Currently a personal perception edited and compiled by Elizabeth Cleary, 8 Seskin View Ave. Tallaght, Dublin 24 Ireland
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Contents:
November Report
EDITORIAL:
HAPPY CHRISTMAS
You will be receiving this quite early in the season so maybe we would all benefit it I wrote a few lines about dealing with the negative side of the 'season to be jolly'
Eric Berne used the phrase 'waiting for Santa Clause' to highlight a type of 'Until' Script in which a person refuses to get on with their life until a certain thing happens.
Perhaps some of us do this with regards to Christmas - perhaps we sit around waiting fro Santa or his Elves to wave a magic wand to make things all glitter and sparkle, instead of putting our own effort into 'making magic'
A person could have a variety of Christmas problems - for one it could be memories, both pleasant or unpleasant; for another it could be finance, for some it centres around alcohol, for others it may be decision-making. My own difficulty has to do with unrealistic expectations.
One TA idea that might help is the Drama Triangle. (see PerDev Column overleaf) I could decide to stop acting Victim to my own or other people's Persecutor.
I could decide to Care for people instead of Rescuing them. The BIG QUESTION is - Will I? (Will let you know next month how I get on)
NOVEMBER REPORT
The November meeting took place in Carmichael House as usual. There was a small group, but plenty of lively discussion on the topic of Emotional Literacy - Elizabeth gave some 'GEMS FROM CLAUDE STEINER' - snippets of what she had learned on her week-end in Crowborough
Other topics discussed were the Christmas Party and who might be going. TICKETS ARE £21. However bear in mind that this event is a fund-raiser for Carmichael House, the Centre for Voluntary groups, who have a big restoration project in hand which when finished in 1988 will have yet more space for groups.
More Travels of a Trainee
Where is CROWBOROUGH? Many people asked me this when I was telling them about the great Course I attended there Nov. 9/12. It was given by Claude Steiner who is a former student and colleague of Eric Berne. The topic of the two workshops was EMOTIONAL LITERACY - an idea that just as we need to be literate about various aspects of our lives in order to communicate, we also need to learn in a similar way to be 'literate' about our feelings.
Claude said there were stages of emotional literacy which vary from person to person, and also sometimes from situation to situation. Just as a normally coherent person may find themselves speechless at some event, so too a person who is normally emotionally literate may find themselves either numb or chaotic if they have been traumatised, (for example at the moment of hearing what seems like very bad news.)
At the other end of the scale of Emotional Literacy there is empathy and interactivity, with people taking their own and others' feelings into account. There were also skills available for the learning - how to make co-operative contracts with people so that all kind of POWER-PLAYS are avoided And we looked at making straight transactions - asking honestly for what we want, and refusing to take on more than my share of what needs to be done. Most of Claude's theory is based on a concept of mutual respect - he sees asking permission before off-loading our feeling as paramount, and says we need to apologise to a person if we Rescue them by doing what we don't want to do, or by taking on more than our share. All in all it was a great course - I really enjoyed meeting up with some of the people had met at the Conference in April.
PS: Incidentally, Crowborough is in East Sussex, north of Brighton and south of London.
ERIC BERNE QUOTE of the Month:
The therapist does not cure anyone, he only treats him to the best of his ability, being careful not to injure and waiting for nature to take its healing course.
(Principles of Group Treatment, P63)
Personal Development Corner:
Using TA in your everyday life Further topics/suggestions welcome - email Elizabeth Cleary
DRAMA TRIANGLE
- how to get off the band-wagon and get on with the SHOW.
Think of any unsatisfactory situation in your life. Look at the characters involved. Are any of them playing the following parts to each other: PERSECUTOR, VICTIM, RESCUER? If so, you are on the DRAMA TRIANGLE. TA theory suggests that our lives are like a play or a film - that there is a Script we have written, with characters we select, and a main part for ourselves.
Like any good film, there has to be a bit of excitement, and it is our antics around the DRAMA TRIANGLE that provide this. If we have a strong sense of humour, we may make it a comedy, by laughing at ourselves. However, in many cases it is the other people who have the laugh at our deadly serious faces.
And in a few cases, no one is laughing as we organise a TRAGEDY for ourselves or others.
Once on the DRAMA TRIANGLE, playing one of the parts, if we watch, we will notice that sometimes we SWITCH ROLES - I may start out RESCUING you (from a misguided viewpoint that you are helpless and can't help yourself). But soon, I may fall VICTIM to your helplessness, and change to PERSECUTING you instead - Meantime you have switched from POOR VICTIM that needed to be RESCUED, to PERSECUTING torment, dragging out of me like the Old Man of the Sea in the Sinbad story.
Getting off the Drama Triangle:
The first thing to do is to change my attitude . I need to make it clear to myself that:
1. This person is OK - they have strengths I do not know about. They may need a helping hand, but they do not need to be carried on my back. 2. I am OK - no matter what this person says or thinks about me, I am a human being, and that means I AM OK - maybe some of my behaviour is not so OK, but I can change that.
I can shift from being Persecutor to being ASSERTIVE - I can have my ideas and you can have yours, and we do not have to be identical - in fact we can be enriched by our differences.
I can shift from being Rescuer to being CARING - I can consult you about the help you would appreciate, without letting you be dependent on me. And I can move from being Victim without lashing out at anyone - I can admit my Vulnerability, my PAIN, and admit that I can be an OK human and be in pain at the same time.
My perception of all this is that each stage involves a large measure of PARADOX - a learning to hold opposites at the same time - for me it is learning to say 'this thing I like is true, at the same time as this thing I do not like is also true, and THAT'S OK. Maybe that is what being a mature grown-up is all about - learning to be secure even when I cannot always get my own way. How come it took 60 years to learn!
DECEMBER MEETING
(CHRISTMAS PARTY)
FRIDAY, December 6 1996
at Hollybrook Hotel, Clontarf.
Tickets £21
Bus from Carmichael House £3 - 7:30 p.m. Return for NIGHT-BUSES 2 a.m.
NEXT Meetings -
January 11 1997 (2nd Sat.): What happens in Groups. February 8 1997 (2nd Sat.): Self-Reparenting a la Muriel James March 1997: Breaking the Stroke Economy Rules at 7 p.m. CARMICHAEL HOUSE, Nth Brunswick St. (off Church St.) Dublin 7
TA-based Courses
Larne after Christmas - SELF-ESTEEM: A FAMILY AFFAIR. Anyone from Dublin willing to share a car? 8 Saturdays - afternoon classes - Leave Dublin approx. 9 am, Return about 8 p.m.
CRUMLIN AREA - (venue not arranged):
Help for Kids and Parents about Drugs Details Phone 4511125
JOINING TAI - or RE-NEWING MEMBERSHIP?
It's that time of year again when we keep watching the TAI mailbox in Carmichael House to see will we get many new members this year. Our Constitution says that as long as we have three members, TAI can still exist. But naturally, we want many more than that. One reason we would like more members is so that we could join EATA - the European TA Association - and we need 25 members to do this. Even if we were able to join EATA, we might not always be able to send a representative to their meetings.
But in 1997, their meeting will be in Keele in the UK and I think it would be great to see Ireland take its place there, of its own right, instead of being just mentioned in passing.
So why join?
To support TA ideas; Get NewsNotes monthly; learn TA, and know what is happening.
Why not? You decide what you pay so money is no excuse. Fill in form and post it SOON - Go on - make my day, TODAY.
Write to Elizabeth Cleary
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