Read about the Irish attempt to reach Jupiter . Find out also how the Irish survived the catastrophe that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Flann O'Brien's book "At Swim Two Birds" (link to book's Amazon page) explains how darkness is not, as is commonly believed, an absence of light but is in fact the result of massive post-sunset volcanic emissions from the other side of the world. He further explains that artificial "light" is not actually light at all, but heat. This can be shown by taking an ordinary clear glass bottle, running outside at night into the darkness and filling up the bottle with darkness, running back inside to the "light", which will instantly combust the bottled darkness. Since combustion can only be caused by heat, this proves that all artificial "light" sources are actually heat sources.
In his book "The Third Policeman" (Amazon page), O'Brien uses modern physics to explain how years of friction merged the molecules in a policeman's backside (aka arse or ass) with the molecules of his bicycle, creating the world's first human/bicycle hybrid.
In his book "Round Ireland With a Fridge"
(Amazon page), English comedian Tony Hawks tells the true story of his adventures hitchhiking through Ireland with a fridge, and how the fridge went surfing.
My grandfather told me the story of how a returned missionary priest was preaching a fire and brimstone service in a Waterford church. When he thundered that in the next life there would be "weeping and gnashing of teeth" for unrepentant sinners, a little old lady piped up "That's all right for them that has teeth, Father, but what about the rest of us?". (In those days the clergy always had the last word. After a slightly stunned silence, to his credit the priest recovered enough to hiss "Madam, in the next life, teeth will be provided". Presumably he hoped that God, being all-powerful, could easily turn his hand to fitting dentures.)
My grandfather also told the story of how a local petty criminal was being chased by the men of the law. In his attempt to escape, the criminal ran into a packed church and hid among the congregation. The police followed and stayed unobtrusively just inside the doors, unwilling to disturb the service. During the service, the priest asked anyone in the congregation with a mortal (very serious) sin on their soul to stand up. Overcome with paranoia or guilt or sheer stupidity, the criminal stood up, whereupon the police rushed forward, grabbed him and dragged him, shouting and roaring, out of the church. My grandfather used to joke that it was terrible thing to happen, that it was no way to treat "the only honest man in the church". One wonders whether there were any tourists in the congregation, and what they made of it all - "You wouldn't believe what goes on at mass in Ireland. It's a totally clergy/police state over there, worse than the Inquisition".
More Humour
Mostly Inadvertent! With thanks to G, A, N and R.
There are no jokes here yet - real life is funnier.
'The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?'
Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting
gondolas on Blessington Lake.
'That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually.'
Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.
'The referendum went as most people hoped it would'
Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic
Process.
'Clap your feet!'
Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
'When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.'
RTE Commentator George Hamilton
'What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the
consumer.'
Aer Lingus spokesman.
'Deep down I'm a very shallow person.'
Charles Haughey.
'I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough.'
Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
Larry Gogan: 'With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?'
Contestant: 'Hamlet'.
Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by
force, subversion or violence?
Applicant: Violence.
Larry Gogan: 'What do you call a female cow?' ....
THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES - FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE The Sun
VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN
Irish Times
DOG SHOOTS MAN
Evening Press
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH
Irish Times.
'A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an
allegation that a local garda shot a cow .... There has been no statement
from the cow.'
Irish press.
Interviewer: 'Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo
Knives?'
Shopkeeper: 'I wouldn't say so, a lot of them can't spell'
'I was called out to a non-existent phone call. When I returned I lifted my
glass, smelled and said 'My God, this is foul, it smells like piss'. A
voice from the back called out, 'We know, but whose?'
Wine connoisseur T.P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College, Dublin.
