Irish Jokes

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
So that he will look forward to making the trip.

Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath.

Q. What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A. Patty O'Furniture

Q. What's gross ignorance?
A. One hundred and forty-four Irishmen.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A. He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q. How do you identify an Irish helicopter?
A. It has ejector seats.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mt. Everest?
A. They ran out of scaffolding.

Q. But what about the Frenchman and the Irishman who both jumped off the Eiffel Tower?
A. The Frenchman got killed, and the Irishman got lost.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Q. Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
A. It has a 12 month waiting list.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishmen who were asked to be a Jehovah witness ?
A. They refused because they had not seen the accident.

Q. What happened to the Irish Sea Scouts?
A. Their tent sank.

Q. How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A. He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Q. Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A. One less Drunk

Q. Why is the wheelbarrow the world's greatest invention?
A. Because it taught the Irish to walk upright.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends?
A. A shepherd!

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. Tim went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

Newly arrived in Boston from the old country, Paddy O'Shea called his brother back home. "Sean, it's amazin, these American cities. On most every street, they got glass outhouses, and it's TELEPHONES they put in 'em!"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

An Irishman went to Somerset House, and said he wanted to change his name. They asked him what his name was.
He said "Michael Shite-house"
When they asked him what he wanted it changed to, he said "Eric"

"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonergan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?" The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute." "Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us." An Irishman named O'Sullivan arrived at Pearson Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No, I've lost all my luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out."

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

< Pat is going thru the train, yelling: "Is there a priest on board?" A COE minister hears him, and identifies himself, and askes if he can be of any help. "Sure, no, we need a priest!" yells Pat, as he continues. On his way back, Pat is still yelling for a priest. The minister again gets up, and asks if Pat's *sure* he can't help. Pat replies, "No, sure an' we need a priest." "Why?" asks the minister. "We need a church key."

Two Irishmen making a bomb when 'BOOM', it goes off. "Murphy I've lost my legs"
"No you haven't Paddy, you stupid arse! They're over there in the corner!"

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was taller than that."

O'connor was summoned for killing a dog by running it over with his car. The magistrate asked him how he had missed seeing the dog in the headlights while he was clearly visible with his leg cocked against a tree. O'connor said: " I did so see that, your honour, sir, but at the time I thought he was turning right"

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! " Two Irish men, Paddy & Murphy were walking down a country road, when they observed a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. The other man shouted up "NOW, NOW" to his friend who promptly pulled him up. To Paddy & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms. Paddy & Murphy decided to give this plan a try, so they walked on to the next bridge where Paddy dangled Murphy over the bridge. After five minutes Murphy started to scream up.

MURPHY: "PADDY, PADDY PULL ME UP!!".

PADDY: "HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?"

MURPHY: "NO, THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'"

A woman with a baby in her arms was screaming from a third floor window.

The crowd below shouted, "Throw the baby down and we'll catch it!!"

The woman replied, "NO! It'll be killed!!."

At that moment, out of the crowd stepped O'Reilly.

He shouted up to her, "I'm the Irish goalie, and I've never dropped a ball yet. Throw the baby down and I'll catch it!."

The woman trusted him, and dropped the baby towards him. Just then, a gust of wind blew the baby to one side. O'Reilly dived and caught the baby.

The crowd cheered wildly.

O'Reilly bounced the baby three times and kicked it over the roof.

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on The question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't know".You put down "Neither do I ".

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that". The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast". The young mother says again "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"

Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

< A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he'sin need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this isjust an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

In the latter days of WWII, three soldiers were brought to a temporary Axis POW camp. The three were French, British and Irish. A quartermaster lackey was asking them how much underwear they needed for their stay. "Four," said the Briton. "Why four?" asked the Q.L. "Why, one for each week of the bloody month," the BPOW replied. The Frenchman was asked how many. "Seven," he replied. "One for each day of the week." The Q.L. looked at the Irishman, who replied "Twelve." Three pairs of eyebrows went up. The Irishman explained, "One for January, one for February...."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside.

"Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..

He got out...

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."

The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."

"No."

"Was it Rosie Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"

"No."

"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness."

"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "hey, pal, I don't mind bringing one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold."

"Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened.

With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?"

The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing. "No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent."

Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on Business.

As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a assortment of Human Skulls.

"What are you doing?" asked the American.

"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.

People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man.

During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

"Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's Correct!" said the Irishman.

"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick."

"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!"

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you lad?"

"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key."

About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks,
"Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"

"And the winning ticket is number 11," Father Ted called at the charity raffle. Everybody looked around to see who had won the prize but no one had their hand up.
"Didn't you have ticket number 11 Father Dougal?" Father Ted urged.
"So I do Father," said Father Dougal. "I'm sorry, I was looking at it upside down!"