• Is this the ‘Big Daddy’ mentioned in the TUAS document?
For the first time this paper has had the opportunity to view this famous piece of paper. Like ‘all eggs in one basket’ this document contains the long-term strategy of the Provisionals’ leadership. (Sources close to the authors say ‘long-term’ may refer to another 800 years of British rule.
To begin with I must of course protect certain names and locations. For example, I will refer to my source as My Source. Naturally if I used his real name then anyone of above average intelligence might be able to deduce who he (or she) is.
This must remain a secret as it is believed possession of the TUAS document and revealing its contents to anyone other than Free State or British Intelligence carried a heavy penalty. Ordinary Irish people it seems might find the document disconcerting. ("Multifiliouslycrapo" was the exact word my source used to describe it.)
Having, as I said received the
obligatory midnight phone call,
having endured the traditional bumpy car ride over country roads, I finally arrived at my destination (the Gresham Hotel) – however for the purposes of this story I will say a small outhouse on a farm near the County Armagh border. A torch was produced to illuminate the document.
"What is it?" I asked.
"The the . . .t . . .TUAS . . .doc . . .document," My Source
whispered. His nervousness was apparent to me because of my years of experience of interviewing equally nervous interviewees.
"The TUAS document," I gasped. "You mean this is the real thing?"
"Absolutely, it says it all here. Everything we intend to do during the next 800 years of British rule."
"Incredible," I gasped again.
My Source
slipped the document into my hand furtively and I began to read:
Once upon a time on an island out in the Atlantic lived a lovely little people (Ourselves) and they wished to govern themselves.
Big Daddy, the wise one, looked around and said:
"Big bad people are ruling us, we should ask them to leave."
Some of the little people believed him and promptly started a war. After 25 years of war Big Daddy said "We have them beaten, stop fighting now!"
Most of the little people believed him and stopped fighting.
The big bad people grew more confident and told Big Daddy "Go take a dive in the ocean".
Big Daddy didn’t tell anyone what the big bad people had told him . . . instead he said: "Irish people, I am proud of the sacrifices you have made for me."
The Irish people grumbled among themselves but no one wanted to be the first one to complain about Big Daddy in public. So they all sang rebel songs and pretended they had really won the war. Big Daddy was advised by his advisors that this singing and dancing and waving flags wouldn’t keep the little people content for ever so he should get himself a plan. Big Daddy ordered that a ‘New Plan’ should be written.
This is the New Plan and it is called TUAS, Totally Unbelievable and Silly.
At this point
My Source
lost his nerve, grabbed the document out of my hand and ran out the door.
I ran for the bar. Well, you need a stiff drink after an experience like that . . .
— Mac Cool
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