I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
- Jack Handey
I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time.
- Charlie Brown
I might be in the basement.
I'll go upstairs and check.
We adore chaos because
we love to produce order.
I don't use drugs;
my dreams are frightening enough.
- M. C. Escher
Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
- Colonel Flagg
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
- Danny Baker
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- Jack Handey
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
- Jack Handey
If we could just get
everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine
how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
- Anon
There was an advert
I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I’ve just seen the Four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love, it’s not the end of the world."
- Simon Barnes, "The Times"
"More fun than a barrel
of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright
vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from
the barrel?
- Tom Shales
"If you choke a Smurf,
what colour does it turn?"
- Jeff Dunham
"When Arizona became
a state in 1912, the first man it sent to the United States Senate was
a loquacious cowboy called Henry Fountain Ashurst. In his first address
to the Senate, Mr Ashurst boasted that Arizona was 'poised to become a
veritable paradise.' Only two things were needed, he said: 'Water, and
lots of good people'. According to legend, a senator from New England responded,
'If the gentleman from Arizona will forgive me, that's all they need in
hell.'"
- Seen in "The Economist"
Every normal man must
be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin
slitting throats.
- H. L. Mencken
There are some situations
from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.
- George Orwell
"Everyone should have
an evil secret plan..."
- Denis Leary
"No matter how cynical
I get I just can’t keep up."
- Nora Ephron
Today I can't stand
that my gilfriend plays poker online every night for like 5 hours straight
and eats in front of the computer. I told her to choose between me and
poker. Her answer: "I know you're bluffing." Jinxed!
- Read more Jinxed! quotes at Jinked.org
Never play poker with
a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a
woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
- Algren's Law
A recent police study
found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
- Dennis Miller
I was never over-weight,
just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven
feet ten and a half inches.
- Brendan Grace
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur (anything said in Latin sounds profound).
- Anon
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov
Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog — few people are interested, and the frog dies.
- EB White, "A Subtreasury of American Humor"
~
The tooth fairy teaches
children that they can sell body parts for money.
- David Richerby
What does Christmas
mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?
- Ian O'Doherty
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
I love giving opinions, I've got hundreds.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.
Wanted : Person willing to seal gas leaks with candle. Must be willing to travel.
Mind intentionally left blank...
Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Once I saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.
Better an empty head than an empty bed.
If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
This could be entertaining, meaning embarrassing.
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Tact is for people who aren't clever enough to take the p*ss.
Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.
What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?
Women make silly generalisations.
I'd explain it to you, but your head would blow up.
We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
It's so late it's almost early.
You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Speak softly but drive a Sherman tank.
When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.
"I believe in a reasonable
amount of "right to bear arms". But private citizens of the United States
are not allowed to own nuclear weapons. I always wanted a nuclear weapon,
if I could have gotten one. I'm every other kind of power, but I'm not
a nuclear power."
- Ted Turner
I fear this civilization
will end not with someone villainous saying "Now your destiny is at hand!"
but with someone saying something bureaucratic like "I ain’t authorized
to let you use that containment suit here — you can try coming back next
week maybe."
- Todd Seavey
"A slipping gear could
let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would
make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit."
- PS Magazine, US Army's preventative maintenance publication, 1993.
If you are completely
buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and spit in it. The
saliva will fall down, giving you an idea of which direction is up. Dig
up.
- A survival tip from the "Worst Case Scenario" calendar
"Yea, though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil: For I am
the meanest SOB in the valley."
"To err is human,
to forgive divine. Neither of which is the policy of the US Marine Corps."
- United States Marine Corps slogans
"May the forces of
evil become confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin
"May you come to the
attention of the authorities."
- Ancient Chinese curse
Atilla The Hun's Maxim:
If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that
order.
- PJ Plauger, "Programming On Purpose"
When I was a kid we
were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play
with.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I don’t have a drinking
problem, except when I can’t get a drink.
- Tom Waits
"Ed, I see you're out
drinking again. What's the occasion?"
"I was sober."
- Ed Byrne, on RTE's "The Panel"
Take time with your
beer. The pub is not on fire.
We race with our legs
not with our beers.
Happy hour is a nice
gesture not a challenge.
- Slogans from Dutch Beer Amstel's UK ad campaign
"Hey citrus! Hey liquor!
I love it when when you touch each other."
- The Hold Steady, "Citrus"
No guy in the history
of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a
little.
- Jay Black
The esteemed 20th century
American journalist HL Macken opined that there were two impossibilities
in life: "just one drink" and "an honest politician".
- seen in "The Irish Independent"
According to Snopes.com
most money has trace amounts of cocaine on it. Maybe money can make you
happy after all.
- Quote spotted on IMAO
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
- Emo Philips
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
- Bob Monkhouse
"I'm actually pale
blue. It takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white."
- Billy Connolly
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
Whenever I hear the
word "share" I would reach for a gun if I had one. "Share" is frequently
followed by the word "feelings", and I have enough of my own thank you;
please do us both a favor and repress yours.
- Stewart Brand
I am all in favour
of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.
- John Gielgud, "Forty Years On"
There is not enough
time to do all the nothing we want to do.
- Bill Watterson
If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.
- Wintermute
"One of my most vivid childhood memories: 1987, spring. The seventeen-year cicadas emerge from the ground."
- caption from a "Toothpaste for Dinner" cartoon
I don't intend to offend; I just offend with my intent.
"We've done a terrible
thing."
"Yes, if only there
was some magical liquid that could erase bad memories..."
- Alan and Charlie, in the bar, "Two and a Half Men"
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
<Insert Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.
I know that there are
people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
- Tom Lehrer
Guy goes into a bar
with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?"
Guy says, "This is
a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
- Rodney Dangerfield
A lock is better than
suspicion.
He who gets a name
for early rising can stay in bed until midday.
Beauty does not boil
the pot.
The wearer best knows
where the shoe pinches.
Two shorten the road.
Will you walk with
me to take the bare look off me?
The road to a friend's
house is never long.
- Irish Proverbs
Love your neighbour,
yet pull not downe thy hedge.
- Old English Proverb
They must have clean
fingers who would blow another’s nose.
- Danish proverb
To cure sore eyes,
kiss a red-head.
Poor folks have poor
ways, and rich folk damned mean ones.
- Backcountry proverbs
Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate joke. Can you help? Call on 555-1249.
~
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
- Woody Allen
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- Mitch Hedberg
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster : "I wish the toaster to be happy too"
As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.
Things ain't what they
used to be, and probably never was.
- Will Rogers
To err is human, but
it feels divine.
- Mae West.
It was an accident
officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran
into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
- B. Hill
"If you can get your
hands on a child ... for ethical research purposes..."
- Ennis, PSYCH 101 @ www.mathnews.uwaterloo.ca
"Our new V6 has the
fastest acceleration on icy surfaces on downhill roads in Swedish forests."
- Ennis, PSYCH 101 @ www.mathnews.uwaterloo.ca
Ghetto guy #1: "Who
do you think is better, Bernie Mac or Mr. T?"
Ghetto guy #2: "Obviously
Mr. T. He uses pronouns more efficiently."
- seen at "Overheard in New York"
Dumb teen: "Hey, look
at this! It says 'Train for jobs in beeyotch.'"
Smarter teen: "Fool!
That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?"
- seen at "Overheard in New York"
"I've been doing some
research — in real life there is no algebra."
- Audrey, "Twin Peaks"
"Tyra is that you,
what are you doing here? "
"Nothing just wishing
I could build a time machine and go back and shoot who ever it is that
invented Algebra, that’s for sure."
"Well, see that’s
kind of a Catch-22, though because in order to invent that time machine
you may need to use Algebra."
- Landry and Tyra, "Friday Night Lights"
Without television
I would probably be an incredibly literate scholar of 17th century mathematics
who is a hit at social gatherings.
- Richard Keller, "TV Squad"
Don’t even ask. This
is the best ice cream made in Wisconsin, and it tastes so good because
it has gobs of rich Wisconsin cream, tons of real ingredients for boat-loads
of luscious flavors. That means it’s not low-fat, low-calorie or low-anything,
and that’s why everyone loves it. You want nutrition, eat carrots.
- The "Nutrition Label" seen on ice cream from Madison, Wisconsin
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.
Do not meddle in the
affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Bruce Graham
We're our own dragons
as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
- Tom Robbins
Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Bruce Graham
Do not blame God for
having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.
- Ethiopian proverb
# DEFINITIONS
Alone, adj : In bad company.
TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done..
- WC Fields
Puritan : Someone who is afraid that, somewhere, someone else is having a good time.
- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
- Steven Wright
Grief Inflation: Three
minute silence for the tsunami rather than usual two.
Competitive Compassion:
Trying to outdo others in charitable acts.
Muffin Tops: Girls
whose flabby stomachs hang over low-waisted jeans.
- From Collins' online dictionary (2005)
# ANALOGIES
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
# BEST COLLEGE APPLICATION EVER
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
# DILEMMAS
The Restaurant Where
You Wait Tables Is On Fire! You can only lead one person to safety. You’re
in the weeds tonight. There are forty covers waiting to not burn to death,
including the older divorcee who has been a regular of yours for years
who loves to chat you up for a half hour or more before you even take her
order, but there’s also a birthday party crowded with six year olds, but
there’s also a two-top of newly-weds, but then again, there’s also a man
who says he just found the cure for cancer and before he tells anybody
about it he wanted to celebrate with a nice dinner. "I choose to rescue
the new waitress whom I have not tried to sleep with yet,” you say. Then
you lead her out to the sidewalk where she tells you that she has a boyfriend
just before the roof collapses on the screaming patrons.
- seen on "Girls Are Pretty" blogspot
# OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blind man enters
a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting
there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately
becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender
is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with
a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blond
and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's
a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell
that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."