MacCool

Massive vote for United Ireland!

In the Six-County area things were much less clear. Having been asked to vote Yes for a strengthening of the Union by David Trimble, Yes for a stepping-stone to a United Ireland by Gerry Adams, Yes for peace by the Women’s Coalition and Yes for prosperity and Catholic core values by John Hume’s SDLP party large numbers of people did in fact vote Yes.

. Statistical analysis by myself has led to a number of facts emerging. For example, not one vote was cast officially by any person under 18 years of age. Those who did not vote were without exception non-voters. Those who voted No were invariably patients of psychiatric hospitals. Of those who voted No it was possible to break them down into two basic categories — Republicans and unionists.

When we get to an analysis of the Yes voters things become a lot more complicated. I decided to look at the two main methods of statistical analysis open to me before deciding definitely which I would use.

The first method open to me was to ask every single person who had voted Yes why they had done so and thereafter attempt to categorise and quantify replies according to a number of criteria.

This method held certain attractions for me. For example the prospect of spending two years among the lakes of Fermanagh fishing at weekends and conducting my survey during the week . . . However I rejected the method after it occurred to me that at some stage I would have to spend six months on the Shankill Road! It was at this point I went for the alternative method.

The alternative method consisted of the following: First I wrote down on a suitably large piece of paper the following words:Fear plus greed; confusion, lack of debate and apathy.

I then acquired a suitably large and grotesque knitting needle, blindfolded myself and stuck the needle purposefully into the piece of paper.

Having first carefully removed my blindfold, I looked down on the piece of paper and all was revealed. Down at the bottom right of the paper written in very small script the needle protruded from the typescript:

Recycled paper, produce of Great Britain manufactured with the assistance and support of Irish politicians.

Of course the positive way to look at all this is that though the Agreement may not achieve much for the ordinary Irish people at least we have all done something to protect the rain forests . . . Amen

— Mac Cool

Contents