THE EXPERIENCE
By Donal Horgan (copyright Donal Horgan 1995)

With the opening of its new Interpretative Centre dedicated to Daniel O Connell 'The Liberator', the provincial town of Ballymore has enthusiastically embraced the era of The Leisure Society. With just one day to go before its official opening, Bobby Gillespie, the centre's dynamic manager is in a flurry of activity. Complete with all the latest marketing jargon and tourist-speak, Gillespie is busily hiring two staff members from a local employment training scheme. The official opening is to be performed by James Lambert-O Brien, a well known media personality and old friend of Gillespie's. The opening provokes mixed reactions from the two employment trainees. Deirdre Maguire, a conscientious and hardworking 19 year old, is enthusiastic about the project. On the other hand, Paul 'Suds' O Sullivan, ex-lead singer with a punk band casts a jaundiced eye over all the proceedings. The official opening brings its share of farce and comedy and raises more than a few questions about the merits of "The Leisure Society'.

cast

Bobby Gillespie
The enthusiastic manager of the new Interpretative Centre. As well as seeing himself as a highpowered executive, also fancies himself as a man of the arts. Has a decidedly maudlin view of all history. Likes to see himself as a confidant of James Lambert-O Brien.

Deirdre Maguire
19 year old. Has been on a succession of employment and training schemes. Remains idealistic and hardworking. Comes to 'The Experience' hoping to give it her best.

Paul 'Suds' O Sullivan
At 23, Suds is already a veteran of training and employment schemes. Ex-lead singer with the now defunct punk band 'The Crash'. More attuned to the historical nuances of Elvis Presley than to Irish history. Comes complete with green spiked hair and leather gear.

Workman
Middle-aged caretaker of 'The Experience' as well as its self-appointed moral guardian. Has a decidedly negative view of all young people. Drole sense of humour.

James Lambert-O Brien
The man selected to perform the official opening. Columnist with a leading Dublin newspaper. Has just discovered latent poetic talent and is shamelessly engaged in promoting his first poetry collection. Something of a society cad in search of the eternal junket.

Scene 1: One day to go before the official opening of The Daniel O Connell Experience. Manager Bobby Gillespie is busily putting the finishing touches to the exhibits. These consist of a somewhat stiff and lifeless model of The Liberator (complete with wig and cloak) and the centre's prize exhibit - Daniel O Connell's boot! Other relics of the past such as a plough and an old spinning wheel lie abandoned in different corners. Overhead, a large banner proclaims:

WELCOME TO THE EXPERIENCE
Freefone 1800 - 1916

(Workman busy at work, hammers, drills etc.)

Bobby:(smartly dressed, adopting the stressed demeanour of a top executive impatiently dials a number on his mobile phone)
Yes..... Employment Centre... this is Bobby Gillespie from The Experience, I'd like to speak to Frank Cunningham.

(Impatiently fidgets with calculator)
Damn music, who wants to listen to Greensleeves at a time like this.

Workman:Mr. Gillespie, where would you like me to put the stiff?

Bobby:(Increasingly agitated)
Stiff! Let me remind you my good man that you are carrying a likeness of Daniel O Connell, The Liberator without whom you'd still be running around like some wild savage spearing pigs for supper. Come to think of it, maybe that mightn't be such a bad thing. Put him down there .... no not there... that's reserved for ....
(suddenly getting back to the phone)
Ah Frank, Bobby here. Good, very good. It's full steam ahead on this side. Executive stress, there's nothing like it for a good night's sleep, that's what I say. How's the stomach ulcer? Good, good. Now about those two trainees ... ah excellent, excellent. Just let me note those names (reaching for pen and paper) Mr. Paul O Sullivan and Ms. Deirdre Maguire. I'll look forward to seeing them, send them round straight away. Cheerio.

Bobby:(in a raised tone) Careful with that model! Yes .... over there. Now I want the lighting set directly overhead.

Workman:Anything you say Mr. Gillespie. Now what would you like me to do with this old boot?

Bobby:Old boot! Need I remind you that that is an original boot belonging to Daniel O Connell?

Workman:Well, it doesn't look as if he's going to need it now.

(telephone ringing)
Bobby:The Daniel O Connell Experience, Bobby Gillespie speaking.
Ah James, so nice of you to call. Everything is proceeding along just fine. We're all so looking forward to your official opening tomorrow.
How to get here? You mean you can't remember where Ballymore is? (Laughing in jest)

(loud knock on door)
Bobby:Come!
(the two new employment trainees enter and look around in bewilderment at the exhibits while Bobby continues his telephone conversation) Now where was I..... ah yes, James are you still there? I'll pick you up off the 12 o clock train. That usually arrives in Ballymore at 1.30. Yes I know, that's life in the provinces for you. Might I suggest some light refreshments at The Ballymore Arms Hotel before we get down to the business of the day. Excellent! I'll look forward to seeing you. And do bring a copy of your new poetry collection with you. Good. Until tomorrow.

Bobby:(Turning to the two trainees) Now how can I help you?

Suds: We're from the training centre.

Workman:(urgent shout) Mr. Gillespie...He's falling...Big Dan is keeling over.....

Bobby:Quick everybody...catch him...

(frantic dash by everyone to the other side of the stage followed by heaving and panting as they struggle with the model)

Bobby:Yes...Hold him...You....catch his arm.

Workman:I have him by the head Mr. Gillespie, he isn't going to go anywhere.

Bobby:Good, good.....now you come around this side..that's it...

Suds: Now I know why they called him Big Dan...this guy weighs a ton....

Bobby:Quick, save the boot.

Deirdre:Yes, it's a priceless national treasure.

Suds: Looks like a boot to me.

Workman:Oh no, Mr. Gillespie says that's Daniel O Connell's boot.

Bobby:Never mind the chat.....now help me to set the model upright again.

(lots of pushing and panting)

Bobby:That's it...just a little bit to the right. Excellent! Well done everyone. (sigh of relief)

Suds: We're from the Training Centre. Mr. Cunningham sent us.

Bobby:Ah, our facilitators, our animateurs. Excellent! May I formally welcome you both to The Experience. You must be Paul. (shakes hands)

Suds: Well no, Suds actually. Ex-lead singer with Primal Scream.

Workman:(interjecting) Suds...Maybe that explains what happened to your hair...you forgot to wash the green shampoo out of it...

Suds: (angrily) That's the way it's supposed to be...spiked hair is part of what I am. Free expression and all that thing, man.

Bobby:Now, now gentlemen, lets have some decorum.

Workman:And look at that gear you're wearing. I suppose that's part of your free expression outfit as well. Young people.

Bobby:Please! Please! Let us remember that we are within the hallowed walls of an Interpretative Centre, a great hall of culture where young and old can meet to sup the nectar of learning and civilization. And if we have within our midst people who dress and behave in an .... er ......unconventional, even anti-social way...our role is to set these people straight by showing them the splendour of a bygone age.

Deirdre:...the nectar of learning...what a lovely idea..

Bobby:Why thank you. And you must be Deirdre. I can see that you are a shrewd and erudite young woman, a credit to any employment scheme.

Now before we talk about your uniforms, let me give you a guided tour of The Experience.
(speaking in a suitably solemn raised voice) Come! Come! Carpenters, workmen, journeymen, employment scheme trainees, gather round and hear my story.

( sound of taperecorder being pressed, sound of Bobby's voice speaking in a slow, hypnotic drone)
Wel-come to The Dan-iel O Conn-ell Ex-per-ience. Trav-el back in time to an-other era. See for your-self Dan's traditional big boot. For further details of our products and services, freefone 1800 - 1916. Have a nice day.

Bobby:(adopting a dramatic pose) I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to this, the first guided tour of The Daniel O Connell Experience, Ballymore's first and only visitor
centre. And as we say in Ballymore, Cead Mile Failte....a hundred thousand welcomes.
Now friends, follow me as I lead you into another era.

(Bobby leads audience to O Connell model as if in some hypnotic trance)

Bobby:Yes friends....travel back in time to...the age of O Connell. Close your eyes...travel back....travel back. The year is 1829.....it is a late October evening....we are at one of The Liberator's Monster Meetings....smells....we are surrounded by a wretched peasantry who, I regret to say, are unaware of the phenomenon of body odour...we hear voices.....yes in the distance booms the voice of The Liberator....we can see a distant figure on a hillside...yes it is him....
(as if suddenly coming out of the trance)
Open your eyes....feast yourself on this fine reproduction of The Liberator. Yes, fellow devotees of The Experience, no expense has been spared in bringing history back to life. Note the vigorous growth of hair and the flowing cloak. Not forgetting of course the centre's prize exhibit. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as children we were all aware of the mystery of Daniel O Connell's missing boot. Leaving one of his monster meetings, Big Dan's boot became stuck in the wretched mud. O Connell looked for it but could not find it. Ever since, historians, palaeontologists, archaeologists, halfwits, crackpots and even bird watchers have been searching for it but without success. But now, it gives me great pleasure to tell you that in this glass case on my right you can see that same boot, preserved for grateful future generations and customers of The Experience.

(audible gasp by audience as they crowd around in wonder)

Bobby:Yes marvel at the boot. Note the intricate stitching and toe marks of a traditional 19th century boot. Yes, this boot is part of what we are.
And that concludes our tour of The Experience. Before you go, why not browse through some of our traditional Liberator merchandise and souvenirs. Have a nice day.

(applause from audience)

Bobby:Now that's the way to conduct a tour if I may say so myself. I have your uniforms ready for you. (passing around green uniforms) They're imaginative creations of my own which reflect the spirit and age of The Liberator.
(Suds and Deirdre put on uniforms)

Deirdre:(in amazement)But they're green!

Suds: (cynically)No they're not - they're bright green! Hea-vy Man. I just hope they're not radioactive!(laughing loudly)

Deirdre:But Mr. Gillespie you don't expect us to wear these? And what about these hats? They're awful. We'll look more like Darby O Gill and the little people.

Workman:(laughing) But sure the paying public must get value for money!

Bobby:Silence. Please, do I have to remind you all that we are within the hallowed walls of an Interpretative Centre. We must dedicate ourselves totally to the cause of...(slight pause) The Experience. And besides, we've got some excellent heritage product to shift. (manicly showing off products) Traditional Liberator tea-towels, tea-cosies and aprons, exclusive Liberator beer mat collections and of course not forgetting, from the home of the whopper, our famous traditional 100% pure beef McLiberator 1/4 pounder. Yes, employment trainees, this could be the start of something big....branded labels, national franchises, stock flotations, .....

Bobby:(in the style of an American football team) Now team, quickly gather round and form a circle. What do we want?

All: PRODUCT!

Bobby:What do we have?

All: PRODUCT!

Bobby:What do we sell?

All: PRODUCT!

All Together:PRODUCT! PRODUCT! PRODUCT!

Bobby:Excellent, excellent. That's the spirit Team Experience. Now I'll just pop out to make some final arrangements for tomorrow's grand opening to be performed by my good friend James Lambert-O Brien. You do, of course, know about our little pageant to mark the opening. (Modestly) It's a little something I wrote myself....just a little sketch mind you, nothing major. Although I must say....I am... eh...quite proud of my literary efforts.

(sheets of paper being handed out)
Bobby:While I am out you can go over your lines. I have marked your parts. I will, of course, direct as well as narrating and playing the part of Daniel O Connell. (moving towards door) And by the way Suds, I must remind you that green spiked hair, nose rings and that black cow hide you insist on wearing, do not constitute the mode of dress of a typical peasant of 19th century Ireland.

Deirdre:Is he gone?

Suds: Man, what a headbanger.

Deirdre:God! Just look at this uniform.

Suds: You usually get crazies running these schemes. On my last scheme the gaffer was big into re-birthing. Just imagine, while you're cleaning up a graveyard of all places.

Deirdre:Suds, were you really in a punk band?

Suds: Ya, the world will never forget Primal Scream.

Deirdre:And were you really the lead singer?

Suds: Ya, Suds O Sullivan, lead singer and front man, that's me.

Deirdre:So what's the lead singer with Primal Scream doing on an employment training scheme?

Suds: I'm glad you asked me that question. We had an artistic difference of opinion with our manager.

Deirdre:Oh really.

Suds: Well actually the little cretin ran off with all our gear after a gig one night. Really set us back.

Workman:(from a distance) Heah! You'd better buck up in there. It looks like you've got customers.

Suds: Oh Jaysus. This is it. I'll be finished if anyone sees me in this gear.

Deirdre:Don't worry Suds, I don't think anyone from the Primal Scream fan club is likely to be checking out The Daniel O Connell Experience.

Suds: You deal with them. I need to beef up on my Irish history before I'm ready for my first tour.
(German visitors enter with cameras and guide books)

Visitors:Good afternoon. Vee are here to see Herr O Connell.

Deirdre:Yes...and may I extend to you a... Cead Mile Failte, a hundred thousand welcomes on your arrival to The Daniel O Connell Experience.

Visitors:Vere gut.

Deirdre:(urgently) Suds, I mean Paul..... would you stop hiding behind that model and man the reception desk.

Suds: Only doing some research, Deirdre. Everything is under control.

Visitors:(on suddenly seeing Suds) O ya, very interesting.

Suds: Music maestro!
( Suds presses taperecorder and we hear Bobby Gillespie's drole voice):
Wel-come to The Dan-iel O Conn-ell Ex-per-ience. Trav-el back in time to an-other era. See for your-self Dan's traditional big boot. For further details of our products and services, freefone 1800 - 1916. Have a nice day.

Deirdre:(confident tone)The town of Ballymore is proud to honour Daniel O Connell, one of the great characters of Irish history. Born in 1775, Daniel O Connell was called to the bar in 1798 becoming one of the first catholics to enter the legal profession. O Connell organised a series of monster meetings and eventually succeeded in winning catholic emancipation in 1829. In recognition of this achievement, Daniel O Connell became known as The Liberator. After winning catholic emancipation, O Connell turned his energies towards the repeal of the union between Ireland and Britain. However, he failed in this political objective and died in 1847.

Visitors:Very interesting.

Suds: (From the reception)You're playing a blinder, Deirdre. Go - for -it!

Deirdre:On my right you will see a glass case containing a boot. This priceless national treasure is Daniel O Connell's boot.

Visitors:(gather round in amazement, taking photographs) Ah, so this is the missing boot.

Deirdre:This boot was worn by The Liberator at several of his Monster Meetings. As you can see, the boot is now kept under lock and key in this sealed glass case for security purposes. Now that concludes this tour. If you have any questions I will be happy to answer them.

(German visitors start to leave)
Visitor:On behalf of my group I vould like to say how much vee enjoyed our visit here today.

Deirdre:You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed your visit.

Suds: Ya, have a nice day and all that stuff.

Deirdre:Suds! They'll hear you.

Suds: That was a real blinder Deirdre. But tell us, did you make much of it up?

Deirdre:(in amazement) Make it up! Of course not. I love history. Why do you think I'm on this training scheme?

Suds: Oh yeah, training scheme. I was beginning to forget about that........Primal Scream what a gig. You should have heard us live. We were electric! Mind you the music critics didn't think so. I can still remember our review in Melody Maker: "Primal Scream need help, period". Not very nice was it. Fortunately, I'm not of a sensitive disposition.

Workman:(from afar)Visitors approaching from 12 o clock!

Suds: That guy should be on a radar employment scheme.

(American visitors approach)
Deirdre:Now Suds, you do this tour. I'll look after the reception.

Suds: Why can't they all just go for a holiday and enjoy themselves.

Deirdre:Don't worry you'll be fine.

Visitor:Excuse me young man. Is this "The Experience"?

Suds: Ya.....sort of...
(sound of loud click followed by Bobby taped message)
Wel-come to The Dan-iel O Conn-ell Ex-per-ience. Trav-el back in time to an-other era. See for your-self Dan's traditional big boot. For further details of our products and services, freefone 1800 - 1916. Have a nice day.

Suds: Ah that was a message from our sponsors......just follow me and I'll give you all the low down.
(visitors dutifully follow Suds to exhibits)

Suds: (hesitantly at first) ah....I'd like to welcome you all to ...ah....what's his face.....ah...The Daniel O Donnell Experience...ah...one of the most important figures in Ireland's musical history...ah....(awkward silence)....It was a hot sweltering day in 1975 when the King hit town....Wee Daniel got off a Greyhound Bus in Memphis, Tennesse........All he had was a guitar and his blue suede shoes, see....so he goes looking for a gig right, but he couldn't get one because the promoters didn't want to know him....right...finally he got a call from a bar and got his gig. And as they say folks, the rest is history.....he formed a band called "The Liberators" and started pulling crowds to these monster gigs...ya, real mega...he shot to number 1 in the charts and stayed there for 6 weeks. After that nothing could stop "The Liberators"....sex, drugs, rock n' roll, interviews with Melody Maker, you name it they did it. Yeah...you guessed it, like all the best rock stars tragedy struck and The Liberators were killed in plane crash while having a drugs overdose. Real sad, eh.....
Now if you look at this glass box you'll see one of those blue suede shoes that Daniel O Donnell was wearing when he hit Memphis on that day in 1975. And if you look real close you can see the scorch marks from the plane crash.
Visitors:(crowding round the case in amazement, camera flashes)Say! Look at those scorch marks. Wait until I tell the guys back home about this!

Suds: And that concludes our tour. (round applause which suddenly makes Suds think that he is back on stage) Thank you! Thank you! (gesturing with imaginary microphone) And on behalf of Primal Scream I'd like to thank you all for being such a great audience. We say stuff the critics especially the one from Melody Maker! This is Suds O Sullivan and Primal Scream saying goodnight and goodbye. Thank you! Thank you!
(visitors looking somewhat bewildered move towards door)

Visitor:(in a puzzled tone) So where's the piano George? Piano? No honey, you've got it wrong. That was Liberace, this guy was called The Liberator. Oh, now I see....

Suds: You know, I think I could get to like this.

Deirdre:You certainly have a creative approach to history.

(workman enters with keys)
Workman:I don't think they'll be back in a hurry. Yourself and your Screamers. Young people...yee're all the same. Time to lock up.

Suds: Day 1 down. By ny calculations that leaves another 89 days before we all go back on the dole.

Deirdre:Suds, don't forget your script for tomorrow's pageant. I'm sure Mr. Gillespie would be disappointed if you left it behind you.

Suds: Ya, so would my friends. What else would we all do for a laugh in the pub tonight?
(characters move towards door, voices fade)

Deirdre:I'll see you tomorrow Suds.

Suds: Ya, see you.

Scene 2: The following morning, punk music blaring through the PA system of a deserted Interpretative Centre. Suds sits alone at the reception desk enjoying the music before the arrival of the others.

Deirdre:(straining to make herself heard) Suds! Suds!

Suds: (looking surprised) What'?

Deirdre:What's the big idea? Turn it down, turn it down.

Suds: (suddenly turning down the music)Just testing the PA system for today's opening gig. The good news is that it's A1.

Deirdre:That's great to hear. Now how about helping me with these boxes. Mr. Gillespie asked me to get some cheese and wine for the opening.

(helping with boxes)
Suds: This stuff is too good to waste on those toffs. How about a nice romantic dinner for two? Eh.

Deirdre:Thanks for the invitation Suds but forget it until after the opening. Now quick, here come some of the guests.

(guests start to arrive, sip wine politely and examine the exhibits paying particular attention to the boot. Suds and Deirdre continue setting out drinks.)
Deirdre:Any sign of Mr. Gillespie yet Suds?

Suds: No not a sign. I bet he's gone on the piss with that geezer who is doing the opening. What's his name?.......(putting on upper class accent) James Lambert-O Brien. He must be a cousin of the baker... what's his name...Johnson Mooney and O Brien. Oh wait. Now I see the pair of them. They're just after leaving the Ballymore Arms and heading this way.

Deirdre:O.K. stay calm. Set out the smoked salmon and pour out some more wine.

James Lambert-O Brien:(making a flamboyant entry in the company of Bobby) Oh I hate those bungalows!

Bobby:(picking up the rear) Quite! Totally lacking in aesthetic appeal, I agree.

James:(suddenly taking in the interior) Oh! what a delightful display. Magnificent! Bravo Bobby, Bravo!

Bobby:Oh James, you're too kind. Here, have some refreshments before we get down to the real business of the day. A full day's work was never done on an empty stomach.

James: Oh I shouldn't really, not after such fine fare at The Ballymore Arms. But as they say, "At the table no one grows old". (Hearty laugh)

Suds: (mutters)No, they just grow fat.

(buzz of conversation starts to rise in background)
James:Ah, the grape, the noble grape. Let me see.........excellent vintage....superior wine to the plonk one usually gets at launches........Oh Bacchus, why do you tempt me thus. (More pensively) Yes, full-bodied, rounded........ a little dry but still .....nothing that can't be cured by another glass.....eh.

Deirdre:(urgently) I think you'd better get this opening underway quickly otherwise James Lambert-O Brien won't be capable of opening the fire exit door.

Bobby:Hmm...Very well...Right, Attention! Attention please!
(conversation dies off)
Distinguished guest, ladies and gentlemen, employment trainees. It is indeed a great honour for me to welcome you all here today on this auspicious occasion. This is indeed an historic day in the life of Ballymore, a day which sees the official opening of its new Interpretative Centre. We stand on the precipice of a new era. Friends, the era to which I refer to is the leisure society. We are fortunate to live in an age when technology has freed us from the chores and drudgery of mundane life. Yes, it has freed us to contemplate the finer things in life:art, literature, culture, history. Today, Ballymore has come of age with the opening of The Daniel O Connell Experience. And here to officially open The Experience is James Lambert-O Brien, media personality, man of letters and bon viveur. James needs no introduction. He is, of course, best known as a columnist with a leading Dublin weekly. Of late, James has discovered a latent poetic talent and I'm delighted to say that his first collection, "An Embarrassment of Riches" has been well received in artistic circles. Without further adieu, I call on James Lambert-O Brien to say a few words.

(polite clapping)
James:Thank you, thank you......you are so kind. I must say what a great honour and privilege it is for me to be with you today for the formal opening of The Daniel O Connell Experience. Ballymore has always had a special in my heart. Travelling in the provinces, there is no sight that lifts the heart more than that sign outside the town which says "Ballymore, pop. 956 welcomes you". Yes, Ballymore has always been a home from home for the tired and hungry traveller. And now with the opening of The Experience, Ballymore can offer far more than mere food and drink...nay, Ballymore can now offer the tired wayfarer food and drink for the mind as well. Yes, dear friends this is a great hall of culture where the traveller can feast himself on the rich treasures of Ballymore's past.
On a more serious note, Bobby was kind enough to mention my new poetry collection "An Embarrassment of Riches" which was recently published. As the train pulled into Ballymore station this morning, I was struck by the parallels between the life of O Connell and that of my own. The Liberator too had to overcome great adversity in his life. This poem "Fate, Is this thy hand?" was inspired by such circumstances. As a struggling young actor in the 1960's I was reduced to playing the part of a beastly Christian Brother in a production which shall remain nameless. Returning to my lonely Rathmines bedsitter each night, I was beset by artistic self-doubt and angst. Yes, those were days of great hardship and despair.

(clears throat)

Fate, Is This Thy Hand?
Cold.
Winter grips the city.
Pacing the floorboards
in my flatlands cell.
Alone.
Last night's dinner sits
on the draining board.
Cold.
Upstairs an insomniac musician
is undergoing a mid-life crisis.
Alone.
Another plate of beans
lies encrusted and decaying.
Cold.
Oh humble bean,
art thou really immortal?
Another can of Spam,
Fate, is this thy hand?

(somewhat indifferent clapping from the crowd)
Bobby:(clapping loudly)Superb James! What pathos! What an insight into the human condition!

James:Thank you. You've been such a good audience.

Bobby:And after that, all that remains to be done is to start the pageant. Team members take your places. Let the pageant begin!

(Suds(Sean-Peats), Deirdre(girlfriend) and Workman(old man Dooley) take up positions)
Bobby:(full of self-importance, narrating)The year is 1835. It is a dark and overcast November evening. Storm clouds gather on the horizon, warning of impending doom. The Dooley family are gathered on a windswept hillside close to their mud cabin. Old man Dooley rises to his feet as he sees his son Sean-Peats approaching.

Workman:(dressed in brown workcoat) Faith and begorrah, it looks like rain. And bedad if that doesn't look like young Sean-Peats and his girlfriend approaching. Top of the morning to yee!

Suds: Top of the morning to you too.

Deirdre:And the top of the morning to you too Old man Dooley.

Suds: And the top of the morning.....

Deirdre:(urgent whisper) Next line Suds.

Suds: How are the praties pop?

Workman:How many times have I asked you not to call me pop? That's young people for you with their loud ceili music.

Deirdre:We were at the monster meeting and we saw O Connell himself.

Suds: Ya...mega gig man!

Workman:And where have yee been since? That meeting finished ages ago. I'll tell you where...sipping poitin in some seibin and we all know what that leads to.... a bit of how's your father behind some convenient reek of turf. Oh yes...that's young people for you with their free expression.....and their sex and their drugs and their rock n' roll. And tell me now have yee ever heard of a thing called Aids, the wrath of God....yes with all yer condoms and gadgets yee're not all that smart at all..... comely maidens at crossroads how are you!

Bobby:(sudden interjection while workman continues in background) Cease you confounded idiot. You've singlehandedly wrecked my pageant. (trying to regain composure) Now, thank you ladies and gentlemen. May I apologise for the somewhat premature end to the pageant.... a certain member of the cast appears to have taken a rather liberal interpretation of my script.
However, let us proceed to the next stage of the festivities......the ceili. Let the dance begin.(Suds, Deirdre, Bobby and Workman take their positions. Ceili music begins and the four dance while the invited guests look on appreciatively. James watches sheepishly from the sidelines while continuing to eat and drink. When the set finishes, there is an appreciative round of applause.)

Bobby:Come everybody, take the floor. Come James, join with us.

James:(looking somewhat distressed) Of course. You really are so kind. Traditional music has to be my favourite music. I can never resist a good ceili.
(music for next set begins. James quickly tires of the whole thing and is puffing and panting by the time the set ends.)

Bobby:(in raptures)Ah yes, the thrill of the accordion as its melodious sound surges through the body. And the fiddle, who could possibly be unaware of the fiddle as it weaves its intricate pattern and casts its magic spell.

James:(tired and exhausted)Quite! I couldn't agree more myself.

Bobby:And the bodhran with its dark pagan sounds connecting us to our origins. The beat of a stick on goatskin, what could be more primitive?

James:(growing exceedingly tired of the whole affair) Nothing, I assure you nothing could be more primitive than this.

Bobby:And yet, when I hear that deep resonating sound as it hip hops along, embellishing the sound of the accordion in the same way a fine diamond embellishes gold, then I know and appreciate the true value of culture.

James:(anxious to leave) Precisely my own sentiments on the matter. Oh good heavens, it's that time already. How time flies when one is enjoying oneself. I had better dash if I want to make the Dublin train.

Bobby:I'll walk you to the train.

James:Oh you shouldn't really. (Turning to leave) Ah dear Ballymore must I leave thee. Until we meet again, farewell.

Bobby:Team, maintain your positions and continue the dancing at all costs. And for Christ's sake, sell! sell! sell! (exits running to catch up with James)

James:(moving off stage) The stars.....what is the stars....
(music recommences as Suds and Deirdre dance. The guests start to file away. Discarded paper cups etc from the reception litter the ground.)

Suds: (out of breath) Phew......They never told me I'd have to have be a 1500m gold medalist in order to qualify for this training scheme.

Deirdre:(out of breath)So tell us Suds....where did you learn to dance like that?

Suds: I'm one of those angelic little children with 478 medals on the mantlepiece for Irish dancing who grows up to be a punk rocker. Sounds like every parents nightmare?

Deirdre:The opening went well - apart from the pageant that is - (laughter)

Suds: Ya, did you see that old geezer blowing his lid? Condoms, Aids and the wrath of God. (laughter)

Deirdre:And the good news is that the boot is safe and sound - preserved for grateful future generations and customers as Mr. Gillespie would put it.

Suds: It's just an old boot you know.

Deirdre:Well not really, it is a national treasure.

Suds: Ya, but it's still an old boot. Useless just like the rest of the junk in this place.

Deirdre:Oh Suds, where's your feeling for the past?

Suds: The past? It's over. I'm more interested in the future. Ya, I was thinking of getting the band together again. Do a few gigs, cut a demo. Who knows we might get a lucky break this time. Besides, it beats this lark.

Deirdre:If that's what you want Suds. Me? I think I'm going to give this a try.

Suds: Good for you Deirdre. I think I'll give the boys a ring.
(Suds starting to remove uniform)
You'll return this to Mr. Gillespie for me.

Deirdre:Ya, sure.

Suds: You can tell him to keep it for his Hall of Fame featuring The Crash. Well, come to think of it, maybe we need a new name, a new image. How about The Liberators? Ya, Suds and The Liberators. Its got an ethnic vibe man. Tell Gillespie I'm holding on to his gear. I reckon we can't fail dressed like this.
(Suds moves towards exit)

Suds: See you around Deirdre.

Deirdre:Ya, sure. See you around.

END