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“Oh, if you knew the conflicts
that I encountered before embracing this life of mine! There was the
great fear aroused for me by the devil, compassion for my parents, whom
I was leaving in great need, as their only worldly hopes were entirely
dependent on me, interior desolation, depression, and fears. I was
afraid I would not persevere. The devil made me think I was deceived in
thinking I could serve God in this way, that this was not the life for
me, and so
on. There was much else that I
do not mention. But the worst was that all devotion had ceased, and I
found myself dry, tempted on every side. I had great dread even to hear
church bells. Everyone else seemed to be happyt except me. I could never
finish laying out the heavy battles which assaulted me to the utmost
when I was about to be vested and leave my poor home.
(St. Paul of the Cross letter 140) |
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