Little Johnny Jokes

A Sunday School teacher said, "We'll now read a chapter in unison." Little Johnny whispered to the kid next to him, "Is unison in the old or new testament?"

It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers." After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny asked: "How will that help?"

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly: "MOMMYMOMMEY, IWAS ATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down, she wants to hear the story, so Johnny tells her; "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

The teacher asked her class to use the word choo-choo in a sentence. First she called on Alice who said "The choo-choo pulled the train up the hill and down the hill."

"Good," the teacher replied. Next she turned to Leroy and said, "Please use choo-choo in a sentence."

"The choo-choo be chugging real fast."

"All right," said the teacher. Then she asked, "Armondo, can you use the word choo-choo in a sentence?"

Armondo says, "You touch my car an I'll choo-choo."

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Little Johnny was sitting on the front porch steps. While his mother was in the kitchen, she was watching little Johnny. He had a bag of M&Ms in his and a cat right beside him. Little jihnny would eat an M&M, Bite the cat and move down a step. His mother looked at little Johnny and thought she needed to go see what he is doing. WHen she walks outside he does it again. Eats an M&M, bites the cat and moves down a step.

His momma says,"Little Johnny what the hell are you doing!"
Johnny says,"I'm practicing truck driver."
"Truck Driver", mom.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and movin' on."

Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

Out in the backwoods of some midwestern state, little Johnny arrives at school an hour late.

Teacher: "Why are you so late, John?"
John : "My big brother got shot in the ass."
(the teacher corrects his speech)
Teacher: "Rectum."
Johnny : "Wrecked him!? It damn near killed him!"

Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework, so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school -- you'll have to do it in your head."

The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting, Charlie announces "Eleven!"

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.

First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."

Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."

Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."

Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."

Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!!!!"

Little Jethro got up late one night for a glass of water and walked in front of his parents door. His Ole Pa was frantically humpin' his Ole Lady. Little Jethro said,"Paaaa watcha doin'?" Being a quick thinker Pa said, "Why I'm ridin' the Horsey Jethro!" Little Jethro asked his Pa if he could jump on his Pa's back, and Ole Pa said "Sure." Well after about five rough and tumble minutes Jethro's Ma started moaning and groaning, and little Jethro said, "Pa, you just be careful now, the last time Ma played horsey she throwed the Milkman off!!!"

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class.
He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence.
The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R.
Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a
big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have
his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the
joint to little Suzy and said "Ear"

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'."

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"

Little Johnny was punished in English class because he bothered other students. For his punishment he needed to know the first 3 letters of the alphabet by the next day. He came back home with a sad face.. His mom was in the kitchen, was peparing dinner as she saw him come in..

"What's wrong Johnny? What happened at school today?" mom said..
"The tutor punished me and I had to learn the first 3 letters of the alphabet" replies Johnny..
"Well go to your sister, she will help you out..."

So little Johnny went upstair as he opened his sister's room. she was having sex with her boyfriend at that time.
Johnny: "Sis? what is the first letter of the alphabet?"
Sis: "Get the hell outta here, you are too young"

So he moved onwards, to his little brother's room.. who was watching cartoons.. Johnny: "Jim? What is the second letter of the alphabet?"
Jim: "I am Cornholio.. I need TP for my bunghole"

With great frustration he moved to his older sister's room who was listening to her CD's.. she turned them up loud.
Johnny: "Jenny? What is the thirt letter of the alphabet?"
Jenny: "Yeah yeah yeah.."
And so the day went by, the teacher came up to him and said Teacher: "Well little Johnny, I hope you have learned what was given, so tell me now, what is the first letter of the alphabet?"
Johnny: "Get the hell outta here, you are too young!" He screamed out.
Teacher: "What? say that again? who on Earth do you think you are?"
Johnny: "I am Cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole"
Teacher: "Get out of class immidiatly!!"
Johnny: "yeah yeah yeah.. "

Little Johnny went out to the field for recreation period. One of the sixth grade girls asked him to come with her and play inn the bushes. So Little Johnny went along with her. When they got into a small clearing in the bushes, she asked him: "let me see your peter". Little Johnny responded: "What's a peter?". She said: "well if you don't know what a peter is, I don't want to play with you anymore".

After school, Little Johnny was quite shaken. His father came home from work. Little Johnny asked his dad "Dad, whats a peter?" . His dad unziped his pants and pulled it out. He said: "Son, this is a peter, and its a PERFECT peter!".

Little Johnny went to school the next morning, and when break to recreation came around, he found the same young girl. He asked her: "Would you like to play in the bushes. I know what a peter is!". She agreed, so they went back to the clearing in the bushes. Little Johnny unziped his pants and wipped it out. And he said "Now, This is a peter, and if it was an inch shorter it would be a PERFECT peter!!!".

Mom and Dad were watching their little boy Johnny say his good night prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, Doggie, and phooey on the cat." The next day they got up and went down to the kitchen and found the cat dead on the kitchen floor. That night, they again listened to Johnny, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and phooey on the doggie." The next day they got up, went down to the kitchen, and found the dog dead. That night, intently listening in on Johnny's bedtime prayers they heard, "God bless Mommy, and phooey on Daddy." Well you can imagine the horror. Daddy tossed and turned all night, alternating between thinking it's just a coincidence and worrying himself sleepless. Well, morning came and Daddy, feeling somewhat better, went down to the kitchen to fix some breakfast. Realizing he needed some milk, he opened the back door to the morning's milk delivery, whereupon he found the milkman dead on the back porch.

Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality.

His dad sez, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom sez, "Well, yes, I suppose I would."

His dad then sez, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does this too, and Sis sez, "Yes, I suppose I would."

Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad sez, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

Johnnie's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnnie would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before. She chose the word "fascinate". Knowing that Johnnie could not possible mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnnie said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."

After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnnie's turn again. This time the word was "urinate". The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnnie. Johnnie said, " You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My momma had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

The teacher asks the children in her class how they think people go to heaven.

Little Johnny puts his hand up but the teacher ignores him, instead she asks Jane, Jane says well miss , I think that your soul is collected by an angel and it takes you both up to heaven.

Little Johnny shouts out Me Miss , Me Miss but again the teacher ignores him, instead she asks Peter , well miss , I think that an elevator door opens and you climb in and go up to heaven.

Little Johnny is still shouting, and the teacher finally relinquishes ans says yes Johnny how do you think we go to heaven Johnny replies Feet First

The teacher says what do you mean, well last night I went into my Parents bedroom and my mother was laid on the bed with her legs in the air shouting "God I'm Coming"

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

Little Johnny is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

Little Johnny goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. "Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny.

You want some t-o-y-s, he says, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word toys. "No, I've got plenty of toys." Replies Johnny. "Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa. "No, I've got all the games I want." came Johnny's reply.

"Well Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you want?" asked Santa.

"I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter, "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and back yards they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch him were soon left far behind.

The next day, as they came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. again, after just a few minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot.

On the third day, Johnny and tommy agreed on a plan. They would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. I started to feel something getting awfully hard ..."

Jonnie comes home from school one day and his mother says "Hi jonnie, what did you lear in school today?"

jonnie: "I learned 2 new words but don't know what they mean"
mom: "OK, tell me what they are and I'll see if I can help"
jonnie: "Well, the first word was 'pussy'"
mom: "hmmm. well jonnie, you know our kitty cat?"
jonnie: "yea"
mom: "well that's a pussy"
jonnie: "oh, I see"
mom: "what was the second word?"
jonnie "the second word was 'bitch'"
the mother thinks for a while and says to jonnie "that's not important, now you run outside and play"

a few hours later the father pulls in the drive and sees jonnie playing. He asks, "hi jonnie, what did you do in school today?"

jonnie : "I learned 2 new words but I'm not sure what they mean"
dad: "tell me what they are and I'll tell you what they mean"
jonnie "the first word is 'pussy'
dad: "well jonnie, have you ever seen your mom come out of the shower?"
jonnie "yea"
dad "did you notice the patch of hair between her legs?"
jonnie "yea"
dad "well if you were to draw a circle around that patch of hair, that would be the pussy. everything inside the circle is the pussy"

jonnie "oh, I see"
dad: "what was the second word?"
jonnie "bitch"
dad "well remember the circle? everything outside the circle is the bitch!"

As class began the 2nd grade teacher announced to the children that they would start the day with a science experiment. She would go around the class and place something in each students mouth to demonstrate their sense of taste and, with eyes closed, if they could guess what it was, they would receive an A for their science grade that day.

She went up to little Susie and said "close your eyes and taste this". Placing a jellybean in the little girls mouth, she asked, "now what is it Susie"? "Oh teacher, that's a jellybean" she replied. The teacher said "very good Susie, you get an A".

She then went to little Joey and said "close your eyes Joey and taste this". She placed a pinch of sugar in the childs mouth and asked if he could tell what it was. "Teacher", he replied, "that tastes like sugar". "Very good", said the teacher, "you get an A".

Next, she went to little Mary and asked her to close her eyes. She placed a piece of alka seltzer on her tongue and asked if she could identify it. Mary tasted it for a minute, rolling it around in her mouth, and said "I'm sorry teacher, I don't know what this is". The teacher said "try real hard, think about it". Mary tasted it for another minute and said "I just don't know". The teacher said "Mary do you want a clue"? Mary said "oh yes teacher, please". So the teacher said "Mary, when your father goes out drinking with all of his friends and he comes home real late at night, and he's drunk and not feeling to good, what's the first thing your mother gives him"?

Little Johnny yells out from the back of the room "spit it out Mary, it's a piece of ass"!

At school, the teacher was telling the class about the moral of stories. She tells everyone to go home and find a story that has a moral to it.

Next day, in class, the teacher asks Suzi about her story. Suzi says:

"My uncle who's a chicken farmer was collecting eggs in a basket so that he could sell them at the market. He collected all his eggs, all 120 of them and was walking back to the house but he fell over and all the eggs came out and were broken."

The teacher askes:

"What was the moral of that story Suzi?"

Suzi replies:

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

The teacher turns to Patsy and asks her to tell her story, and Patsy says:

"My uncle who's a chicken farmer was having a look at all the eggs that the chickens laid, and was counting the number of baby chicks that would hatch from the eggs. A big storm came and knocked over the coop, and all the eggs were broken."

The teacher asks:

"What was the moral of that story Patsy?"

Patsy answers:

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

The teacher turns to Little Johnny and asks him to tell his story, and Little Johnny says:

"My Uncle Ted who was a soldier in Vietnam was captured by the enemy. One morning he decided to escape and he took an enemy airplane and decided to fly back to a safe place with it. Anyway, he was flying the plane, and the enemy shot the plane, and it was coming down. Uncle Ted decided to search the plane to see what he could find. He found a machine gun, a bayonette and two cans of beer wrapped in a parachute. Uncle Ted grabbed everything, and strapped the parachute to his back. As he jumped out the plane, he drank the two cans of beer, and when he landed on the ground, a hundred enemy soldiers were waiting for him. He killed the first 80 with his machine gun before it ran out of bullets. He killed the next 15 with the bayonette before it broke, and he killed the last five with his bare hands."

The teacher looked at him and asked him what the moral of the story was, to which Little Johnny replied:

"Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's pissed."

Little Johnny was twelve years old. Like other boys his age, he was curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. "

"I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick--a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

"When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

"Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats, having nine lives or something.

"This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a thirty-five-minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet