A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's going on here?' he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. A person of average Intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh?
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb!!.
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks is she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne." "St Kilda" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you."