Proverbs

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, or in the eyes.

When the cats away the mice will hold an informed discussion on the dangers of cheese abuse.

There's no place like Rome.

A rolling stone is a stone that rolls.

The early bird flys Aer Lingus™.

Great minds think of bikes.

"All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."

"The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math"

"Gravity is a myth...the Earth sucks."

"Don't judge a book by its movie."

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"When all else fails, follow instructions."

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

"Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist."

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten..."

"Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."


"A closed mouth gathers no foot."

"When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."

"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines."

"Two rules in life are deny everything, and now I have no idea what you're talking about."

"If Christmas isn't about the giving or the receiving, you ain't got much to ride on."

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Don't judge a book by its cover unless the inside flap gives the story away."

"Nobody ever died from hard work, but I don't wanna take the risk."

" There's nothing wrong with your idea except for one little thing: it's existence."

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person you're with."

"All generalisations are false."

"Why does the pope have bullet proof glass on his car? Is he afraid he's gunna get shot and go to heaven?

"It's as bad as you think...they ARE all out to get you."

"You're unique, just like everyone else."

"There are only three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can not."

"Don't do drugs....do medicine."

"A penny saved is, a penny ok? Who cares? 1 penny!!!!! How much interest does that generate a year huh?"

"On the road of life, don't forget to flick off anyone who cuts you off."

"When in doubt, do like others get psychiatric help about it."

"The only difference between smart and stupid people, is that you don’t brag bout being stupid."

"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance."

"The world's full of apathy, but I don't care."

"Perspective is in the eye of the beholder."

"I have my doubts about disbelief."

"I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life."

"I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid."

"Free advice is worth what you paid for it."

"Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons."

"Honk if you love peace & quiet."

"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."

"Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

"Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?"

"If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?"

"Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?"

"Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?"

"All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?"

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."

"Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now."

"Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?"


"Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?"

"Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?"

"Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?"

"What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?"

"If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?"

"If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?"

"Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

"Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?"

"What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"

"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? "

"If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?"

"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"

"Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?"

"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"

"Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?"

"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"

"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? "

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

"What if there were no hypothetical situations?"

"If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, can you read okay?"

"If the world were flat would we still have Columbus Day?"

"When people make a new Champagne, do they break a boat over it?"

"Why is the word abbreviation so long?"

"If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, and olive oil is made of olives, what is baby oil made of?"

"How does Teflon stick to the pan?"

"Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?"

"Why are they called apartments if they're all squeezed together?"

"If pro is the opposite of con, then is progress the opposite of congress?"

"If a cow laughed, would milk come of out her nose?"

"What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?"

"If at first you don't succeed, deny you were even trying."

"There's nothing more annoying than two people talking when your interrupting."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest!"

"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."

"It takes many nails to build a cradle, but only one screw to fill it."

"I'm not humble because I don't like to lie."

"Don't give me that "there's no I in team" crap. There's no U in team either. "

"No one likes a loser. Be a cheater."

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

"If someone has a mid-life crisis during a hide-&-seek game, does that mean he automatically loses because he can't find himself?"

"Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think of them."

"You can't be late until you show up."

"I talk to myself mainly because I like dealing with a better class of people."

"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."

"Laugh at your problems, everyone else does."

"Computers help us do stupid things faster."

"My rules apply only to other people, not myself."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, is that considered a hostage situation."

"Don't lie, steal, or cheat, because the government hates competition."

"If you want to honour something, hold a canned food drive."

"The ultimate form of hypocrisy is someone persuading you to be individualistic."

"Wise man once say, man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger."

"It is impossible to get drunk if you have puppets glued to your hands."

"If we are here to help others, what are the others here for?"

"We treat star athletes better because they are better people."

"Anything can be obtained through hard work, perseverance, and a large assortment of automatic weapons."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in groups."

"There are no stupid questions, only stupid people."

"Guns don't kill people, I kill people."

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."

"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives."

"If flames are shooting out of your ass, sit in a corner until you get it under control."