Murphy's Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they don't understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. .Give all orders verbally.

Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday.

The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

The Laws of Computer Programming

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

All Constants are Variables.

Murphy's - Laws of Sewing

(Anonymous) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

´1Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron.

The serger only eats the customer's garment.

If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box.

The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one.

When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small.

The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most. The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing. If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins .... with the cover off. Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out. The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric. Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law... while walking around barefoot. Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side. (Opposite sides attract). Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams. The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing. The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric. The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday. Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them. Gathering threads always break in the middle. The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gadarene Swine Law:

Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:

Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Galbraith's Law of Prominence:

Getting on the cover of "Time" guarantees the existence of opposition in the future.

Gallois's Revelation:

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Corollary - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.

Laws of Gardening:

Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.

Gardner's Rule of Society:

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.

Gell-Mann's Dictum

Whatever isn't forbidden is required.

Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Law of Generalizations

All generalizations are false.

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth

It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Gerrold's Law

A little ignorance can go a long way.

(Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.)

Gerrold's Pronouncement

The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics

An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
The energy required to change either one of the states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Getty's Reminder:

The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.

Gibb's Law

Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability Programming:

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise -- which is impossible.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

Gilmer's Motto for Political Leadership:

Look over your shoulder now and then to be sure someone's following you.

Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics):

You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.

Ehrman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:

Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?

Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.

To wit:

1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.

3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:

The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Godin's Law:

Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness in hierarchy.

Golden Principle:

Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:

Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Gold's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

(Bill) Gold's Law:

A column about errors will contain errors.

(Vic) Gold's Law:

The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do BETTER than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board simply by surviving.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts:

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Golub's Laws of Computerdom:

Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
The effort requires to correct course increases geometrically with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

The Rules for good Riting:

Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

Goodfader's Law:

Under any system, a few sharpies will beat the rest of us.

Goodin's Law of Conversions

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Gordon's First Law:

If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.

Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryophytic Systems:

While bryophytic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We conclude therefore that a rolling stone gathers no moss.

Corollary (Rutgers): Generally the subjective value assignable to avian lifeforms, when encountered and considered within the confines of certain orders of woody plants lacking true meristematic dominance, as compared to a possible valuation of these same lifeforms when in the grasp of-and subject to control by -- the manipulative bone/muscle/nerve complex typically terminating the forelimb of a member of the species homo sapiens (and possibly direct precursors thereof) is approximately five times ten to the minus first power.

Goulden's Axiom of the Bouncing Can:

If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.

Goulden's Law of Jury Watching:

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances when it votes guilty.

Graditor's Laws:

If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks:

Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.

Gray's Law of Programming:

n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming

n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.

Rule of the Great:

When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

Greenberg's First Law of Influence:

Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful.

Greener's Law:

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Greenhaus's Summation:

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Gresham's Law:

Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved

Grosch's Law:

Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

Gross's Law:

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.

Grossman's Misquote

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Gummidge's Law:

The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Gumperson's Law:

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Corollaries:

After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gumperson's Proof:

The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).

Guthman's Law of Media:

Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.