ON DOLLYMOUNT BEACH

I always liked him. As long as he kept his distance everything was OK. but recently I tense -up if he accosts me.

"I am on the point of inventing a Motorbike that runs on soup," he announced excitedly, the last time we met.
"G'way," I gasped, my mind scrambling to get a grip on the idea. "Any particular flavour,"?
He looked about furtively and stepped closer.
"I had to tell someone," he announced with round eyes staring into mine."I hope you can keep the secret until I break the news to the world."
He stepped even closer and I realised the main ingredient of the fuel he had invented was garlic. I hate the stuff with a passion and stepped quickly backwards.
"Sure, sure. Your secret is safe with me," I reassured him as I moved even further back and drew in a lung full of clean sea air.
We stood on Dollymount Beach and the sun was shining. The tide was halfway in, or halfway out, I'm not sure which.
"I had better move my car back a bit in case the tide is on the way in," I informed him as an excuse to move away from the mist of foul Garlic.
However, even as I removed the car keys from my pocket, he grabbed my arm and halted any movement towards the vehicle. A grin had spread across his face and he reached inside his long leather overcoat. Casting about quickly, to make sure no-one was paying undue attention, he withdrew a gun-like contraption.
"That's the Memory erasure contraption you invented last
year," I commented nervously and stepped back, pretending
I didn't mind standing in the water up to my ankles.
"Why yes, it is. I have however,made modifications," he explained with some pride in his voice. Having twisted a knob or two, he pointed the thing at my car and said,"Watch this for a good stroke."
I heard a strange crackling noise and everything went dark for a moment. On rubbing my eyes everything returned to normal. Everything that is, except my car. It was now parked a hundred yards away close to the sand-dunes and furthermore, it faced towards the dune and not towards the sea as it had a moment ago.
He seemed pleased with the stunned expression on my face and grinned broadly as he stowed the gadget away again under his long coat.
"Come on," he said, leading the way."Let's go up and sit in the warm sand beside your car. Your shoes are soaking wet."
I squelched along behind him and removed my wringing wet
shoes and socks the moment we sat down.
"You were always a 'quare hawk' Bren," I remarked as I squeezed the water from one of the socks and tried to keep my fondness for him out of my voice.
"I suppose I was," he agreed absentmindedly. Two pretty young women nearby had drawn his attention.
"I often remember the old days when we were growing up together," I said, wringing out the second sock."You were a right bastard for playing tricks on people."
He chuckled his reply without taking his eyes off the two sunbathers near-by.
Standing up, I went to the car and put my shoes and socks on the hot roof to dry. I offered him a cigarette when I sat down beside him again.
"Hold on. We'll have one in a minute," he said in a stage-whisper, his eyes still glued to the two women.
"You were always sex mad. When the rest of our gang played Cowboys and Indians, you wanted to play Doctors with one of the girls," I remarked in mock despair.
"Do you see the one with the big Boobs?," he turned to me and grinned. "Well she's mine. You can have the one with the boyish chest." He gave me a playful punch.
"Don't drag me into one of your escapades yeah bastard. I'm a well married man and too old for this sort of thing."
"Old!" he raised his eyebrows. "You're only in your early fifties like myself." He looked at me sideways, a laugh in his eye. "Do you never get a bit on the side?," he asked and nudged me with his elbow.
I must have blushed alright, but only with annoyance.
"Now listen here ol' skin," my voice held no antagonism but sounded firm. "My Ann is woman enough for me so it never enters my head to play about, OK!"
He gave me an irritating smile and turned back to watch the women.
"I think we'll run a test," he said over his shoulder as he rummaged in his coat and produced the gun gimmick again. Casually he pointed it at the two sunbathers and pulled the trigger. There was no bang or anything like that. Nothing seemed to have happened but he put the gun
away and stood up.
I tensed as he hoofed his way towards them through the hot soft sand. Neither woman seemed to notice his approach.
The boyish girl still lay prone, with her eyes looking up at the sun through her sun-glasses. The other was sitting up, leaning back on her arms and gazing out to sea.
Bren stood in front of the sitting girl and reaching forward, put his hand under one of her breasts and bounced it. I watched in stunned amazement as he then giggled the second one. He looked back at me and smiled.
I tried to object but part of me refused to allow my voice to work.
Deftly he removed the top of her bathing suit and her breasts fell free. We were as frozen as she was for a moment. Breaking the spell, he rummaged about for the sun-tan oil.
"Can't have these two beauties getting sunburn," he
shouted across to me as he rubbed in the oil. I stuttered some garbled reply.
Satisfied with his work, he hurried back to me, rubbing his oily hands down the sides of his leather coat as he came.
"I'll have that cigarette now," he said as he sat down beside me, a big grin on his face.
Attempting to show annoyance, I scowled as I handed over the ciggy and lit it for him. However I could not take my eyes off the girls and he laughed at me.
"It's only a joke," he gave me a playful push."I wouldn't do any harm."
"You would soon object to a stranger using that Gun Thing
on you, and oiling your little parts I'm sure," I couldn't help laughing at the thought, which took the sting out of my voice.
He stealthily 'Ping'd' his gun again at the girls and they returned to normal.
We stared across at them and Bren had the brass neck to wave and shout hello. The bare breasted one lifted an arm and waved back, discovering as she did, that she was naked to the waist.
I need never have felt embarrassment as the two girls were a little on the brazen side and went into fits of laughter. The big bosomed one waved her oily appendages at us boastfully and howled with delight.
"I think they're ready to be plucked. What do you think?," he asked me without looking around. He was too busy blowing kisses.

"I must confess I've enjoyed things so-far but I'm not going to pluck any fruit in this garden," I replied, and stood up. "I'm going to see if my shoes and socks are dry and head off."
I recalled at that moment how venomous he could be when crossed.
"It was very good of you to organise this entertainment for me I must say. You're a great man Bren."
At these words his look of hatred turned to one of pleasure and I heaved an inward sigh of relief.
He calmly took out his Gun gimmick and put the girls back into suspension.
"I'll get back to them in a minute," he said casually as we walked over to the car.
My shoes and socks were dry enough to wear so I sat sideways on the seat with the car door open and we chatted as I restored my footwear. I remember well the strange picture the two girls made as I glanced past Bren
now and then as we talked. Smiles were fixed on their faces and the big girl offered her breasts in our direction.
"I had you fooled about moving the car with my Zapper Gun," he laughed as I tied my laces. "Go on. Admit it."
"Yeah. I suppose you did but I copped on as soon as I found the keys were not in my hand anymore. If you were really intent on tricking me you would have taken them out of the ignition and left them back in my hand."
"If I were really intent on tricking you, you'd never
know it me bucko," he guffawed.
"Fair enough ol' skin," I agreed as I stood up and offered him my hand. "I have to be off, and I've got to say that it's been great running into you like this."
"We have some unfinished business over there," he jerked his thumb in the direction of the two beauties.
"I think you're man enough for that yourself," I grinned as I got behind the wheel and shut the door. "I don't like mine anyway. She's too skinny." He fell around laughing at this remark, for some reason.
"Now stand well back,"I said as I turned the key in the Dash and threw a few switches under my seat."It's my turn to show-off."
He stepped back a pace, a gleam of interest in his eye.
"A little further please if you don't want sand in your eyes."
He wagged his finger at me and looked cunning.
"It's the thing we talked about years ago. The car that changes colour at the flick of a switch." He gave a little jig of delight and stood back to watch the side of the car.
Well, I had incorporated that facility. I pressed the appropriate button and the car slowly changed from brown to white.
He was impressed. Having walked around the car several times, he stuck his hand in the window and shook my hand.
Before he could ask questions, I gave him more to think about.
"Now, stand well back this time Bren. I have a good one to show you next." As he did so, I started the pulse engine and set the Lift switch at four feet. She rose swiftly but softly and I swivelled the car around to face the sea. I was ready for a quick get-away as he was not to be trusted with that Zap-Gun of his. If he collected his wits in time, he would zap me and discover the secrets of my car at his leisure.
"See you soon," I shouted as I sped out across the water at the four foot level. At a distance the car would appear to be a speedboat and no one would get excited.
I grinned as I looked in my mirror. Bren still stood there, gobsmacked.
I had better find a defence against that Zap-Gun before we meet again.

CHAPTER 2

I never did find a defence against his bloody gun as I had other projects of my own to think about. However, a year or so later, his contraption became big news on Television and in the newspapers. It seems that as soon as he attempted to take out a patent on the thing, the word slipped out and wouldn't you know it, the Military wanted the poor fellows invention. He had a very hairy time dodging them. Spy after spy were found like frozen fish all about Dublin as Brendan defended his invention. His sense of humour was evident to all as top
Army men were found posing in the nude outside Government buildings and other prominent public places.He must have increased the power of his weapon, as it took a week or so for the effects to wear off. In fact, the Mater Hospital had a special ward to house the dozen or so statue like figures in their care.
The Medical fraternity were every bit as quick as the Military to see the possibilities in Brendans strange contraption and connived to get their hands on it.
Secret experiments were carried out on a few of the unfortunate victims in their care. It is whispered that they even transplanted the brain of one Army man to another with no ill effects. In fact there was no visible change in either one, mentally or otherwise as all Military types think alike anyway.
Surgeons found that they could leave their patients on the table and have lunch breaks with impunity, leaving only a nurse to swat the flies.
In the end, Brendan donated his invention to the nation and quietly disappeared into the woodwork, leaving the law-makers to figure out ways of controlling the thing. I suspect he did well out of the whole affair as he had the cash to build himself, what amounts to a fortified castle in the mountains.

My own project at this time was 'Noise Abatement'. Living in the city as I did, I found that noise pollution was nothing short of horrendous and encroached so much on my life that my health was suffering.
I took particular exception to car Alarms as the streets about my home are always packed with vehicles of one kind or other. Their piercing screams for attention are ignored by their owners, some of whom are dense, and all of whom are irresponsible.
Property Alarms come a close second on my annoyance list.
These infernal contraptions may clamor for days and nights without being deactivated. Absentee landlords and Property Developers being the offenders in this case.
Others honk horns or play loud music in the dead of night.
Not much further down my list are the Churches. They have the Right, by tradition, to startle the community at any hour of the day or night with a fanatical burst of bell ringing. A lone monk or nun, may take it upon themselves to jolt the toilworn and the ill, upright in their beds at four in the morning.
One scraggy little Nun, who considers herself to be the wife of God, no less, may send some poor soul into oblivion with a curse on their lips and a Bell that rings forever in their ears.
There are many other aggravating sounds we inflict on one-another. Dogs barking, and or whining, have driven
the strongest around the twist.Nice little old dears have been known to apply for an Arms Certificate after prolonged exposure to dog whining.
Anyway, this was the state of affairs, not six months ago, when I decided to bend my mind to the Noise Pollution problem. All thoughts of my friend Brendan and his Inventions fled my mind as I concentrated on my own project.
Already, people are taking my 'Sound Damper' for granted. Earth shaking 'Pop'concerts may now be held within a 'Damper Dome' without disturbing anyone. A person may doze in their Deck-chair, not a hundred yards away from a Football stadium while the Fans roar and not hear a thing.
Like most Inventions, the original idea, the requirement, is the important thing. The rest is only an engineering problem which may be solved by any half-baked engineer with the help of his mother.
I have Patented and'sold on' the products resulting from my idea, with the exception of one or two little items for my personal use.
For example, I have a gadget, rather like a hand torch in appearance, which can locate and range-in on any given sound, from a pair of lovers whispering sweet nothings to a loud playing radio, or the squeak of a mouse. With this useful tool, I may amplify or reduce to nothing any given sound. Dogs may attempt to bark all night but to no avail. The same goes for snoring wifes and husbands. Louts who like to torture their neighbours with loud music late at night may be silenced at the touch of a button.
There are countless uses for my Invention as doubtless, you may imagine for yourself. There is however, one horrendous use to which my little torch may be put. I discovered its deadly power in almost the same spot I had last talked with my friend Brendan on Dollymount Beach.

CHAPTER 3

When the tide is out, the flat, damp sands present me with an ideal Blackboard on which to work out some of my more profound problems. With the aid of a stick, I may scratch out the most complicated calculations on my mile long sketch-pad. The tide obliges me by wiping the slate clean when I finish and sometimes before I finish. I work best under pressure however.
You may remember I refuted the 'Big Bang Theory' not so long ago.? Well, to illustrate my Quantum Maths calculations proving my Eternity Theory, I had to rent a plane and photograph Dollymount Beach from the air. My scratched equations in the wet sand showed up extremely well on the photos and were promptly flashed around the world on the Internet before some other sod could claim credit.
The air over Dollymount becomes pretty crowded with flying machines from time to time as people spy on me
while I work. Their cameras click away as I amuse myself
making totally useless calculations in the sand.
They may have begun to cop-on that I've been toying with them as I notice that fewer and fewer people are watching me these days. It must be expensive to spy on someone like me.
However, back to the occurrence that so horrorfied me.
I had walked the full length of the beach, enjoying the Sun and the wind, when a Tern rose from almost under my feet and zig zagged out over the water. For some reason it sparked a brilliant idea for improving the 'Lift'action on my car.
I cast about for a suitable stick to scratch my calculations in the wet sand near the edge of the water and spotted one being nudged towards me by the ripple of a spent wave.
Whatever way I bent to pluck the wand from the water, my trusty 'Magic Torch' flipped from my pocket and splashed into the water. Quick as a wink, I had it out again. I dried it with my Hanky, examined it carefully. It seemed alright, and I returned it to my pocket.
Moving to a smooth patch of sand I began to scratch my plans and calculations, absentmindedly saying " Good Morning" to a passing Jogger. Time wore on, and I struggled closer and closer to a solution, ignoring the cries of children and the barking of dogs. Dogs were my main source of annoyance while on the beach. Not so much
the dogs as their owners were at fault. Most owners broke the law by not keeping their animals on a lead and sneered at those they terrorised.
However, I had become stone deaf to all these irritations
as I worked and it came as a bit of a shock to me to find a snarling Alsatian in my way as I turned to reach a clean piece of sand to write on.
Saliva dripped from the great beasts jaws as it glared at me with hatred.
"He won't touch you," came the voice of the moron who owned the fierce creature. I discarded the twig in my hand as being useless.
"Come on boy. Come on Elvis," came the owners voice again. This time a little further away.
"My God," I said out loud,"No wonder the dog is angry. What kind of a Thick would call a dog 'Elvis'."?
Elvis did not like the tone of my voice and growled deep in his throat as his hackles rose even further.
It dawned on me that if I zapped him with my Magic Torch he just might find his loss of voice disconcerting enough to make him back off and perhaps run to his master.
With only a slight fumble, I whipped the Torch from my pocket and snapped the button to ON as I pointed it at the creatures head and hoped for the best. He might very well say to himself,"Piss off you idiot," and proceed to bite me.
"Call him off," I shouted, just to be on the safe side.
I got no reply. The thick owner might have moved out of earshot for all I knew. I was afraid to take my eyes off the wolf for even a second.
I longed to have Brendans Immobilizer Gun in my hand instead of my Sound Zapper. It would have solved everything.
The dog leaned slightly nearer and showed more fang. I pressed all three buttons in panic and prepared to spring back into the water and reach some depth before he tore me to shreds.
"Elvis, Elvis," called a female voice in the distance.
"You must have teased him," the voice accused.
I ignored the caller. Something was happening to the dog.
His deep growl had been silenced, so the torch worked despite the dunking it had taken. His jaw dropped and he took on the surprised look of a human. I was more surprised than he was at the next occurrence. Slowly but surely, he began to increase in size until he attained the dimensions of a standard donkey. This was not supposed to happen. I fumbled frantically with the buttons again and watched anxiously, hoping to return the animal to normality. Seconds ticked by and nothing much seemed to be happening, except the original hatred was returning to its eyes. Escape now was out of the question as this huge monster could gobble me up in a split second
if I attempted to leg-it.
"George," shouted a frantic female voice.
I had a mad vision of George attempting to put a lead on his dog at this stage. No way. He might just as well attach it to a moving train.
The original ugly snarl was returning to the monsters face when a further change began to take place. In jerky stages it began to get smaller and I felt a great sense of relief as it attained its original size. Its tail went between its legs and it looked worried again. It had a right to be worried. The transformation had not finished
yet. Down it went in spasms, until it reached your average sized book-end. At this stage it decided to have a last go at me and tore a piece from my trouser leg. I was to stunned to make any defensive move and watched in awe as Elvis savaged the cloth in rage.
At this stage I was stunned by a clout to the side of my head. The dogs master had arrived to defend his pet.
"What the friggin hell do you think you're doing to my dog,"? he screamed as he drew back the dog-leash for another go at me.
I'm afraid I went cold with rage at this stage myself. After all, from quietly doing my Maths, and minding my own business on a nice sunny beach, I was suddenly plunged into a maelstrom of violence. Things could become worse at any moment as I could hear the heavy thump of hurrying footsteps as the mans wife approached.
Like a man throwing the switch on an Electric Chair, I pointed my Torch at the dreadful pair and pressed the buttons.
"Look at my little doggy," the female screamed as she arrived at her partners elbow. "Kill him," she roared.
I raised my arm and fended off another blow from the dog-leash. The bloody Torch seemed to be letting me down. Frantically I pressed the buttons again.
This time there was an immediate response. Leaning towards me in fury, the pair held their stance as they
began to enlarge at an alarming rate. The mans arm fell to his side and he dropped the dog-lead.
With great tearing and rending, their clothes fell away as their bodies grew to gigantic proportions. The womans
Bra snapped and flew past my head into the sea. I noticed
that they sank into the sand, up to their ankles, as they gained weight. Indeed they were a horrible sight to see as they stood there like two bald King Kongs.
I was distracted at this point by another amazing occurance.
"Nice day," greeted a jogger as he sped past us on his way up the beach, as if he met two nude giants paddeling here every day. My mind boggled for a moment at this stage.
Flicking my eyes down around my feet I felt a slight twinge of remorse as I saw Elvis, now about the size of a mouse, swimming desperatly in the water lapping around my shoes. Even as I watched he became smaller and smaller until he vanished into the wet sand.
The naked couple were following the example of their dog. In fits and starts, they too were becoming smaller and smaller. As they passed their normal size, they regained
their voices momentarily. They still hurled abuse but in strange squeaky tones as if they had been breathing helium. This stage was short lived however as they quickly reduced in size until they disappeared down inside their individual bundles of clothes.
I stepped out of the incoming tide and succeeded in calming myself a little. Without much hope, I reached down and shook-out the bundles of clothes. With the humour of nervous reaction I looked into the mans torn trousers and asked,"Is there anyone in there"?.
All three had vanished.
On the way to my car, which was parked close by, I passed some people playing ball. They ignored me and continued to enjoy themselves as I drove away at a controlled pace.

I have not been on Dollymount Beach since.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

FIN 6/11/1997                           next page
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

ON DOLLYMOUNT BEACH

A HAPPY BIRTHDAY little sister.....I hope and trust that you enjoy my short story...and I hope you find nothing offensive therein...I feel sure that you will make some constructive comment later..............
 
 

Your big brother