The new season has begun and there's plenty to talk about. The Leaguers have all decided individually to give Des Cahill a call on Sportscall.
CAHILL - Ten minutes left in the programme. Any Man U Fans out there want to ring about something, any Clare hurling fans, Eddie Irvine, any calls on that. Just get in touch with us. I'm told we have Drog on the phone. Hello Drog
DROGHEDA FAN - Howya. Am I on the radio.
CAHILL - Yes
DROGHEDA FAN - Ha ha, you're gay, tee hee
CAHILL - What are you ringing about ?
No response from Drog but there is the sound of a zip being pulled down and a voice in the background shouting " Oh no , not on the carpet again "
CAHILL - Erm , we'll bring in Rebel on Line2 , hello there
CORK FAN - Boutcha Dessie boy, I was listening on the radio there this evening and I tell ya there wasn't a mention of Cork being top of the League at all boy. I tell ya boy Patsy'll give you a good talking to if you don't tell me boy, wheres the coverage boy
CAHILL - Well I'm actually live from Wembley Cork fan so I haven't heard the news this evening but I tell you I'm a big National League fan. I'm a huge Bray fan. I was shattered when we were relegated, I nearly broke down in tears the following day when I heard the news after the flight home from Parkhead
CORK FAN - I'll tell ya boy, those Swedes in the Cross boy, bit of the fancy footwork boy, City on the TV I tell ya
CAHILL - We have a few more calls coming through, Joe from Kilkenny on line 3, Madser from no fixed abode on line 4 and Tim O Connor head of RTE Sport on line 5, hello lads
KILKENNY FAN - Hello
ROVERS FAN - Alri
O CONNOR - Hello Des, I was actually ringing about the rugby
PATS FAN - Hello Des, line 6 here, what the hell is he on about rugby for. What about RTE's shameful eircom League coverage
O CONNOR - Now hang on, nine live matches is only two worse than the last two seasons, you can't say its getting worse can you ?
KILKENNY FAN - That coverage is so bad I might sell my telly, its worth a few hundred grand, I bought it brand new. I'll sell it to you for a fiver
CAHILL - I think we have a taker on line 7 Kilkenny man
PETER REID - I'll take it, bye lads
DROG FAN - Ahh
ROVERS FAN - Listen Des, I'm distraught about the Hoops having no home
CAHILL - What ! They sold Parkhead, this is outrageous
CORK FAN - This is the worst news of my life boy
ROVERS FAN - No, Shamrock Rovers
CAHILL - Oh, sure you're fine out there in Santry, I mean theres a grand big running track there for the athletics, hello to Bohs Fan on line 7, Galway fan on line 8 and UCD fan on line 9, Roy Willoughby how many lines do we have
CORK FAN - I'll tell ya you have more lines in an evening than Eamonn Dunphy, boy. Do you get it Des, do you get it, ah go on you get it
UCD FAN - I'm ringing to complain about the first caller. I am trying to study here, I don't need little idiots pissing live on air. That is gutter radio, tell him to ring Today FM if thats what he want
DROG FAN - Shut up UCD fan, I'll be in your college next week and I'll sort you out
CAHILL - You're starting in college next week Drog ?
DROG FAN - Aye, in the canteen. Cleaning the tables you know
GALWAY FAN - Hang on there brothers, peace and love.
SHELS FAN - Hello this is Shels fan on line 10, I'm ringing with my brand new mobile phone
ROVERS FAN - Did Geogho supply it
SHELS FAN - No, I bought it with my Mastercard
ROVERS FAN - Waste of money, I could have sorted you out for 300
KILKENNY FAN - I'll sell you mine for £1.50
Drog fan is urinating on air again
UCD FAN - I'm out of here
CAHILL - We're running out of time here lads
CORK FAN - I'll tell you when we're out of time boy, I have friends in the Gardai boy, they'll sort it out
BOHS FAN - Looks like Rovers title challenge is going up in flames
PATS FAN - Rather like one of their flags
The caller on line 1 is trying to dial someone else without hanging up first
CAHILL - No Drog fan, hang up first
DROG FAN - Is that you Mikey
CAHILL - Roy, cut off line 1
ROVERS FAN - What about the problem with Rovers being without a ground
SHELS FAN - Well I'm after buying a new house and the garden is quite spacious, you'll have to take your shoes off before you walk on the grass though
BOHS FAN - Homeless hoops, ha ha
KILKENNY FAN - I'll sell you our pitch, we'll deliver it on Monday. Free of charge
CAHILL - Listen Kilkenny fan, we'll have to let you go now, some more callers want in . Leave your number with Roy and we'll get back to you about that car you have for sale
KILKENNY FAN - Ok bye
CAHILL - Now we now have Angie on the line
ANGIE MOSETTI - Des, get off the air. Its five past eight and I'm sure the people want to hear the news
CAHILL - I can't help it Angie, there's loads of them
MOSETTI - Ah well its nothing important anyway, just that the guards have tracked down the guy who put a brick through Louis Kilcoyne's window last night
Rovers fan hangs up
PATS FAN - I have a question for Tim O Connor
O CONNOR - Yes peasant
PATS FAN - When is the eircom League going to have a new highlights programme
O CONNOR - Do not fear, starting from this Sunday the National League will have its own highlights programme
PATS FAN - Great, whats it called ?
O CONNOR - Sunday Sport with Rile Nugent, this Sunday featuring Wildcats vs Star Of The Sea
PATS FAN - What about the eircom League highlights
O CONNOR - Ah we'll slot the goals from the Brandywell in before the first ads. UTV will send us the pictures
CAHILL - We have Cobh Ramblers fan on line 13
COBH RAMBLERS FAN - I was just going to ask Angie Mosetti if she wants to replace Tony Izzi up front next week
MOSETTI - No
CAHILL - Listen Finn Harps fan on line 14, no time to talk to you, we'll continue this debate another time
CAHILL TO WILLOUGHBY [off air ] - Like hell we will
CAHILL - I just want to get in the Bray fan at the last minute
FINN HARPS FAN - Ahh not again
BRAY FAN - Hello Des, haven't seen you since the Cup final, how have you been ?
CAHILL - Fine
BRAY FAN - I was just ringing to ask you what you think about the sparkling form of Tarzan
CAHILL - Well he's long dead now I'm sure , I didn't even know he was real
BRAY FAN - I meant Kieran O'Brien
CAHILL - Oh yes, ha ha Kieran O Brien, of course I know who he is, ha ha, play the music, ha ha
Annoying Sportscall music plays and the show ends.
Footnote : After this show there were 2,700 complaints about the Drog fan urinating live on air.