57
YEAR OLD ITALIAN GRANDFATHER SAVES THE DAY FOR BSG
There was high drama at Ashton on Monday as Barrys St. Germain defied the
odds, worked miracles and created history in a roller-coaster clash with third-placed
Woodland Warriors.
With a squad dessimated by injuries, a ten-man BSG faced a youthful and nauseatingly
arrogant opposition in a confrontation that promised to humble the Barrack
Street broncos. The humiliation was swift and severe. Five minutes one nil,
ten minutes, two. The juveniles queued up for a third and got it. A fourth
was dissallowed for off-side. The Warriors were using Barrys as target practice
and their neanderathal henchmen on the sideline laughed likes hyenas.
Half-time came like a lavy for the runs. Barrys regrouped and talked of damage
limitation and restored pride. Shins were made for hacking and a red card
was better than a yellow belly. Paulo Fortuno, a 57 year old Italian visiting
Ireland to witness the birth of his grandchild, togged out and presented himself
for action
If the Warriors had a whiff of the sweet smell of success they were soon to
get bloody noses. Where they had previously waltzed passed witless BSG defenders,
they were now dancing to a different tune - BSG were taking no prisoners and
cliches would be exhausted shamelessly.
Fabrice Fortune struck the first blow. Quivering under relentless BSG pressure,
the Woodland keeper flunked a clearance and Fabrice launched a piledriver
that stretched the net. Pride restored. Soon after, Tom Barry upped the ante
with an ambitious lob from outside the box that probed the skyline before
dipping dramatically behind the hapless keeper. Game on.
Sensing the scent of success, Barrys moved in for the kill. But the wounded
Warriors weren’t finished and fought to restore their tyranny. However,
desperate defending by Barrys’ back four and gravity-defying antics from
keeper Bionic Brennie, kept the beast at bay. Then, on the stroke of full-time,
Dave McCool had a twenty yard free kick deflected out for a corner.
The ref looked at his watch and the Ashton groundsman signalled and end to
the proceedings. Last chance. Conor O’Mahony placed the ball and stepped
back to launch. As he bagan his run, the BSG keeper sprinted into the box
and created a clever distraction screaming Geronimo’s warcry. The ball
floated invitingly towards the goalmouth, onto Paulo’s head and into
the net. 3-3. Come out you black ‘n’ tans!
The roar that greeted the equaliser shattered the lounge bar tranquility of
the sleepy suburb and silenced the louts on the side.
In a game that had heroes and villians, despair and elation and a rare goal
from Tom Barry, this was moment to be savoured for as long as people talk
shyte about football.
Pundits will laud the triumph of determination over arrogance and the restpration
of a sense of justice. A little bit of Italy will boast of the legendary heroics
of a grandfather who created history and witnessed the miracle of The Divine
Paul Fenton’s downtrodden deciples rising from the dead. Football, bloody
hell!
O’MAHONY
EATS GERMAN PIE
Accusations of gross exaggeration and bad taste were levelled at BSG left-winger
Conor O'Mahony after he said that if he felt hungry enough he would "eat
Germany'.
O'Mahony was accused of bad taste by a French contingent in Barrys Bar who
referred to the crude carnivorous excesses of the Germanic diet, insisting
instead that the French region of Bordeaux may be more to his liking.
Conor defended his statement and said that the Germans had nothing to fear
from his ravenous appetite. "Obviously I was exaggerating" he said
"like when you say 'I'm so hungry I could eat two horses'". Conor
has previously been banned from the English Market and Mallow Racecourse.
THE
WRATH OF FENTON!
Barrys St. Germain goalkeeper, Bionic Brenny Cotter, has denied that there
is a rift in the BSG camp despite rumours of a dressing room bust-up after
Monday night’s game.
Barrys lost 3-2 to table-toppers Windsor Motorworld in atrocious weather conditions
at Harlequins. BSG manager, The Divine Paul Fenton, was said to be furious
after the game and lashed out at his players in a tirade of abuse of a ferocity
not heard since the Scully Match Expenses Scandal.
During the outburst, Fenton is alleged to have kicked an object and sent it
flying across the room in the direction of Conor O’Mahony’s forehead.
Fortunately, Brenny’s reflexes allowed him to react quickly and he dived
at full stretch to intercept the missile in the nick of time.
O’Mahony was particularly upset after the incident but wouldn’t
say if the relationship with his manager was inreconcilable. "I didn’t
see it coming as I was applying my mascara at the time" O’Mahony
said "Only for Brenny’s extraordinary athleticism I could have smeared
my face or even stabbed myself with the mascara brush."
Fenton was making little of the incident and said that abusive outbursts and
random acts of extreme violence were everyday occurences. "Only the other
day I was driving towards the Kinsale Road roundabout when a little old lady
beeped at me and gestured with her fingers. Fortunately , I had my kango hammer
with me so I was able to smash her car and practice some new swear words at
the same time."
Former captain Ray Horgan agreed that violent dressing room incidents were
everyday occurances. "When I first played for Barrys St. Germain I had
a full head of hair" Hoggy said. "After one game, when I scored
an own goal from the halfway line, the gaffer grabbed me by the hair and lifted
me up to talk to me at eye level. He must have loosened my folicles because
within a week m y head was smooth as Buffy’s bottom".
HAYES TACKLES BUSH
Barrys St. Germain defender Noel Hayes made a dramatic exit from the pitch
on Monday night when his two-footed lunge at an opponent missed its target
with such misguided momentum that he was sent sliding over the sideline and
into a nearby bush.
In the bizarre incident, Hayes, who was impounded in the foliage, watched
helplessly as a passing mongrel raised a hind leg and dispensed its canine
secretion on his bothered brow.
Noel had just returned from a series of international anti-war protests where
he held discussions with tourism chiefs and hospitality girls in his capacity
as BSG Treasurer and United Nations Ambassador for the Promotion of Darker
Skin Shades Amongst Peoples of a West Cork Origin.
The hectic schedule saw Noel attend mass rallies on the beaches of Las Palmas
and Santa Cruz before jetting out to the Dominican Republic and finally to
Puerto Rico where a heated exchange resulted in a fellow sun lounger refer
to the American president as an "awful langer altogether."
GREEN SHYTE AND
ORANGE
Barrys St. Germain unveiled their long-awaited new strip on Monday night to
howls of indignation in the dressing room. The traditional and flamboyant
green, red and fluorescent yellow has been replaced by a stern but sexy orange
and black little number. Furthermore, the kit contains a new crest with a
new motto that replaces the traditional 'No Prisoners, No Complacency' with
the solemn and profane 'In Fenton We Trust'.
The change has sparked inevitable controversy however as the colour orange
is commonly used as a derogatory adjective in the rebel county (i.e. "you
orange langer" or "look at that langer in the orange jumper").
Conor Fitz has delayed his eternally awaited comeback in protest at the new
strip.
