BEATING THE BEATLE BASHERS
from The Daily Hampshire Gazette, Northampton, Massachusetts
If you're a Baby Boomer (and who isn't?) you're already counting the
days until the Beatles renuion.
Three of the four moptops will perform on a TV documentary this week
and I just have to shout "Fab! Gear! Beatles forever!" But in spite
of our euphoria, we true Beatles fans must face facts. Only those between
the ages of 41 and 49 care, really care about this. Everyone else is
just wrong.
Never mind that the reunion is the most important event in world history,
on a par with, say, the Crusades. It just doesn't matter to anyone,
young or old, who didn't turn off their midns, relax, and float downstream.
While the Fab Three sing, our kids will all be watching "Central Park
West." Our parents might even read books.
Changing our parents' minds remains hopeless. But to bridge half the
generation gap, I offer excerpts from my book "How to Talk to Your Teen
About the Beatles" (LifeStyles Press, $29.95).
1. If you're with your teen in a mall and hear "Strawberry Fields Forever,"
avoid flying into a rage. Don't sing along or explain the drug references.
Merely whisper "This song changed my life." Pause to let your teen wonder,
then add, "Now it's mall music. What say we get some fried dough?"
2. Your teen does not want to know what "I am the Walrus" says when
you play the last part backwards. All your teen's favorite groups sound
the same played forwards and backwards anyway. If asked about the song,
smile and say, "Coo-coo-ka-choo."
3. If your teen won't let you play the Beatles in your own home, try
this subtle strategy. Kidnap the little punk's "Green Day" collection,
then send a ransom note demanding one hour of "Rubber Soul" or else
the CDs go in the toaster oven.
4. Never let your teen mention the Beatles and Elvis in the same breath.
Today's troubled youth have a distrubing tendency to do this and must
be corrected, even if your risk provoking a sudden "Back Off!"
5. When your teen asks, "Like what's so great about the Beatles, huh?"
don't play "A Day in the Life" again. Instead buy the Greatest Hits
of 1963. Program your CD player to spew out "Big Girls Don't Cry," "Surf
City," and The Singing Nun over and over. When your teen comes crawling
for mercy, say, "That was life before the Beatles."
6. "Okay," your teen will say, "but what about bubble gum like "Eight
Days a Week." Resist all temptation to drum Ringo's solo from "Rain"
on your teen's nose. Instead shout "1965!" and play "Baby's in Black."
Then: "1969!" and play all of "Abbey Road." "Soooo," you ask cooly,
"think we'll be seeing bigger things out of Hootie and the Blowfish?
7. If your teen challenges you to a Battle of the Bands, playing the
Beatles back-to-back with Mariah Carey, get tough. Begin humming "Yellow
Submarine" louder and louder until your adolescent breaks down. Then
demand a week's "White Album" privileges.
8. If you must show off your Beatle lunchbox or Beatle wig, do so discreetly.
Use the lunchbox for a flower pot, the wig as a guinea pig decoy. Today's
teens have no hope of understanding yesterdays fads. They each own more
stereo equipment than the Beatles used in recording "Sgt. Pepper." What
do they know of love?
9. If your teen still doesn't get it, don't despair. Grasp him or her
firmly by the shoulders, saying, "And in the end, the love you take
is equal to the love you make." When your teen stops laughing, shrug
and say, "Well, anyway it used to be."
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