This is an extract from the play Conception Pregnancy and Birth

It has already been produced and broadcast as a radio play.

The first theatrical production is tentatively set for Autumn 2007




Sophie is trying to convince her husband Bert that they should have a baby....


SOPHIE
What are you so afraid of?

BERT
You know...

SOPHIE
I don't know, I really don't. Tell me.

BERT
You do know. Deep down you do. You know that our life will be over when we have a baby.

SOPHIE
What?

BERT
I don't mean 'over' over - it's an expression - but everything will change. We won't ever go out, we won't sleep, we'll be vomited on, there'll be a stack of orange plastic nappy-sacks with little knotted handles piled up at the back door so that we'll need to shovel them out of the way just to get to the yard...

SOPHIE
No...

BERT
... we'll stink of Sudocreme and Liga and... and... cradlecap.

SOPHIE
Cradlecap? Is that the case against - 'we'll stink of cradlecap?'

BERT
You can laugh all you like but you know it's true. I'm not sure I can handle it.

SOPHIE
It's normal, every man goes through it, fear of fatherhood.

BERT
It's not fear of fatherhood. I really fancy being a Dad - going to see Spiderman and playing rugby with little, um, Annabelle.

SOPHIE
Well then, we will handle the cradlecap.

BERT
No.

SOPHIE
What?

BERT
Here's an idea, right? You'll handle the cradlecap. I'll go along with having a baby now if...

SOPHIE
I don't want to negotiate with you...

BERT
No listen, it's just like poking the fire.

SOPHIE
You're starting to piss me off now.

BERT
The fire, the fire...

SOPHIE
What the hell are you prattling on about?

BERT
Listen, move over, it's bloody freezing out here. We had a perfectly good gas fire in the living room, remember? And you wanted a real coal one and I didn't and I said... what did I say?

SOPHIE
You said that we could have it provided that I cleaned it and tended it and raked it and lit it.

BERT
Exactly. And that's what we did.

SOPHIE
And the point is?

BERT
We do the same with 'Annabelle'. You stoke her, you clean her, you rake her and I'll go along with it.

SOPHIE
That is just so cold and heartless.

BERT
No it's not, that's the beauty of it. Look at me and the fire. I don't have to stoke it or clean it like it but I do, regularly, because I love that damn fire. I've grown to love it.

SOPHIE
That's true.

BERT
So, let's have a baby. I don't have to give up racquetball or pints with the lads on Thursdays, I don't have to get up nights and I don't have to change any of the nappies that really need changing. What do you say?

SOPHIE
I was hoping you'd be involved in a somewhat larger way.

BERT
I will be. Just like I am with the bloody fire.

SOPHIE
So on these terms, you agree to impregnate me.

BERT
I'll give it a go.

SOPHIE
Oohhhhh... this is my body clock messing with my decision-making processes... all right then.

BERT
Great. Settled?

SOPHIE
Settled, I suppose.

BERT
I'll draw up a document tomorrow for you to sign.

SOPHIE
You'll do what?

BERT
Good night darling.


(c) ken armstrong  2004


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