The group meet for the first time. Jimmy Joe takes a liking to Charlene. Roddy and Damien are suspicious of each other. Reggie goes out to the garden, to his horror he sees the group have been left to mind eight sheep in their back garden. "Fran" is already making plans for first nominations, he is trying to write down votes for other people. Deggser is nervous about having to go to the toilet, "its ok" says Reggie, "we all have to do it on camera". "Its not that" replies Deggser, "I just don't know how to flush". Roddy offends Rayo, Roddy and Rayo have a fight, first nominations are coming up
First nominations take longer than expected. Jimmy Joe votes for Roddy, and Roddy. Reggie votes for Roddy, and Roddy, "Fran" votes for Roddy, and Roddy. Deggser gets confused and votes for himself, and his good mate Miko. Charlene votes for Roddy, and Donal Broughan. Damien spends four hours in the diary room, giving his views on amongst other things, the Blueshirts, post Tzarist Russia, yellow lines on the side of roads and why Rice Krispies actually don't snap crackle and pop before voting for Roddy, and Roddy. Rayo pleads his innocence in the diary room, and protests how putting him away would do no good and he had learned his lesson, before actually learning why he was in there. He voted for Reggie, and Roddy. Roddy voted for Reggie, cos hes "obviously weird and from another country" and for Charlene because shes "insane". He also proceeded to call Eamonn, " a crazy old fool", blasted the Samaritans, "crazy phone hugging freaks", and ISPCC "interfering f*ckers" before being issued with legal proceedings and leaving the diary room. Dermot votes for Roddy, and Rayo to be evicted, while Eamonn Dunphy spends a further six hours in the diary room, refusing to vote until he hears who Liam Brady would have voted for. He eventually votes for Roddy, and also, Reggie. So, Reggie and Roddy are up for eviction
Reggie and Roddy hear they are up for eviction. Roddy says, "I'll win easy" and Reggie is "too iliterate" to progress any further in the competition. Roddy suggests that Reggie should go because he is obviously missing his "dumb family". Roddy is causing outrage amongst fellow housemates. Meanwhile, Deggser finally plucks up the courage to ask Charlene her name, before ruining the moment by dribbling all over her feet.
The public vote, Reggie is evicted. Roddy is gracious in victory, and says, "its not surprising, hes a dumb git anyway". Reggie steals one of the sheep and takes him home with him. There are only four sheep left, the other three were resprayed by Madser in brown and black and smuggled out of the house to Tallaght where children used them as makeshift horses. The group make the mistake of allowing Deggser choose what goes on the weekly shopping list, they are shocked when a shipment of Pokemon cards arrives and no food. Damien stays up until 6 am, talking to Eamonn about nothing in particular, although the conversation ends with Eamo complementing Damos moustache.
Charlene is first to rise. She realises today is the birthday of one of her kids, she just can't remember which one. The sheep are acting funny since the departure of Reggie, the group decide to send Jimmy Joe out and see if he can solve the problem. Deggser is nervous about using the shower with the public watching, so he pulls the shower off the wall and tries to take it off somewhere, when he realises there are cameras everywhere, and the shower is now irreparably broken. Dermot is in a bad mood today, as someone has stolen his Milky Way. "Fran" plots with Eamonn over who to vote for in the next nominations, Eamonn pretends to listen, but in reality does not know what "Fran" is on about. Damien again stays up until 6 am, talking to no one in particular
Roddy wakes at 8 am, and finds Damien asleep on the couch. The pair get talking, and Damien tells Roddy how his experience in here has made him find God. "God" replies Roddy, "never heard of him". "I've got Kevin Hunt .... and Dave Morrison for a score from Leyton Orient". Damien decides to go and talk to Big Brother, and soon realises Big Brother is in fact Big Bernie, Bernard O'Byrne. Damien asks if Big Bernie will give the group any food, considering Deggser spent the weekly budget on Pokemon . Big Bernie says he cannot at the current time, as all money is going into building a bigger Big Brother house, although if this goes well, the group can expect some food in the next eight to ten years, when Damien says they will all have starved to death by then, Big Bernie goes quiet.
With members being evicted every four days, it is time for second nominations. Jimmy Joe votes for Roddy, and the "mad looking yok with the funny ears", when Bernie tells Jimmy he can't vote for a sheep, Jimmy says he hadn't. After one person, Roddy 1 Eamonn 1. Deggser is in next but ruins the moment by mooning at the screen. Damien votes for Roddy, and also Charlene because he fears theres another bun in the oven. Charlene votes for Eamonn cos hes too old, and Roddy, cos he called her " a moany old hag, with a face like mine after an argument with the wife". "Fran" votes for Dermot and Jimmy Joe. Roddy votes for Eamonn, cos hes "as boring as Sunday lunch with the mother in law" and Jimmy Joe cos "hes a mad country bogger, and he fancies the sheep". Dermot votes for Roddy, and Eamonn. Madser votes for Roddy, and Eamonn. Eamonn didn't bother his arse coming in to nominate, and attempts to get Matt Cooper into the house to vote for him instead are against the rules. So, with five votes each, Roddy and Eamonn are up for eviction. Roddy on hearing the news is confident saying Eamonn won't be able to last another two days here without getting his fix. Eamonn predicts he'll win
Eamonn is evicted, receiving 99% of votes. Roddy proclaims the news by saying, "I knew I'd win cos Eamonns got a face like a bowl of porridge ". Eamonn is sad upon leaving the house, as there is no one there to meet him. The group go back inside, Damien decides to go off and talk to Big Bernie. Charlene is sad as one of her children was there, she just doesn't know which one. Jimmy Joe misses his mother, and regrets bringing a suitcase full of Celtic scarves. Deggser misses his mother, his sister and his teacher, all the same person. Madser steals Roddys favourite suit, cuts off the sleeves, and sells it to Deggser as a waist coat.
Damien is finding it hard to come to terms with Eamonns eviction. "He was like the troubled cousin I never had" he said. Roddy is annoyed with having to sleep in the boys room, "that mad bogger keeps sniffing my feet". Charlene admits it can be a bit lonely in the girls room, Deggser is about to offer to stay there, but while starting off the sentence "would it be ... " he ends up by finishing saying, "would it be ok if I staoh erm, used the bathroom". Damien decides to hold a group meeting, "Fran" doesn't turn up, and says the meeting should be rearranged when he wants it to, when it suits him.
Overnight, Madser decided to shave Jimmy Joes locks off. He underestimated the depth of Jimmys locks and what lies within. Jimmy wakes up in a bed full of hair, a spud, a dead kitten and an old copy of the Examiner. Dermot, Roddy and Damo played a new game where they wrote bitchy comments about each other on pieces of paper and broadcast them to the general public. Deggser meanwhile, overdoses on cough syrup and ends the night asking one of the sheep the way to the nearest Chinese, and accused "Fran" of stealing his fake ID to get into Earth
Third nomination day. While Dermot, Damo and Roddy have handbag fights outside, Charlene is called in first. She votes for Deggser, cos shes sick of being stalked, and Damo, because she fears he is becoming insane. Madser is called in, and votes for Roddy, cos its in the blood, and Deggser, cos he wants his blood. Jimmy Joe is in next, voting for all the Dubs because they annoyed him. When asked to specify, he picked Dermot cos he speaks like a Chipmunk, and Roddy, cos hes Roddy. In next is Damien, who spends three hours asking Big Bernie why the plight facing the eircom League is similar to that faced by the people in Transvaal during the war. He then votes for Roddy because he called him " a baby" and Dermot because he had called Damo "a slag". Next in is "Fran", alas Big Bernie has pissed off to collect his Eircom Park bonus so his replacement, big Milo is present. Milo allows "Fran" vote for his chosen nominees, Roddy and Dermot, 2000 times. Roddy is in next, and votes for Dermot, because "talking to him is like watching a documentary" and also for Jimmy Joe cos "he smells like Dermots pants after I challenged him to a game of twister". Dermot votes for Damo, because hes " a slag", and Deggser, because he believes he used up this weeks shopping budget on bryllcream and Dax. Last in is Deggser, who says to Big Milo, "this is like Mastermind, you know where yousers are cooking and they time ya and theres a celembity guest". He then votes for Roddy cos he reminds him of his fourth stepfather, and Madser, because he is his fourth stepfather. So, the final score stands at Roddy, 2005 votes, Dermot, 2004 votes, Deggser on 3 and Damo and Jimmy Joe on two, with Madser on one. Charlene and "Fran" received no votes. "Fran" has yet to receive any votes for nomination. The results are announced. On hearing the news, Roddy asks Dermot if hes looking forward to going back to his day job "mixing CDs with his own voice". Dermot retorts by saying, "no, I'm off to see Darko Mavrak". Roddy goes to bed early
Big Bernie arrives back with a ferocious hangover, and in foul humour decided to replace the sheep with paroled Rovers fans, who need feeding by the hour, and also integration back into society. Dermot is evicted, receiving 74% of votes. His walk down the platform to meet presenter Charlie McGeever is marred however when one of the Rovers fans gives him a wedgie before he goes out, having already stole his glasses and his tracksuit, leaving him with only an old "Pink Floyd is muck" t-shirt to wear. In the studio, Charlie attempts to ask Dermot a question, but never actually finishes it, "well Dermot, how has it been for you, in the, house, Dermot, for you, in the house, you know, concentration, how has it been, I saw you in the Brandywell, time for ads ". Back in the house, one of the Rovers fans is refusing his food, and crying cos he misses Celtic matches. The music to blot out the noise of the crowds, is this time the choice of Damo, who sings along to "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette. "Its like a sending offfff, when you've spent six days planning a comphrensive diamond formation, with centre halves and strikers changing positions when I blow on my whistle, all orbiting around Mark Kenny, but who would have thought, it figures". Everyone falls asleep, even Big Bernie. Meanwhile, nearby, Big Bertie, Bernies rival is setting up a bigger and better Big Brother house, with 80,000 contestants which will span over nine decades , which will also include rooms for Cursai Ealaine, Questions and Answers and all other programmes on television [except Coronation Street]
Its back :
"Phew, that was the longest nights sleep I ever had" said Damo first thing in the morning. Little did he know that drama had happened over night. Or so he though. Madser, the Rovers fan had cleverly broken out of the house over night, taking his Rovers mates with him, and had also swiped all the gangs possessions. In order to confuse them, he had actually drugged them all, so much so they had in fact been sleeping for approximately five months. Not only that, but he had kidnapped Charlene and also "Fran". However later rumours confirmed that "Fran" had not actually gone with them, but just decided to break his contract and leave the show. This bizarre occurance meant only Damo, Jimmy Joe, Roddy and Deggser actually remained. The station bosses assured viewers that this was not because the show would become tedious with seven characters. Still, it was quite disturbing as the puddle of drool Deggser had picked up in five months had flooded his bed [that was his story], Jimmy Joe's hair had grown to such an extent that his face was no longer visible, Roddy had five months insults and rash comments stored up, and was trying to use them all within a 24 hour timespan, and Damo was worried because his plans to take over the world had now been delayed, very much a day of upheaval
Deggser, Jimmy Joe and Damo had all opted to sleep in the girls room, sadly vacated, over night. This was due to all the repressed rants which Roddy had stored inside him, which he was taking out on the walls in a darkened room. It was time for nominations, and the results were predictable, everyone voted for Roddy, while they each received one vote from each other. When Roddy voted for Deggser and Jimmy Joe, it was clear that it was Roddy, Deggser, and Jimmy Joe that would go to the vote. In a suprise outcome, 70% voted for Jimmy Joe. Not only this, but many left comments stating it was because their children could not sleep at night after watching him on the show, due to his dangerous locks, which had now grown out of all proportion, his constant pornographic references to Dave Barry, amongst other dangerous things
Jimmy Joe discovered that he was out, and took the news suprisingly well, blaming it on the English. On the way out, he shook hands with a family member, and due to his contact with farm animals, immediately contracted the foot and mouth disease, and the disease spread so much, that all present suddenly became carriers, and were told they had to stay within an exclusion zone. Joe Walsh stepped in and decided that in the national interest, all present should be burned and incinerated. After a protest, the Premiership fans present were spared. The rest was kind of disturbing, but those in the house didn't know what was going on at all
As the whole country was gripped in foot and mouth fever, no one really cared about Deggser, Roddy and Damo anymore. Their programmes time slot was reduced to ten minutes, as a special programme presented by Derek Davis "How to seek out people you think might have animals with foot and mouth, and burn them at the stake" was now very popular. The three could not find out what was going on in the outside world, but they could tell something was up. "We haven't heard from Charlie McGeever in ages" said Damien. Of course he hadn't, as Charlie had been incinerated with the rest of the evil foot and mouth carriers. Mick Martin of TV3 Sport had been drafted in as replacement, and his coarse Dublin manner, had made many people turn off. As they were down to three people, there was going to be a series finale, which would take place now in two days time. The show had been shortened by twelve days. "Thats great, I can get back to applying for jobs of other teams" said Roddy. "Thats brilliant, I'll be out in time to continue work on my memoirs" said Damo. "Thats brilliant, I'll be out in time for next weeks dole" said Deggser
The phone lines were now open, and people had a choice of who they wanted to win, instead of who they wanted to evict. Deggsers family still thought that they were voting for who they could evict, and as a result, Deggser, went into a surprise early lead. Back in the house, the lads were oblivious. Roddy and Damo decided to have a heart to heart. "I wish people would understand me Roddy", mused Damo. "Well maybe if you didn't talk such shite Damo" replied Roddy, bluntly. That said, Roddy wasn't gonna let the opportunity pass for a few sly digs before he left, and mature ones at that. "That Dermot Keely, hes a really bad boy" said Roddy, "when I get out, I'm gonna start writing for a website, and start in a petty girlish type slanging match that will bore the pants off everybody". Damo wondered why he'd never got a newspaper column, Deggser wondered what a newspaper was. "I thought it was a chip wrapper" he said
The final day, and the members, who had all their possessions stolen by Madser, got ready to say their goodbyes. They were each asked by Big Bernie, who was also on his last day on the job, their credit card numbers, and also, what they had learned in their time in the house. "I learned how to play chopsticks on the piano" said Deggser, which was bizarre as there was no piano in the house. "I learned that through working together, and having conversations, people can essentially cope with any situation and become better people. In the high pressure modern society, people rarely find time to talk, and find out the wide variety of thoughts and expressions which fester inside all of us, even the lowest common denominator in society such as Madser or Deggser. We did broil, and the more Caliban like amongst us did let tempers flare, but at the end of the day, like Moses and his men, going across the desert, we achieved something, as the callosity amongst us all, did not allow such things annoy". "I learned some people are complete tossers no matter where they are, and that Dermo doesn't eat red meat, hahahahah, the wimp" said Roddy. Presenter Mick Martin tried to explain the tenseness of the situation, "this is great, theres load of people here, they're all wearing clothes" he said, in his to become famous introduction. At 8:45pm, the least popular, Deggser, despite the efforts of his family, was evicted. Sadly, he forgot to walk across the disinfectant mat when walking out, and was subsequently shot by a nearby farmer. He was taken to hospital. For the last two hours, Roddy and Damo were left alone, waiting for the final verdict, and even shared a hug, which was ruined as Roddy had only done so to insert a sticker on Damos back saying "Dermot is queer". The final verdict came at 10:45pm from Mick Martin, he gave the wrong result at first, saying that Damo had won, when in fact it was Roddy, with 84% of the vote [the other 16% who voted were Bohs fans] who won the prize, which was an interview for a lower division English club job, and a regular column in the News Of The World, added to a weekend away with the TV3 weatherman. "This is what I've wanted all my life" said Roddy. Due to foot and mouth, not many watched the show, as RTE1's viewers were watching a special documentary, on how asylum seekers are 80% more likely to carry it, and therefore this was a great time to get rid of them.
Madser was never seen again, "Fran" became a lawyer, Charlene was last spotted on Popstars, Jimmy Joe RIP, Deggser returned to third class, Eamonn got a radio show on a low budget seemingly pirate station, Dermot got a column in the Sun so he could bitch about everything, Damo got lessons in subtlety, sadly they failed "I don't want to single out anyone, but our right back was shite". Reggie went to Holland for a while, and Roddy, well, he still doesn't know what he wants in life, bless his blasphemous suits
The End