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JBR (Joanna Beazley Richards) was great. We had two sessions with her - and in each case she pitched it just about right - pieces of theory with chances to ask questions, then exercises done partly on our own, and partly with each other.Contents:
December ReportPersonal Development Corner - GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
EDITORIAL:
INTO YEAR THREE OF TAIIt would be interesting to do a little study of our TAI organisation, using the SDOG model developed by Eric Berne in his book Structure and Dynamics of Organisations and Groups, written about 1963.
Even though in writing the Constitution, I tried to develop a truely democratic model, with responsibility fully shared among all members, it hasn't worked out like I envisaged.
Whether I like it or not, there are LEADERS and MEMBERS - which is Berne's definition of an organisation. What we have insured is that the boundaries are permeable so that there are no obstacles in the path of someone who would like to take on responsibility. As regards the POWER of the leaders, this tends to be the power of persuasion, rather than of authority.
One of the topics discussed at the recent LARNE REVIEW DAY on November 30, was how the two regional groups relate to each other, and how both relate to the whole (national) group.
This is something to be thinking about over the next few months, and we would appreciate if anyone has suggestions for how the Constitution should be amended to take account of this expansion, and also any further expansion in the event of other regional groups setting up, say in the west and in the south.
Again, we remind you that it is DECISION TIME, for you the individual, regarding Membership. We need your support and your input, and we hope that each of you will decide to spend the few minutes and the few shillings that it takes to do the needful. If you have mislaid your membership form, just drop us a SAE and we will send you one.(We hope to have one ready for downloading by next month. Meantime see our ideas about Membership in the Constitution
Finally, the BIG CHRISTMAS QUESTION - did I or did I not practice what I preached in my last editorial?
Well I am glad to be able to report that dues to some serious work on those 'unrealistic expectations' and by setting 'extra-low targets', I managed to have myself a very merry Christmas time, and I hope that you did the same. May you all have a SPLENDID YEAR in 1997.
DECEMBER REPORT
Were you all thinking of us on the evening of December 6, and imagining us in the luxury of the Hollybrook Hotel, and wishing you were there?Well, as it happens, your imaginings were off the mark. And they weren't the only things that were off - the Party was off, cancelled a few days previously due to an impending bus-strike; and on the night itself, the bus-strike itself was off, so I'd say there were a fair few people who were browned-off as well.
We are not sure yet what alternative date, if any has been arranged, or what is to happen to those who bought tickets, but we will inform you as soon as we have news.
More Travels of a Trainee
TRANSACTIONS with JBR at LARNE : This is the first piece of Advanced TA Training I have been able to do in my own country, and I feel a bit chuffed about being involved in making this happen. However most of the credit must go to the Larne people who said yes to the opportunities offered them, and are now benefitting from their courage and sacrifice.It really does cost people to get TA training - not just the money - JBR is very decent about this: she charges reasonable fees and lets people pay by installments. Other costs are time, and travel, and effort. So I would like to stroke everyone who took part in the workshop and made it a special event for me personally.
And the content was very practical for each person - one question we had to tackle was to look at the transaction that we really hate having - the thing someone says or does to us that just drives us mad and leaves us stuck for something to do about it.
Then we had to formulate a BULLS-EYE transaction to initiate discussion with that person so that we could work out ways each of us could get our needs met.
(The BULLS-EYE transaction was a new one on me - it is where we think out in advance just what we are going to say so as to:
(a) Validate the Parent Ego-State of the other person; (by saying something like 'I know that you may BELIEVE ....')JBR assured us that, yes, this kind of phraseology feels a bit stilted when we first begin to use it. However, when we find how well it works, we will soon become more comfortable.(b) Re-assure their Child Ego-State; (by saying something like 'I know that you may be FEELING ....')
(c) Invite them into negotiation from their Adult Ego-State. (by saying something like ' I feel .... when you do or say this. Would you be willing to talk to me about how we might both get our NEEDS met?)
She also suggested that it might be a good idea to try out what we intend saying on someone neutral first, since we are not always aware of how, even using the formula, we could convey the wrong message.
I have to admit that I haven't yet used this gem of wisdom, but give me time - I'm a cautious learner.
ERIC BERNE QUOTE of the Month:
The therapist does not cure anyone, he only treats him to the best of his ability, being careful not to injure and waiting for nature to take its healing course.(Principles of Group Treatment, p.63)
Personal Development Corner:
Using TA in your everyday life. Further topics-suggestions welcome - email Elizabeth Cleary GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
- Some UN-FUNNY tricks people play on each otherBack in 1964, when Eric Berne wrote his book GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, he wanted to explain to his fellow-psychiatrists some of the wiles people use to prevent themselves from becoming whole human-beings. He almost certainly never envisaged that this little book would become a world best seller, and that it would still be on the world-wide market over thirty years later.
In this book, Berne described a number of Games in detail, and divided them into categories according to where they were played and with whom.
He mentioned Marital Games, and Alcoholic Games; Workplace Games, and Consulting-room Games. He showed that in fact, virtually everyone plays these Games at some time.
The reasons we play Games are on the one hand to avoid INTIMACY; and on the other hand to prove to ourselves that we were right about some people (ourselves, others, or both) being NOT-OK. We also play Games to get crooked STROKES
The first thing to know about the Games People Play is that they are neither fun, nor funny, though there may occasionally be a wry sort of humour afterwards, when we realise what we have been doing to ourselves and others without being aware of it.
That is the second thing we need to know - these Games are played outside awareness - that is the person playing the Game won't have a clue about the way they are setting themselves and others up, though other people on the side-lines, may see clearly where this Game-behaviour is going to lead to.
And that is the third thing - Games lead to what is called a PAY-OFF, that is a predictable conclusion which is negative for all players. (Some Games have more than two players)
One of the signals that a Game has been in progress, is when a person says something like: How come this always happens to me? How come I always end up like this? Statements like these are potential gateways to awareness, and can be the first step towards getting out of this un-productive kind of behaviour.
For example, let us look at a very common Game 'WHY DON'T YOU...? YES, BUT...'. (Berne gave catchy names to the Games he observed, and then abbreviated them to their initial letters, so this one becomes WDYYB.)
INVITATION:
In this Game, which is usually played in groups, one person A presents a problem to which they are convinced there is no solution. But they present it in such a way as if they think 'there IS a solution, if only I could find it, and surely the group would be willing to help me search'.
ACCEPTANCE:
If some of the members of the group are willing to play (don't forget all this is happening 'out of awareness'), someone will start the Game rolling by saying 'WHY DON'T YOU ....TRY THIS SOLUTION?
GAME-PLAY:
A now responds saying something like: YES, that is a good idea, BUT it wouldn't work because ....'
Someone else in the group says 'Well then, WHY DON'T YOU .....'
Again A says: 'Well YES, that is a good idea too, BUT that wouldn't work because ...'
This can go on and on for ages, different people saying 'WHY DON'T YOU ...', and A giving a 'YES,BUT ...' reply to each of them. The more A YES BUTs, the harder the members of the group try to find a solution.
SWITCH:
Suddenly, without warning, there is silence - either the group members stops asking, or A stops responding.
CROSS-UP
Everyone feels momentarily confused.
PAY-OFF:
Each of them say to themselves: - 'I always knew it - someone around here is notOK:
Either, I am notOK because I couldn't find a solution to the problem;
Or we are all notOK and life is rotten.
Or A is notOK for asking an impossible question, or for not accepting our perfectly good suggestions;
A may say something like: I am notOK because I have an unsolveable problem;
or they are notOK because they were too stupid or didn't want to help me
How could they have avoided getting to this point?
At the start, A could have stated in advance what solutions had already been tried. A could also have been less adamant about the solveability of the problem - maybe it could be solved, on the other hand maybe it could not.
B (in this case the group) always has the option NOT TO PLAY - not to respond to the INVITATION. Instead of saying 'Why Don't You ...', group-members could have indicated to A that they felt sure a solution of some kind would eventually be found. And then have changed the subject.
AWARENESS of what is going on is therefore the first step to getting out of a Game.
And one of the first steps of awareness is the conviction that Everyone is OK - even if not all that they do is OK. When we have convinced ourselves that we are all OK, loveable and capable people, we will be well on the journey towards giving up our Games.
NEXT Meetings - JANUARY MEETING
TOPIC: Groups - how they work (and how they don't work)
SATURDAY, January 11 1997 7 p.m. to 9 p..m. - includes cuppa.
Carmichael House, Brunswick St. (off Church St.) Dublin 7
ADMISSION FREE - but DONATIONS towards costs appreciated
February 8 1997 (2nd Sat.): Self-Reparenting a la Muriel JamesMarch 8 1997:(2nd Sat.) Breaking the Stroke Economy Rules.
All at 7 p.m. CARMICHAEL HOUSE, Nth Brunswick St. (off Church St.) Dublin 7
TA-based Courses LARNE East Antrim Institute of Higher Education, Pound Street, Larne BT40 1QT
SELF-ESTEEM: A FAMILY AFFAIR.
This is a course for anyone who has been a child themselves, or who now has children in their lives.
A Certificate of Attendance will be given to each participant, stating the number of hours attended.
Eight sessions 2 p.m. to 4:30 p.m.on the following SATURDAY AFTERNOONS:January 18, February xxx; March xxx, April xxx; May xxx
Cost: £35 (Unemployed or Unwaged £6)
Registration:
WRITE TO: East Antrim Institute of Higher and Further Education, Pound Street, Larne BT40 1QT, N. Ireland
TELEPHONE:
FAX:
Anyone from Dublin want a lift or willing to share a car? - Leave Dublin approx.9 am, Return about 8 p.m. Phone 01-4511125
CRUMLIN AREA (Dublin) - (venue still not arranged):
Help for Kids and Parents about Drugs Details Phone 4511125
JOINING TAI - or RENEWING MEMBERSHIP?
Our Constitution says that as long as we have three members, TAI can still exist. But naturally, we want many more than that.One reason we would like more members is so that we could join EATA - the European TA Association - and we need 25 members to do this.
Even if we were able to join EATA, we might not always be able to send a representative to their meetings.
But in 1997, EATA will meet in Keele in the UK and I think it would be great to see Ireland take its place there, of its own right, instead of being just mentioned in passing.
So why join TAI?
To support TA ideas;Get NewsNotes monthly;
learn TA,
and know what is happening.
You CAN afford it - YOU decide what you pay so money is no excuse.
- It only takes a few minutes
- Fill in form and post it SOON
Go on - make this a special day, TODAY.
Write to Elizabeth Cleary
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