game of What's Up My Nose, and it's
Amp's turn.
AMP SERVO: Ok, guys, guess, what's up my nose?
SPATCH: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
AMP SERVO: Uh, no...
ROSS: Is it known for its work in the theatre?
AMP SERVO: Sorry, Ross, it's not...
SPATCH: Is it snot?
AMP SERVO: No fair! How'd you guess?
SPATCH: You gave it away yourself.
AMP SERVO: D'oh!
ROSS: Hey, wait a minute. Spatch, that was the lamest opening you've ever
given for the show.
AMP: Actually, it was the only opening he's ever given for the show.
ROSS: What gives?
SPATCH: Well, you see, since it was the first opening, we had to give out
some form of exposition, you see. Set up the joke and all that,
even if it is just a one-joke thing.
ROSS: And why put us in the thing? Why not make it a straightforward
Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic?
AMP: Huh?
SPATCH: Cause MST3K would never do what we're about to face.
ROSS: And how do you know what we're about to face?
SPATCH: Hush, boy, you'll upset the laws of Time and Space. We gots
Comershul Sign. Now guess what's up MY nose.
com to AOL
thats amerika on lin
you get bisks for a O L
and bisks is sucks
try today
here cum the dinosurs
AMP: No fair, you ALWAYS got boogers up your nose!
SPATCH: What can I say?
ROSS: I'd rather you not tell us.
SPATCH: Uh oh, look out, Matt Bruce and Zoogz Rift are calling.
DR. W: Oh, hello, boobie! Your experiment today is culled from
alt.sex.stories, of all places.
SPATCH: Eew, Dr. Wilkinson, you mean to say that you read that newsgroup?
DR. W: Was not! It was Jason cruising around with Netcom.
JASON: Was not!
DR. W: Was too!
JASON: Was not!
DR. W: Was too!
ROSS: I have a feeling this is going to go on for a while.
[ three hours later ]
DR. W: Was not!
JASON: Was too!
DR. W: Was not!
JASON: Was too!
DR. W: Was not infinity - hey, how'd we switch in the argument?
JASON: Three hours can play with your mind.
DR. W: We better make sure our test subjects haven't died or anything.
Wake up, you guys!
AMP: Wha?
ROSS: Augh!
SPATCH: We're up! Really?
DR. W: Well you won't be for long because I'm sending you a real mood-ruiner
of a story.
JASON: Well, if spelling errors and grammatical inconsistencies turn you on,
you'll be spooging in no time!
DR. W: Jason! Stop that talk! Nobody gets off on that.
JASON: Not even Rue McLanahan?
DR. W: That's it, this dialogue is really beginning to suck. Send them
the story, Jason.
JASON: Was not!
DR. W: Don't start that again, Don Was! Argh! Why is Spatch's dialogue
so rotten? [ sends the story ]
ALL ON THE S'OL: Oh no, we got story sign!!! (run away run away run away)
>Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
>From: 5010.5540@trader.com (michael d crays)
ROSS: Hey, I wonder if that's one of Dr. Wilkinson's clones.
SPATCH: Actually, it's just a real stupid Rush fan.
>Subject: JUNIOR HIGH GIRLS (TEEN M/F F/F ADULT M/TEEN F) PART 1
SPATCH: Hey, cool, I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
AMP: I wonder what this story's going to be about.
ROSS: With our luck, probably geriatric sex and the title's supposed to
be ironic.
>Message-ID: <6147cc$f1213.2b6@TCNNTP.trader.com>
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 20:18:19 GMT
ROSS: A day that will live in infamy...
AMP: Not really.
>Reply-To: 5010.5540@trader.com (michael d crays)
SPATCH: I saw a Michael Cray posting lame stories from Trader.Com. His hair
was perfect.
>Organization: Traders' Connection, Inc.
ROSS: Do you like trading? Do you just trade? Then come to the trader's
connection. It doesn't matter what you trade.
AMP: I'll trade you two deadbolt locks for one Miles O' Brien Star Trek
Action Figure.
SPATCH: I'll trade you a jar of spit for tickets to a Three Dog Night
concert.
>Lines: 105
AMP: Wow, a lotta sex for such a little story.
ROSS: Oh, right.
SPATCH: That's how many lines you must do before this stuff makes sense.
>
>WARNING THIS STORY CONTAINS ACTS OF SEX
ROSS: Only acts? You mean they're faking it?!
> BETWEEN MINORS AND ADULTS
AMP: "Sex And Violence Down The Mines."
> IF THIS
>SORT OF ATERIAL OFFENDS YOU THEN PLEASE STOP READING NOW!!!!
SPATCH: All aterial offends me. It's the material I have no problem with.
>.
>(this is my first attept at writing a story
ROSS: Oh boy.
AMP: What's an attept?
> let me know what you think)
SPATCH: Well, gee, we haven't gotten very far in it yet to give you
our opinions, have we?
ROSS: Well, so far he's misspelt two words and forgotten quite a few
punctuation marks, so it's safe to say we can give our review
in advance: IT STINKS!
> PART 1
AMP: Ooh, it's an Illuminadoofus Trilogy.
>.
>It was my first day of 7th grade..
ROSS: And the writing level shows it.
> me eric roberts staring
SPATCH: Hey, cool, Michael Crays got some big-name talent for this story!
ROSS: I wonder if he'll bring his chair.
> junior high i
>could not wait!
AMP: Maybe this was written in a sort of stream-of-consciousness mode.
SPATCH: Babble on, my robot friend.
>As i got on the bus i looked around and saw..
ROSS: Dead, bloated corpses in every seat!
SPATCH: I hate it when that happens, corpses never let you sit with them.
> some girls i knew from
>elementary school..
AMP: Oh geez, this is sick, I'm not going to read this.
> but wow had they changed over the summer!!..
SPATCH: They had all shaved their heads and were banging tambourines in
unison!
> last year
>all i cared about was..
ROSS: How they crammed all that graham into Golden Grahams.
> basketball and music..
AMP: And bacon.
SPATCH: Hey, you're learning.
> but now..my mind was on
ROSS: The sweet, crispy taste of Kellogg's Corn Pops!
> these
>sexy girls in
SPATCH: Their flying machines.
> there cheerleading outfits and there
AMP: Seemed to be a general lack of common sense coming from Michael Crays.
> short shorts!
ROSS: Who likes short shorts?
AMP & SPATCH: WE LIKE SHORT SHORTS!
>.
AMP: Fart period type *pbbblth*!
ROSS: Huh?
>towards the back of the bus sat the
ROSS: Minorities.
SPATCH: Now that's just wrong, Ross.
> 9th graders..and these girls were hot!
AMP: Sure, if yer a PAEDOPHILE!
ROSS: Hey, if you're a 7th grader and you have sexy thoughts about a 9th
grader, does that mean you're a paedophile too, or is the 9th grader
the paedophile if she or he thinks you as a 7th grader are sexy?
SPATCH: I think the solution to this is lithium in chewable tablets.
>one girl in particuler caught my attention..
ROSS: One look at her and I forgot how to spell!
> carrie a cute 9th grade
>cheerleader..
SPATCH: Carrie, a cute 9th grade cheerleader is here, gyrating wildly.
ROSS: Oh no, not MUD references!
> i used to spy in her window over the summer watching her
>undress..
AMP: Until she found out and called the cops...
> i would usually jack my-self off into a frenzy...
SPATCH: Until her father came out with the shotgun and blew my nads off...
ROSS: Man, Michael's liberal use of ellipses really make the story easy
to riff on, don't they?
> but today i
>said.."fuck it i am gonna talk to her..who cares if she is a freshman and
>i am only a 7th grader?"
ROSS: Oh, he decided to talk to her, as opposed to jacking him-self off into
a frenzy right there on the bus?
AMP: Hey! NO JACKING OFF ON MY BUS! YOU'RE WALKING THE REST OF THE WAY
HOME, MISTER!
>.
SPATCH: The lone period here is actually a subtle metaphor into ...
well, something or other. I think.
>I walked to the back of the bus and started to sit down next to her..
AMP: And then jacked off into a frenzy.
> but
>some big 9th grader said
ROSS: "big" 9th grader? Is this Michael Crays REALLY out of junior high yet?
> "hey you 7th grade punk..the little kids sit at
>the front of the bus!"
SPATCH: "Welcome To The Whorehouse."
>"leave him alone said carrie"..
AMP: Uh oh! Duck, everybody, there's gonna be CARNAGE EVERYWHERE in a
minute!
> "i bet he will be cute when he grows up"
SPATCH: Oh, right, like you're already grown up. Shee.
>i looked at her..her blond hair flowing down her neck..
ROSS: Mingling nicely with the blood...
> and her short
>cheerleading skirt..
AMP: I thought she was wearing short shorts.
ROSS: Who likes short shorts?
AMP & SPATCH: WE LIKE SHORT SHORTS!
> showing just enough of her smooth legs and tight
>ass..
SPATCH: Note to author: One cannot see your ass if you are sitting down.
Simple laws of physics, really.
ROSS: Are you having trouble visualizing this?
SPATCH: I'm having trouble visualizing ANYTHING at the moment, so many
braincells are dying here.
> to give me a massive hard-on..
>i walked to the front of the bus ..
AMP: Uh oh, he's got boner shame!!
> "hey eric sit here" called a girl..
ROSS: Now why didn't she call when Eric got on the bus in the first place?
SPATCH: Because she had to wait until he got a massive hard-on.
AMP: A lot's been going on since the bus stopped, hasn't it?
> it
>was jamie who
SPATCH: Had got a gun.
ROSS: I thought that was Janie.
> had been in my class last year..but she looked hot now!
AMP: Eric didn't get out much during the summer.
ROSS: Michael Crays doesn't get out much at all.
> she
>was wearing short shorts
ROSS: Who likes short shorts?
AMP & SPATCH: YER MOM LIKES SHORT SHORTS!
> and a tight top that showed her bellybutton
SPATCH: Madonna, the early years.
>.
ROSS: Your Honor, I offer this period as proof of the pointlessness of
this story.
>"oh well i thought"
AMP: "No masturbation for me today on the bus."
> i sat down...we taled all the way to school
ROSS: That wins for dullest sex description I've ever read.
SPATCH: No, I think he meant "talked".
>and when the bus finally arrived i got out..
SPATCH: Well, duh.
> i could not believe my eyes!
ROSS: Hooligans had TP'd the entire school!
AMP: Score, dude!
>i had neer seen so many girls..
SPATCH: Eric, now 24, works at a comic store and is a SCA member in his spare
time.
ROSS: Ouch, Spatch, that was real low.
> i knew i was gonna be hard all fuckin day
>.
AMP: I take that back, I don't think he knows what boner shame is.
>we got to homeroom and i sat down the teacher was going through the
>usually talk...
SPATCH: "No oral sex in the classroom, you must get a pass before making
one..."
> but ummm carrie the 9th grade cheerleader was sitting in
>front of me..
ROSS: Wouldn't that be carrie the 9th grade cheerleader ?
AMP: Sure, if yer a PAEDOPHILE!
> god was i hard!
SPATCH: Three inches and as thick as a crayon!
> as i sat there just thinking about all the
>ways i could fuck her...
ROSS (singing): There are many ways that you could fuck her...
SPATCH: Oh, sure, just desecrate Mr. Rogers here.
> i actually started to move my hand down my
>pants..right there in class!...
AMP: Now this is getting ridiculous, every seventh grade boy has boner shame,
I mean, most grown-up men do, too.
ROSS: You're expecting a deep psychological undercurrent in this story
or something, Amp?
> i was looking at carries legs..and touching
>my self in the middle of class...
SPATCH: And humming DiVinyls songs...
> i was so afraid i was gonna cum right
>there!
ROSS: SO STOP PLAYING WITH YERSELF ALREADY! Sheesh!
>all of a sudden i heard the teacher sya "eric is there a problem?"
AMP: "If you cum you better have enough to share with the entire class!"
>i was so embarassed...i guess i started to moan a litle
ROSS: What's a litle?
SPATCH: Something you moan, apparently.
> and she heard me
>"are you sick eric?"...
AMP: Quite.
> "no" i said trying to play it off
SPATCH: Real dedicated to his tasks, that Eric.
> "i a just tired"
ROSS: No, you say that AFTER you finish masturbating.
>.
>well we were in home room untill lunch..
AMP: Not a very productive school day, is it?
SPATCH: That's the American educational system for you, Amp.
AMP: Oh.
> when i heard the lunchbell ring..i
ROSS: Salivated like the experimental dog I was!
>RAN as fast as i could towards the bathroo..
AMP: Hey, he's in Australia, not America.
SPATCH: Guess I can't bash his school then.
> if i did not cum soon i would
>explode!
SPATCH: Cool!
ROSS: I wanna see him explode!
>i got to the bathroom and it was full of people..
AMP: Everybody wants to jack off, don't they?
ROSS: It's Horndog High School.
> so i ran down the
>hall..trying to find a private place to jack off...
SPATCH: Maybe he can get one of those "big" 9th graders to stuff him in
a locker.
>i ran into the locker room..thank god it was empty!..
ROSS: What, no lockers or gym equipment or anything?
> i pulled out my cock
>and started jacking off right there..thinking about carrie "mmm carrie
>yeah baby suck me hard" i said out loud as i jerked off "you know you love
>it..suck my cock baby"
AMP: Wow, he's got such a command of the Language of Love already.
SPATCH: Well, you know, they learn about it on the Internet and stuff.
>.
>all of a sudden i heard a giggle behind me i turned around..it was carrie!
ALL: NO WAY! GET OUTTA HERE!
ROSS: Now who'd have thought THAT would happen?
>she looked so hot in her cheerleading out-fit..
AMP: Yes, yes, we know, you've told us already.
SPATCH: I think the cheerleading outfit is the motivation of the whole story.
> "ummm i said i was
>just..uhh"
ROSS: Role playing! Yeah, that's it!
>"you were jerking off" said carrie..
SPATCH: Wow, she's a real master of the obvious.
AMP: She's a 9th grader!
> "don't you think i noticed you jerking
>off outside my window all summer?"
ROSS: That's only why she was playing "Come To My Window" continuously.
>"i uhh"..she moved near me "don't be embarassed" "i think it's cute a
>little kid like you wants me"
AMP: Sure, if yer a PAEDOPHILE!
ROSS: We get the point, Amp.
>.
>"i did not know what to say.."say eric would you like it if i showed you
>my tits while you jerk off?"..
ALL: Eric would you like it if I showed you my tits while you jerk off.
> man i could not believe it!
SPATCH: Wow! No classes until lunchtime and now I get to see boobs!
What a school day!
> "umm sure i
>guess"
ROSS: Wimp!
>.carrie pulled off her cheerleading sweater..and took off her bra..ohh
>jesus she had the perfect 9th grade tits..
SPATCH: I bet Jesus would smack you if you said that to his face.
> not to big not to small
AMP: Now there's a real exact and accurate description.
ROSS: Why, they're nothing like Jennifer Connelly !
>i started to jerk off again..
SPATCH: STOP IT NOW BEFORE YOU CHAFE, ERIC!!!
>now while i did this i noticed carrie was slowly starting to move her hand
>under her skirt.."ummm eric i am getting hot..you are making me very horny
>baby"
AMP: You know, I'm so glad this story bucks all conventional alt.sex.stories
cliches and does something original for a change.
>.
>now what happend next i will never forget...
ROSS: In came the fat football coach and THE ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM!
> carrie started to rub her ass
SPATCH: Gotta watch them mosquitoes in the locker room.
>against my cock "ohh eric damn i want you to fuck me oooooh god!"
>she got down on her knees and took my cock into her mouth..
AMP: She's hyperactive for a 9th grade sexpot.
> licking my
>shaft up and down.....
ROSS: Richard Roundtree?
> then pumping my didck
SPATCH: I love Polish euphemisms.
> into her mouth.."ohh god
>carrie honey i..i..am gonna cum"..
AMP: Well, that's what usually happens when sexual organs are excited to
the point of orgasm.
SPATCH: Amp, I've seen wallpaper that was more exciting than this.
> "wait" she said dont waste your cum in
>my mouth..
ROSS: I bet they're about to have sex or something.
> why don't you fuck me right her right now?.
AMP: Yes, fuck her right here right now, watching the world wake up
from history!
>she turned around and bent over.."fuck me like a dog eric"..
SPATCH: Only if you squeal like a pig, Carrie!
> "please fuck
>me like a dog".
ROSS: Additional dialogue provided by Trent Reznor.
>i grabbed her waist and stuck my hard cock inside her
AMP: Sure, let's not waste time by using any descriptive verbs or adjectives.
>"ooohhh eric!! that feels sooo good"...
SPATCH: "But that's my bellybutton!"
> i started pumping my cock into
>her..
ROSS: First it was stuck, now it was pumping. Are those good enough verbs
for you, Amp?
> the sound was echoing through the empty locker room
>"uhh eric ohhh ohhh god!! fuck me baby fuck me hard"..
AMP: Wow, it's in Dolby stereo surround sound!
> god she was
>good..this was my first fuck
SPATCH: So what does he have to compare it to?
ROSS: His fist?
> and it was welll worth the wait
AMP: What wait?! He's in SEVENTH GRADE!!
>"ohh eric you are soo good i am gonna tell all my friends about you
ROSS: "And I'm gonna tell them you're gay!"
>oooohhh shit!"
SPATCH: Wonderful, now it's a scat story.
>i could tell she was about to cum.."ooooohhh eric..eric..ohhhh shit babay
>i am gonna cum so hard...
AMP: It's hard for him to tell she's about to cum when she keeps hiding
these feelings from him like this.
> fuuuuuck! uuuuuuuh! ooooooooh! goooood! FUUUCCCKK
>MEEEEE!!!"
SPATCH: This is, without a doubt, the most anticlimactic description of
a female orgasm I have ever read.
AMP: Oh, so you've read a lot, eh?
ROSS: Spatch, do you really think Michael Crays is in a position to write
from experience?!
> she came and she came hard ..then i started to cum
ROSS: Oh, yeah, riiight. Simultaneous orgasm. Uh huh.
> "oh carrie
>you slut..
AMP: Hooray for the double standard!!
> i knew you wanted it!..
SPATCH: "And not because you kept saying 'fuck me like a dog'!"
> her i cum baby..uhhhhhhgg
>gghh"
ROSS: So, is this the most anticlimactic description of a male orgasm you've
ever seen, Spatch?
SPATCH: No, but it sure is the most Neanderthal.
> i came hard inside her tight pussy...
ROSS: No way.
>"oh eric you are a great fuck baby..
SPATCH: "Baby" is right, he's only in 7th grade!
AMP: "Baby" is right, they forgot the condoms!
> how bout you come over to my house
>tonight and meet the girls on the cheerleading squad?"
ROSS: "We'll have ice cream, and play Monopoly and stuff, it'll be swell!"
>.
>"baby" i said
SPATCH: That's just the way it is, baby.
> "i wouldn't miss it for the world"
AMP: Listen to him, the little bragodocio.
ROSS: Can you really use "bragodocio" as a noun in that context?
AMP: Uh, sure.
>END PART 1
>stay tuned for part 2
SPATCH: Nine months later...
ROSS: In next week's episode the part of Eric Roberts will be played by Hugh
Grant.
>
>---
> * Traders' Connection Web BBS * http://www.trader.com * info@trader.com
AMP: Hey, baby, you show me your URL and I'll show you mine.
SPATCH: Stop that! That's disgusting.
ROSS: Come on, let's get out of here. (they leave)
---
[ SPATCH has a tattered copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and has it open to
a choice part ]
SPATCH: So, you see, guys, female orgasm is almost impossible to achieve
without direct clitoral stimulation. Notice how in the story Michael
Crays never once mentions Carrie a cute 9th grade cheerleader's
clitoris, yet she comes during plain intercourse, something which
doesn't always happen!
AMP: Really?
SPATCH: Also note that Carrie a cute 9th grade cheerleader and Eric Roberts
achieve orgasm almost simultaneously during intercourse. This too
usually never happens and even if it does, it's due to sheer willpower
and practice!
ROSS: Are you making this up?
SPATCH: So it is the findings of this court that Michael Crays, due to the
proven lack of sexual knowledge, has probably never had sex in his
life, probably also failed Health and English class, and, furthermore,
wouldn't know a clitoris if it jumped up and bit him on the nose!
AMP: Can it really do that?
SPATCH: It's just a figure of speech.
AMP: Phew! You had me scared for a moment!
ROSS: So why write such a insipid piece of tripe?
SPATCH: Because it's his fantasy, Ross. A lot of fantasies written by
horny young men these days involve chance encounters between two people
and then they have sex or something and always come at the same time
and it's always very good and given enough time two girls will also
have sex with each other in the same story for no reason.
ROSS: So that's why the story header included promises of female/female
sex!
SPATCH: Exactly, Ross, Michael is indulging in a little wishful thinking.
AMP: Can I indulge in a little wishful thinking myself and hope that Michael
Crays meets an untimely demise at the jaws of a rabid pit bull
terrier owned by the girl whose window he's jacking off under?
SPATCH: Why, certainly, Amp, everyone's entitled to their own fantasy.
AMP: Yay!
SPATCH: What do you think, sirs?
JASON: Did not!
DR. W: Did too!
JASON: Did not!
DR. W: Did to - Oh, hi, Spatch. We're just arguing over who forgot
about what we were arguing about last time. Pay no attention
to us. Until next time, you philatelist, you...
[ poof ]
(JASON: Did not! DR. W: Oh, shut up.)
(closing credits, standard disclaimed, MST3K is property of Best Brains, Inc,
yadda yadda yadda, they had nothing to do with this or anything else I do,
and that's prolly for the better, blah blah woof woof)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Crays:
>"are you sick eric?"..."no" i said trying to play it off "i a just tired"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
hi, I'm tv's Spatch, and this is my spleen: http://www.javanet.com/~spatula
MSTie #43790, TDC DoMPD, a.a-s TP Bus Driver Squad, prolly sumpin else too.
"I don't trust this kid any farther than I can throw him."
"Well, with your bad knee, Ed, you shouldn't be throwing anybody.