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HOME!!! Apr 16 2001 FORMER KING OF DARTS IN VEIL OF LIES The 2000 King of Darts Paul Dolan has been slammed from all quarters for perpetrating a heinous 'veil of lies' in the run up to his Trimleston darts defence at Darts 2001. In a quietly published statement in the week after his defeat to John 'Dart Vadar' Joyce, Dolan announced that he had purchased a dart board for his house as it was a handy thing to have and a healthy way of unwinding. However information provided to the Committee by the 'BundesInformationsdienstNachricten' news service suggests that the dart board was installed in Dolan's house some time before the event. These suggestions were confirmed by Dolan's wife who said the board was put in about two weeks before the event. Dolan's wife did point out that Dolan was unable to practice much on the board as he was busy with jobs about the house. The Minister for Posts and Telegraphs Gary Corcoran rejected calls for discplinary action against Dolan, stating that although Dolan's dishonesty was disappointing, there is nothing unhealthy about players indulging in this sort of preparation. The Minister added 'It will most likely be of great benefit to Dolan for preparation for the 2002 event'. CHANGE OF APPROACH FOR RYAN IN 2002 Observers have noted, some with astonishment, a major change of approach by Tipp hardman Pa Ryan to his darts lifestyle. Ryan has been a quarter finalist in the last three Trimleston darts and has been criticised by some for his hard to beat, flairless dour style. Ryan is now speaking of playing an expansive, open and exciting darts style and has turned his back on his previous stodginess. Ryan said to moles 'I will play the way darts should be played and vow to entertain and excite.' Ryan also added that Dave Doheny's defeat in darts 2001 was due to sins he had committed in a previous life. MY TRIMLESTON DARTS REGRET BY JIMMY WELSH At a non darts related function in Swinford, Co. Mayo attended by The Minister for Posts and Telegraphs Gary Corcoran, Darts bad boy James Henry and inaugaral King of Darts Tom Henry, Jimmy Welsh spoke of his regret of having not claimed the king of darts title in 1997. Welsh, a highly rated star in the early days of Trimleston darts was touted by many as a hot favourite for the inaugaral title. However, Welsh refused to travel to Dublin to compete in the event and later stated that it was beneath him. Four years on the regret hurts deep. 'My one regret in life is not going to win the darts that year,' Jimmy told onlookers at the bar. Gary Corcoran pointed out to Jimmy the door was open for a return but Welsh said that the boat had moved on. Welsh added that if ever he did attend Trimleston darts, he would win easily. Gary Corcoran added that the record books show Tom Henry as King of darts for 1997 and Jimmy's name did not appear on the roll of honour. 'Mad' Al Heaney concluded that 'Jimmy Welsh is both a bad man and a slob'. LYNCH RETURNS Colm Lynch has returned to Ireland after his moderately successful stint in Australia. Landing at Dublin airport Lynch told press 'The news that Super Robot won darts 2001 was a surprise to me but it gives great hope to players who were beaten in previous years. I will be back for 2002. It was also refreshing to see Pat 'king of shite' Kelly put in his place this year.' Moving in the opposite direction, Conor 'The High Priest' Guinan finally made his long awaited move to Australia with former semi-finalist Paul McGettrick. 1998 King of Darts Johnny 'The Cat' Heaney has also returned to Ireland. CONGRATS TO BEAR BYRAN Congratulations are extended to Darts 2001 first round flop Ciaran 'The Bear' Byran on the birth of his son Harry. Harry is being touted as a likely contender for the 2020 title. TRIMLESTON CLUB A CULTURAL CENTRE OF EXCELLENCE In light of criticism from press after another year without a member claiming the title and in light of the reports of the 'excessive' lifestyle of certain members, it now seems the Trimleston club have now turned to a different approach. The host club is now a regular venue for poetry reading, intellectual discussions, chess games and carpentry. Colm 'Mad Dog' O'Donnell announced 'the other night after a tense game of chess against the minister, Dan and I debated the merits of the new facade on the German embassy. A few months back a scene like this would have been impossible, as we would have all been rolling on the floor foaming at the mouth.' SUPER ROBOT URGES MAYDAY CALM King of Darts Neil 'Super Robot' Corcoran has urged members of his 'Smash Corporate Greed and Fascism' group to refrain from any disorderly activities at the mayday marches in Central London. May 15 2001 RETURNING HEANEY SLAMMED FOR NEW IMAGE Gifted darts prodigy Big Dave Heaney has faced an avalanche of criticism and abuse on his return from his short Australian tour. Heaney, a brother of Darts 98 runner up 'Mad' Al Heaney has recently returned from the Southern hemisphere sporting dyed blond hair and an earring. James Henry led the abuse: 'this sort of image is not what is in keeping with Darts. It is the image of a flute.' Mad Al Heaney was equally scathing: 'he has disgraced the family. We had just gotten over the shame of Karl's behaviour at darts 99 when we have to deal with this.' Comments from other observers included 'gobshite', 'twat' and 'ladyboy'. Heaney is unlikely to be unfazed by criticisms and fans harbour hopes that he will finally debut in the 2002 competition. Given the increasing standard of the competition each year, the prescence of Heaney would raise the levels even higher. TRIMLESTON RE-DESCENDS INTO CHAOS. Trimleston's short period as a centre of cultural excellence has ended as hard core elements in the house have resumed their campaign of chaos. Colm 'Mad Dog' O'Donnell and Dan 'The Madman' Grennan have recommenced their pre-darts 2001 activities which have culturally returned the house to the dark ages. John Walsh commented 'Colm and Dan have laid a siege on me till the early hours of the mornings with drink fuelled emulations of thin lizzy concerts. It is hard for me to focus on wider apsects of life amidst the wreckage of their pestilence.' Observers also noted the smashed up cars which surround the venue which are a by-product of the campaign. MATTHEWS PLOTS 2002 RETURN Keith 'Digger' Matthews was sighted last Thursday night in a trendy Dublin bar with his two man management team which are believed to be plotting his return to the game in 2002. The men kept a low profile and were cagey when approached by reporters. Digger refused to comment on the purpose of the meeting and the men were seen leaving some time later with a closely guarded portfolio of documents. CAT ENTERS TECHNOLOGICAL AGE Johnny 'The Cat' Heaney, the 98 King of darts has purchased a mobile phone. The Cat had previously refused any contact with modern technological advances until now but has reluctantly bought the mobile phone. The phone allows him to communicate with friends, family and business associates. It also allows him to send text messages and has fun features such as ringtones and games. The Cat is coming to grips with his new phone and time will tell how he adapts to it. June 12 2001 GRENNAN VICTIM OF GRAFITTI SLUR Hard living darts flop Dan 'The Madman' Grennan has become the victim of a vicious personal attack. Grennan's car was vandalised last week when thugs scrawled offensive remarks on his car under the cover of darkness. The comments in the grafitti are too offensive to be documented on this medium make certain allegations about Grennan's personal life. To add to the intensity of the remarks, it appears they are indeliably marked on his car as one week later he has been unable to remove the grafitti. Grennan slammed the perpetrator as lacking intellegence. 'It's barely legible what is written. Obviously whoever wrote it is not very intellegent. I don't have to respond to allegations like that,' said Grennan. Sources have ruled out the possibility that the attack on the 97 ford escort was carried out by any of the darts community with keen rival Colm 'Mad Dog' O'Donnell reportedly 'shocked' and cohort Johnny 'The Fugitive' Walsh entering into a meaningless meandering diatribe about car prices and insurance. CAT CONFIRMS 2002 RETURN Johnny 'The Cat' Heaney has confirmed he will return in 2002 to attempt to reclaim the darts crown he held in 1998. Speaking a function at the Drumcondra headquarters of stars Barney 'Bad News' Johnson and Denis 'The Field Marshall' Reilly, the cat confirmed he would return for the 2002 event and conceded he will have a lot to do to compete with the new breed of stars. He added he hoped he would still be a major force on the darts scene. The Cat remains the only player in Trimleston darts history to be undefeated, winning an unlikely title in 98 and never returning to defend it. Also at the function were a host of stars from the world of darts including James 'the druid' Henry, Pa 'The fridge' Ryan, Barry 'The baz' Conroy, Dave 'The Monk' Doheny, Gary 'The Minister' Corcoran and Dick 'The van' Hanratty. LYNCH BACK IN FOLD. Cavan hardman Colm Lynch returned to the Trimleston venue last night for his first visit since he left the club in April 2000. The outspoken star aired a number of views on a wide range of topics. It is expected Lynch will be a regular figure on the social circuit in the off-season. MAD DOG CONTEMPLATES MADMAN APPROACH Although it is the off-season with over 9 months to go to the next event, it is a sign of the times that players are contemplating their appraoch for 2002. Colm 'Mad Dog' O'Donnell spoke publicly last week praising the controversial approach of Dan Grennan, who refuses to lift a dart in the run up to the annual spectacle. 'There are clear merits to Grennan's approach,' said keen rival O'Donnell, 'He is fresh and focussed each year while the rest of us may be suffering burnout.' Minister Gary Corcoran disagrees strongly with O'Donnell's comments. 'Grennan is a player of obvious talent and has strong levels of stamina and discpline. However I feel he has let himself down with his technical approach.' Speaking seperately at the Drumcondra function, James 'the druid' Henry who acknowledges his demise from his early years cites Neil 'Super Robot' Corcoran as the standard bearer for current players. 'I have seen players who are technically superior to Super Robot, but in terms of approach, discpline and attitude he is top class. His game has improved greatly and his attitude this year made him near unbeatable.' The convention nodded in agreement. Henry 'concluded, obviously it will be difficult for Super Robot to defend his title in 2002 but it will be a major challenge for his rivals to wrest it off him.' |