The following is the new guidelines and rules for eircom League clubs for the year 2002 and beyond
For details about the rules of football, consult FIFA and don't be boring us. It's eleven a side, right ? The season in the Premier Division will consist of thirty three rounds of fixtures, with thirty six rounds of fixtures in Division One. Games will be played whenever the team wants. The choice of the eircom League as regards match officials is final. The season will finish roughly around May, but hey, we don't care ! The final round of games will be on at the same time, as long as they don't interfere with the FA Cup final. Medals and trophy will be presented to Premier Division champions at the time. In the case of Division One champions, a two minute trophy presentation is all that is permitted. The medals will be left in a cardboard box in the trophy. It is not the business of the eircom League to open these boxes or present the medals to the winning team and players. That will be left at the winning clubs discretion
Any team which fails to turn up for a game in which they are down to play will lose all three points and receive a severe fine. There are however several exceptions to this rule
2[a] Any team which refuses to turn up claiming that a suspension feck up on our behalf is the cause of a problem will not be punished and get to play the game at a later date
2[b] Any team which moans to the Evening Herald or any reputable newspapers will also receive a replay, and no punishment
2[c] Any team who says they can't play because of injury problems will be punished, if failing to do either [a] or [b]. However this side will receive a massive favour in the future when they break another one of our rules
[d] Any team who doesn't turn up because several of their players are fans of Celtic and are at a Champions League match, will receive no penalty and all our support
Any player who clocks up a certain amount of penalty points will receive bans determined by the number of points they have accumulated. Suspensions based on red cards will come down to the referees report. There are also exceptions to this rule
3[a] Some suspensions can be paid off by money, in order to finance vital FAI funding. However, the FAI is not at liberty to disclose which suspensions can be overturned, and which ones cannot be. So basically, any one who thinks they might have a player suspended send £100 to the FAI, and there is a possibility the player will be cleared
3[b] The eircom League reserves the right to ban players they don't like for no reason. Players such as Kevin Hunt and Stephen McGuinness are exempt from the money for suspensions idea because they've been bad boys. The eircom League can add whoever they wish to the black book. These players receive double points for each yellow card they receive
3[c] Teams are not allowed clear suspensions in Leinster Senior Cup games. However, any yellow and red cards picked up in these games and in friendly matches will result in suspension for League games. Failure to apply these rules will result in a threatened fine but no eventual action [see 2[a]]
3[d] If a team thinks a player on the opposing team is suspended, we'll take their word for it and stop him from playing. This is subject to change, and depends on which club makes the claim
3[e] Several referees reserve the right to book a player twice in one game, but not send him off
Any team which plays a player that is ineligible will be severely disclipined as this is a serious breach of eircom League rules. Again, there are several variations to this rule
4[a] If the player is ineligible due to a problem on his form, such as a forged signature then the club will be deducted three points for every game he plays in
4[b] In the case of 4[a], if the error in question was due to the club in question being a small little club that deserves sympathy then the games will be replayed. In order to be fair to other clubs, the protest will not be answered until the end of the season, and if the club is in with a chance of doing well then their nearest FAI delegate gets a chance to overturn the decision
4[c] If the decision to play the ineligible player was inadvertant, with outside forces such as An Post or stupidity to blame for the problem, then the club will not be deducted three points for playing the ineligible player. Other clubs will be expected to accept the decision due to the grace of God, or some other wishy washy reason. A fine will be the sensible solution, again for vital FAI funding
4[d] If a team quite clearly obstructs the rules by playing fourteen players on the pitch at once, all ineligible, and wearing jerseys saying "We are being held against our will", the eircom League will put it down to human error and the grace of God. The team in question will not be deducted any points received while playing fourteen players, and instead receive a large fine. Any clubs which complain will be allowed play games with fourteen players to compensate. However, they will also be fined
4[e] If a player is injured for the rest of the season, then the eircom League understands that another registration is too much hassle as stamps are expensive. Therefore, another person can play in that persons place and with their name until they come back. [example, Dundalk may play any player they can find, and not bother registering him. Instead put him on the team sheet as Bryan McCrystal] If any opposing clubs or newspapers notice this then the team in question will be threatened with a serious penalty, but will be let off eventually. A fine will be the solution, for vital FAI funding.
Any criticism of a referee or assistants, verbal or physical will result in a serious fine or touchline ban. This code has several variations and conditions
5 [a] If a manager we don't like keeps making complaints about referees then we'll ban him from all matches completely, unless he pays in
5[b] If a manager is sent off by the referee during the match then he will be allowed watch the rest of the game from the stand. In the case of grounds where there is no stand, the manager will have to go twenty yards back from the wall nearest the pitch, and be held up in the air for the rest of the game by three stewards. In such situations, he is only allowed communicate with the bench by 086 mobile phones, pigeon aided messaging, or by fax
5[c] If the manager wishes to, when sent off he can go over to the other side of the pitch and take control of his team from there. We'll turn a blind eye, unless someone notices. Then we'll fine him
Anyone else with queries can consult the FIFA Rules of Football, presuming such a publication exists, and we'll assume they are right. Otherwise, rules will be made up to go along with any other possible situations that occur. These are at the discretion of a special eircom League disclipinary committee
We truly believe our new rulebook has created the guidelines for a smooth error free League which won't distract us from our daily routine of camera chasing, taking the credit for solving problems, and PR launches for potential sponsors of the national sides. It will also allow eircom League officials to dedicate our time to other more serious jobs within the FAI such as organising underage matches, and bitching about senior figures in the organisation to national newspapers under the guise of "FAI insider"
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