It takes a college degree to fly an aeroplane but only a high school diploma to fix one. This should be reassuring to those who fly routinely.

After each flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then the pilot review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that the ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quanta’s’ pilots (market with a A. P.) And the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way Quanta is the only major airline that never had an accident.

P. Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S. Almost replaced left inside main Tyre.

P. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P. Something loose in cockpit.
S. Something tightened in Cockpit.

P. Dead bugs on windshield.
S. Live bugs on back-order.

P. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P. Evidence of leak on main right landing gear.
S. Evidence removed.

P. DME volume unbelievably loud.
S. DME set to believably level

P. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S. That’s what there for.

P. IFF inoperative.
S. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P. Suspected crack in windshield.
S. Suspect your right.

P. No 3 engine missing.
S. Engine found on right wing in brief search.

P. Aircraft handles funny.
S. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P. Target radar hums.
S. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P. Mouse in Cockpit.
S. cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with hammer.
S. Took hammer away from midget.