Name: Sam Clampett
Age: 18 (acts a lot younger)
Appearance: Northerner with attempted smig
Sex: As often as possible
Likes: Women, Sex, Hash, Sex, Drink, Sex, Guiness, Jamestown, Sex, Croghan Inn, Ian Paisley.
Dislikes: Water, Gerry Adams, Sinn Fein, Roy O'Hara
Sam is trying to grow a smig but it consistently turns out shite. He is from Doneboggerland and a staunch Ian Paisley supporter. He likes Aberdeen and Liverpool. Poor fella.