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Dublin Knackers Are you a knacker?
Are you a low life degenerate scum sucking shite-hawk from southern Knackeragua in Dublin? Do you come from a reasonably wealthy family but deliberatley dress like a medieval peasant so as to effect the hard man image? Are you known to your mates as Anto/ Finno or some other made-up and effected knacker name like 'Muggy' whilst in reality your name is probably Fiachra/ Felim or some other horrible new age pseudo Irish shite that your sub-human hag of a mother thought was trendy in late seventies? Do you get the
overwhelming urge to kill yourself every time that you look in the mirror
and you see your disgusting pale knacker face? Is your idea of
fun, sitting on the Dart/Bus and mouthing your foul pestilent inanities
at the ceiling? Not because anyone is even slightly interested in whatever
turgid shite you let fall out of your disgusting slit of a mouth. Does this sound
like you? Does it you fucking low-life arse-wiper? Do you fit this description?
Eh fuckface? 1. Do you want
fries with that? |
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The Culchies' Guide to Dublin Note that you probably need to be Irish to appreciate this! Dublin was founded in the 8th century by the Vikings, when they realised that the best way to cause lasting damage to the country was to build what leading Viking at the time, Hagyar Ringsend, termed "A shithole for the ages". This statement was proved true over time. Luckily for the rest of Ireland, Dublin is located on the east coast. This means that the prevailing south westerly wind generally takes the smell across the Irish Sea to Britain. In the 1950's Britain retaliated by building Sellafield nuclear power station. The Irish Sea is now one of the cleanest in the world, the radiation from England and the filthy pus and bile from Dublin nullifying each other. It is a pity for us all that dublin is not located 50 miles further east. However, many "Dubs", or "Gobshites" as they are known to the rest of us, would go even further! This is because Dublin is all that remains of what was once called "West Britain". Dublin people share many characteristics with the English people, including an amazingly low alcohol tolerance, ridiculous accents and the ability to get into a bar room brawl with Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa. Indeed, many young Englishmen come to dublin for "stag nights" - not for the nightlife, but because all of the sluts there are falling over themselves to be impregnated by anything with a foreign accent in order to claim "choil' benefih'", or "childrens' allowance" as it is called in the civilized world. But beware! Dublin beer is much more expensive than ordinary beer. This is because it is watered down with expensive mineral water. You see, due to Dublin being a pox ridden eyesore which leaks revolting pus into our beautiful land, they have no clean tapwater. In fact, 86% of Dubliners don't even know what a tap is (the other 14% knew that it had something to do with beer). As a result, the beer is watered down with mineral water, as I said, and now the average Gobshite must fork out well over the odds for a pint. But don't let this put you off visiting cosmopolitan Dublin, where absolute knackers mix freely with some of the world's snobbiest bastards. Let the heroin, car theft, annoying whinger bastards, syphilis infested prostitutes and Europe's crappest traffic system put you off going there instead. Exits are by road, air and sea only, and are usually quite busy, so be patient.
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POPWANKERS Are you a member of a sad,
pathetic degenerate popwank manufactured boy/girl popband?
Are you bothered by the fact
that you will never even attempt to write a real song? Are you bothered
by the fact that Ireland is bursting at the seams with disturbingly
talented singers, songwriters and musicians who will get shafted by
the music industry, or worse still ignored, because a freak of nature
like you, who has been created in a make-up caked, sun-bed driven laboratory
worthy of the Nazi's best Joy Division experiments will be given more
airplay? Do you want to grow up to
be a sad attention-grabbing spoilt prick like that other vomit inducing
bastion of pop-cuntdom Robbie 'oooooh I want to be James Bond' Williams? Do you worry that as your
mid thirties approach, you'll have to spend Do you worry about the fact
that in three years time (and this is far |
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How
to recognise real Dubliners
They do the following ... Drive a Honda Civic with tinted windows, spoilers and go faster stripes; and say things like: "Go wan ye mad yoke" Possess bum fluff on upper lip (also applies to young ones) Social life revolves around Dr.Quirkeys, De Back Gayh (Back Gate), Da Shoooters Complex, Da Blue Banana or Jehs (Jets) Always have a box of 10 Johnny Blue on ya. On special occassions such as court appearances /christenings/funerals you must wear faded blue Levis rammed up your arse,must be accompanied by check ben sherman shirt, with diamond jumper draped over your arm for the dressy look. Enormous sovereign rings on every finger, for girls huge gold creole and T-bar pendant. For da fellas, gold mobile phone or boxing glove pendant from elizabeth duke collection at Argos. Multi-coloured Scanda or Patagonia jackets are essential part of wardrobe. Must be worn with tie cord around the waist pulled tightly. It is also obligatory to wear baseball caps with the peak sitting on top of your forehead to reveal greasy fringe. Have lots of experience of sitting down the back of the bus terrorising normal commuters while writing graffiti on the seats such as Whacko + Rasher = Pals Posters of Tupac/ Aslan to be placed on bedroom walls. All knackerettes must think that Christy Dignam is a "riyed". Always carry a packet of Rizla in case someone wants to "skin up". Portrait of your arse must be embedded into at least one wall where you sit every night all night and tell the houses owners to f*** off when they protest. Chain must hang out over jumper at all times. Know the Macaris take away menu off by heart. Be mates with a Doyler, Git, Rayo, Whacker or Mousey. Girls are called Naaath'lee (Natalie), Jasinteh (Jacinta), Janeh (Janet), Imeldeh (Imelda), Shar'din (Sharon) or Traycee (Tracy)...Not that these aren't nice names but when said with a thick Dublin accent that you could cut bread with they take on another significance. For da younger skangers, a moped is an essential form of transport. Helmet must be worn balancing on top of head and not actually on it. Pram from Da Social Worker (big enough to store stolen goods) and young child with a made up name from the Jenny Jones Show, name such as D'yewanneh and D'yelikeh essential from the up and coming knackerette. Spit on the pavement at least every 3 seconds. All your relatives live in the same block of flats / street / prison wing. Nearest you've been to nature is knacker drinkin down de canal or pickpocketing culchies who come up to Dublin on Dec 8th to get their Christmas Clothes Copy of The Sun or The Irish Star to be held in back pocket at all times. Pretend to follow League of Ireland but only go for the fights. Own Celtic Jersey with your own name on the back. Constantly have a scowl on your face that makes people afraid to approach you. Your Buurd is up da powil or has a little fucker. Rottweiller is essential to keep up the hardman image and threaten innocent people walking the streets. Tell them if they even look crossways that you'll get your dog to "bite the bleddin bollix off dem". City Centre consists of Henry St & O'Connell St, the odd venture to the Donnybrook Kiddies disco in necessary at least once a month to terrorise "de poshies". Left school before age 16. Time spent from June to October is collecting for the bon-fiyer. House called something imaginative like Old Trafford or Celticville. Name written on at least 10 lamposts near "your gaff" i.e. "Anto is a queer. Naaaahlee is a sluh " Whistle at everyone and walk with arms swinging and exaggerated limp. Common greetings called out to mates include, "Stahry Bud" or "Ahh righ Shaymo". Name must end with an o e.g. Anto, Rayo, Micko for the boys and end with an ie for the girls, Naaahlie, Trayyysie. Summer holidays are always in Courtown or da Canaries and you think its
the best thing since sliced bread |
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Know your scumbags - Lesson 1 Scumbag The term `scumbag' has quite a specific meaning in Dublin, compared to
its role as a generalised term of abuse elsewhere. A scumbag refers to
those individuals, seen in every Western country whose job it is to hang
around on corners in groups, menacingly asking passersby what they think
they're looking at. The generic Dublin scumbag is from a working-class neighbourhood, often on the Northside or the rebel offspring of a middle-class household doing their utmost to piss off their parents. The generic scumbag usually wears sports clothing (the larger the logo, the better. The jerseys worn by British soccer clubs are also very popular) and a pair of running shoes so futuristic they look like a ray gun from Star Trek. Gold chains and sovereign rings are very much the `in' things for an about-the-town scumbag to be wearing. In other words, our scumbag chums are attempting to look as much as possible like gangsta rappers, pasty Irish complexions notwithstanding. The generic scumbag will be unable to utter two consecutive words without using the word `fuck'; indeed, he may infuckingsert the F-word into any polyfuckingsyllabic words he speaks, just to be sure. If the scumbag asks you what you're looking at (sorry, fuckin' looking at), prepare to run very quickly.
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Crap Scumbag Jokes
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Two scumbag sluts walk into Brown Thomas (Dublin), they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it: 'Dat's fukin nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'. 'Yeah, what's it bleedin called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the fuk does that mean? At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me, does that smell like cum to you?". |
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The Dublin Maternity Hospital
A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously
in some state of agitation: |
Get your limited edition @dublinscumbags.com email address to impress your knacker mates and skanky girlfriend.
If you are offended by any of the stories or jokes on this page,
Go fuck yourself. :-x
Updated July 14th 2004