The Night Out!

 

The normal night out with the lads takes set routes with very few possible outcomes.  No matter how different the night may seem the same basic elements; Beer, music, beer, women, beer and beer. Whatever the setting at least 3 of these elements must be present.  All through the night choices are made that will alter the course and place you on one of these courses.  The significance of this decision may not always be noticeable until later or usual the next day and are usually observed in the “If only” form, e.g. “if only I hadn’t drunk that green shit I wouldn’t have….” or “if only she was a bit drunker…” etc. To the average drunk these decisions come as second nature, if it’s in a glass drink it, if its unguarded rob it and so forth.  The sober man finds it a bit more difficult as self-esteem and respect for ones general health tend to alter and force decisions.

 

          The night out can now be examined and the decisions made with out the ever-looming fear of alcohol poisoning or even worse…. That someone might see you with that 4^th lap minker!!!!

 

 

The Scene is set!

 

Once the motley crew has bee assembled the night can begin! Let the drink flow and the fun will begin!

                                   

 

As the night develops the urge to pull grows and grows, those with girlfriends will miss the days of the hunt as the single lads, envious of the sexual guarantee that their sensitive and caring friends have, go on the prowl.  This difficult and daunting task can take many forms from the classics of pretending it’s your birthday to the suave and sophisticated grope and run.  But don’t be fooled this is not just fun, a lot of weight is on our drunken horney shoulders, you might even say that the fate of the world depends us pulling, for procreative purposes of course!

 

The shear difficulty in picking up women is highlighted in fig. 1.1.

 

Fig1.1

 

The subject seems to have taken the task literally

 

 This act of idiocy is best avoided if one is to pull.

 

From here on in you are on your own!

    

 

 

 

Your mission starts here armed with a dazzling array of wit charm and enormous amounts of Dutch courage your task is plain and simple…. To score or to die trying! The first obstacle to overcome is yourself; you may have misconceptions about your appearance and general attractiveness to women.                        

 

 Memories of former glories and thinner waistlines all combine with alcohol to make you a self-proclaimed sex god but are they true? Years of beer and grease abuse may have taken their tole on that 6 pack! As hard as it may seem, to women you may look something like this!

   

 

 

 

 

Excellent you have successfully passed; beer makes you able to do anything that you want and in no way damages your health or physical appearance.  And if anyone tells you differently or disagrees with your perception of yourself it is because they are jealous! And so they should be!

 

The next hurdle the single gent may have to overcome is the selecting of potential target for your tongue or whatnot. This is a delicate process again made easier by alcohol consumption.  Here are a few pointers to help along the way firstly, if the potential bird is still ugly when you are hammered it is usually very bad indeed and you must try and go look elsewhere, but don’t despair all is not lost, if like most you decide “fuck it ill try to fuck it” then the simple precaution of finding a dark corner away from the judging, remembering eyes of the lads is vital.  This basically means that the dance floor is out of bounds. Although even the most careful ‘stud’ gets caught nearly all of the time so thick shin or an abundance of dirt on the lads is vital.  At this vital stage the camera is mans worst enemy! As the little bastard will remember your ‘beauty’ in all her glory. 

 

 

There is no talking your way out of this little predicament.  Although remember not to slag too much, as even the most careful will get caught out in the end.

 

Not just because of a possible whipping from the lads, this selection process is vital for other reasons and failure to observe certain rules will end in disaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

                                      

The blond bombshell may have a little surprise in store for this poor subject.

 

Rule 1.try as hard as possible to establish at the offset, that all IS what it seems. Breaking this rule will certainly lead in tears. E.g. Fig 6.9

 

Fig 6.9

 

Contrary to one subject this is no laughing matter. Also note the chance of escape at this stage is too late, so tuck that leg back in there pauly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Rule 2 identify objective and try your hardest to get at it/them!

 

                                        

A fine choice sir!

 

So you have seen the young filly who you want to fill with your manly juices but how do you get her?????????????? Well thankfully there are a few options open ranging from super-smooth to slap-tastic……. The choice is yours.

1.     The grab and hold.

                        

 

Useful for the surprise attacks. The idea is simple – grab hold and don’t let go till she consents.  Don’t grab too hard as an attempted rape charge will do your reputation no good at all (tazzmision to be used for emergency purposes only, and the sleeper hold is bang out of order you filthy bastards)

 

2.     Seductive dancing.  If you can pull it off its great,

 

                                   

 

But as always you could just end up looking ridicules!!!!!!!!!

 

                                    

3.  There are other ones that can be used at your own discression but if you think that you can pull a bird by locking yourself into a toilet and then taking all your clothes off, you are nothing but an idiot (no offence Mel)

 

                                 

 

 

You’ve done it

 

Some how you have found a girl who has (hopefully) agreed to let you stick your tongue in her, she may not be great but she’s yours. Now how do you go about getting her to sleep with her? Here is where even the most experienced Casanova can slip (zip) up.

 

If you try too hard you run the risk of looking very sleazy indeed! Observe---------------------

 

 

 

 

Because you have had a few beers the inevitable is going to happen and you know how you’ll feel.

                            

 

Yes you are drunk and Horney and bedding your beauty is you primary concern, however you have to deal with the fact that by being hammered you may not be in total control and you may be slurring your words of persuasion.

 

Depending on you desperation vs. dignity there is one other option

                                  

 

                               

 

 

 

Kudos

You have scored

 

 

 

If not try either of these

 

 

 

 

Well we here at mad paulies accept no responsibility from any STD’s, unwanted pregnancies or run ins with the law due to the information found on this page.

 

Good luck and good hunting,

Ian.