WORLD'S FUNNIEST MASS SUICIDES      [back to grid]

When Y2K literally burst onto our calendars sometime last year, a lot of people were disappointed at the lack of Rapture, Horsemen of the Apocalypse or Sally Jessy Raphael ascending into heaven. However, some folk weren't taking any chances. So they formed cults, and committed suicide as soon as they possibly could.

From the wacky child-beating gun-toters of the Branch Davidian sect to the ker-azy web developers of Heaven's Gate, they're all here, caught on police cameras for your viewing joy. Watch a man castrate himself and then drink a gallon of poisoned grapefruit juice. Watch a woman devour her own head. Watch a couple cavort naked in a pool of sharks. Watch Pauly Shore get beaten senseless by his parents.

WORLD'S FUNNIEST MASS SUICIDES. Only on MHTV1. In Stereo, where available.

FOSSILTASTIC!      [back to grid]

MHTV1 goes all prehistoric for 30 minutes (not including several commercial breaks), and we don't mean that we're showing repeats of THE GOLDEN GIRLS (ha ha ha ha ahh). Since the dawn of time, creatures have been dying, and then getting covered in mud and stuff. Eventually, they become fossils. There may be some other processes involved.

DOCTOR SCHWEMI GARFIELD of the Boston Institute leads you through the exciting world of fossils, by showing you some rocks that may have once been insects. Christ knows, to be honest. We're cancelling this series next week.

WHO'S THE UGLIEST?      [back to grid]

A panel of guests discuss who is the ugliest.

THIS WEEK: Steve Tyler from AEROSMITH or Gunther from TV's FRIENDS.

PANEL INCLUDES: Bill Pullman, actor. Hugh Grant, actor and prostitute buyer. Regis Philbin, person. Cliff Richard, singer. Doctor Dre, rapper.
PRESENTED BY: Judge Judy & Pikachu from POKEMON.

MUSIC ON MHTV
Will Smith Sings Spice Girls      [back to grid]

The Spice Girls achieved world fame during their all-too-brief time in the limelight. Now a bunch of haggard old dogs with babies, ex-husbands and flabby forearms, this may be their last ever chance to make some more money. Unless next year's expected 90's revival decides to play it ironically.

Will Smith, playboy, actor, singer, rapper, and all round pain in the proverbial arse, sings some of their greatest hits. He may even bring Jazzy Jeff, who has to be the talented one of that combo.

LIVE from Smith's living room. Support act could be Mariah Carey, but don't bet on it. It'll probably be Dexy's Midnight Runners.

OOPS, HERE'S MY WIFE      [back to grid]

MHTV1's hilarious 50's comedy festival continues this week with the first showing on network TV of OOPS, HERE'S MY WIFE. Starring LUCILLE BALL (before she became famous) and the guy who was MR ED's voice for a short period, OOPS, HERE'S MY WIFE is a comic look at the life and love of 53-year-old Marvin Clumpett, a retired baseball referee, who unwisely starts an affair with his octogenarian housekeeper.

Clumpett, in typical 50's comedy stylee, finds his life becoming increasingly madcap and manic. Watch his efforts to get his end away with the wizened old maid, while making an anniversary dinner for his loving wife. Laugh at his antics involving a DIY hot tub, a length of copper tubing and 2 tickets to the Opera. Sneer knowingly when he mistakenly has sex with his neighbour's aunt and then has to jump out of a window with his trousers tied around his head for some reason.

OOPS, HERE'S MY WIFE -- 90's values, 50's hairdos.

This series spawned the highly successful UH-OH, HERE'S THE VICAR but we weren't able to afford that.

TRAPPED! LIVE FROM RUSSIA      [back to grid]

Country singer Shania Twain (with co-host, Glasnost the puppet) returns with more coverage of people trapped in a miriad of ways. Twain provides a comical rolling commentary over the footage, at times hilarious, at times harrowing.

Watch an avalanche flatten a village, killing 67. Hear the helpless pleas of a small boy trapped under a tree. Pray the wolves don't find him. Feel strangely superior when a plane hits a church, causing a cave in.

TRAPPED! Written by Ronan Keating.

MONEY FOR RATINGS      [back to grid]

Unlike other television networks, we GUARANTEE a prize fund of 20 million pounds every single day! We are literally throwing money at our audience. In fact, screw it, that's what we'll do. Come down to the MHTV studios, and we'll throw a million pounds at you. MONEY FOR RATINGS is sure to be a hit.

Presented by David Hasselhoff dressed as a bishop.

BEAT HER! BEAT HER! BEAT HER!      [back to grid]

Late night entertainment on MHTV1 comes in the form of the award-winning BEAT HER! BEAT HER! BEAT HER! Devised by Aaron Spelling and developed for television by Billy Crystal, BEAT HER! BEAT HER! BEAT HER! features 2 small children, a boy and a girl. The girl child is temporarily drugged and tied to a pit stake. The boy child is given rocks, whips and even metal bars in a bid to beat her unconscious before time expires. If he suceeds, he is given a picture of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez from rap band TLC.

During sweeps week, we'll be allowing the audience of BEAT HER! BEAT HER! BEAT HER! to get into the pit and cause actual bodily harm to the child themselves!

TWO OL' DRUNKS      [back to grid]

More 50's comedy for your enjoyment, as Kathleen Turner (then aged just 27) and Sting's dad play TWO OL' DRUNKS. Situated entirely on a park bench, and kind of like HANCOCK'S HALF HOUR, but not as good, TWO OL' DRUNKS features swearing, drinking, and falling over.

The script was written by Mel Brooks when he was in a coma.

CHiPS 2000
Season Premiere      [back to grid]

TOTALLY TRASH TUESDAY comes to a close this week with the Season Premiere of motorcyle-cop-based CHiPS 2000. Based in the year 2040, highway police biker Ponch 'Ponch' Poncherello is finally thawed from cryogenic stasis to be reunited with 137-year-old Jon, his partner who probably had a surname, but that's unimportant.

The highways of California have been taken over by a daring bike gang led by one-armed Helty Fifskin (played by Richard Dean Anderson). Nobody is allowed to drive on the roads after 7pm at night, and the police are powerless to stop it. Ponch and Jon go head to head against Fifskin each week in a series of increasingly unlikely scenarios involving nuclear war heads and falling bridges. Also, Ponch gets to have sex every single week. Jon doesn't.

CHiPS 2000 moves to its regular time of 8.30 next Wednesday, before being moved to Friday morning at 2am, and eventually just disappearing off the schedule altogether sometime next month. Nobody will miss it.

MY MOTHER, MY LOVER      [back to grid]

The Fifties Laughathon comes to an end this week with the edgy sitcom MY MOTHER, MY LOVER. Starring Hughie Green and Shirley MacLaine (in her first and last small-screen rôle), this series which ran from September 8th, 1952 to September 8th, 1952, chronicles the risqué relationship between 37-year-old Malcolm Dreepcad and his housebound mother, Dolores.

This episode, which features strong language and old female nudity from the start, was considered groundbreaking in its day, and was nominated for several awards. Fred Astaire co-stars as Malcolm's homosexual stripper friend.

HOSPITAL, 90210      [back to grid]

Effortlessly blending the adrenalin-pumping excitement of ER with the ditzy blonde women of BEVERLY HILLS 90210, this series is written by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, and stars Brian Austin Green (BEVERLY HILLS 90210), Melissa Joan Hart (SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH), Sarah Michelle Gellar (BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Jennifer Love Hewitt (PARTY OF FIVE) and other people with far too many names. Bruce Willis appears irregularly as Father Benedict Kahlua, a monk ghost attempting to revive his dying career.

In this episode, which is BRAND NEW to us, but was shown on every other channel last month, Eloise who lost her baby last week marries her bisexual doctor, Dr Martinez, who doesn't speak a word of English, while his ex-lover Michael is considering his options after escaping from Judith, his kidnapper who is actually Maria, except she can't remember because she suffers from amnesia caused by a car accident in which Francis, Eloise's father and Maria's brother, lost his life even though his body was never found and Charles thinks someone is looking at him through his bedroom window at night even though his lover Emma Sue, who is married to Eloise's dead baby's father, Jack, doesn't hear a thing, although she is deaf as a result of a botched face lift performed by Dr Martinez!

Subtitles are available, but they'll just confuse you even more.

Guest Star: Christina Applegate attempts to play a blonde. Bless.

PAMELA ANDERSON & TOMMY LEE
A Love Story      [back to grid]

Possibly the greatest love match in celebrity history, a marriage made in heaven, soul mates entwined for ever in love and mutual respect, Pamela Anderson, multi-talented actress of BAYWATCH and VIP and Tommy Lee, multi-talented bass player with rock legends... whatsit. This is the greatest story ever told. Their wedding, sealed with a loving kiss on a beautiful sun-drenched beach in Malibu or somewhere was the greatest single event of the year they got married. Since then, they have been inseperable, displaying their undying love for each other at every available opportunity and even in a boat! The crazy love-struck fools.

Pamela is lovingly portrayed by model Heidi Klum and Tommy by FRIENDS star David Schwimmer (wearing a wig made entirely of hand-crafted afghan). George Clooney is the priest. And the divorce lawyer. And Pamela's other lovers.

And a gun-toting madman.

AMERICA'S BLOODIEST HEAD WOUNDS      [back to grid]

U2 rock star Bono returns with more exclusive pictures of open-head surgery that go hilariously askew! Also in this episode, Regis Philbin goes out and about with a camera crew and a really heavy hammer to cause some head wounds of his own. The psychotic fucker.

AMERICA'S BLOODIEST HEAD WOUNDS. Antics and spilled head bits a-plenty.

MHTV TELETHON      [back to grid]

Our almost-weekly telethon returns to raise yet more money so that we can continue providing you, the viewer, with unparalleled entertainment every single night. Presented by Aussie singer/actor, Jason Donovon, this show will stay on air until we've raised £5000. No matter how long it takes.

Featured acts: John Lithgow does impressions of former presidents; Kevin Bacon attempts to swallow 15 razor-sharp knives; Meryl Streep amputates her own legs while playing Queen hit 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on a tambourine; Mark Wahlberg reads from a book without moving his lips.

Donations can be made on dedicated number 01-38733-2322328232-40684823293-485723572324890234839348
8497383-3738477383397332-2873-2-2-43-5-321
378433-4443
4333-9
67
2

Calls cost £2.50 per minute while the sun remains in the sky. £327.93 per millisecond at all other times.

FLINT STONED      [back to grid]

Early evening chattiness from satan-haired dancer Keith Flint out of British musical act, THE PRODIGY. And he's high on some drugs!

This week, Keith chats with Russian president Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin while snorting cocaine from a £200-a-night hooker's thighs, and injects heroin into his knob while talking to film director Roman Polanski about his latest project.

Music by golfer Tiger Woods.

WHAT A SHIT LIFE      [back to grid]

What THE REAL WORLD is to MTV, so WHAT A SHIT LIFE is to MHTV. We've rounded up several misfits of society and put them in an house on an island somewhere off the west coast where they can mess around and get on each other's nerves every day. Jackie sleeps with Phil, but regrets it. Like we actually care.

Saul is the token black with issues.

Narrated by: C Thomas Howell. He was in that 'Soul Man' film, remember? Oh, you do remember him. Really. You must do.

HANGING FROM CENTRAL PARK      [back to grid]

Actress Alyssa Milano presents more organised lynchings from the center of New York City. Only on MHTV. It's only a matter of time before ALL the channels are doing this. Trust us.

This week: Mass murderer Gareth Filpin, gangland killer Paulo Socco, and actor Luke Perry.

3D glasses are in your local television guide.
Written by Jerry Springer.

THE COMEDY COMPUTER      [back to grid]

More comedy capers written exclusively for MHTV by a Microsoft Windows 95-powered IBM PC. A team of experts led by Jerry Seinfeld feed details into the machine each week, and out pops a laugh-filled script, filled with laughs!

In this BRAND NEW EPISODE, singer Errol Brown and rugby player Jonah Lomu play a couple of car mechanics who have to fix a Porsche before an earthquake destroys their garage. Also starring Matt Le Blanc, Helen Hunt, David Spade & the dumb one from VERONICA'S CLOSET.

THE COMEDY COMPUTER. Forty eight megs of hilarity!

REMEMBERING FONZ      [back to grid]

Another celebrity reminisces about fifties-based sitcom HAPPY DAYS and the Fonz in particular.

This week: Soul singer and actor Brandy talks about how 'Heeeeeey. Sit on it.' changed her life.

SPEED      [back to grid]

More drugged-up fun and adventures from some people strung out on speed. In this episode, window cleaner Marc Blasquette takes some speed and falls off a roof onto his own car. Also, Gary Fruüt has severe speed flashbacks and attempts to scratch his own eyes out. And two teenagers try to break into a house while on speed, but end up impaling themselves on some furniture.

Host: Steve Martin.

THE BONER COLLECTOR      [back to grid]

Late night adult entertainment starring Krystal Chandelier and Buster Packet.

Quadriplegic forensics 'detective' Packet uses the only limb that works on his body to find a serial killer. Not really sure how, but there's plenty of strange camera angles and bad lighting. Chandelier is the cop who delivers the pizza. And Packet has no money. So he has sex with her. And he's wearing a moustache. Which falls off. Fantastic!

This version features no anal-related sex.