Did you hear about the Irishman who sold his TV to
buy a video player?
Three Irishmen were walking down the road one day.
Suddenly they were attacked by Oliver Cromwell's soldiers. The three
of them managed to escape and climbed up a tree. The soldiers suspected
that they were up on the tree and yelled, "Who's up there?" The first
Irishman replied, "Cheep,cheep",like a bird and the second man said
"Hoot,hoot",like an owl and the third man said "Mooooo".
"How many Orangemen does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"'Orangemen' 'lightbulbs': no one 's changing anything around here".
"A Martian space ship comes down on the Garvaghy
Road, and the Martian gets out to take a look around. He is approaches
by a member of the residents committee, who asks who he is. "I'm a
Martian" he replies. "Well," says the member of the residents committee,
"let me tell you NO ONE 'S GOING TO DO ANY MARCHING AROUND HERE."
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".
Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".
What do you call an orangeman on the moon?......A Problem
What do you call two orangemen on the moon?.....A Big Problem
What do you call 1 million orangemen on the moon?.....Problem Solved
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up . Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. " "Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?"
"No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!