It's been a long season for the Leaguers and so to relax they're having their end of season party
PATS FAN - God there's not many here this evening
SHELS FAN - You're telling me, mind you the FAI charging £24,000 a ticket was a bit steep, did you pay Goldcard ?
PATS FAN - Eh ?, Anyway we're great
CORK FAN - I'll tell you now boy Patsy boy we won the League boy, FAI, Dubs, Mulder and Scully conspiracy boy, we win the League boy, pale conspiracy boy, voices in my head
PATS FAN - Jaysus Drog fan is looking flash tonight in that new suit of his, quiet, here he comes
DROGS FAN - I'm a reservoir drog , I'm really flash , what ya think of that Dundalk fan
DUNDALK FAN - Yeah, yeah very nice
DROGS FAN - Drogs in the Premier man, we're going to Wembley, Que sera sera
GALWAY FAN - Excuse me strange Drog man but you still talk a whole lot of shite
CORK FAN - I'll tell you boy come down to the cross boy and we'll show you pale boy huh, bringing your flash suits boy, wait till Patsy sorts you out boy
Dundalk fan walks away from those and over to the First Division corner
DUNDALK FAN - Hi guys
LONGFORD FAN - Sorry ?
LIMERICK FAN - You talking to us ?
DUNDALK FAN - Yeah
THE ST FRANCIS FAN - You are a Dundalk fan
DUNDALK FAN - Yes
HOME FARM FAN - You support Dundalk and you want to talk to us
DUNDALK FAN - Yeah, is there a problem with that ?
LONGFORD FAN - Yeah, there is a problem actually, you want to talk to us now after 73 years, you ignored us, your father ignored mine, said you were too good for us, who's laughing now eh ? Down with us common folk, well welcome to the real world, who's too good for us now, eh ?
DUNDALK FAN - Fine I'm out of here
Elsewhere
FINN HARPS FAN - Hey Kilkenny fan, hows it going, fancy a game of darts ?
KILKENNY FAN - There is a dartboard but no darts what am I supposed to do ?
FINN HARPS FAN - Well I have my own personal ones and you can't use them
KILKENNY FAN - I can't play without darts
FINN HARPS FAN - Fair enough I win
KILKENNY FAN - You can't win, you never even played me ?
FINN HARPS FAN - Do I care ?
Back at the main table
CORK FAN - And the way I figure it boy is that Dick O Hanlon is really from the pale and he conspired with Bernard O Byrne and the smoking man to set this up boy , you see
UCD FAN - Sorry man but I dozed off
ROVERS FAN - I'm bored lads, how about we go outside and blow up some buildings ?
DROGHEDA FAN - Where's craptown fan gone ?
Drogheda fan starts to cry
UCD FAN - Oo it's dripping on your suit
PATS FAN - What's wrong peasant
DROGHEDA FAN - We can't live without them, we have nothing to say, I don't even know who you people are or what we're here for, we just follow craptown fans around and now I've lost the only one in the room
UCD FAN - Nurse
SLIGO FAN - Getting back to the main point lads, I think we should just sack everyone and start fresh and if that works, sack em anyway
GALWAY FAN - It's terrible about Cobh fan isn't it, the poor fella goes looking for the autographs man and to chill with the players man and he's taken hostage
ROVERS FAN - Lets save him, I've worked out a plan which involves bombing the Lebanon
UCD FAN - And ?
ROVERS FAN - Sweet Jesus it took me long enough to get that far will ya give me some breathing space
ATHLONE FAN - Ah it's the bloody 90's , I've just realised, what the hell is John Minnock still playing for, he's in his bloody 50's and his hairs gone yellow
UCD FAN - Nurse we may need another straight jacket, I repeat, another straight jacket
BOHS FAN - Doesn't that waiter look an awful lot like Stephen Geogeghan, hey Geogho
GEOGEGHAN - Please lads, don't tell anyone about this, one of Sheros pals bailed me out and I have to pay him back
BRAY FAN - Will they wring your neck if they don't get their money back
Embarassing silence
BRAY FAN - You see, a pun on wring, ah forget it I'll retreat to the back now
CORK FAN - Oh boy Pats boy Dick O Hanlon boy
PATS FAN - Sorry to interrupt you Cork fan but there's a band outside in a wagon shouldn't you be running after it
CORK FAN - Too right boy, bye
UCD FAN - This party has been a big disappointment and that other Pats fan over there on the karaoke is doing my head in
OTHER PATS FAN - " I AM THE FIRESTARTER, TWISTED FIRESTARTER "
ROVERS FAN - You
LIMERICK FAN - Now now no need for a fight, besides I've had 18 weeks of intense training from Mr Foreman myself and I will knock you all out personally
UCD FAN - He's only bluffing boy he's never been in a place with this many people before
Limerick fan knocks UCD fan out
DROGHEDA FAN - Wait lads I've got a gun in my suit pocket
Drog fan pulls the trigger and shoots himself in the face, he is now covered in paint
DUNDALK FAN - Ah ha ha ha, no matter how bad my troubles are I can always laugh at you
ROVERS FAN - Thank God for Drogheda, anyway lets leave this place, I know a good chippie which we can hold up at gunpoint
So off they go on their merry journey, they'll be back soon with more craziness