The Way We Live Now
Donal Horgan

Copyright Donal Horgan 1997




Wayne Kitch, radio presenter and aspiring media personality, is again hosting his lifestyles radio programme The Way We Live Now. The venue for this week's programme is The Mega Munch, a fast food outlet and resting place for Eddie and Joy, a dysfunctional social misfit and homeless bag lady respectively.

Wayne's troubles are only beginning when he discovers that Dorothy, his producer, distraught over the death of her dog Bubbles, has mislaid his entire playlist. However, this is only the prelude to Wayne's misfortunes: a disastrous on-air competition combined with petty in-house jealousies sees his career as a media personality unravel in spectacular fashion on-air. This inglorious collapse reveals some uncomfortable truths not alone about Wayne's past but also about the nature of contemporary society.

The Way We Live Now is a commentary on our times containing a ragbag of disparate elements shot through with references to agony aunts, bungy jumping, mysterious circles in wheat fields and the Eurovision Song Contest amongst other things.



Wayne Kitch:
The precocious young media starlet whose struggling radio career looks like crash landing with his lifestyles road show "The Way We Live Now". Wayne is petulant, self-seeking and blind to the needs of all except his own ego. 20-30 years of age, smartly dressed.

Wayne's motherly radio producer who spends as much time nursing Wayne's bruised ego as she does producing. Devoted to alternative lifestyles and any number of quack theories on spirituality and medicine. With the death of her dog Bubbles, Dorothy is plunged into crisis and is finding it hard to concentrate on her duties as Wayne's producer. Middle-aged, from the south of England, wearing glasses/bi-focals.

Not quite a down and out in the classic sense, more like someone living on the edge of settled society. Exhibits dysfunctional behaviour - paces back and forth on stage giving the impression of someone on medication of some sort. 20-30 years of age, pale and gaunt look. Wearing cheap white runners and sports coat which have an strangely unco-ordinated look about them.

Homeless bag lady who carries all her material possessions in a shopping trolley. Overdressed, wearing a heavy coat and hat etc. Constantly flicking through an old photo album as if trying to remember.

Waitress/manageress and general dogsbody of The Mega Munch fast food outlet. Also reigning Miss Mega Munch and runner up in the Miss Santa Ponza contest. Distracted and dizzy.

Ronnie Savage:
Middle class female, 20-30 years of age, dressed in track suit. Stumbles into Wayne's Free Giveaway Competition while in search of a phone. Intolerant of Wayne's oversized ego, e numbers and even the decor of The Mega Munch.



Scene 1:

Interior of The Mega Munch fast food outlet. Some tables and chairs. A table containing a microphone and some electrical equipment in preparation for a live radio programme.


Wayne:(impatiently taking off headphones and standing up)
Dorothy......Dorothy........ will you get in here please.....?

Yes dear.....

We're on air in 5 minutes...and I can't find my C.D.'s said you'd pack them.....

Yes honey-bun....they're over there just where Dorothy left them for Waynie-baby.

Wayne:How many times have I told you - don't call me "Waynie-baby"...

Sharon: (enters out of breath)
It's Wayne! ......oh my God I can't believe it's Wayne....... Wayne Kitch.....

Wayne: (a quiet smile of satisfaction)
You see......I am a media personality....

Sharon: I'm Sharon. Mr. McGovern probably told you about me. I'm the manageress of The Mega Munch....well that's something of an understatement because I'm also the cook, the waitress and the wash up. That's old McGovern for you, stingy as a beggar's flea.
(suddenly becoming conscious of the radio equipment)
Oh my God - are we on air? Did anyone ever tell you that you're smaller than you sound on radio.....

Wayne: (face drops in disappointment) do realise that we need 3 stiffs for our Mega Munch Free Giveaway Competition?

Dorothy: (authoritatively)
2 minutes to air.

Wayne: (aggrieved)
Dorothy....I just said that we need 3 stiffs for our Mega Munch Free Giveaway Competition. You're producing this programme - so where are they?

Sharon: (approaching with notepad)
Wayne ....Mr. McGovern said you could have a Mega Munch Meal Deal on the house.

Wayne: (feigning politeness)
Not just now dear....

Dorothy: 30 seconds to air. Cue intro. music.

Wayne: Dorothy..... are you listening ....I just said we need 3 stiffs for our Mega Munch Free Giveaway.

Sharon: (Intro. music rising in background, Sharon persists)
Wayne love, how about some kangaroo nuggets with regular fries?

Wayne: (exasperated, puts on headphones)
Just go away dear. I've a radio show to do.

(music fades signalling start of programme, Wayne, turning to audience, is instantly transformed into a confident radio presenter)

This is Wayne Kitch on The Way We Live Now, the lifestyles programme for and about your lifestyle. And today we're coming to you live from The Mega Munch, home of the tasty meal deal umh.......

As usual, we'll be bringing you the best of music, chat, free giveaway competitions and of course Wayne's Agony Page. Yes folks, Wayne Kitch the Agony Aunt with balls!
(Explosion of forced laughter)
Who writes this stuff...?

And today's mega star prize in our Free Giveaway Competition is one year's free supply of Mega Munch food products. Yes folks! I'll say that again for everybody out there in FM stereo-land - one year's supply of Mega Munch Meal Deals. But remember - if you wanna win you gotta get in and meet your old friend Wayne Kitch here at The Mega Munch, home of the tasty meal deal!

(Eddie enters sheepishly wearing walkman headphones and carrying a plastic shopping bag. On entering he gives Wayne the thumbs up sign. A look of horror immediately comes over Wayne's face. While nervously eyeing Eddie he tries desperately to regain his composure)

Yes......ahhh .... now that I'm feeling a little peckish, I think I'll try a Mega Munch Meal Deal. Let me see.....
(deliberately making sound effects with empty paper bag, followed by munching sound effects)
Ummmm...... so tasty... and boy do those Mega Munch Chicken Nuggets taste good....

(Eddie on hearing this on his headphones moves forward and looks incredulously at Wayne. He taps his headphones in disbelief. He continues to view Wayne from different angles as if straining to recognise an old friend))

Umm... so tasty so good and remember - all Mega Munch meat products contain at least 10% meat.

O.K. .... O.K. because you listeners out there are slow in rushing in here to take part in our Free Giveaway Competition, Dorothy my producer has agreed to give a Mega Munch Meal Deal coupon to each of the first 10 people who rush in to meet me here live at The Mega Munch.

(Short pause as Wayne, Dorothy and Eddie all look expectantly towards door)

Wayne: Yes folks I'll say that again..... a Mega Munch Meal Deal coupon free to each of the first 10 people who rush in and meet Wayne Kitch on The Way We Live Now.

(From afar we hear the squeal of a wheel as Joy enters pushing a shopping trolley containing all her earthly possessions. She is also wearing Walkman headphones and gives Wayne the thumbs up sign. Wayne and Dorothy look at each other in disbelief. Wayne struggles to continue)

Ah.....let me see...and now a news update: According to news reports, scientists claim to have established a link between mysterious circles in wheat fields and falling male sperm counts.

We'll be back in a moment with lots of music, chat and of course our Mega Munch Free Giveaway Competition - but first let's hear it from Big Audio Dynamite. The Way We Live Now - because we care.

(Music rises in background. Off-air, Wayne jumps up and rips off headphones.)

Wayne: (Angrily pointing to Eddie and Joy)
Dorothy, what kind of a joke is this?

Eddie: (pacing back and forth, searching for recognition)
I'm sure I've seen you somewhere........

Dorothy: (Her mind on other things)
Of course... now it makes sense.....

Wayne: (Not even acknowledging Eddie's comment)
Dorothy are you listening to me?

Eddie: You're Dickie Rock's brother. That's it! Did anyone ever tell you that you're the head off your brother? Maybe you are Dickie Rock?
(extends hand but is ignored)

Dorothy: (mystically)
Circles in wheat fields and falling male sperm counts.....of course Wayne ...why didn't anyone think of that before?

Joy: (Sitting at table, leafing through tattered photo album as if straining to remember)
Oh to have a little house....

Wayne: (impatiently)
Dorothy are you listening to me?

Eddie: You know, Joy is a great one for pictures but's words for me. You see this bag.
(holding plastic bag aloft)
It's full of words .... little scraps of paper you'd find thrown away in litter bins, bus stops...places like that. When you think about it really, words are funny things .... no more than little squiggles on paper.....
(starts rummaging in plastic bag)
Hey Dickie!
(Sharon enters and commences to serve Eddie and Joy)

Wayne: (snaps)
Don't call me Dickie. I'm Wayne.....Wayne Kitch.
(switches attention once again to Dorothy)

Dorothy are you listening to me? Forget all this alternative crap. I said I need three contestants for my Free Giveaway Competition? I mean, for Christ's sake, this is national radio. Surely you can do better than these two lower forms of street life?
(Pointing disparagingly at Eddie and Joy)

Sharon: Wayne love.... can I get you anything?

Wayne: Not just now dear.
(suddenly inspired and turning to Eddie)
Ah...Mr. .... eh....

Eddie: Just call me Eddie and this is Joy.

Wayne: Yes....ah..... Eddie. about you and your friend taking a long walk until my programme finishes?

Eddie: Well you see ...we're only just after getting here.. we've been walking around all morning...

Wayne: (hopefully)
I might just happen to have 10 spare Mega Munch Meal Deal coupons here somewhere...

Eddie: (suddenly stops searching in plastic bag)
Found it! Let me see....

(commences to read in a slow labourious voice)
DUNNES STORES BETTER VALUE BEATS THEM ALL......sorry, wrong side.......that's the trouble with these check-out slips....
I found that at a bus stop.......I wonder who wrote it....

Wayne: (hopefully)
I might just be able to lay my hands on 15 Mega Munch Meal Deal coupons and I'll throw in some kangaroo nuggets as well...

Eddie: Well it's like this - for 20 coupons Joy might be able to wheel her trolley around the block a few times but me, I'm staying put....

Wayne: Done. Now get her out of here.
(hands over coupons. Joy gets up and exits pushing trolley)

Dorothy: (cheerfully)
2 minutes to air.

Wayne: Dorothy! What do you mean 2 minutes - we've got no contestants. How can we have a Free Giveaway Competition without contestants?

Sharon: Wayne about a low calorie antelope burger?

Wayne: (exploding)
Piss wait ..... you'll do ..... for our Free Giveaway Competition....

Sharon: Me! But I don't have my make-up on!

Wayne: It's radio dear ....

Sharon: (Moving towards exit)
I know that .... but you see I'm the reigning Miss Mega Munch and I was runner up in Miss Santa Ponza ..... I'll just get my tiara....

Wayne: (Pleading)
Wait! Wait! Please come back. I'll even have one of those Bambi burgers. Please come back.

Eddie: (sitting at table eating burger)
Hey Wayne! .....wouldn't it make you think all the the Stone Age people began eating with their hands and here we are at the end of the 20th century back to eating with our hands! That's progress for you.......

Dorothy: 30 seconds.

Wayne: a dear and go and get her....please just for Waynie-baby...

Dorothy: You'll be just fine dear. You are a Libra after all, aren't you?

Eddie: I have it! Butch Moore, you're Butch Moore's cousin! Sure you're the image of him.

(Music fades, Wayne is once again transformed into a confident radio presenter)

Wayne: Yes...and you're listening to Wayne Kitch on The Way We Live Now coming to you live from The Mega Munch - home of the tasty treat. As usual, we're bringing you the best of music, chat and of course our Free Giveaway Competition. But remember if you wanna win you gotta get in and meet your old friend Wayne Kitch here at The Mega Munch! And remember - there's a Mega Munch Meal Deal coupon for the first 10 people who get in here. I'll say that again folks - 10 Mega Munch Meal Deal coupons. Well how about that!

(Looks expectantly towards door)
Right..... we'll continue with Wayne's Agony Page. And remember - your problems are our problems so why not phone us now on 1550 666 666. Because we care! Calls charged 58p per minute peak time.

We've had a call from Worried Gemini about acne. It goes:
(reading from sheet of paper)

Dear Wayne,
I'm 15 years old and I have acne. I've tried everything - even soap and water but nothing works. Lately I've started wearing make-up to hide my acne. Am I bi-sexual?
Worried Gemini.

Listen kid.....Worried gotta pull yourself together on this one. O.K. so you've got acne. And I'm sure you look like a real creep. But hey - remember acne is as much a part of growing up as rock n' roll... yes where would Hendrix and Dylan be now if they didn't have acne at 15......

(Ronnie runs on stage)
Ronnie: I've got to use a's my car .... it's broken down...

Wayne: Yes folks!... it looks like we've just got our first contestant for our Free Giveaway Competition.
(Dorothy steers her to a chair in front of Wayne)

Ronnie: But I just want to use a's my car you see....

Wayne: And have just won yourself a Mega Munch Meal Deal coupon. Well how about that!

Ronnie: (glaring)
You silly man! Can't you understand - I said I just want to use the phone.

Wayne: And before we begin our Free Giveaway Competition featuring .......

Ronnie: Savage......Ms. Ronnie Savage.....

Wayne: I'd just like to remind all our listeners that today's Mega Star Prize is a year's supply of Mega Munch food products.

Ronnie: (recoiling in horror)
Oh how ghastly ..... you mean someone will have to eat here for a whole year ..... look at those dreadful chairs ..... and that colour co- ordination .... and those paper cups, not to mention those ghastly e numbers ......

Wayne: (solemnly)
In order to select your topic, I am going to ask you to pick one of these envelopes numbered one to five.

Ronnie: You really are dense aren't you?
(Attempting to stand up but being restrained by Dorothy)
I said I want to use the phone....

Wayne: (selecting an envelope himself)
And you've picked envelope number 3.
(opening envelope and pausing)
And the topic you've selected is: Eurovision Song Contests of the 20th century.

(Dorothy holding clipboard and gong assumes the role of time keeper.
Name the Bulgarian duo who finished 27th out of 29 contestants in the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest?

Ronnie: (briefly considers the question before giving up)
This is ridiculous. I just came in to make a phone call.

(Dorothy vindictively sounds a gong to show that time is up)
Wayne: Sorry! Time is up. Well the questions didn't suit you today did they?

Ronnie: (stands up and attempts to leave)
I'm leaving.

Wayne: No wait - you must complete the tie-breaker in not less than 10 words..... I eat at The Mega Munch because.....

Ronnie: (reaching forward and grabbing Wayne by the tie)
Listen you nerd, I said I was leaving. As for this Mega whatever you call it I wouldn't be caught dead eating in here. Now out of my way.....

(walks briskly towards door)

Wayne: (attempting to recover the situation)
Well what do you know - that's live radio and this is Wayne Kitch on The Way We Live Now. We're coming to you live from The Mega Munch because we care. We've got super prizes plus a chance to win our Mega Star prize in our Free Giveaway Competition. All you have to do to enter is pop in and say hello to your old friend Wayne Kitch. And just remember there are 10 free Meal Deal coupons for the fist 10 people in here. I'll say that again ...10 free Meal Deal coupons!

(slight pause as Wayne, Dorothy look hopefully towards the door)

And now the latest news update here on The Way We Live Now (reaching for sheet of paper)
Scientists claim to have established a link between mysterious circles in wheat fields, falling male sperm counts and acne. More news headlines on the hour.....

(slight pause as Wayne, Dorothy and Eddie again look hopefully towards the door)

O.K. O.K. so you're playing hard to get out there......well I'm going to upgrade those Meal Deals from regular to large ..... and I'm throwing in a large Coke with every Meal Deal.... I'll say that again, a large Coke with every Meal Deal

(crumpling paper bag and making eating sound effects)
Hmmmm......Mega Munch Meal Deals - so tasty so good.

(slight pause as Wayne, Dorothy and Sharon again look hopefully towards the door. The silence is finally relieved by the squeaking of a wheel as Joy re-enters pushing a shopping trolley and giving Wayne the thumbs-up sign. A look of disbelief registers on Wayne's face as he again tries to retrieve the situation)

OK, we'll take a break just now. Join us again after this piece of music on The Way We Live Now - because we care.....

(After some fumbling, followed by a short pause, the strains of The Birdie Song fill the air. Wayne looks towards the audience with a look of pained resignation on his face.)

Dorothy: (Off-air, Dorothy rushes forward and begins to massage Wayne's shoulders and neck in the manner of a boxing coach.)
There now, Waynie baby... feel all those negative ions leaving......there now ..... everything will be alright.......

Wayne: (pointedly)
Dorothy.... have you seen my Barry Manilow Greatest Hits Collection?

Dorothy: (pausing before resuming massage)
Oh... but I'm sure it's there doesn't that work wonders for your personal biosphere?

Eddie: (sudden interjection)
I have it! You're Brendan Bowyer. Remember, the Hucklebuck....

Wayne: Dorothy.....can you explain how The Birdie Song got mixed up in my play list?
(picking up several CD's with disdain)
Hmm....and what about these - 'An Evening With Daniel O Donnell' ,
'A Weekend With Joe Dolan', 'A Week With Val Doonigan' - straight from the chamber of horrors known to radio presenters as Oldies and Irish....

Dorothy: (hopefully)
Well.....I'm sure they'll love The Birdie Song anyway. It is such a clever little ditty, isn't it Waynie baby...

Wayne: I'm not quite sure Bob James, our beloved Director of Programming will agree....
(under his breath)
...the flatulent old windbag.....

Joy: (as if straining to remember)
Oh to have a little house.....

Wayne: (momentarily distracted)
Why does she keep saying that?

Eddie: She's trying to remember.

Wayne: Remember! Why couldn't my producer remember something as basic as the entire playlist for my programme?

Dorothy: (starting to sob)
It's Bubbles you see...... he passed over.....

Wayne: (with heavy irony)
Oh... you mean that lump of dog turd of yours has finally become a UFO....that sounds like a good enough reason to wreck my career.
(Dorothy commences to sob uncontrollably)

Sharon: (enters wearing Miss Mega Munch sash and clutching tiara balanced precariously on head)
Coming Wayne .......
(On seeing the level of disinterest in her entry, Sharon looks aggrieved)

Eddie: Did you ever notice walking past peoples' houses in the winter evenings. I mean like walking by on the footpath and looking in the windows just as it's getting dark. The way they'd be hanging up their coats and warming their hands before the fire. I often think it's like watching television with the sound turned down. Talking about their day at work I suppose.....

Sharon: Wayne love.... tell me the truth now...... would you prefer the Praiha da Rocha green or the Santa Ponza blue with my outfit?

Dorothy: (Recovering composure)
Before Bubbles passed over, he raised his paw
(gesturing with limp hand)

as if to say .... farewell my eco friend ....
(more sobbing)

Eddie: (reading closely from check-out docket which he retrieves from plastic bag)
Your dinner is in the oven, make sure you switch off the light when you're coming to bed.

Wayne: (poisonously to Dorothy)
You never liked me did you? That's why you and Bob James (under his breath)... the flatulent old windbag...arranged to have me sidelined from The Breakfast Show to The Way We Live Now. And who got The Breakfast Show - Ian Thomas...that fish head... fast-tracked from Oldies and Irish of all places......

Eddie: (checking watch) minute to air....

Sharon: Wayne about that low calorie antelope burger with fries on the side?

Wayne: (sudden note of urgency)
Dorothy, did you hear that? One minute to air .... and we need another guest for our Free Giveaway Competition.......Dorothy.......I said
(music fades)

(sudden transformation to confident radio presenter mode again)

Don't you just hate that song! Remember all those weddings and Aunt Mabel after five sherrys doing her thing on the dance floor to the The Birdie Song! Boy oh boy, makes you just cringe doesn't it?

O.K. this is Wayne Kitch and you're tuned to The Way We Live Now.
And just to remind you that we're coming to you live from The Mega Munch - home of the tasty treat where you can rush in and take part in our Free Giveaway Competition right now.
(pause as Wayne, Dorothy, Eddie and Joy all look expectantly towards the door)

Right....while we're waiting for all you people out there in FM land to rush in here, let's take another problem from Wayne's Agony Page. Remember, your problem is our problem. Dial us now on 1550 666 666. Calls charged at premium rate - because we care.

(Adopting a confessional tone)
Right...we've had a call and it reads:
Dear Wayne,
I've been dating the girl of my dreams for the last 6 months. She's everything I ever wanted - tall, attractive, outgoing and above all else - she shares my passion for bungy jumping. The trouble is I think I've fallen in love with her mother. I can't live this lie much longer. Should I break it off? Please Wayne, tell me what to do.
Worried Capricorn.

O.K. Capricorn....I know the world must look like a pretty sad place as you're hurtling towards the ground head-first at 250 mph on a bungy jump but even that's no excuse for this behaviour. Let's face it've got the sex drive of a gerbil!
Oh and....give up the bungy jumping - the sudden rush of blood to your head is obviously playing havoc with your testosterone levels.
(Dismissively crumpling up paper and tossing into bin)

And before our Free Giveaway Competition we'll take the latest news headlines:
Scientists believe they've established a link between mysterious circles in wheat fields, falling male sperm counts, acne and bungy jumping. We'll have an update on these stories on the hour.

(slight pause as Wayne and the others again look hopefully towards the door)

And just before our Free Giveaway Competition, a programme announcement. This week's programme in the Retrospective series - a programme for and about media personalities - will feature Ian Thomas, anchorman for The Breakfast Show. On Monday I will interview Ian Thomas; on Tuesday Ian Thomas will interview me; on Wednesday I will interview Ian Thomas; on Thursday Ian Thomas will interview me and on Friday - yes you guessed it - I will interview Ian Thomas.

(awkward pause as Wayne again looks hopefully towards door)
And do we have a contestant for our Free Giveaway Competition? Well what do you know, battling through the crowd here at The Mega Munch - home of the tasty treat and demanding to take part in our Free Giveaway Competition is ....Eddie...

(look of shock on Eddie's face as he points incredulously to himself)

Yes let him through ladies and gentlemen. And no pushing please. Your turn will come next.

(Mystified, Eddie takes a seat in front of Wayne)
Now Eddie, before we begin any questions?

Eddie: (hopefully)
Would you have a loan of a fiver?

Wayne: You obviously understand the rules of our Free Giveaway Competition.

Eddie: I hope you don't feel embarrassed but I thought I'd ask anyway.

Wayne: (solemnly)
I'm going to ask you to select one of these envelopes numbered one to five.

(snaps one envelope just as Eddie is reaching forward)
And you've selected envelope number four.

(noisily opens envelope before resuming to stare solemnly at Eddie)
And your topic concerns: Eurovision Song Contests of the 20th century.

Eddie: Oh that's alright, I was afraid you might pick something obscure.

Wayne: The Icelandic entry in the 1982 Eurovision Song Contest was called "Boom Boom Bang Bang, Chick Boom Bang". And no, I don't want you to name the singer of this .... metaphor for greater European harmony and understanding which incidentally finished 34th out of 35 entries - I want you to name the composer.

(Dorothy hovers menacingly with gong)

Eddie: (after a pause, hopefully)
Would his name be Pass by any chance?

(Dorothy gleefully sounds gong)

Wayne: No and sorry, time is up. And now I'll ask you to complete our tie- breaker in not more than ten words: I eat at The Mega Munch because.......

Eddie: (matter of fact)
.......because the security man lets me in.
(sudden flash of inspiration)
I have it! I know who you remind me of. You're Stephen O Brien. Remember - you were in my brother's class.
(gesturing with sleeve)

Greensleeves wasn't it they used to call you. No-one could spit like you.

Wayne: (standing)
O.K. smartass, why don't you broadcast it to the world? Oh and while you're at it why don't you take over my show because I'm quitting.
(speaking directly to microphone)
Do you hear that Bob James, you flatulent old windbag....... I've waited years to call you that on air......I'm quitting.
(moves towards seat before returning to microphone again)
And furthermore....I'm going to have a low calorie antelope burger and regular fries...hmmmm

Eddie: (Eddie shuffles over to take Wayne's seat and puts on headphones. Meanwhile Wayne takes a seat in another part of the restaurant and is duly served by Sharon)
This is Eddie standing in for Wayne on The Way We Live Now and we'll go straight to our Free Giveaway Competition. Joy - would you ever come over here and answer a question for me.

(Joy wheels over her shopping trolley and sits down)

Now I have five envelopes here. My advice is to pick number one. All the others seem to be about that shaggin' Eurovision.

(opens envelope)

Your topic concerns: Eurovision Song Contests of the 20th Century.

(Dorothy, armed with gong duly takes up her position next to Joy)

In 1986, Johnny Logan won the Eurovision Song Contest for the second time. What was his hotel room number that night?

(Joy strains to remember before Dorothy intervenes and noisily sounds gong)

Sorry, the questions didn't suit you. Now, in 10 words or less, complete the tie-breaker:
I eat at The Mega Munch because.......

Joy: (straining to remember)
Oh to have a little house.....

Eddie: That's all for today folks on The Way We Live Now. Until we meet again, it's goodbye from me Eddie and all the gang here at The Mega Munch. We'll leave you now with this piece of music.

(slight pause as Eddie fumbles with the controls before the strains of John McCormack singing I Hear You Calling fills the air.)

Dorothy: (Off-air, wistfully)
It's Bubbles ......he's just finished a can of preservative-free dog food and he's going out to play on the Astral Plain......

Sharon: (re-enters noisily clutching tiara and carrying burger and fries for Wayne)
There now Wayne low calorie antelope burger and fries's non fattening and eco friendly .....
......except if you happen to be an antelope.....

Wayne: (clutching a paper cup and looking forlornly into the distance)
I could have been a chat show host........

Eddie: (as if replying)
I could have been a security man!

Wayne: I could have been a media personality......

Eddie: I could have been a family man!

Joy: (looking into distance, haltingly)

Oh to have a little house!
To own the hearth and stool and all!
The heaped-up sods upon the fire,
The pile of turf against the wall!

To have a clock with weights and chains,
And pendulum swinging up and down!
A dresser filed with shining delph,
Speckled with white and blue and brown!

I could be busy all the day
Cleaning and sweeping hearth and floor,
And fixing on their shelf again
My white and blue and speckled store!

I could be quiet there at night
Beside the fire and by myself,
Sure of a bed and loath to leave
The ticking clock and the shining delph......