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HOME!!! Odds, March 1st Dave Heaney 2/1F Al Heaney 4/1 Tom Henry 5/1 John Heaney 5/1 Karl Heaney 7/1 Paul McGettrick 10/1 Barney Johnson 10/1 James Henry 12/1 Vince Meyler 16/1 Gary Corcoran 20/1 Jimmy Styles 25/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Soren Neilsen 33/1 Colm Lynch 50/1 Steve Steamer 50/1 Others on request March 2nd TOM HENRY IN 'GIRL STEALING' ROW. 1997 King of Darts Tom Henry has become embroiled in a new row with allegations that he was involved in a drunken incident where unwelcome advances were made to a girl who was involved with another man. This latest storm comes close on the heels of the Yips scandal where Henry faked an illness in order to win public sympathy. There is presently very little hard evidence to suggest Henry was the perpetrator of the incedent however eyewitnesses claim 'Henry was drunk and his words incoherent. He was staggering and dribbling.' Doctor Rafrash Al-Jalahmana, a previous critic of Henry came out in defence of his patient. 'This type of behaviour described by the eye-witness is very normal behaviour for Thomas,' said the 52 year old doctor. Also, police are questioning Barry Conroy as their main suspect for the incident. However this is far from the sort of publicity Henry requires with under four weeks to go to the big day. CAR SMASH ROW ESCALATES The ongoing 'holy war' between perennial second round flop James Henry and newcomer Colm Lynch has escalated with Lynch threatening to withdraw from the tournament unless security safeguards are provided to him. Lynch has demanded that a security prescence is provided to ensure James Henry is kept at least fifteen feet from him and also that supervised car parking be provided for his automobile. The Committee have rejected immediately Lynch's demands as ridiculous and have stated they are unwilling to make any concessions to the burly Cavan man. Sponsors and representatives are locked in negociations to try to secure Lynch's participation. James Henry dismissed Lynch's demands with foul language and obscene gestures. DANE IN 'SOFT TIPS' ROW The first Scandanavian to enter the Darts, Soren 'Dong' Neilsen has becomed embroiled in a row with allegations he has played soft tip european darts for a number of years. Although there are no rules against playing soft tip darts, many hardcore type hard tip players have campaigned for years for a ban on players of the soft tip code. 'The noises the machine makes are ridiculous and Eurosport keeps showing it,' said one opponent. Neilsen dismissed the rumour by stating 'I have never played soft tip darts.' MEYLER IS A SENSITIVE SOUL Vince Meyler hit back at the media over the 'hard man' label he has become tagged with. 'I am not a hard man. I live hard and play darts hard but I am not a hard man,' was Meyler's confusing statement. Meyler is touted by some to do well this year however some neutrals still express horror and revulsion at the man's lifestyle. HEANEYS REVEAL NEW PROTOTYPE The long struggle by the Heaney brothers to bring the title West of the Shannon for the first time has been stepped up by the announcement that a third Heaney brother will enter the tournament. Big Dave Heaney was unvealed to the media last week and experts believe he is their best chance yet of winning. 'He has the skill and flair of Al Heaney but will not bottle it in the final. He has the physical prescence of Karl and nerves of steel. Quite simply, it is very difficult to envisage him not winning the tournament,' we are told. Bookies have installed Big Dave as the tournament favourite to dethrone current champ Johnny the cat Heaney (no relative). March 4th BOOZE HELL FOR SHAMED STYLES Old ladies' favourite Jimmy Styles has been admitted to a clinic in Clontarf suffering greatly with exhaustion and stress. Committee representatives met with Styles last night in a trendy city centre bar to accept his entry and registration forms. They found Styles in a terrible condition. He had been drinking heavily and was dishevelled looking with a thick scruffy beard. His clothes were stained and he stank of urine and vomit. He ranted incoherently about his time spent in Azerbejian which his carers admitted he has never visited. Then after causing a scene over attempting to enter the ladies toilets, he was involved in an ugly confrontation with bouncers who ejected Styles along with the Darts committee. Moving on to a more earthy establishment, Styles admitted it has been a struggle and is taking one day at a time. He has vowed to get over his latest battle and will be better than ever this year. Then we gave him some money 'for the bus home.' GUINAN IN DRUGS DISGRACE C. Guinan, a veteran of the 97 and 98 tournaments, is being accused by other compeditors of being a drug cheat. 'Guinan has been experimenting with drugs every day and is currently practicing under the influence of a number of steroids and beta blockers.' However a spokesperson has dismissed the story as 'utter rubbish' and a 'complete lie'. THREE NEW ENTRANTS ROLL IN The entries of 'Big' Pat Kelly, 'Tall' Declan Tighe and Mulvey have been received by the Comittee. March 5th HENRY AND CORCORAN IN SOFT TIP CLAIMS Darts bad boy Tom Henry and organiser Gary Corcoran have become embroiled in a sensational new row with accusations that they tried to play soft tip darts when on a recent trip to the continent. Juan Fernando Sanchez, a proprieter of a European nightclub claims that Henry and Corcoran came into his club and attempted to play with his soft tip dartboard machine. He told us 'Corcoran and Henry came in and put 500 pesetas into the machine. Corcoran came up to me at the bar and explained he couldn't get the machine to work. I gave him his money back because I was busy behind the bar. Henry was growling and leering at some of the lady customers. They left some time later. I thought nothing of it until I saw the darts webpage and decided I'd better sell the story. Corcoran denied attempting to play soft tip darts and Henry was unavailable for comment. AL HEANEY IN TALLNESS CLAIMS Al Heaney has hit out at claims by Colm Lynch that Declan Tighe will be the tallest player at the tournament. 'Ehh well bi de tellest pleyer! I am sex fut fev!' Al told us. When it was pointed out that Al was in fact five foot six and not six foot five, Al just stared into his tea, the shortarse. March 8th BAD NEWS JOHNSON IN 'LEWD ACT' ALLEGATION With only twenty days to go to the big day, hardman Barney Johnson has attracted more 'Trouble' with allegations that he performed 'a lewd act' in the toilets of a nightclub. Juan Nando Perez alleges that he entered the male toilets of the nightclub (which for legal reasons we cannot name) and saw Johnson committing an obscene act. Juan told us 'I walked into the gents restrooms and Mr Johnson was stood beside the sinks. He was rubbing himself furiously and his face was all contorted. It was a sickening sight.' Barney Johnson denies the allegations. He told us 'it's all a misunderstanding. I simply spilled some water on my jeans and was drying them with a paper towel.' JAMES HENRY IN PUNCHBOWL PUNCHUP Smooth darts star James Henry has attracted more publicity of the adverse kind when he was involved in a bar-room brawl in a bar in the sleepy South Dublin suburb of Booterstown. The brawl erupted when Henry went to the bar to order drink. It is believed he made offensive comments to some of the customers at the bar and some blows were exchanged. Fellow players Soren Neilsen and Gary Corcoran were on hand to break up the scuffle and they led Henry away. Henry was dragged out of the bar mouthing obscenities at customers and making obscene gestures to barstaff alike. STYLES SEEKS SOLACE IN OLD FLAME Housewives' favourite Jimmy Styles has ended up in the arms of an old flame to help battle the enormous personal problems he is facing. Styles was seen in a romantic clinch with French stunner Ms. S. Benaroche in the City Centre nightspot 'Fibber Magees'. However Ms Benaroche told us that her and Jimmy are not an item and she is happy to be able to help a dear old friend. When our men rang Styles' booze clinic he told us 'I always felt Ireland would win the triple crown this year. Elwood, Ollie Campbell and JPR Williams are on great form this season and when Paul McGrath is fit again he'll add stability to our scrum.' Odds March 8th Dave Heaney 2/1F Al Heaney 4/1 Tom Henry 6/1 John Heaney 5/1 Karl Heaney 7/1 Paul McGettrick 10/1 Barney Johnson 10/1 James Henry 12/1 Declan Tighe 16/1 Vince Meyler 16/1 Pat Kelly 20/1 Gary Corcoran 20/1 Mulvey 20/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Jimmy Styles 33/1 Soren Neilsen 40/1 Colm Lynch 40/1 Steve Steamer 50/1 March 10th AL IN GAY PORN VIDEO SHOCK Flamboyant star Al Heaney was rocked when a video made years ago was acquired by the Committee. The video features the 98 runner up and a host of muscle bound models strutting about in tight underwear rubbing each other. One sickening scene left Danish star Soren Neilsen disgusted. 'Alan walked up to the camera and turned about and shtarted rubbing hish how you shay, yesh - arshe. It wash quite roode,' Neilsen told us. Al was reported to be horrified that the video was in circulation and tried his utmost to stop its circulation but his attempts failed. This presents another setback for the diminiutive Mayo man, whose training plans have been rocked. Anyone interested in seeing the video should contact James Henry. BIG DAVE IN FITNESS BATTLE Darts 99 favourite Dave Heaney is reported to face a fitness battle before the big day. Dave has suffered from 'sore fingers' since January but is due to be over that injury before March 28th. However, his personal fitness has dropped and he is reported to 'hang around bars in the Rathmines area drinking heavily.' Experts have dismissed the reported fears of reporters stating that 'Dave is indulging in exactly the sort of lifestyle that leads to darts success. The three stone he has put on will help greatly.' MURTAGH BROTHERS ANNOUNCE ENTRY Mick and Jason Murtagh have announced their entry for Darts 99 however the announcement has been greeted with widespread scepticism as the two dull grinders entered the last two tournaments and failed to turn up. In 1997 Jason was ready to play but Mick refused to travel due to tiredness. Last year a similarly feeble excuse was presented. Mick hit back last night and said 'the Murtagh brothers will make their mark on this years event.' Jason is regarded as having some competitive skills but Mick is seen by most as a no-hoper. MEYLER GROWS BEARD Vince Meyler, stepping up his preparation has grown a beard in the build up to the event. Eye-witnesses reported 'it's not a George Michael type beard, but a good old-fashioned one, like Brian Blessed's or Tony Grealish's.' ENTRIES STILL BEING TAKEN Anyone interested in entering should contact the committee. March 12th NEILSEN ROCKED BY DRINK THEFT Danish outsider Soren Neilsen has been hit by a massive blow in that his store of drink for the competition was stolen late yesterday evening. The stash which included cans of Tuborg giraffe, Carlsberg elephant and Gammel Dansk was taken by deviants last night while Neilsen was away. This is an enormous setback as drink of this kind cannot be purchased in the country. The Dane's strategy has been ripped to shreds. A witness came forward and said 'I could not get a clear view of the burglars, but one was an unfit tubby man with glasses and the other was a very short man with a funny walk. I would know them again if I saw them.' LYNCH IN TAXI BRAWL Colm Lynch has landed himself in more hot water by allegations by a dublin taxi driver that he was verbally and physically abused by Lynch. The driver was making a pickup at a house near Lynch's when Lynch is alleged to swore at him, dragged him out of his car and punched him repeatedly. The taxi driver reported 'He just came from nowhere while I was sitting waiting and he called me a 4-eyed f*****. I tried to drive away but he grabbed me out of the car and punched my head and kicked me in the stomach. It was very painful and I wanted it to end.' Lynch denies the allegation. 'It all a mix-up. The doorbell rang when I was watching telly and the man asked had I ordered a taxi. I politely replied that I hadn't and that was all. If someone beat him up it's his own fault' KARL HEANEY ATTACKED BY GIANT BEAST Karl Heaney has revealed how is rehabilitating after undergoing a horrific ordeal suffered recently. Karl, who is among the favourites for the tournament, was attacked in his sleep some nights ago by a giant slug. One of Karl's flatmates told us 'I was awoken by Karl at around 3am. He said that he had just been attacked by the slug as he slept. He was petrified. I looked about but I could not see the slug. Not only was it huge, but it was moving very fast because it had escaped out the window or up the chimney without us noticing.' Security measures have been stepped up so that Karl is safe from further attacks from the slug. Karl's preparations were going well until this, and he had been quietly confident of doing well Odds March 12th Dave Heaney 2/1F Al Heaney 7/2 John Heaney 5/1 Tom Henry 11/2 Karl Heaney 8/1 Barney Johnson 8/1 Paul McGettrick 10/1 James Henry 12/1 Declan Tighe 14/1 Vince Meyler 16/1 Pat Kelly 16/1 Gary Corcoran 20/1 Mulvey 20/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Jason Murtagh 33/1 Jimmy Styles 33/1 Colm Lynch 33/1 Steve Steamer 50/1 Soren Neilsen 66/1 Mick Murtagh 150/1 |