Walking into bar jokes
It's sooooooo true
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?"
The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full"
The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some folks can't"
Jockeying for a position
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
Dyke van Dick
A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes.
The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just waisting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!"
Mobile Phones
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes he starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guy says "You don't understand, I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible" says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah" said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my God!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you" Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Rubber tax
A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The bartender replies, "Sure do."
"How much do they cost?"
"They're different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I'll give you a price."
So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much?
"That will be $1.15 + tax."
"I don't need the tacks! It'll stay up all by itself."
Dick of death
A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is. So they guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a black guy come in. The black guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge. The black guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a sink, swings his disk and smashes the sink in two, he then goes over to the toilets doors and smashes his cock off the door smashing it in half. He says to the guy, "I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!!!"
The guy goes "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."
from Andi C from Scotland
Okay, pigs don't really drink beer but...
A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer please"
The bartender says "Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please"
And the pig goes "Well, the thing is before I cam here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets."
And the bartender goes "Well that's all very well but why the round tale/tail?"
Whew!
A crocodile walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Once upon a time there were three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it was a nice day. Whilst they were out this nosey little bitch called Goldilocks stumbled upon their home and by smashing a window entered the cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a greedy cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large bed. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she sat on the medium sized bed but alas it was too soft and then she sat on the smallest bed and it was just right because it had a Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell asleep. Soon after, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating our food?" wailed mummy bear "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked into the living room "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired after their walk and they were
looking forward to a bit of hanky panky because they are funny little bears. "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up with a fright and immediately ran downstairs and all the way home and that was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks."That's all very well" replied the bartender "but why the long tale?"
4 out of 5 dentist do not recommend this
A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"
Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like SHIT!!' I reply 'Yessir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?' "
Of corpse
A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!"
When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?"
"It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"
Arses, titses, and beer
This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar.
A bloke goes up to the women and says " I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it--please let me"
The lady turns round and says "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend came out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here??!!!"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"
So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!
"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"
Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"
A severed drinking problem
Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here."
His friends say, "Prove it."
He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack! Off comes the hand.
The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes the arm.
The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?"
"NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."
from ELBIGT (THE BIG T)
Little Big Man
A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink.then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?"
This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am."
Well, the little guy goes over and whips the shit out of the big man and leaves.
Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the shit out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves.
This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla.
Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?"
Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!"
After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender "when the nigger wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can!"
A pig's tale
Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"
from D.J. in Detroit
Blowing the bagpipes
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off."
from Rich
There's no pot of gold
This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!"
"Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!"
In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!"
"Fine then" says the leprechaun.
But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!"
And the little guy says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"
from John Stapleford
PAT
A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer. Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse. After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?" He said no, and asked how to play. "Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point." So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting. The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up behind and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"
Intellectual humour eludes me
There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs into the john. an hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left, so he ventures out and upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off. To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!"
from Tim Carne
Size matters
3 Midgets are in a bar arguing. "I have the smallest hands in the world!" says the first. "I have the smallest feet in the world!" says the second. "I have the smallest penis in the world!" bragged the third. The bartender eventually gets annoyed and says, "Enough is enough! Tommorow you all go down to the Guiness Book of World Records and find out where each of you stands!" They all do. The first midget returns to the bar with a trophy "smallest hands in the World" and a check for $5,000. The second returns to the bar with a trophy "smallest feet in the World" and a check for $5,000. The third returns in a terrible mood, stomps into the bad and hollers, "Who in the hell is Al Gore????"
I know she's lyin'
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"
"That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
from Alyssa
Okay... so it's really an inn
Jesus Christ walks into a bar, slams three nails down onto the counter and says to the bartender, "Can you put me up for the night?"
SICK SICK SICK!
Two gay guys walking past a funeral home one says to the other "Do you want to go inside and suck down a couple cold ones."
from the very sick mind of Lorraine Katz
Genies are really evil, I think
Okay a guy walked into a bar with a cork shoved up his butt.
Bartender asks him how that happended and he says, "Well I was walking along the beach and I found a magic lamp. I picked it up to brush it off and when I started to rub it a genie popped out. He told me I had 3 wishes and I said 'No shit!!!!'"
So sordid
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...........so the barman gave her one!
I can't believe I've resorted to putting this one on
Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please" and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"
Self-explanatory
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
from The Redheaded Barwench
A old favorite made new
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
from S Rodriguez
Making every inch count
These three guys walk up to a bar and are greated by a woman. The woman says that in order for them to be able to get into the bar the lengths of their dicks must add up to a foot. The first guy whips his out and she measures it at 6 in. The next guy wips his out and she measures it at 5 inches. The last guy takes his out and she measures it at 1 in.
After they come out of the bar the first guy states how lucky they are that he had such a long dick. The second guy says the same thing. The third guy says that the other two should be especially grateful that he had a boner.
Secret of my success
One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."
Road kill necrophelia
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
Spew
A vagrant walks into a bar and is told by the bartender to get out!
The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges.
A moment later another Vagrant walks in to the bar and again the bartender tells this one to leave. The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges.
A third vagrant walks into the bar and this time the bartender offers him a cocktail stick to leave. However the vagrant declines the offer and asks for a drinking straw.
The bartender inquires to why the Vagrant wants a drinking straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks?
The vagrant replies, 'well someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits are gone!'
From Bernard McWilliams
Jesus, he's my friend
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."
The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
from Lisa McGinn
Workin' for a livin'
A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money."
The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?"
The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200."
The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house."
They didn't even have a drink!
There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a relized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's."
from Nicole Hansen
Foreign exchange
This American lady comes to a small town in Ireland on holidays, she goes into a bar where four men are sitting drinking and asks the barman to give her a pint of what the locals drink, so the barman says fair enough its your call. So she downs the pint, falls flat on her face and is out for the count.
The four lads look down and say, "Jesus she's a bit of stuff, I wouldn't mind having some fun with her." So the four lads pick her up, find her apartment key, strip her naked and shag her senseless.
The next day there's about 20 lads in the pub, in she walks and says to the barman "a pint of what the locals drink please" no problem he says, so she downs it, falls flat on her face, out for the count again. All 20 bring her back and have their way with her.
By this stage the whole town has heard, so the next day the pub is full to capacity waiting for her. So in she walks and goes up to the bar, the barman says "a pint of what the locals drink is it?" She says "No, give us a pint of Heineken, that other stuff was ripping the cunt off me."
So well told, I had to post this other version
This alligator decides to get out of the hot sun of the mangrove swamp one day, so he walks into town to find a cool, dark place to rest. He finds a bar that's nice and dark and walks right in. He finds a stool at the end of the bar, sits down and relaxes.
The bartender puts down a glass he's been polishing, walks over to the 'gator, looks him up and down then asks, "What'll ya have today?" The alligator thinks about it and orders a scotch, straight up. The bartender walks off to get the drink and the 'gator looks around the bar to see what kind of a joint he's in.
He notices that except for himself and the bartender, the only other person in the bar is an ugly, mean looking old biker chick sitting at the other end of the bar. The bartender brings him the scotch, and the 'gator shoots it down. Then all of a sudden the 'gator's stomach rumbles, and he remembers that he hasn't eaten for about three weeks. He asks the bartender, "You got any food here?" The bartender says no and suggests another drink, instead. The 'gator agrees, and the bartender walks off.
While the alligator's waiting for the bartender to bring his next drink, he starts to dwell on how hungry he is. The more he thinks about it, the worse his hunger gets. He looks at the old biker chick again and thinks to himself, "I bet nobody'd miss her if she disappeared, and she can't taste any worse than drunk fisherman..." He starts to slip off his stool just as the bartender comes back with his new drink.
The 'gator stops, sits back down and takes his drink. He sips it and asks the bartender, "So like, is that lady down there waiting for anyone? She looks like she's been here for a while..." The bartender glances at the woman like he's just noticed her for the first time and says, "Naw. She's always in here, just sittin' there talkin' to herself and swearing. Nobody ever pays any attention to her, 'cause she's so ornery. In fact, I'd pretty much forgotten about her." The 'gator's eyes light up and he licks his huge, smelly yellow teeth. "Say," he says to the bartender, "I'm so hungry, I'm gonna go down there and eat her right up!"
The bartender gets alarmed by the 'gator's announcement and tells him, "No, wait! Don't do it! I really think you should reconsider and eat something else later-- maybe down at the diner. Here, I'll even fix you another drink, on the house. Besides, you wouldn't like eating her-- she's so tough and mean, she's gotta taste terrible!" The 'gator thinks about all this and finally says, "Yeah, alright. I suppose I've waited this long to eat, another hour or so won't kill me..." But the new drink just seems to make the alligator all the more hungry and determined to make the lady his lunch.
The bartender argues with him three more times, fixes him more and bigger drinks on the house and desperately tries every trick he knows about controlling drunks to keep the alligator from eating the lady on the stool. But all of a sudden the 'gator slips off the stool and-- before the bartender can stop him another time-- thrashes down to the other end of the bar, tears the woman from her stool and eats her right down in three horrible bites, bones and all.
The 'gator takes a deep breath, belches and sighs contentedly. He climbs up on the stool the lady was most recently sitting in and is about to order an after dinner drink when he notices that his ears are ringing, the room is spinning and he can't feel his head! His eyes roll up into their sockets and the 'gator pitches off the stool: he passes out, stone cold on the floor.
The next thing the 'gator knows, he's looking up at the spinning, worried face of the bartender. The bartender's slapping him and throwing cold water in his muzzle. Slowly, painfully and in nausea the 'gator regains complete consciousness. He sits up, sways a bit and then steadies himself on the barstool. He looks at the concerned bartender and asks, "What happened to me? I feel like warm shit on a cold beach..." The bartender says, "It was the lady. I told you and told you, 'don't eat her,' but you just wouldn't listen to me!"
The 'gator thinks about this and asks, "But what was wrong with her? I've eaten dozens of folks and none of them have ever had that affect on me." The bartender looks at the 'gator sternly, shakes his head and say, "Well maybe you've learned a lesson today, and next time you'll be a little more careful about what you mix with your drinking: You're lucky to be alive, that's all I have to say about it." The 'gator still looks confused, so the bartender says to him, "By christ, man, don't you know anything? You passed out because after all those drinks you had, that was the bar bitch you ate!"
Visitation
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says "What is this a joke?"
from Sam
A black, a Rabbi, a Pollock, a blonde, a Russian, a priest, and a nun walk into the bar. The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
from Jim in Dunwoody, GA
One small step
There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind", but what I really said was "once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline."
"Who the hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man.
"Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn't make the cut," said Armstrong.
"Okay" replied the man.
"Well one day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!"
Drinking buddies
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
Cables can be trouble
So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."
Hard questions
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Insult to injury
Two guys walk into a bar. One has to get stitches.
Horse sense
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
A close call
A Pollock walks into a bar as the bartender turns away in disgust from seeing the pile of shit the Pollock is holding. "Hey Harry---Look what I almost stepped in!"
Bar flies
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"
Death becomes nerd
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around hisglasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
At least it starts in a bar
So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.
So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting, so he stops at the drug store on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.
He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."
They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.) Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.
He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little sister.....tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a word, though.
Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll do the damn dishes."
from CBJones
Have it your way
A guy walks into a bar, he notices a sign behind the bar saying, "Hamburger $2.50, Cheese Burger $3.50, Hand job $20." He looks around and sees the Bar maid, he flags her over. This lady is dressed in a very short, low cut skirt. In fact this dress is so small it almost doesn't cover her. He asks her if that sign is true. She says, "Yes I personally hand deliver everything on that list." Then she gives him a wink. He says, "Good, go wash your hands and get me a cheese burger!"
Scent of a woman
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman. He orders a drink and turns to her.
Guy: "Can I smell your pussy."
Woman: "Absolutely not!"
Guy: "Oh, it must be your feet".
I have it under control, Kemosabi
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from head exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
Stating the facts
A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradoan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.
The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Texan finished drinking his Margarita, and threw HIS glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all are rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Coloradoan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so many Texans and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.
The bear facts
This bear walks into this bar and asks the bartender to get him a pint of beer so the bartender thinks that "Well this is a mean looking bear so I better not piss him off." So the bartender gets the bear his pint and says to the bear that it will cost him $15.99 so the bear gives the bartender a 20 dollar bill and the bartender thinks "Well I better not try to rip this bear off." So he gives the bear back the proper change so time passes and later the bartender wants to start a conversation with the bear so he goes up to him and says "You know we don't really get too many bears in here." Then the bear says "Well for $15.99 a pint I can see why!.
from Lee Catling
Another wish comes true
This bloke, a cat and an ostrich walked into a bar. They all sit down and the bloke orders three pints and pays for them. When they've finished these the ostrich calls the barman over and orders another three pints. Once they've downed these the bloke tells the cat, "It's your round - get them in" and the cat immediately tells him to fuck off.
The barman is intrigued by this strange trio and asks the bloke about his companions. "Well its strange really, but I found this lamp and a genie popped out and gave me three wishes and those two are the result."
"What?", says the barman, "You wished for a fucking cat that doesn't buy its round and an ostrich?!!"
"No. What I actually asked for was a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
...here's the American translation...
Guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a pint of beer, the ostrich says "I'll have a pint, too", and the cat says "I'll have a half pint... but I'm NOT PAYING!"
Barkeep puts down the drinks, says it'll be $3.40, and the guy reaches into his pocket, grabs all the money he has, slaps it down on the bar, and it's exactly $3.40. The barkeep thinks this is a bit odd, but says nothing.
Later, the barkeep comes back for a second round, the guy orders a tall scotch, and the ostrich orders the same. The cat says, "I'll have a short scotch and water... but I'm NOT PAYING!" Barkeep says that'll be $5.55, the guy puts his hand in his pocket, grabs all the money he has, slaps it down on the bar, and it's exactly $5.55. By now the barkeep is intrigued.
"Hey," he says, "how come every time I tell you your tab you come up with exact change without even looking?"
"Well," the guy says, "I once saved the life of an old witch, and as a reward she gave me two wishes. I thought about the first one long and hard, and wished that every time I buy something, all I have to do is reach into my pocket and I'll come up with exact change to pay for it."
"Wow!" says the barkeep. "That's brilliant! Most people would just wish for a million bucks and blow it all in a couple of months, but for the rest of your life you'll always be able to pay for whatever you want, from a candy bar to a Rolls Royce! What about your second wish?"
"Well," says the guy sheepishly, "I didn't think that one through, I'm afraid. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Excuses excuses
A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender notices this and asks the guy what is wrong. "My wife told me if I ever come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me." The bartender tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat. The guy agrees with the bartender and proceeds to get drunk. After more shots of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with his face down at the bar and pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done, the man starts to panic. "What am I going to do? My wife is going to kick me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms him down and tells him to stick a $20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his wife it was some other drunk who puked all over him and he gave him the twenty to cover the shirt. After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives home to find his wife packing her bags. He starts to explain what happened to his shirt and he pulls out two $20 bills to show his wife. Wondering why the man gave her husband $40, the wife asks, "What's the other $20 bill for?" the husband replies, "he shit in my pants too."
from brandon in arkansas
Truth and consequences
Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces. The bartender asks the first man, "Why the long faces?"
The first man replied, "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we had a gorgeous waitress. When I pointed to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but what I meant to say was, 'I'd like a bit of that!'
The bartender says, "Oh. How 'bout you, buddy?" he asked the other man.
"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out, 'You ruined my life bitch!'"
Stumbling fool
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
the drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
Duck Duck Pig
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under each arm. The bartender says,"Hey! you can't bring that pig in here!"
The lady says,"It's not a pig, they're ducks."
"I was talking to the ducks!"
Handy situation
This guys walks into a bar and orders two beers. He pounds one and pours the other on his right hand. Promptly he orders two more. Pounding one, he pours the other on his right hand. Now the barternder is looking at this guy kinda funny like. The guy orders two more beers and the bartender says, "Mister why you drinking one of them beers and pouring the other on you hand?"
The guy replies, "Because I want my date to be as drunk as I am."
from KROB
Days of our lives
A man walks into a bar with a pie on his head. He orders a beer.
The bartender asks "Why have you got a pie on your head?"
The man replies "It's Wednesday isn't it?"
"No it's Tuesday."
"Agh no!! I must look like a right pratt then!!"
from Jim
Making friends
A dwarf sits on the balcony of the bar and starts yelling to everyone in the house that he is MACHO, that he is the toughest guy around. So he orders the hardest drink the bartender has. The first drink comes up, and he swallows it. The second drink comes up, and gone! The third, the fourth... All along he's yelling how tough he is.
Then a big black eight foot tall guy walks in and says: "Come with me." They go to the bathroom and the big guy fucks the dwarf.
The dwarf freaks out: "Oh my God, what am I going to do! What's everybody gonna think of me?"
"Don't worry"- says the big guy - " You can go around and say that YOU did it."
The next day the dwarf is back at the bar. He sits down and start his old yelling again. Another dwarf shows up, and sits by him. "I am the toughtest guy in here!"
"No, I am the toughest!
So the argument goes on. So they decided to order some drinks to end the argument. After the sixth drink, the big black guy enters in. The first dwarf turns around and say: "See that big guy?"
"Yeah."
"I fucked him."
The second dwarfs looks at the friends eyes and say: "So did I. Shall we run?"
Keeping her abreast
This lady walks into a bar (shes already had too much to drink). She says to the bartender "cartunner, give me a martunny." So he gives her one. She drinks that down and ask for another. He gives her one and she drinks that one. Well, about an hour later she sittin' there and she says "Cartunner, boy do I have heart burn."
By then he's getting fed up with her. "Lady, first of all it's not a martunny, it's a martini. I'm not cartunner, I'm bartender. And you don't have heartburn. Your boob is in the ashtray!"
Clowning around
Two cannibals walk into a bar. They sit down next to a clown. The first one says "I really hate clowns and I'm hungry."
The second agrees with him and suggests they share him. Cannibal one starts at the feet and the second starts on his head. After about 2 minutes of knawing on the clown the second cannibal asks "How are you doing?"
The first cannibal replies "I'm having a ball!"
To which the second screams "Slow down! You're going to fast!"
from E. Nigma
Start your mornings off right
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
Just barely qualifies as a bar joke, but funny
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
So he quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "no, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok."
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.
SO...
Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry hon, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
And the kid says "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars"
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
SO...
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "now let's not start THAT shit again..."
from Greenman
Watch where you crap
Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounder like his partner screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said,"You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Setting the record straight
Substitute the name of the last guy for a buddy3 guys are in a bar.....
1st guy looks at the bartender and says give me an MGD....
The bartender hands him the drink and exclaims, "You have the smallest hands I have ever seen in my whole life!!! I bet those are the smallest hands in the world. You should go to the Guiness Book Of World Records and get in it for the smallest hands in the world."
The man thanks him for the tip and says that he will go down first thing in the morning.
The 2nd man overhearing the conversation buts in and says, "Well I have really small feet." He takes off his shoe and puts his foot on the bar.
The bartender looks and says, "Those are the smallest feet I have ever seen in my whole life!!! I bet those are the smallest feet in the world. You should go to the Guiness Book Of World Records and get in it for the smallest feet in the world."
Not too long after the 3rd man says well I have a really small dick. He unzips his pants and whips it out.
Again the bartender says, "You have a tiny dick. I bet that is the smallest dick in the world. You should go to the Guiness Book Of World Records and get in it for the smallest dick."
So the 3 men go to the guiness book and apply for there records and return to the bar. The bartender asks, "How'd it go?" The first man replies, "It is great!!! I have the smallest hands in the world."
Second man says, "Yeah and I have the smallest feet." The third man is quiet and the bartender asks him if he is alright. The man replies with a puzzled look on his face, "I'm fine, I just wish I knew who this guy named Jeromeo is!!!"
from Jeromeo
Sign of the times
A sign over the men's toilet at the bar reads: "We aim to please - you aim too please."
Lucky Strike
A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey George, how about a beer."
George replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky."
"Why call you Lucky?"
"Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I reliezed I had forgot something in the car. Right after I walk away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on me."
"Boy you are lucky."
The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said "Hey Lucky, how about a beer."
"Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky."
"Now what happened?"
"Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise and shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts."
"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"
"A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".
Change is not always good
Drunk walks into the bar. Tells the bartender he has to go to the bathroom. Bartender points the way, and the drunk staggers off into the can. Comes back a few seconds later, "Hey", he shouts, "Dar ain't no toilet paper in dat bathroom!"
Bartender says "Well, I suggest you use a dollar."
Drunk says "Hey good idea" and staggers back into the can.
Drunk was in there for a long time. When he finally returns, both hands are covered in shit right up to the elbows.
"What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Hell" answers the drunk, "you ever try wiping you ass with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel?"
An old favorite told new
Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, we pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.
Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guys pocket.
Bartender asks whats going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. Once more the little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave."
Guy says "Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!"
"Third wish...I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!"
This page is internationally popular
A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and ino Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
"About 50p" said the patient.
Doesn't Budweiser taste like piss?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I bet for a hundred dollar that, if you give me a beer, I can tell you what kind of beer it is."
So the bartender gives him the first beer and the guy says: "That's an easy one: Budweiser."
The bartender's amazed and gives him the next beer and the guy says: "This one is a Warsteiner."
And every time the bartender gives him a beer, he knows what kind of beer it is. After a while the bartender starts to think: "Shit, this is gonna cost me a hundred dollars. I have to think of something else."
So, he goes to the bathroom, pees in the glass and gives it to the guy. The guy takes the glass, takes a sip, lets it roll in his mouth, swallows it and says: "Well, this is a hard one."
Then he takes another sip and says: "Heineken, but someone has drunk it before."
Lotsa blonde jokes recently
Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?
Price for love
A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
from EricML
Cock a doodle do
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis."
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink."
She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?"
"I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"
from EricML
Against the Law-yers
A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
from EricML
Baby, you can drive my car
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"
Coming out of his shell
A man walks into a bar holding a 25 lb. turtle, whips his penis out, and holds the turtle to it. The turtle bites down and then the man pokes the turtle in the eye and it lets go. He looks around the bar and says "Now is anyone brave enough to try that?"
Then this queer stands up in the back and says "I will if you promise not to poke my eyes out."
But she's smart enough to get up there
Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar??
She heard drinks were on the house.
Pun Intended
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."
So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
from Ray C.
In a row???
These two guys walk into a bar and start taking shots of whiskey. After about four shots they start disputing over who has the larger penis. They decide to whip them out onto the bar.
About that time a gay guy comes walking right up between them. He say's to the bartender "I'll have the chicken wings," then looking down at the bar turns to the bartender again and say's "Nevermind... I'll just have the buffet!"
from Jacob Kaufman
Oh Shit
A man walks into a bar and slips on a big pile of shit all the way up to the bar. The bar man says "Sorry pal, I've been trying to clean that up all week but it won't budge, what 'll it be?" The man orders his drink and thinks nothing of his misfortune.
A second man walks into the bar and again, slips on the pile of shit, skidding up to the bar. The first man casually looks at him and says "I did that five minutes ago", So the second man turns round and punches his lights out.
from Dominic Smithies
Whassa Tarmac?
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
from Dominic Smithies and Cris
Dog Days
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
from Gary Philips
Cowboy Poet
There was a Chinese bartender. One day a white man comes into the bar and orders a coke the Chinese man says "Me Chinese. Me play joke. Me PP in your coke." The next day a black man comes in and orders a coke. The Chinese man says the same thing to the black man. The next day a cowboy comes in andorders a coke and the Chinese man says the same thing but this time the cowboy says "Me cowboy. Me shoot fast. Me put bullet up your ASS."
Anniversary Adversaries
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
Mourning Blonde
A blonde waitress goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, the bartender, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
Animal Control
A bum walks into a bar carrying an old crank organ. He starts to grind out a tune while his little monkey starts pan handling the patrons with his little cup. Then he jumps on the bartenders shoulder and starts poking his little penis in the bartenders ear. Try as he may the bartender can't get the monkey loose. The bartender goes over to the bum who is still cranking away and says "Hey! Do you know your monkey is screwing my god damn ear!"
The bum replies "No, but if you'll hum a few bars..."
Friendly Confines
A man goes to work on a remote island in the middle of the pacific, and he has a walk about to find a bar. He goes in and he notices that there are no women about. He says to the barman "I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?"
The barman replies "There never has been any women on this island and there never will be!, but there's Roger out the back if you want."
The man says, "No sorry, mate. I'm not that way inclined"
Six months pass and he goes in for a beer a again, and he says to the barman, "I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?"
The barman replies, "There never has been any women on this island and there never will be!, but there's Roger out the back if you want."
The man thinks about it for a while and says "no sorry mate i'm not that way inclined"
After a year the bloke is absolutely gagging for a shag and he goes down to the local and He says to the barman "I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?"
The barman replies, "There never has been any women on this island and there never will be!, but there's Roger out the back if you want."
The bloke says to him "If I go out the back with roger how many people will find out?"
The barman says "seven."
He replies "SEVEN?? How the fuck do you work that out!"
He says "Well there'd be me, you, roger and the four blokes holding him down cos he's not that way inclined either!"
Bucking the System
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."
An apple a day
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple on it. The guys looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy takes a bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." He does and it tastes like tonic. He finishes the apple.
A few minutes pass and the guy says, "Gimme a vodka and orange juice." The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the apple.
Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the bartender, "You know, I could sure go for some pussy about now." The bartender nods, reaches below the bar and produces yet another apple. The guys says, "No way man." The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite."
He takes a bite and angrily spits out the apple. "Yuck!! That tastes like shit, man!!!" The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around."
Three mice are sitting in a bar
The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a bad-ass mouse; I'm so tough that in my neighborhood we have these big mouse traps. I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a bad ass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "Thats nothin'. In my heighborhood we have that rat poisin shit, and I grab it and eat, throw it in my water, gargle it. It ain't nothin. I am a bad ass mouse."
The third mouse slams his beer, gets up and starts walking away. The other two look at him and say, "Where are you going?"
The third mouse looks at the other two and says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
I've fallen and I can't get up
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man. After finally finding his house, the mancarries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers.
"Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."
The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question... Where's his wheelchair?"
...from EEK!
Pint-size challenge
A man sitting at the bar announces, "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I'll give you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar. The man sitting next to him gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who left, returns to the bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks where he went.
"Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first"
Old Spice
This guy walks into a bar (not knowing it was a bar for gays) and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "First you have to tell me the name of your penis."
The guy says, "what?"
The bartender repeated, "tell me the name of your penis and I'll fix you a drink."
The guy said to the bartender, "tell me the name of your penis, and I'll tell you mine."
The bartender said, "Chevy-hard as a rock."
The guy said, "Ok...my penis' name is 'Secret'. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
Penguins after a cold one
Two penguins walk into a bar. One falls down. Ouch.
...from the PezPrincess
Angus McClod: Scotch Connoisseur
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
Quitting was never so easy
A group of fellows were out drinking one night, when one poor slob, grievously overserved, passes out. His pals are laughing at his immoderation, and one even peels the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the poor chap's forehead. An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and thinks..."OH MAN!..I better get home NOW!"
He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. "Oh DAMN!" he says, as he pulls over.
The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir...have you been drinking?"
"Well, I had one or two," comes the slurred reply.
Disgusted, the cop says "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser label on your FACE?"
The fellow looks at himself in the mirror..."Oh NO!" he mutters," Those BASTARDS!" His mind racing, he suddenly smiles, looks at the cop and says, "Oh THIS? Well, you see, I am trying to quit drinking, and my doctor gave me this PATCH!"
Never do anything good for anyone
This guy walks into a bar in a hotel and has a couple drinks. After explaining to the bartender that he has no where else to go the female bartender said that she'd let him stay at the hotel for free if he promised not to harm the clothes she had hanging up in her room.
The next morning she awakes angrily to find that her clothes were ripped and thrown on the floor, but when the man asked to stay another night she kindly offered the same room on the condition that he wouldn't shave her cat that slept in that room.
She awoke the next morning to find her cat completely shaved, but like the day before she once again offered the room to the homeless man if he told her that he would not paint the donkey she kept outside the hotel red.
When she awoke to the following morning to find that her donkey was painted red she ran to the police station. When someone asked to help her she said "A man walked into my hotel, ripped my clothes off, shaved my pussy, and slapped my ass red."
Why would anyone want to get married?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Squeezably soft
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." (pangloss)
Mr. Peanut never talked
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,
"Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"
The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!
"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"
He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"
And the man replies, "Good things, why?"
And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts."
People say the funniest things when they’re drunk
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too"
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.
The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"
The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
(cain@shadow.net)
Oedipus at the bar and home
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad."
"Such as?" asks the patron.
"Do you ever go down on her?"
The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"
"I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."
"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"
Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed.
The response in incredible!
Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.
"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"
"Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"
(Don Lewis in Austin Texas)
Slapstick comedy
This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy who is sitting next to him. After a couple of beers they decide to go take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white guy glances at the black's dick.
"Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy.
"Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath tab for ten minutes every morning, and you'll get it."
The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar.
Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start talking.
"Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?"
"I did," says the other guy.
"So, let me see."
The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis.
"Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!" (nikos GR)
The parrot retires in Tahiti
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
I know just how that dog feels
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
(John Coombs, Jr. -- the Pilot of the Airwaves.)
137 Lemmings walk into a bar
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"Ouch!"(Justin Burdette -- Boerne, Texas)
Variety act
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Frankly, I don’t know anyone who wishes they were white
An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.
The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!"
The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot the shit."
Why didn’t he just turn on the light?
This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender.
"I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk.
"I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.
"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.
"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!"
The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.
"What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender.
"I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.
"Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"
We're colonized by wankers
This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
Ribbed or lubricated?
A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money, watches, jewelry and anything else of value or I will inject you with the AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by one everyone hands over all their stuff except one man at the end of the bar.
"I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS virus."
The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom."
Mind over what matters
Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."
He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.
"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.
Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."
Now why wouldn't a woman do the same?
4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?
They turn it over.
This is by no means an endorsement on the term 'fag'
This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out."
The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer."
The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out now."
The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?"
"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.
The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the bartender says.
The fag keeps on drinking.
"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"
The fag still keeps on drinking.
"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"
The fag is still drinking.
Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer."
The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"
I thought the whiskey would help too
This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.
He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.
He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer.
"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the bum?"
The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."
The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"
The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".
Animal Quackers
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
Is it just me, or should they put a sign up telling patrons to watch out for these things?
A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either."
Twah?
So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
Maybe he was blind, but then that's not very funny is it?
A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause you'd think that he would have seen it first.
I'd just like to say: I really hate that Lord of the Dance guy
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT."
Bathrooms: Society needs them
A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"
That's one classy bar
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."
The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"
The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
(from Andrew Ireland)
Someone will have to explain this to me later. Much later.
A man, a duck, and OJ walk into a bar.
A person in the bar says, "Oh, look, a man," and everyone in the bar says some prayer.
The next person in the bar says "Duck," and everyone in the bar ducks.
Finally, a third man says, "Oh, looky there. A killer in a black suit."
OJ says to the man, "Only on weekends."
These are so quick, you don't have time to laugh
A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.
A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere."
He should stick to email
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
No explanation required
A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"
The fish croaks "water."
It's funnier if you think horses can speak
A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: "Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!"
The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'"
Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer® wiener
Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have enough to buy a drink. Homeless #1 says "Lets go buy a hot dog."
Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?"
Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take the dog and put it down my pants, we go to a bar, order some drinks, drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the money, I'll pull down my zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and then the bartender will throw us out for being faggots."
Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2 double Jack and cokes and gulp them down real fast. When the bartender says that will be $10.50, homeless #1 unzips his pants and pulls out the hot dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The bartender jumps over the bar and kicks the two of them out.
The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well, they hit 9 bars and finally Homeless #2 says "Man we're going to have to change or do something else because my knees are hurting from jumping down all the time."
Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the 3rd bar."
(from Sean Dolven)
Riki Tiki Tavi gets a man
A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the ferret and says, "Hey buddy, what's with the ferret?"
The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on the planet…'
The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take your rat with you!"
The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm outta here…"
Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the ferret, drops it on the bar and says "DAMN, that was the best blowjob I've ever had, I'll give you $500 for it."
The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale."
The bartender says "I'll go as high as $2000."
"SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar.
The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When he opens the door to his house, his wife is standing in the kitchen, she says "what the hell is that?"
He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!"
(from John Frink, Prince George B.C.)
Hot Heffer
A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls."
A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!"
(from Joe Devitt)
This is just a warm up
A guy walks into a bar.
The guy behind him ducks.
Dogs are great
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."
This is why we have to check for IDs
A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave.
Barman says "you can't leave that lying there."
Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe."
Can I borrow a feeling?
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."
And this is why we have bathrooms, people
This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle
This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.
"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.
"Sure.", says the bartender.
As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the Q-ball.
"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.
When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.
"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball."
"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the Q-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"
The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the Q-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"
"He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender.
"No he's over that.", explained the guy.
Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.
"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.
The guy comes out of the bathroom.
"Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.
"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits."
They don't say Hanes until I say they say Hanes
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."
Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."
This wasn't even close to being a bar joke, but it happened
Grandad and grandson go bar hopping. The grandad orders a whiskey, takes a swig, then puts it down.
Grandson goes, "Hey grandad, can I get somma that?"
Grandad goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"
Grandson goes, "Nope."
Grandad goes, "Well there's your answer."
After a little while of drinking, grandad pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up.
Granson goes, "Hey grandad, can I get one of those?"
Grandad goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"
Grandson goes, "Nope."
Grandad goes, "Well there's your answer."
So after a little while they get tired and pack up to go home.
On the way home they stop at a little store, and each buys a lottery ticket. The grandad scratches his and wins nothing.
The grandson scratches his and wins $5,000.
Grandad goes, "Hey grandson, can I get somma that?"
Grandson goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"
Grandad goes, "Sure does."
Grandson goes, "Well good, take it and go fuck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin none of this."
Stupid pet tricks
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on his shoulder. He throws the alligator on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender ask why he has the alligator-the man replies that the alligator can do tricks. The bartender as what he can do.
The man pulls out a little hammer from his pocket and hits the alligator on the head-the alligator opens his mouth real wide-the man takes out his penis and puts it in the alligators mouth-the man then hits the alligator on the head with the hammer and the alligator closes his mouth but stops just short of biting his penis. The man hits the alligator on the head again and he opens his mouth. He removes his penis.
The man says-I bet there isn't another person in this room brave enough to do that.
A gay man stands up in the back of the room and replies-I will! I will! If you don't hit me so hard in the head with that hammer.
Who you callin' chicken?
A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
Let's get po-li-ti-cal. Po-li-ti-cal. C'mon and get po-li-ti-cal. Let's get into po-li-ti-cal.
Two guys walk into a bar look over and see a guy that looks just like Hitler. They decide that they had better inform the man of this before he goes out and gets beat up.
The first man says, "Excuse me sir, but we just thought that we'd let you know that you look just like Hitler, and you better be careful where you walk."
The man looks up and says "Oh, that's because I AM Hitler."
The two men look at each other, and the second man asks "Did you just say that you are Hitler?"
The man sitting down says, "Yes, that is what I said. You see, I've been hiding out in Bolivia and reassembling my army to take over the world. First we're going to kill all the Jews, then we're going to kill all the baseball players."
Again the two men look puzzled at eachother, then ask "Why are you going to kill the baseball players?"
The man sitting down then exclaims "See, I told you nobody cared about the Jews!!!!!!!!"
There's no peace in the UK
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
It's no secret
This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, "What's with him?"
The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street."
The man said to the fly, "Works there, but what line of work do you do?"
The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my health."
Every one should write jokes this good
The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
Indecent Proposal
A guy and his wife walk into a bar together. The husband says "I am going to go play pool for a while." And so the wife stays seated at the bar. He then ventures to a back room.
While his wife sits alone, a guy walks up to her and says" ya know, I couldn't help but look and you have got some nice legs"
The lady smiles but says " I am happily married" So politely, the guy leaves.
But he came back 2 minutes later and said" ya know, i would love to just feel your breasts for 1 minute."
Sorta angry the woman says "I told you I was married" and the guy leaves, only to come back 2 minutes later.
This time he says, "ya know, I would love to fill your pussy full of beer and tip you upside down, and drink it all." The woman was not very happy.
She went into the back room to tell her husband. She first said "this guy said he licked my legs" and the husband roles up the sleeve of his right arm. "Then he told me he would like to touch my breasts." Very angry the husband roles up his other sleeve. "Then he said he would love to fill my pussy full of beer and tip me upside down, and drink it all."
The husband started pulling down his sleeves. The wife asks "What are you doing, aren't you going to do something?"
The husband replied, "Honey, I learned a long time ago not to fuck with a man that could drink that much beer."
Pandas are cute until they start firing
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Pray for him, Lord
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Short people got no reason to…
This guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer and a bowl of chili. The barkeep brings it over and sets it before him. Just that quick this little guy jumps off his shoulders drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili! The patron says "another beer and chili please." Barkeep brings him another round and chili, just that quick this little guy jumps down drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili, "another beer and chili." the patron says.
"Hold on," says the barkeep, "I keep bringing you beer & chili, but that shrimp won't let you have your meal. What's the deal?"
"I was walking down the beach came across this Genie bottle and he granted me three wishes," the patron says. "The first wish I wished for a nice mansion <poof> next I wished for lots of money <poof> and for my third wish , I wished for a twelve inch prick ..... and the son-of-a-bitch has been with me ever since!"
(from Yabble)
He's a 3 input guy
A black guy and two Pollocks worked together all their lives in construction. One day, the black guy fell off the scaffolding and died. The cops asked the two Pollocks if there was anything strange about him. The first one says, "No, not that I know of."
The second pollock says, "Yeah, he had two assholes."
The cop then asked how they knew that.
The pollock says, "Whenever we go to the bar down the street for lunch, the bartender yells, 'here comes the nigger with the two assholes'"
Go for 2 next time
A guy walks into a bar and asks "who wants to play Bar Room Football?"
The bartender asks "what is Bar Room Football?"
The guy says "I'll show you." He takes a mug of beer and he says "to get a touchdown, you have to chug down the entire mug of beer at once" and he does it. He then says "to get the extra point, you then have to pull down your pants and fart," and he does it. He then says "does anyone want to play?"
A gay fellow who was sitting in the corner says "I'd like to play" so the game begins. The guy chugs the beer then pulls down his pants and as he is about to fart, the gay pulls down his pants and rams his penis in the guy's ass and begins to shout "block that kick, block that kick"
Don't fear your brother-man
A small guy goes into a bar, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, "Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
Eee-aw! Eee-aw!
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
The Joy Luck Club
Three ladies are sitting at a bar.
One says "my pussy is so big my husband can stick his fist up it."
The second lady says "mine is so big my husband can stick BOTH fists up it!"
The third lady just laughed and slid down the bad stool.
Are these the same ones?
These three hookers walk into a bar.
The first one says "I had such a good night, I did business with 5 guys. Give me a long neck." She drank the beer and then shoved the empty bottle up her twat.
The second one said "Yeah well that's nothing. I did business with 10 guys. Give me a bottle of Jim Beam." She finished the bottle of Jim Beam and Stuck that up her twat.
The third one just smiled and slid down her barstool.
Be careful what you wish for
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.
The wife asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room.
After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife if she minded if he asked her a few questions. "No, I don't mind," she replied.
"How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
Then the genie asked, "So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
Religious undertones... please don't sue
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Mmmm... forbidden donut...
This guy walks into a bar and sees this donut drinking a beer. So he walks up to her and says, "Hey, baby, what's your sign.."
The donut looks at him with disgust and says "I'm a torus, you moron..."
You sound like a duck... quack-quack-quack...
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
Preparing for rear-entry
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
Girls are really good at math... really
A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."
The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!"
Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L."
With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?"
The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"
Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15."
The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"
The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7."
Sour times
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
3 ducks on one page?
This guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender, who's seen just about everything says, "what can I get you?"
To which the duck replies "you can start by getting this guy off my ass."
I thought only toads had warts and that it was a myth
This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "hey, what's that?"
To which the Frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my ass and this happened."
Hot Duck
A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Up there is Down there
This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".
The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a bellerina!"
Dogs playing with balls
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Dogs playing with the blind
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?"
The blind man says"Just taking a look around.."
Bear Facts
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears."
The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me."
The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too."
The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."
So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."
But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next."
The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs."
The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate."
I don't get this one but it's here anyway
An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says "Bartender, I'd like to buy that old douchebag down there a drink."
Somewhat offended, the bartender replies "Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I don't appreciate you calling my female customers douchbags."
The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered "you're right, that was uncalled for...please allow me to buy the woman a cocktail."
"That's better" said the bartender and he approached the woman. "Ma'am, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink... what would you like?"
"How nice!" replied the woman, I'll have a vinegar and water.
I must be dense... huh??
Three guys walk into a bar. One Italian, one Polish and a Black guy.
They see a guy sitting at the end of the bar and the Black guy says "Hey isn't that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar?"
The Polish guy says "It sure looks like him."
The Italian says "Yeah, I think you guys are right. But he looks a little depressed, lets buy him a drink."
So they hail the bartender and tell him to get Jesus a drink.
Jesus accepts the drink and finishes it down and then walks over to the guys to thank them. He walks over to the Italian guy first and says "Thank you my son" and touches the back of the Italian guys head.
The Italian says "Hey it's gone. I can see clearly now! Thank You Jesus!" The italian guy proceeds to takes off his glasses.
Jesus then walks up to the Polish guy and touches him on the shoulder and says "Thank you my son."
The polish guy says "Wow, I can move again. My arthritis is gone! Thank you Jesus!" and the Polish guys jumps for joy.
Jesus then goes over to the black guy to thank him. Jesus says "Thank you my son."
The black guy jumps back and says "Wait a minute, don't even think about touching me Jesus I'm on compensation!"
Sealed Delivered
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
Comin' in from da cold, mon
A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man. Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"
The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."
Listerine
A guy comes into a bar and sees two women coming out of the bathroom. One sits at one end and the other sits at the other end. One looks really good and the other one is average. He thinks to himself, "there is no way I can get with the really hot one, so I'll talk to the average one and maybe work my way up to the really hot one."
So he starts conversation with the one woman and they having a nice conversation. The she asks him, "Do you like my friend over there?" pointing to the woman at the other end of the bar.
The guy says, "Well, uh, uh, yea, I guess I like her."
So she asks, "Do you think she's pretty?"
The guy says, "Well uh, yea, she's pretty."
She then asks, "Do you wanna smell her pussy?"
The guy tentatively responds, "Uh, Uh, well, sure, yea, yea."
The woman smiles and puts her mouth to his nose and breathes out, HUUUH!
Texans are crazy people
A gay guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Is this a gay bar?"
"No." replies the bartender.
"O.K. I'll just take a glass of water and sit in the corner."
While the gay guy is drinking his water, a cowboy comes in and says. "Man, I'm so thirsty, I could drink the sweat off of a cow's balls."
So the gay walks right in front of the cowboy, drops his pants, and says with a smile on his face,"Moo moo buckaroo!"
A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wiseass. The wiseass walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"
"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wiseass.
"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.
The wiseass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!"
"Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wiseass if he could try the little joke.
"Be my guest," replies Mr. Smartypants. So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining."
Open for business (down there)
A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees this girl named Suzy, and he thinks she has nice legs. So he names the bar "Suzy's Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys are sitting outside of the bar. A cop walks up to them, and says "What are you doing?"
And one guy turns and says, "We're waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so we can go in and get a bite to eat."
Habit at
This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you."
The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."
The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested.
This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask.
"Is everything all right?" the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" replied the gentleman.
"Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?"
"No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."
Boners
A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a roll of paper towels".
A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a mop".
And a bloody mess ensued
99 guys walk into a bar the 100th ducked
Even up there you can go down there
A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks "what can I get you."
The giraffe says "Get me a beer. I all ready had two hi-balls."
Another case of mistaken identity
A guy walks into a bar with a little yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm.
"That's one ugly dog," says another patron while petting his Doberman.
"Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little SOB."
"That so" says the other patron, "bet $20 my dog will kick his ass in less than two minutes"
The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each gives the command to attack. In the twinkling of an eye the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman's owner is crying and cussing, and screams "What kind of damn dog is this?"
"Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator."
The birthplace of man
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey - that's neat - where did you get him?"
The parrot responds "In Africa - there's millions of 'em."
So bad I had to include it
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices"
Old grudges
There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.
About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."
Somethings are better left unknown
A man walked into a bar and met a very attractive young woman. He bought her a couple of drinks and things were going great. He went into the men's room to take a leak and a man approached and said: "You know that..uh...lady you're with?...She's got one twice as big as that little skimpy wiener of yours!"
Our man wasn't sure if this was a line of crap or really true. After all he had seen some incredibly good-looking "he-shes" on Geraldo. Far from being upset, however, between his latent tendencies and the alchohol in his system he was intrigued and turned on by the possibility he was actually with a man. He became more and more obsessed with a desire to find out, and was pleased when "she" agreed to a ride in his car when the bar closed. Shortly after they took off "she" said, "We need to pull over, I need a restroom stop."
"Me too!" he said, "This beer is going right through me." She suggested a deserted road up ahead that was heavily wooded and dark where they would not be bothered. He eagerly agreed and each took off behind a tree. His curiosity became more and more compelling, so after relieving himself he snuck up behind her. Lo and behold! In the dim light he could faintly see the outline of 2" in diameter x 10" in length hanging down between her legs!! At this point he was totally overcome with lust and could not contain himself. He snuck up behind her and suddenly grabbed hold as hard as he could!!
"Oh!! I didn't know you were back there!!" she said.
"Oh dear!" he said, " I didn't know you were doing number two!!"
from Don Lewis from Austin Texas
Talking lions and mice: That's funny stuff
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.
"Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.
Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined, an ex-mouse (and no, it wasn't Ex-Mouse Eve
). The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!"
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.
"Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
People want credit for this humour? Sickos.
A Chinese man walks into a bar and seats himself in front of the Afro-American Bartender. "Get me a jigger, Nigger!" he says. The = bartender asks him to repeat the request which he does.
The bartender says, "You know, Man, I understand that in this position, dealing with drunks and all, I can expect a certain amount of flak, but, hey, I think you're over the line, Man. Tell you what, let's trade places. Here put this apron on and get back here."
The Chinese dons the bartending apron and goes behind the counter. "Get me a drink, Chink!" says the Afro-American.
"Ah! So velly solly....can't serve nigger!"
from Don Lewis from Austin Texas
The tinkling of the keys
A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man. I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down. Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI."
"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune." The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"
"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.
"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."
The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager.
"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?"
"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."
That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?"
"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"
from Don Lewis from Austin Texas
In a drunken stupor, I now add this one
A gay man was traveling through Wyoming when he walked into a bar in a little cowboy town one afternoon and was surprised to find it deserted. "Where ith everybody?" he lisped.
"Down at the hanging at the town square." was the bartender's reply.
"Oooh...I've never seen a hanging," said the gay man, "How do I get there?" The bartender gave him directions, and, an hour later, the gay man returned---rather shaken. "What did that poor boy do to deserve such a fate?" he asked.
"He was a fucking fag." replied the bartender.
The gay man drew himself up, "NO SHIT!!!" he said in a deep booming voice.
from Don Lewis from Austin Texas
Desparado
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he had ever heard of a wild neighborhood character named "Eldorado."
"Certainly," said the bartender. "Last Wednesday he came by at noon drunk out of his mind. He had a loaded revolver and he made me drop my drawers down to my ankles. Next he made me squat down and shit on the floor. Then he made me scoop it up with my hands, and THEN... he made me eat it! But after I was through eating my own shit, his attention lapsed and I was able to get the gun away from him. I made HIM drop his drawers, I made HIM shit on the floor, and, finally, I made HIM scoop it up and eat it. So....you ask me 'Do I know Eldorado?' Hell! I had lunch with him just last week!" from Don Lewis from Austin Texas
I wonder: is it that DiMaggio dog again?
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.
"That's not my dog." was the answer.
from Don Lewis from Austin Texas
Our readers like it down there
A drunken polish guy walks into a bar and puts his money down and orders a bourbon. Several minutes go by and suddenly the drunken polish guy leans over and tells the bartender "hey, theres a gorilla at the other end of the bar." The bartender replies "that's my pet gorilla, Mable."
"I never knew anybody who had a gorilla for a pet" replied the Polish guy.
The bartender then tells the customer "watch this" and calls out "Mable, get over here." Mable comes over to the bartender and while standing in front of the bartender, the bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a hammer, hits Mable in the head with it. Mable drops to her knees, pulls down the bartenders zipper, takes out his penis and starts sucking it.
The drunken polish guy is in total shock and exclaims "I never saw anything like that before."
The bartender then tells the pollock "You want one."
The pollock tells the bartender "Ok, but don't hit me in the hard so hard."
Swap Meat
Two guys walk into a bar and are scamming for two legged females.
The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one nighter.
The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy.
The first guy says, "I think my wife is better."
The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is better!"
I love animal jokes
A guy walks into a bar and sees a large old dusty horse in the back corner with a large bucket of money next to it. The guy strolls up to the bar and asks the bartender what is the deal with the horse and the bucket. "You go back there, put a dollar in the bucket, tell the horse a joke and try to make it laugh. As yo can by the full bucket, no one can make it laugh" replies the bartender.
"Ok" says the man, and he goes back, puts his dollar in the bucket, leans over to the horse and whispers in it's ear. Well the man hasn't even straightened up the horse just laughing! the man picks up the bucket and proceeds to walk out of the bar, all the while the horse just can't contol itsef from laughter.
2 weeks pass and the same man comes back to the same bar and sees the same horse in the back corner, still with a smile on its face and again a large bucket of money next to it. The man asks the bartender "what, no one else has made the horse laugh??"
The bartender replies "Are you kidding? We can't get the horse to stop! The new prize goes to anyone that can make the horse stop laughing."
"Great" says the man, and he walks over towards the horse. The horse, seeing the man coming, starts to chuckle and snicker out loud, trying to again contain itt's laughter. The man gets himself infront of the horse in a way that no one in the bar can see him, and the horse just looks saddend and just starts crying. The man again picks up the bucket and starts to head out of the bar.
"Wait a minute" yells the bartender. "First we couldn't get the horse to laugh, then we couldn't get it to stop! What did you tell that horse?!"
"It was simple" said the man, "2 weeks ago I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him, and today I showed him!"
One of these days, Alice... Bang, zoom, pow!
A regular walks into his bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting up his usual, and our man, Dave, says "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has goten into him? Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me cominghome late & drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue ..."
"Hey - no problem!" The bartender says, as he starts setting Dave up again.
"Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure - just got paid."
"OK," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home & she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, & starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, the wife meets him at the door screaming: "Damnit Dave - I've told you! That's it ... !"
"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!"
She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a $100 bill."
"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well."
You've got a car in the garage with a body minus a head. Take me to it.
A man's head without a body comes floating into a bar and orders a drink. He sort of slirps the drink down, and all of his torso appears. He orders another drink, slirps that one down, and suddenly he has leg. "This is great," he says to the bartentender, "give me another drink. Let's get my arms back." The bartender pours him another, he slirps it down, and suddenly he disappears altogether.
The guy sitting next to where he was says to the bartender, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Those crazy quantum elementals
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Risky Family Business
A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife."
"But what about the smell?" Someone asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
'round here, we like to go down there
A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What'll ya have?"
"Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee!"
The bartender begins serving the man. The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them, and lights a cigarette.
"So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blow-job".
"Really, How was it?"
"Not too bad but I can still taste it!"
There were numerous versions submitted of this joke, so I just kinda put my telling skills to test.
Come fly with me
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
Switch-hitters
A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blond women sitting down. He approaches the bartender and asks: "Excuse me could I'd like to buy those two ladies a couple of drinks."
But the bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians."
"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about."
And the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?"
So the young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?"
And one answered politely, "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...."
And the young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!"
Everyone loves dog jokes and bar jokes
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks "what's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside".
The dog answers "ROOF".
The bartender says "who are you kidding, I'm not paying".
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks "who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers "Roof".
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
Anne Rice would be proud
Vampire #1: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.
Vampire #2: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.
Vampire #3: Walks into the bar.
bartender: Says, "Let me guess, you want a Bloody Mary"
Vampire #3: Replies, "No, just give me a cup of hot water." He then pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "I'm having tea today!"
Sad clown story
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second clown looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
I... would... like... a... drink... please...
This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bartender finally opens the door. bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The bartender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bartender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.
A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
Sad Man Story
This depressed man walks into a bar and starts talking to the bartender. The man says, "I just found out today that my older brother is gay!"
The bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out.
The next day, the same man walks into the bar again looking even more depressed. The bartender starts talking to him again. The man replies, "I just found out today that my younger brother is gay!"
The bartender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out. The following day, the same man crawls into the bar in a really bad shape. The bartender asks, "My God man, what happened to you?"
The man replies, "I just found out that my dad is gay!" The bartender replies, "Doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" The man thinks for a little while and then says, "Yeh, my sister!"
Take the pebble from my hand
A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here."
The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?"
(125,12)
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
Bagging out
A gay guy walks into a bar with a small paper bag and says "the guy that can tell me what's in this bag can go home with me tonight."
An big mean oversized biker turns and says "there is a 20 ton pink polka dotted elephant in your bag".
The room erupts with laughter.
The gay guy opens the bag, peeks in and says "I think we have a winner".
Uh... Okay....
A man walked in to a bar and said to the bartender that he had a bad day at work and wanted 1 shot of everything he had in the bar. The bartender poured 1 shot of everything in to a glass and the man drank it down and staggered out.
The next day the man came back in and the bartender said it looks like you had another bad day at work, and the man said no way. He said i went home last night and was blowing chunks all night. the bartender said oh you got a little sick? The man said, no chunks is my dog.
Right good f'om down unda, mate!
So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.
"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him the definition:
- PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot)
- n. A woman who performs services for money.
The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition:- KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare)
- n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
Squiddly Wow Wow
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in here!"
The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here."
The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it."
The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune.
The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this."
The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it.
By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bag-pipes.
The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win."
The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll play it."
Zip. Zip. Zip. Here's some quickies!
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
Baby seal walks into a club...fucking tragedy.
A horse walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
I guy walks into a bar, "Ouch!" he said.
A gay man walks into a bar and says to someone at the bar, "May I push in your stool?" Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
(from Matt Brody)
Down there again, Magilla?
A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says, "just don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla."
I love you, man
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
"I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite."
Taxing Drink
A man with an alligator walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "do you serve IRS agents here?"
"Yes," he said.
"Good, give me a beer, and my gator'll have an IRS agent!"
Things People Make
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
Tightly Fitted
A chick went into a bar wearing such a tight pair of pants that the lounge lizard watching her asked her, "Honey, how do you get into your pants?"
She smiled and said, "you can start by ordering me a drink!"
Miss Communication
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig out of here!" yelled the bartender.
"That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!"
"I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!"
She's an Ape man
A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife."
"But what about the smell?" someone asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
Betcha can't eat just one
Two guys walk into a bar. "This is a great bar," said the first. "For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one, and the pinball machines in back are free."
"That's nothing," responded the second. "There's a bar across town that matches you drink for drink, and you can get laid in back for free."
"Where's this place?" asked the first.
"Oh, I don't know," the second one replied, "but your wife goes there all the time, ask her."
Get in line, bud
A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts, "you all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers." Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar. "where are you going, squirt?" The big man asked.
"I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"
Horse Sense
A cowboy tied his horse to a hitching post and went into a bar for a drink. When he returned, his horse's nose had been painted green. He stormed back into the bar asking who had done this to his horse.
"I did", a huge mean-looking cowboy said.
"Well," gulped the first, "I came to tell you that the first coat is dry."
Baaah-d Pun
A lonely reporter, sent out west to cover the goldrush, walked into a small town bar. He asked one of the local prospectors seated at the bar what they did for female companionship.
"Fuck sheep", the fellow replied.
After verifying that the few local saloon girls were indeed so ugly that sheep looked good, he resolved to remain celibate. But after several months he broke down and went out and cornered a nice sheep and took it to his hotel room to wine and bed it. The next day when he took his 4-legged concubine to the bar for a drink, everybody stared at him like he was crazy.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" he shouted, "You've been fucking sheep for years, and now that I have gone as low as you, you all stare at me like I'm a crazy pervert!"
A cowboy in the back of the room then spoke up, "But tenderfoot, that's the sheriff's gal!"
Whizzer of Odd
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, who's none too friendly, hands him the drink. The guy downs it in a single swallow and slams the glass down on the counter. Then he slides it off to the end of the bar.
"That'll be two bucks," grunts the bartender.
"Hey," says the guy, "I'll bet you $100 I can piss in that glass and not spill a drop."
The bartender chuckles figuring "hey, easy money." "Alright," he says.
The man then unzips his fly and takes out his penis and begins to whiz. He goes crazy whizzing on the counter, on the bar stool, the floor, all over the furniture and even gets some on the bartender--everywhere but the glass. All this time, the bartender's laughing his head off because of how stupid it looks and that he's winning the bet.
When the guy finally stops, pee all over the place, the bartender still can't stop laughing. "Aw, you dummy, you hit everything but the glass. You owe me 100 bucks."
"Yes. You're right. Okay, give me a second." So the guy goes into the back and talks to two other guys and then comes back with $300. He slaps the $100 on the piss-soaked table. "There."
Perplexed, the bartender asks "Who were those guys?"
"Who? Them? Oh, I bet them $300 that I could piss on the bar, the floor, and you and not only would you not get mad, you'd enjoy it."
Ba-dump!
A guy walks into a bar.
A second guy walks into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
Silly Strings
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the bartender.
"What? That sucks," said the string.
So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
"No. I'm a frayed knot."
Dogs in bars? Not in my town!
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in.
Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
Very funny
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.
"Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."
This one requires some explanation so according to my friend E.D., it's funny because:
The beverage that we know as "Scotch" is actually a blend of whiskeys from several distilleries. A single malt scotch is the product of one distillery only. Single malts from different distilleries exhibit different characteristics, depending on things like the type of malt used to make the mash, length of aging, the peat used to fire the fermenting kettles, that sort of thing. Unlike blended scotch, single malts are almost all aged a minimum of 12 years. Single malts from northern Scotland typically have a darker, smokier flavour than do ones from the south. Single malt afficionados rival die-hard oenophiles in their descriptions of the subtleties of a particular distillery's product.
Single malt prices typically start at the price of a 12 year old blended scotch, i.e. $20 or less for 750ml, and go up from there. I would think that a 30 year old single malt would sell for at least $5-$6 a shot in a bar, perhaps more like $10.
- FYI
- oenophile: A collector and/or connoiseur of wine.
LEO the lion goes GER
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Lactose Intolerant
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Funny if you laugh
This MUSHROOM walks into this bar and sits down at the counter. He was about to order a drink when the bartender took one look at him and said:
"Hey! Get out of here!! WE don't serve MUSHROOMS in this place!!"
Stunned, the MUSHROOM exclaimed: "Awh C'mon I'm a Fun-gi!"
Piano Lesson
A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none of my business, but what do have in the case?"
Without saying a word, the man opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years.
"Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with the case. "Where did you get him?"
"I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to rest. The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish."
"That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?"
"Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word."
"Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?"
"Tell me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?"
P'tooey!
A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.
he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.
after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.
Eh-ha...
A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says; "I've been working on a top-secret project on molecular genetics for the past five years and I've just got to talk to someone about it."
The bartender says; "Wait a minute. Before we talk about that, just answer me a few questions...When a deer defecates, why does it come out like little pellets?"
The guy didn't know that. The bartender then asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands on the ground and looks like a coiled rope?"
The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The bartender then says, "You don't know shit! and you want to talk about molecular genetics?"
Down there again? You're insatiable!
Four guys and the bartendar are in a bar. In walks a pretty lady. She goes up to the bartender and sez. "Gimme 6 martinis" The bartender pours her a martini and sets it infront of her She sez. I wanted 6 martinis!! He sez Drink that one then i'll give you another. The lady sez You misunderstand..i want 6 martinis NOW!!
The bartender pours the rest of the martinis. The girl downs all 6 martinis..one right after the other. She stands at the bar..and passes out flat on her back..her dress having fallen up..exposing her panties. All the guys look at the lady laying there. The bartender sez..let's all fuck her.. she'll never know...so they all do. The lady finally comes to sits up..straightens her dress and leaves. one week later, the bartender looks up and sees the lady coming in again. he sez to her..I bet you want six martinis!! the lady replies...No..Martinis make my pussy hurt and swell...
He confused, ya!
This guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills and says to the bartender, whats that for. The bartender says put a $100 and i'll tell ya. so the guy does and the bartender says well 1st you hafta drink this whole bottle of whisky. Then you hafta go knock out the bouncer w/ 1punch then you must go downstairs and get a tooth from the bulldog. After that you go upstairs and screw the lesbian lady. So the drinks the whisky, knocks out the bouncer and then goes down for the tooth. Everyone hears a moaning sound and then the guy comes up and says, now where's that bitch w/ the loose tooth.