streetwise

JOE: Why don't you go somewhere else?

FRED: I don't feel like it. I've got as much of a right to be here as you and
I'm not going anywhere. You go.

JOE: I'm staying here.

FRED: Well, so am I.

JOE: Right then.

FRED: Fair enough. (Long pause)

JOE: Hip hip fucking hooray.

FRED: Don't flatter yourself. I could say that this is Hell as well. You're just
about the most boring, miserable, self-absorbed cunt I've ever known.
(Fred starts imitating Joe) I'm dead, I'm dead, ooh, someone's going to
take my beautiful, perfect-breasted and fantastically proportioned arsed
girlfriend and everyone's going to get on with their lives like poor me
never existed. (Pause. Fred gets annoyed with Joe) Get over it. Go and
scare someone or something and stop making the two of us so miserable.
You're the one who's making it Hell.

JOE: Just shut up okay? (Pause) It's pointless. I don't want to be part of this
stupid argument anymore. (Long pause)

FRED: So you're just going to sit there and say nothing. (Pause) Just sit there
and say nothing? (Pause) Joe. Hey (Pause) Fair enough, that's fair enough.
Two can play at that game, you fuckin' baba.

(Fred and Joe sit on either side side of the stage - facing away from each
other. There is total silence as both of them sit motionless. A man
dressed all in black walks onstage. He is holding a folder under one arm.
He walksover to the coffin and looks in. Then he walks over to joe and
looks at his face as if trying to recognise him. After a brief inspection
he looks over at Fred. He opens his folder and checks it contents. He
looks over at Fred again and walks over to him. He inspects Fred and nods
his head. The Man in Black stands behind Fred and opens his folder. He
reads.)

MAN IN BLACK: Frederick Jay Millan. Age twenty-four. Activities of last day.
Falls out of bed at noon, stumbles to the bathroom, contemplates
Shaving, utters an obscenity and throws away the razor. Walks back
from the bathroom, shivering, returns to his bedroom, gets dressed
and goes down stairs. Utters obscenities at the television and
puts his boot through it. At 1 PM walks to the nearest pub, orders
neat and sits on the same barstool until 3:35 PM when he leaves to
go to the bathroom. There, he releases almost three pints of
urine. On the way back he goes to the phone and contemplates
ringing his ex-girlfriend, he hesitates and hangs up, begins to
weep, staggers out of the pub. Arrives at off-license at 4 PM and
purchases a bottle of vodka. Returns home at 4:13 PM, puts on
stereo and listens to some albums. At 6:45 PM he begins dancing
unsteadily and in a violent manner, throws empty bottle at the
stereo and stops dancing. He makes his way to the kitchen.
In the kitchen he takes off his belt and makes two attempts at
climbing up on the sink but falls on his back. He makes it on his
third attempt. He stands in the wash hand basin, puts belt around
neck and ties the remaining length onto the cabinet door. He looks
around the kitchen, utters a terrible cliché and steps off the
sink. At 6:58 PM Frederick Jay Millan is dead. Suicide. (He closes
the folder. Shaking his head) Dear oh dear oh dear. (He puts his
hand on Fred's right shoulder) Fred Millan (Fred stands up. He has
no emotion on his face. The Man in Black walks offstage - Fred
follows him in a zombie like manner. Joe is oblivious to what's
going on. The light begins to fade. The stage is almost in
darkness for a few moments. There are sounds like a bolted door
being unlocked and there are voices in the background. Slowly the
lights begin to come back up. Undertaker One and Undertaker Two
walk onstage. Joe notices them and stays behind them the whole
time)

UNDERTAKER TWO: Where is it supposed to be?

UNDERTAKER ONE(pointing left): Over there, I think.

(They walk over to the left of the stage. They stand silent for
a while, both of them are standing sideways and looking intensely
to the left)

UNDERTAKER TWO: I can't see a thing.

UNDERTAKER ONE: No, nor can I.

UNDERTAKER TWO: Are you sure it was here she saw it?

UNDERTAKER ONE: Yes, she definitely said it was this wall. Definitely. She said
she was standing over there by the coffin, polishing and she
noticed it. It was definitely this wall.

(Undertaker Two walks over to the coffin and looks from there)

UNDERTAKER TWO: Ah, yes, yes, I can see it now. It must be the lighting. Come
over here and have a gawk. (Undertaker One joins him)

UNDERTAKER ONE: That's it? For fuck sake. She went nuts over that? It's tiny. Do
you know she was absolutely hysterical over that? You'd swear
she saw a ghost or something. The silly bat. I thought it was
the way the pipe totally burst open and flooded the place.

UNDERTAKER TWO: Poor dear.

UNDERTAKER ONE: Poor dear me hole. She's a head case that one. She's sat outside
There in the lobby drinking brandy. I've a mind to go over and
Piss up against it.

UNDERTAKER TWO: She's just very keen about her work. She's kept this place
spotless for years. (Pause) I suppose it's a big thing for her.

(Joe starts laughing. He starts walking around looking for Fred)

JOE: Fred, Fred d'ya hear that? She never saw me at all. She went mad over a
little damp patch on the wall there. (Pause. Still laughing) Fred, where
are you? This is gas. (Pause. Joe stops laughing) Can you beat that - he's
going on and on at me about being miserable the whole time and the first
time I've a bit of fun he's gone and shagged off.

UNDERTAKER ONE: I don't know what she thinks we can do about it. (Pause. The
Cleaning Lady walks onstage. Slowly, unsteadily)

CLEANING LADY: Well, did ye see it?

UNDERTAKER TWO: We did, missus.

UNDERTAKER ONE: Sure that's not bad at all, you wouldn't notice it unless you
were really looking for it. We were standing over there at the
wall for ages and we didn't see a thing. (To Undertaker Two)
Tell her. We couldn't see a thing at all, sure we couldn't?

UNDERTAKER TWO: Well, no. No, not from over there anyway.

CLEANING LADY: Oh, you'd see it alright. It's horrific and it makes the place
look dreary.

UNDERTAKER ONE: Yes. I see what you mean. Dreary, yes. We usually have such a
fun and chirpy atmosphere in here, don't we? (Undertaker Two is
embarrassed by his partner's sarcasm)

UNDERTAKER TWO: We'll call someone in to have a gawk at it, missus. Don't worry.

(Cleaning Lady walks offstage)

JOE: Fred, where the blazes are you? This is hilarious.

UNDERTAKER ONE: She's barmy. Did you hear what she said there? It makes the
place look dreary. Nuts she is. Nuts.

UNDERTAKER TWO: There was no need to be so rude to her. She's an old woman. The
up-keep of this place is her life, Bob. (Pause. Undertaker One
snaps at Undertaker Two)

UNDERTAKER ONE: Hey, cunthooks, don't ever call me Bob.

UNDERTAKER TWO (Backs down): Look, it's not going to hurt to call in someone
about it.

UNDERTAKER ONE: Well, since you're such friends with the twit, you can call in
Someone.

(Joe starts to walk off and on and around the stage. He is
looking for Fred)

UNDERTAER TWO: I'll see to it.

UNDERTAKER ONE: You're a gas one, you are. I can't figure you out at all. I bet
you were one of those kids that gave their Birthday presents to
little knackers.

UNDERTAKER ONE: I believe in treating people with respect whether they be young,
old, rich, poor, dead or alive.

UNDERTAKER TWO: Weirdo.

(Joe gives up again. He sits at the corner of the stage)

JOE: Where the Hell are you, Fred?

UNDERTAKER ONE: come on. We'll have a quick cuppa and then we'll bring this
fella home. (Joe stands up suddenly - nervously)

JOE: Oh, sweet Christ. It can't be morning already.

(The Undertakers leave. Fred appears at the corner of the stage)

FRED: Almost time, Joe? (Joe goes over to him)

JOE: Fred, there you are. Where'd you go?

FRED: I can't say.

JOE: They're going to bring me home now.

FRED: You gonna go?

JOE: Yeah, I suppose so.

FRED: Yeah, you should go to your funeral.

JOE: I'm all worked up now again.

FRED: You'll be fine.

JOE: I was looking for you a while ago, I'd a right laugh. It turns out that the
old woman didn't see me at all, she was freaking out over that damp patch
behind you. (Fred turns to look)

FRED: I can't see anything.

JOE: It's a small one. (Fred looks again)

FRED: Nope. Still can't see it.

JOE: Did you really enjoy your funeral, Fred?

FRED: In a way.

JOE: I thought you said it was brilliant.

FRED: Yeah, I know I did but I'll be honest - there was a point where I ...I was
actually crying to come back. (Pause) When I saw my family fall to pieces.

JOE: But I thought you said-

FRED: Don't mind what I said. (Long pause)

JOE: I don't think I want to see it now.

FRED: You should go; funerals are not just about the living saying goodbye to
the dead, they're just as much about the dead saying goodbye to the
living.

JOE: Listen, Fred, I want to say I'm sorry about the things I said to you. I
really don't mind your company.

FRED: That's okay.

JOE: Are you okay? You seem sort of different.

FRED: I can't stay.

JOE: Why, where are you going?

FRED: I can't say. (Pause) Joe, you should prepare yourself.

JOE: How?

FRED: Think of the best thing about your last day. The one thing you will keep
with you for all eternity. One beautiful memory.

JOE: Is that what you're supposed to do?

FRED: No, I just think you should do it.

JOE: Why?

FRED: Because I couldn't think of one thing. I'd nothing beautiful to take
with me and now I wish I had. (Pause) Everyone should have one final
beautiful moment.

JOE: You'll be here when I get back, won't you?

FRED: No.

JOE: But where-

FRED: Joe, just do what I ask, please.

(Joe hesitates for a moment then he faces the audience)

JOE: What sticks out in my memory the most is that last morning. In the
mornings I'd always wake before Marie and I'd just look at her lying there.
I'd kiss her gently and stroke her hair and, even though she couldn't
hear me, I'd tell her I loved her and I got a shiver up my spine. (Fred
turns and quietly leaves) It always amazed me how she turned me on, how
sexy she was - is - and yet I found her so adorable and childlike in the
morning. She has the most angelic face. I'd put my arm around her and kiss
her and feel like crying, she was too beautiful for me. (Pause) Then she'd
wake up and look at me with those vulnerable, sparkling eyes and she'd say
what's wrong? and there I'd be, close to tears with joy, and I'd say
nothing. At least I know I didn't lose her, I never let her go. I was just
taken away from her. I loved her more than the world. Less than she
deserved. (Pause) Why did it have to happen, Fred? (Joe turns to see that
Fred is gone) Fred? (Pause) Goodbye, Fred.

(Undertakers One & Two walk onstage. They take hold of either side of the
coffin and begin to slowly roll it offstage. Joe looks after them, he is
nervous and jumpy. He hesitates for a moment and he sits down at the edge
of the stage. He sits uneasily for a while then he stands up and walks, at
first, very slowly across the stage. He stops again and then he runs off
the stage)

Curtain