|
HOME!!! March 16th JOHNSON IN SATANISM PROBE Hardman Barney Johnson finds himself in more hot water this morning as allegations from three ladies from Liverpool have added further mud to the Limerick man's preparations. The ladies claim they were approached by Johnson who claimed he was the devil, and he was coming to get them. He is also alleged to have brought his fingers up to his head, to demonstrate his 'horns'. Johnson denies the allegation claiming he cannot remember the incedent. MURTAGHS ARE SOFT TIP PLAYERS We regret to inform that Mick and Jason Murtagh, who entered the tournament last week are lifetime 'soft tip' darts players. This information was passed to us by a source who wishes to remain nameless. We are told 'the Murtaghs have a soft tip child's dart board at home and play the soft tip code regularly. They often are asked by friends to play steel tip darts but have refused continuously stating concerns about their safety.' This leak comes as a hammer blow to the Murtaghs, who are struggling hard to gain credibility before the event. Jason is believed to have played with steel tips before and is said to have adapted well, but Mick has never played with steel tips and his remote chances of tournament success look to be even more distant. This leak comes fresh on the heels of Gary Corcoran and Tom Henry being cleared of charges of attempting to play soft tip darts in February. TOM HENRY IN LESBIAN BAR PROBE On the subject of Tom Henry, the 1997 champion has taken to socialising in bars in London which have a majority lesbian clientelle. Tom's preparations are reported to be coming on well, as he has imposed a rigourous regime on himself which couples heavy drinking with hanging around pubs with dartboards in central London. His forays into the world of female homosexuality are thought to be an 'escape' for Henry however this is not Henry's first association with such a genre as has been documented outside the scope of this page. STYLES FEARS FOR TOURNAMENT MORALS Housewives favourite Jimmy Styles has expressed his fears for the morality of Darts 99 in an a wideranging attack on a series of other compeditors. 'The tournament is awash with players who are behaving in a wanton and lurid manner,' Styles told us. 'In the old days it was good clean fun but now I have to face the prospect of competing against thieves, murderers and giant slugs. It's a disgrace and something should be done. For a start, Al Heaney and that Brendan Johnson fella should be kicked out. The Committee needs to get tough here.' The Committee retorted it had no plans to discpline any compeditors. NEW ENTRANTS. The field for the competition has increased further with the receipt of entries from Pat Ryan, Paul Dunne and Dan Grennan. Ryan is an experienced campaigner and could do quite well as he is a proven winner. Dunne was a semifinalist in 1997 but his game has regressed a lot since then and is regarded this time as an outsider. Grennan however has excellent pedigree and is regarded as having both the ability and temperament to cause a lot of trouble for the Heaneys and other favourites. COMING SOON!!! A full in-depth preview of the event assessing each of the entrants chances. Odds March 16th Dave Heaney 2/1F Dan Grennan 100/30 Al Heaney 7/2 John Heaney 5/1 Tom Henry 5/1 Karl Heaney 8/1 Pat Ryan 8/1 Barney Johnson 9/1 Paul McGettrick 10/1 James Henry 12/1 Declan Tighe 14/1 Vince Meyler 16/1 Pat Kelly 16/1 Mulvey 20/1 Gary Corcoran 25/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Paul Dunne 25/1 Jason Murtagh 33/1 Jimmy Styles 33/1 Colm Lynch 40/1 Steve Steamer 50/1 Soren Neilsen 66/1 Mick Murtagh 250/1 March 18th MURTAGH BROTHERS COME CLEAN ON MURKY SOFT TIP PAST A press officer for no-show specialists the Murtagh brothers has released the following statement to us 'Murtagh Press Release The Murtagh brothers today lashed out at Barry Corcorcaran, organiser, and chief profiteer of the Trimelston Gardens Darts Extravaganza 99. In an impassioned plea to the common man, Mick, flanked by his large brother, came clean on previous absences and soft tip darts allegations. Here is their statement, which was issued from Cafe en Seine. 'Firstly, my brother and I were very keen to attend the previous two Darts extravaganzas. We felt we had the backing of a sizeable minority of Mayo fans. However, in the first year, unfortunately the Darts Fest clashed with a long pre arranged fishing trip which I, my brother and younger sisters go on each year. We had a delightful picnic afterwards, and looking back, I wouldn't swap that day for the world.' At this point, the elder Murtagh brother, nodded his approval. 'Last year, Jason was keen to go, but I was feeling run down and a bit weak. This was due to my previously undisclosed back,arm and finger pains. Jason wanted to show a united front and thus did not attend. As for soft tips, we believe them to be a worthy learning aid in the art of Darts. I was an enthusiastic proponent as a youth, although my brother never played. This is now all behind us and we make a pledge to all Mayo darts fans that although we may not bring back the hallowed trophy at our first attempt, we will make them proud in our efforts.' 'We'll do better than the Heaney losers anyway, and that fool Johnston as well', added his brother Jason from the shadows. Mick Murtagh Jason Murtagh' EXPERT ANALYSIS ON MURTAGHS' STATEMENT We were lucky to secure the services of Prof. Dougie Kelly, an expert 'Murtagh watcher' to analyse the statement of the Murtagh brothers. Kelly tells us 'the statement clearly shows how out of touch with reality the Murtagh brothers are. I clearly remember the build up to darts 97 and the heavy training Jason was doing. Then at the last minute, Mick pulled out and tricked Jason into going to the Steve Earls country and western show. Jason was a shattered man. Then in 1998, Mick left the country the weekend before the tournament depriving the tournament of stars like Brian Ross and Porky McPhatts. Real winners do not behave like this.' When asked about the level of support in Mayo for the Murtaghs, Dougie was blunt. 'Quite frankly their support is minimal. The average man on the street would support an honest lad like Karl or Dave Heaney or even Al out of sympathy. They have no support whatsoever in rural areas I can't see it getting better.' NEW ENTRANTS Amid widespread controversy, the entry of Barry Conroy was accepted the other day. Barry is seen by many as the unacceptable and ugly face of corporate Ireland and some regard his entry as a sellout for darts 99. One insider said 'Darts has always been about the common working man, now they're letting in fatcats with their sheepskin coats, it's a disgrace.' Also entering will be Neil Corcoran, younger brother of Gary Corcoran. While Barry was a useful player in his youth, he now suffers from a syndrome known as 'fat finger' syndrome. It is hard to see Barry overcoming this in the tournament but he may be a useful dark horse type. Neil has played on the tough British circuit for over ten years and is a durable compeditor who will be difficult to grind out. GUINAN SLAMS DARTS 98 Conor Guinan launched a blistering attack on the organisation of Darts 98 from a pub in the midlands the other night. He claimed 'the conditions were not condusive to good quality darts. The lighting and ventilation were poor and the choice of arrows was dreadful. I really hope they get their act together for this year.' However other compeditors have rubbished Guinan's claims. 'Darts 98 was a master stroke in organisational terms. Everything a player could ask for was supplied. It certainly was the best event I ever played in,' said Johnny the Cat Heaney. Tom Henry was even more dismissive of Guinan's claims. 'For an amateur organisation, the committee is superb. I don't know what Guinan is talking about, the arrows were excellent catering for all styles.' ANONYMOUS HERO ANSWERS KARL'S SOS Karl Heaney who was left traumitised after being attacked by a giant slug received an anonymous donation of a massive hamper of food after it was revealed he was not eating properly since the attack. Karl's darts 99 campaign is certainly back on track after this boost. A housemate of Karl's told us, 'the mystery package arrived late one Sunday night, I had never seen so much goodies in a hamper. A whole herd of cattle must have been in there,' he joked. We tracked Karl down for comment, but when we caught up with him, he was too busy tucking into a succulent mouthwatering slap-up steak meal to talk to us. CAT BLASTS BACK AT AL King of Darts, Johnny the Cat Heaney has hit back at archrival Al Heaney. The Cat told a Canadian radio station 'he calls himself Mad Al, it should be SAD Al if you ask me.' Odds March 18th Dave Heaney 9/4F Dan Grennan 7/2 Al Heaney 4/1 Tom Henry 4/1 John Heaney 5/1 Karl Heaney 6/1 Pat Ryan 8/1 Barney Johnson 9/1 Pat Kelly 10/1 Paul McGettrick 12/1 James Henry 12/1 Barry Conroy 14/1 Declan Tighe 14/1 Neil Corcoran 20/1 Vince Meyler 20/1 Mulvey 20/1 Gary Corcoran 25/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Colm Lynch 28/1 Paul Dunne 33/1 Jason Murtagh 40/1 Jimmy Styles 40/1 Steve Steamer 66/1 Soren Neilsen 66/1 Mick Murtagh 500/1 March 19th JAMES HENRY IN AMAZING ACROSS THE BOARD ATTACK James Henry last night launched an amazing attack on compeditors and the committee and sponsors alike. The unprovoked attack came as Henry had been keeping a low profile since his 'Holy War' with Colm Lynch. Top of the list of targets for James was his brother Tom, the 1997 champion. 'He's a spiv, a spoofer. He got lucky in 97, anyone could have won that. He's over in London spouting rubbish about pressure and mental toughness, well I seem to remember last year he was the first to crack. Nobody wants to listen to his rubbish talk but he still churns it out. He should shut his big mouth and start practising cos come March 28th he'll have cracked again, just like when the Cat beat him last year.' Henry's next target was the Heaney brothers. 'They're just useless - flops. If Dave gets stuck in he'd do well but he's too lazy. Al's just a fool. He was lucky to beat me last year but that won't happen again. I say fair play to the Murtagh brothers, come and play but to the Heaneys, just stay at home, you're an embarassment.' James swiped next at the organising committee and sponsors. 'What have the sponsors done for ordinary players? Naffink! The committee is shit, a sellout. Then they got a load of mug players in like Johnson, Ryan and Conroy. I say keep it to the elite, there's enough dead weight as it is.' Henry's extraordinary attack was completely unprovoked and has left commentators speechless. He surely will be a marked man come the draw with a host of players rubbing their hands to get drawn against him. Henry finished his attack with a scathing offensive on Christy Moore and St Patrick's Athletic general manager Pat Dolan. TOM HENRY IN 'DIRTY TRICKS CAMPAIGN' A newspaper source claims that Tom Henry is to attempt to cut off supplies of products from the Bass group in the run up to the event. It has been noted over the years the popularity of Bass with the Murtagh brothers. In fact so popular is Bass with the Murtaghs, that Mick's sports bag is sponsored by the Bass group. The report claims that Henry is trying to impose an EU ban on Bass using some red-tape type protocol stuff. However the reports have been dismissed out of hand as ridiculous. 'Whether the Murtagh brothers drink Bass or not isn't going to help them in any way on the big day,' a spokesman said. DAVE HEANEY IN SOBRIETY CONFESSION Big Dave Heaney, the tournament favourite has admitted to sources he has not played since he was 16 and more worryingly, he has never drank and played darts simultaneously. 'It's a worry,' said the big Mayoman, 'but sure I'll give it a go.' Bookies have not changed the odds on Dave in light of this revelation. ENTRIES CLOSED The date for entries has pretty much closed for Darts 99. March 23rd DAVE HEANEY OUT OF DARTS TOURNAMENT Darts 99 hot favourite Dave Heaney has withdrawn from the tournament. The star was beaten up by a midget assailant on Sunday night after he had spent the day drinking in Rody Bolands pub in Rathmines. The dwarf, whose identity is still unknown, pounced on Dave as he emerged from the pub and taunted Dave in a strange language. Dave tells us, 'a little fella lepped up on me back and bet the shite out of me. I was well steamed and didn't know what was going on.' When asked what the midget said to him after the beating Dave replied, 'the man said 'ehh emm seck uvv oo getten ell de ettenntion Devv. Ehh wessh ehh wess a lutt tuller.'' Clearly with Dave having cracked under pressure there was no other option but for him to pull out. The championship is now wide open with Dave Heaney out and other top stars struggling for form. HENRY BROTHERS GO TO WAR Tom Henry, on the receiving end of his brother's outbursts last week went on the offensive with a strongly worded statement 'James is a perennial loser. Some says he is the Jimmy White of the tournament, a flop. I say the only resembalence (sic) he bears to White is that he is going bald as well. He is more a John Virgo, an absolute joke, an attention seeker, trying to mask his shit poor game with contrversial (sic) outbursts, a charlatan. It's interesting that the two players he has singled out for the brunt of the attack is (sic) myself and Al. Both of us have easily beaten James in the previous two tournaments and both of us have been in the finals. We know what it's like at the top, He doesn't. His statements are just mindless thuggary (sic). As for his rantings in regards the new competitors he's a fool. The competition needs new faces and styles. I think the new boys are worthy additions and shows the Darts Committees commitment to the future and to improving the standard. James will find it hard to get by the first round. If you were to sum up James in Eurovision terms, he's Holland. Just making up the numbers and facing relegation to the pre-tournament qualification rounds next year.' James Henry was reported to be uncontrollably irate at Tom's statement and flew to London to hammer out a settlement. More news to follow on this. 'MY ILLNESS HELL' BY COLM LYNCH Colm Lynch broke down in tears last night when it was revealed that he suffers from the sickening new disease afflicting Darts players - 'Fat fingers' disease. This disease is now rife with Barry Conroy, Lynch and at least one other star suffering from the illness. Lynch broke down during a practice session with training partner Soren Neilsen when the disease became so bad he could no longer grip the dart. Neilsen told us 'It wash shad to shee Colm with shuch fat fingersh disheashe. He wash not able to pick up the dartsh.' Lynch is not undergoing treatment but vows to compete on Sunday all the same. McGETTRICK APPEAL Can someone tell McGettrick it is on at 3pm Sunday please? COMING SOON A full preview of the tournament outlining each of the stars' chances will appear on the page soon. Odds March 23rd Dan Grennan 3/1 Tom Henry 3/1 Al Heaney 4/1 John Heaney 5/1 Karl Heaney 11/2 Pat Ryan 6/1 Barney Johnson 15/2 Pat Kelly 10/1 Declan Tighe 10/1 Paul McGettrick 12/1 Barry Conroy 12/1 James Henry 14/1 Mulvey 16/1 Neil Corcoran 20/1 Vince Meyler 20/1 Gary Corcoran 25/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Paul Dunne 33/1 Colm Lynch 40/1 Jimmy Styles 40/1 Jason Murtagh 50/1 Soren Neilsen 50/1 Steve Steamer 66/1 Mick Murtagh 1000/1 March 24th SHOCK AND MYSTERY AS JAMES HENRY WITHDRAWS The darts community was clouded in mystery as good time boy James Henry withdrew from Darts 99 in a fog of mystery. Henry formally withdrew from Darts 99 last night after returning from London for talks with his brother. The talks were unsuccessful with Tom still maintaining James is a verbal thug and a loser and James refusing to withdraw his comments that Tom was lucky in 1997 and a waffling spoofer. James was also disillusioned with the organisation of the event and in particular the inclusion of a host of new entrant who Henry dubbed as 'mugs' and 'dead weights'. This angered many compeditors and irate and abusive anonymous mails were sent to the organisers. The mails were not believed to be from Barney Johnson or Pat Ryan. However James was also disgusted with a proposal from the Heaney brothers that a 'Mayo alliance' be formed between the Heaney brothers and James. The alliance would entail that compeditors from Mayo wear a straw hat with the Mayo colours, a Mayo jersey and perform lots of roaring. Before any game featuring a member of the Mayo alliance, the 1996 minor hit 'Mayo, Mayo, Sam Maguire is coming home to Mayo' would be played. Henry was disgusted with the proposal as he was keen to contest the competition as an individual. This is believed to be the camel that broke the dog's back, however the real reason is still unknown as James refused to give an explanation and said it would become clear after the event. JAMES HENRY COMPETITION Readers, submit in no more than 50 words why you think James has withdrawn from the event. The best entry judged by the Committee will receive a 5% discount voucher on the Darts 99 entry fee and all good entries will be posted here. PROF DOUGIE KELLY ON THE HENRY WALKOUT Prof Dougie Kelly, an expert on the individuals and the psychological makeup of Mayo, has offered his insight into James Henry's withdrawal from the tournament. 'There's a lot we don't know, but it's unusual. The conflict with Tom would have been mouth watering had they met and I don't think James walked away from that. But a host of Mayo people have been known to go missing on the big day. Dave Heaney has cracked under the pressure just like Jimmy Welsh did in 1997 when he was favourite and pulled out. The Murtagh brothers are another prime example. The ramifications will run and run and the impact will be felt long after the title is decided,' were Kelly's deep words. TOM HENRY FLIES IN Tom Henry landed in Cork airport this morning for the beginning of his 12 day Irish tour of which the highlight is his appearance in Darts 99. When approached, Henry refused to speak to journalists or comment on his brother's withdrawal. Tonight he will travel to Dublin where he will inspect the venue ahead of Sunday's bonanza. THE MADMAN MOVES TO DUBLIN Dan the Madman Grennan, darts tournament favourite following the withdrawal of Dave Heaney have moved to Dublin to acclimiatise before the big event. NO WILD CLAIMS OR BOASTS FROM STYLES Jimmy Styles was appraoched today for a predicition on how he would perform on Sunday. Styles replied he was preparing well and was quietly confident of a good performance. Odds March 24th Dan Grennan 5/2F Tom Henry 3/1 Al Heaney 7/2 John Heaney 5/1 Karl Heaney 11/2 Pat Ryan 6/1 Barney Johnson 13/2 Declan Tighe 8/1 Pat Kelly 10/1 Paul McGettrick 12/1 Barry Conroy 12/1 Mulvey 16/1 Vince Meyler 16/1 Neil Corcoran 20/1 Paul Dunne 20/1 Gary Corcoran 25/1 Conor Guinan 25/1 Colm Lynch 33/1 Jimmy Styles 33/1 Soren Neilsen 33/1 Jason Murtagh 50/1 Steve Steamer 100/1 Mick Murtagh 1500/1 |