"Jokes-r-us"
"Jokes-r-us"
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."
Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue."
"That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."
Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."
Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building. His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." He looked it over and decided to do it. He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot.
A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the same spot, behind the building. "His new wife says, look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."
The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogie."
Grandpa and Mom were watching television, when the three year-old son came running through the room, spilling juice on the carpet. Mom scolded him until he cried.
When she went off to find a sponge and some detergent, Grandpa came up to the crying child and whispered, "That's not so bad; you should see how mad she gets when I have an accident."
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotton
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"