The Adult Page
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The Adult Page |
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Contents |
12 Days of Christmas |
T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Empty bottles and cans
Thrown about by some louse
My best bottle I'd hidden
Near the chimney with care
Had been found by some drunk
Who drank it right there?
All our buddies and pals
Had been poured in their beds
To awake the next morning
With hung-over heads
My lips dry as hell
Up and down they did flap
I thought It'd be swell
To have one more night cap
And then from the roof
I heard such a yell
We all sprang to our feet
To see what had befell
And what with my bloodshot eyes
Did I see But eight staggering reindeer
Caught up in a tree
Way up in the branches
Was a man in a sleigh I knew it was
Santa Quite fat and quite gay
Nearer and nearer
Those eight reindeer came While old
Santa hiccuped And called them by name
On Whiskey! On Bourbon!
We ain't got all night
You too Gin and Vodka Let's all do it right!
Jump up on the roof
Get the hell out this tree
Start moving you rummies
I'll help you get free
So up on the roof
Went the reindeer and sleigh
But a tree branch hit Santa
Oh, how his body did sway!
And then to my ears
Like the roll of a barrel
A shrill of a noise Like no Christmas Carol
So I lifted my head
And sharpened my ear
Down the chimney he plunged
Landing smack on his rear
His suit was all red
With white fur for a trim
The way that he staggered
He was tanked up to the brim
Although he was tight
And tried to stand right
He didn't fool me He was high as a kite
He spoke not a word
And got straight to his job
But he missed half the stockings
That plastered old slob
Then thumbing his hand
To the tip of his nose
He wiggled his fingers
As he quoted some prose
He jumped for his sleigh
At so hasty a pace
That he tripped on a roof tile
And fell flat on his face
And I heard him belch back
As he passed out of sight
MERRY CHRISTMAS you lushes
Now really get tight!
Holidays
Teacher: Why did you bring that Christmas plant to school?
Student: Don't worry. It's just for the holly-days.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,''
smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
Elf : Santa, please slow down. I get scared when you go
around those corners too fast!Santa: So do I. You should do what I do.
Elf : What's that?
Santa: Close your eyes!
Did you know that there is a Christmas carol about a mute
Crusader? Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Silent Knight"?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird droppings all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those damn birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me.
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And Christ - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours.
From Ag
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December 23rd
You Sad Person:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been messing with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep. My living room is a river of dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
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December 24th
Listen to me you:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death! I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law
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'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck..
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole, were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
People had started to call for the cops, when they heard sled noises coming from their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation!!
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and now so was his wife, who suddenly said she had enough of this life,
She joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim.
Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, he tried to he gay, but you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or
the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, from every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere ... even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
