(Mama Mia!)

Mia had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don' worry, Mia. Rico, he's a good man. Go upstairs and he take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Rico took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Rico's got a big hairy chest." "Don' worry, Mia," says the mother," all good men hava hairy chests. Go upstairs. He take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Rico took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Rico took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don' worry. All good men have hairy legs. Rico, he's a good man. Go upstairs and he take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Rico took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes! When Mia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Rico's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stirra the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Moan For Me

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that gorgeous secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had."

Heaven

Two men who were waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation."How did you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man."You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. Evenutally, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, .... how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and, just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the deep freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

Adam and Eve

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

The rabbi

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?" "Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately." "So I can't dance with my own wife?" "No." "Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?" "Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!" "What about different positions?" the man asks. "No problem," says the rabbi. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Why not?" replies the rabbi. "How about doggie-style?" "Of course!" "Well, what about standing up" the man asks. "NO!!" says the rabbi!! That can lead to dancing!!

A genie?

A couple was playing golf when one of them hit the ball and it strayed, breaking a window in an ajoining condo. The wife said, "Maybe we should go there and see if anyone was hurt." The husband agreed and they proceeded to the building. They located the place where the window was broken, opened the door, and there, sitting on the floor and a bit dazed was a man. "We are the people who hit the ball and broke your window. Are you all right?" The gentleman replied, "Yes, I'm find. And I want to thank you. The ball you hit through the window struck a vase that was sitting in front of it. I am a genie who has been trapped in the bottle for thousands of years!. What can I ever do to repay you for freeing me? "The couple said they didn't need anything. The genie replied, "There must be something you want in return for freeing me. Think of your heart's desire and let me grant you each your wish."The wife replied, "Well, it would be lovely to own a huge mansion with servants so we can have our friends over whenever we want."The genie replied, "Your wish is granted!" He said to the husband, "Think of your heart's desire and let me grant you your wish."The husband replied, "I could use $50 million so that I can stay at home with my wife and we can visit our friends together." The genie replied, "Your wish is granted!" The couple thanked the genie and asked if there was anything they could do for him, as he had been so generous. The genie replied, "Well, I hope you don't misunderstand this, but I have been locked in the bottle for so long, I don't remember what it is like to have intimate relations with a woman. Could I please make love to your wife? "The couple looked at each other and agreed, since the genie had been so wonderful to them. The genie and the woman went up the stairs to the bedroom and began to make love. The genie asked, "How old is your husband?" The wife replied, "He's 31." The genie then asked "And how old are you?" The wife replied that she was 28. The genie said, "That's a little old to be believing in genies, isn't it?

Doctor's cure

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem, In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came running out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later, the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

Dirty Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Bad sex

An elderly couple was traveling accross country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.... Patrolman: "Mam...you were speeding." Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!" Patrolman: "May I see your license please." Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LICENSE!" The old woman hands the patrolman her license. Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had the worst sex I've ever had with a women there." Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"

Dirty old man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!" "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!"..................... "$200" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" $500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MYGOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

Old folks shennagins

At the Old Folks Home Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was about a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in her game. One day, Ethel was speeding down the corridor when a door opened and a resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in the handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, which she held up to him. "OK," he said and she went on her way. After she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got a valid tax decal for that vehicle, Madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster which she held up to him, and he allowed her to proceed. As she went down the final corridor before the front door, a third resident stepped out of his room in front of her, holding up one hand for her to stop. But this man was stark naked! And he was holding a very sizable erection in his other hand, pointing it directly at her! "Oh no," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!

Blame it on the Bellboy...

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot". The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...". The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Genie part 2

Two guys were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do" he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a Bic lighter that was a foot long. "Wow," said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie," he asked? "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag. Can I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes, I will," the genie said so the guy asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the guy looks up and sees a million ducks flying overhead. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

Celibacy

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly."What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the topshelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We Know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Foodtown anymore either."

Labor pains

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine = to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch!

Cabbies

A cabby picks up a nun as a fare. He decides to see if he can embarrass her. The cabby says, "Sister, what do nuns think about oral sex?" The sister replies, "A lot has changed in the church. We tend to think of oral sex about the same way as masturbation. It's acceptable, as long as it doesn't violate the tenants of marriage." The cabby decides to press on, "Sister, what do you personally know about oral sex?" The sister replies,"I have read about various techniques, but I am a little shy on practice!" The cabby senses an opportunity. "Sister, how would you like to practice on me?" She answers, "Well, you must be Catholic and single." The cabby replies, "Yes Sister, I am." So they pull off the road, the driver moves to the back, and the nun gives him the most incredible oral sex he has ever had. The exhausted cabby moves back to the front of the car and starts driving. He finally has to speak, "Sister, that was the best I've ever had, but I have to tell you something. I am actually Jewish and I'm married!" To which the nun replies, That's O.K., my son. My name is Greg and I'm on my way to a costume party."