MacCool

Irish company set to become major employer

Although there has been no official confirmation this has led to speculation that Ireland’s newest venture ‘Continuity Inland Re-investment Associates’ are set to become Ireland’s biggest indirect employer.

Talk in business circles singles out the company as offering “probably the best chance this century of an Irish inward investment company making it on its own in a free market economy”. Other sources say “One worker today, a hundred workers tomorrow – something exciting is happening here . . .”

When asked for a comment, John Hume, local British MP for Foyle said “We must realise this type of job creation is not in the best overall interests of the British economy. We must look at the wider picture. The average bomb, for example, causes £1 million of damage (sterling!).

“OK, I accept a job is created as a result but a million pounds per job we have to ask, is it not better that these people remain on the dole? In fact I’d go so far as to say such capital outlays are not in the best interests of British rule in Ireland, the whole thing is uneconomical to any colonial power with a serious intent to stay . . . for that reason I’d go so far as to describe Continuity Inland Re-Investment Associates as enemies of the people.”

CIRA were unavailable for comment, however their recently bankrupt rivals Personal Inland Re-investment Associates (PIRA) were more forthcoming.

“Having moved out of the field of indirect job creation and into the smaller but more lucrative field of ‘jobs for the boys’ we see CIRA as a threat to our long-term development. After all we have invested everything in the peace time, feel-good factor. Such a theme is incompatible with CIRA’s philosophy of ‘a job leads to a job’. We on the other hand in PIRA’s management believe in the maxim ‘put your hand out and you’ll get a hand out . . . and thank you kindly sir!’ It’s quite clear to all involved that market forces will resolve the situation.”

Meanwhile George Mitchell, worried at CIRA’s recent success, has made a major push to protect his investment.

“I’ve backed PIRA through all of this and they’ve backed me. If the current situation is not dealt with promptly then who knows what might happen. To that end I have ordered the Stormont Stock Exchange to close all transactions by April 9 and if the new Stormont Stock Exchange opens as planned sometime in the future I have further ordered all trading in CIRA shares illegal.”

Following this, currency exchange rates have fluctuated, reflecting the nervousness of companies like Decommission Now and many others. For example SLR standard is fluctuating and AK47 is trading way below last year’s rate.

Adding confusion to all of this David Trimble, Managing Director of Saysno Investments is demanding a free trade agreement with Republic 26. He insists such a move is necessary to insure the long-term survival of his company.

Republic 26 – growing increasingly nervous – is believed to be considering a merger with Britannia Limited Intel. Any new company to be called Council of the Isles Very Limited Indeed, Indeed. The company would in traditional fashion of course at all times be 51% owned by Britannia Limited Intel.

Such is the level of upheaval in Irish trade circles that many long-term players are leaning toward the conservative option offered by Continuity Inland Re-investment Associates. It appears that in times of insecurity those serious players with a real long-term investment to make, lean towards the old maxim, ‘a job leads to a job’.
— Mac Cool