FOOT AND MOUTH

FOOT AND MOUTH IS IN LOUTH, AND COURTESY OF THE GOVERNMENT WE HAVE EXCLUSIVELY RECEIVED FOR YOU ALL, THE DO'S AND DON'Ts FOR PEOPLE LIVING IN A FOOT AND MOUTH INFECTED AREA IN ORDER TO STOP THE DISEASE SPREADING AROUND IRELAND

Photo : Dundalk cow meets checkpoint outside Dundalk ......

" DON'T SHOOT LADS, I'M GOIN' TO A CONCERT, NOT A FOOTBALL MATCH"

FOOT AND MOUTH GUIDELINES

From Department Of Agriculture Special Committee

DO

Travel to work in areas where foot and mouth has not yet struck

If you are in college, you are also allowed travel to colleges with thousands of other students from around the country, who perhaps live on farms. This is perfectly legal

Go to all concerts, and cinemas outside Louth. This is a farming crisis after all ! Can't miss a bloody good Westlife concert now, can we ?

Go to the snooker in Citywest if you want, after all, our chums at the Department of Health sponsored it, so why should they lose sponsorship money over it, eh ?

Go and play for Shelbourne. Wearing a goalies jersey is hardly gonna spread foot and mouth, is it ?

DON'T

Enjoy yourself. You can travel around and mix with thousands of other people, in shopping centres etc etc, but you must not, and we stress this as it is for your country, you must not appear to be happy. A series of suggested grim looks you can carry on your face can be found by contacting your local TD, as are a list of suggested phrases you can use to reflect your disappointment

Go to football matches. It is a little known, but very true fact that while going and screaming at concerts is ok, screaming at football matches is indeed very likely to spread foot and mouth. This is after a complicated government study which shows that most football fans are obviously farmers, and most people who go to work, college and other things in heavily populated areas, obviously are not, have not, and never will be in a farming area

Leave your home without thoroughly disinfecting all of your clothes, even if you haven't been nowhere near a farm. No, we don't know why either, but its a bit of a laugh, isn't it ?

REMEMBER : This is a national effort. We must do what we can to stop people travelling to football matches and other sport related activities which may require any sort of enjoyment. This is the whole point of containing foot and mouth. People can travel from an infected area to another as long as they promise not to enjoy it. We see this as an absolutely brilliant solution. In short football fans are evil, disease spreading criminals, and we must do our best to contain these people, in the interests of our country

The Government : Complicated solutions, to uncomplicated problems