MacCool

Interview with a blood-sucker

Prisoners? Well, no they didn’t figure to any great degree in our discussions, but they’ll be alright. Just give it 25 years and there won’t be any prisoners, 30 years at most. We know what is possible and what is not possible at this time.

We’ve got to move the situation forward. We are for a united Ireland BUT we know what is possible and what is not possible at this time. Soon everyone will know that. I live in the world of reality.

Reporters should not question my purpose. Especially jumped-up reporters. I don’t know what the world is coming to. Soon every jumped-up Republican will think they can ask questions of their betters. Well, it’s just not on, I won’t have it!

Small crowds at my Connolly House lecture after the ceasefire? Very simply explained. Everyone has left Belfast, every 12th of July the cowards run away and leave it to me and a small handful of courageous friends to call a ceasefire. Everyone knows that.

There are no dissidents in my party. It’s my party and I’ll do what I want to, do what I want to! Unity in everything is my catch-phrase. UNITY. But I know what is possible and what is not possible at this time. Otherwise Unity is they keyword.

My friend Bertie Ahern is a courageous man. The people of Belfast and Derry are cowards and drunken rioters. No respect for property. The Continuity IRA should go away. David Ervine is a courageous man toiling for peace . . .

Paddy Short of Crossmaglen said what? Well, what would he know anyway! Jumped up bog-hopper from the outer regions. No sophistication, silly!

Reporters shouldn’t talk to people like him. I think maybe it’s time Section 31 of OUR broadcasting act should be re-introduced.

Mo Mowlam decision? NO! I said momentous decision. Jumped up everybodys, typical unsophisticated thinking.

Let’s get back to important things. My book signing, for example. Yes, jumped up reporters are always trying to play scrabble instead of listening to what I am saying. Perhaps if you listened more to me you wouldn’t ask stupid questions about where I stand on re-uniting the country and that sort of outdated thinking.

If you listened to me you’d learn the new language and write the proper words, and not rock the boat. It’s people like you who have made it so difficult for me to do the business. As I was saying to my courageous friend Mo Mowlam just the other day. OK Marge, no punishment for hoods and drug pushers, but could we not just turn the blind eye to the odd jumped-up reporter having his hands mangled in a de-commissioned explosives grinder? She thought I was joking — well, I was joking but it felt good just saying it, even thinking about it.

Sell out? Who said that? Out, out, out of the room!

Republicans like myself have shown considerable imagination. We imagine we are going somewhere. We imagine all sorts of things. From time to time it has been suggested that Republicans are psychopaths, well after my latest feat of imagination schizophrenic might be a more valid accusation.

We are on the one road. The Orange Order is shaken and shocked. They used to have 3,600 marches on the 12th of July, this year they were forced to have only 3,599-and-one-half! (I count the march through Londonderry’s/Derry’s Diamond as a half a march.) This I believe is a measure of the success of my new tactics. Another measure of the success of my leadership is the complete lack of armed police and soldiers outside of nationalist areas. Practically a British withdrawal. Soon all the post-boxes will be painted green and the Irish language will be used at many public functions such as Remembrance Sunday etc.

People will be allowed to go to Mass unhindered, even at Harryville and the Garvaghy Road . . . Eventually I know what is possible and what is not possible at this time.

Even if I do say so myself I am a jolly clever chap to groom my beard every morning and I have a shower around me every day. Sophistry-cation is the key word . . . sophistry-cation in all things. Just look at one of my books and you’ll know what I mean. It’s all there, the grammar, the pathos and humour, the racy style, yes, even though I do say so myself a jolly clever chap in all things.

Prisoners . . . what prisoners? Oh, yes. Those prisoners. Well I feel the Brits will look at the situation imaginatively. If not then we will have to be imaginative and move the situation forward.

For example, when we say ‘Release all political prisoners, NOW!’ we could add PLEASE. Or for example those guys who got 35 years sentences just a few weeks ago.

Well if the Brits introduced half remission of sentences then they’d be out in only 17-and-a-half years. A small price to pay for peace in my opinion. As I made clear over and over again no price is too high for peace.

Prisoners and prison conditions, there is a good starting point for the future. Conditions should be improved. You know the sort of things. Box of crayons and a colouring book in every cell . . . whatever. It’s just a matter of being imaginative and finding a new language. Let me give you a few examples.

Go back to the way things were . . . move the situation forward. Use Brit-speak . . . Find a new language.
Grab whatever is going fast! . . . Another chance for peace.
Lay back and take it, or else . . . Inclusive talks process.
Do what daddy tells you, don’t ask questions . . . Republican unity.
Don’t shoot three soldiers and two cops . . . End sectarian attacks.
Prisoners . . . Sectarian Hibernian gunmen.
Orange Order . . . Religious and historical society.
Surrender . . . what is possible and what is not possible at this time.
There are many words we haven’t used before. Stuff the prisoners, who cares . . . Trust the Brits to act humanely, don’t be negative, grab the opportunity . . . move the situation forward . . . Hey, you! Wake up at the back. I haven’t finished talking yet . . .
— Mac Cool