I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

- A. Whitney Brown Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken? For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. It has also been discovered that cancer causes research in rats. - Unknown When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going? Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table. Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. An optimist is one who believes that a fly is looking for a way to get out. If you cannot bite, don't show your teeth. Butterflies are not insects. They are self-propelled flowers. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult because, as one biologist put it, 'There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists'. I love bears. Love 'em. I'm aware that this preference places me firmly in the same socio-economic group as eight-year-old girls but I care not. Bears are beautiful, and that's the end of it. Polar bears especially. They've got such style.
        - Damien Owens, "The Irish Independent"

"I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?"
        - Billy Connolly

The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
        - Michael Friedman

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.
        - Will Cuppy, "How To Become Extinct"

There would be emotional consequences for sheep farmers.
        - Excerpt from report recommending restocking Scottish Highlands with wolves

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!

This is what all these environmentalists should be doing, finding ways for one form of nature to kill other forms of nature that are inconvenient to man. - Hank, "King Of The Hill" It turns out that conservationism can be fun, with the news that the Norwegian red king crab — which weighs in at an impressive full kilo of juicy crabby goodness per shell — must be eaten as much as possible, because it's scoffing all the other fish in Norway. In fact, it would be remiss of all of us if we didn't eat as many of these buggers as we possible can every week because they now provide a genuine ecological threat to fellow marine life. So, c'mon vegetarians. Let's see how much you really care about the environment.
        - Ian O'Doherty, "The Irish Independent"

The news that animal rights activists in Germany have called for the execution of a puppy polar bear has been greeted with predictable fury from normal people. Knut, the three-month-old pup, has been rejected by his mother in a German zoo and is now being hand-reared by humans. But while you might see that as a charming story, Frank Albrecht, a German animal rights activist, says: "The hand rearing of Knut is in itself a breach of the animal protection code. "Raising him by hand is not appropriate to the species, but rather a blatant violation of animal welfare laws," Albrecht told the German paper Bild. "In actual fact, the zoo needs to kill the bear cub. I don't consider it appropriate for the species that the little polar bear is being raised on a bottle. One should have had the courage to put him to sleep much earlier."
        - reported in "The Irish Independent"

Romanian cattle rustlers tried to outfox the local police by putting Wellington boots on the two cows they stole so police couldn't follow their hoof marks. Nearly genius, but... they hadn't counted on the dastardly pig that followed them leaving a trail of trotter prints for the police to follow.
        - reported in Dublin's "Evening Herald"

"Do you think to yourself, 'Wow, I saw this chicken and she was gorgeous?'"

        - Les Dennis talks to the chickens in the Big Brother House, "Celebrity Big Brother"

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

"Do you think he'll be surprised to see me?"
"Yes, at first. Then he'll realize he's a monkey, and isn't capable of that emotion. " According to a University of California–San Diego study released Monday, sexism is rampant throughout the natural world, particularly among the highest classes of vertebrates.
"When we first decided to examine attitudes and behaviors toward gender roles among non-humans, we were wholly unprepared for what we would find," said Jennifer Tannen, leader of the UCSD research team, a joint venture between the school's zoology and women's studies departments. "Females living in the wild routinely fall victim to everything from stereotyping to exclusion from pack activities to sexual harassment." Nowhere is the natural world's gender inequity more transparent, Tannen said, than in the unfair burden females assume for the rearing of offspring.

        - The Onion.Com, "Sexism Rampant In Nature"

 If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

        - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

        - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

        - Mitch Hedberg


Sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.

Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will turn instinctively for more assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject submission, the kitten will brace its tiny body for a frantic resistance. Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this - one dog does not change a bone with another. He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals. If you think that something small cannot make a difference - try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room. Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. Stupidity is the devil. Look in the eye of a chicken and you'll know. It's the most horrifying, cannibalistic, and nightmarish creature in this world." Every animal leaves traces of what it was; man alone leaves traces of what he created. Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you. Men and animals regard each other across a gulf of mutual incomprehension.

        - WG Sebald

The difference between humans and animals is simple : In animals the primary form of evolution is genetic, natural evolution. In humans, the primary form is memetic, cultural evolution. One generation of animals transmits its genes to the next. One generation of humans transmits its knowledge to the next.

- Unknown Man is a historical being : The realisations of the powers of human individuals living at any one time takes the cooperation of many generations (or even societies) over a long period of time. By contrast with humankind, every individual animal can and does do what for the most part it might do, or what any other of its kind might or can do that lives at the same time. - John Rawls, "A Theory of Justice" When I consider that the noble animals have been exterminated here — the cougar, panther, lynx, wolverine, wolf, bear, moose, deer, the beaver, the turkey, etc, etc — I cannot but feel as I lived in a tamed, and, as it were, emasculated country.

        - Henry David Thoreau, writing in America in 1855

What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?

- Thomas Nagel It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much---the wheel, New York, wars and so on---whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man---for precisely the same reasons. Dolphins : Animals that are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them food three times a day. The most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendents not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships, or being patronised by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" DOGS

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the constant popularity of dogs. Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. I named my dog 'Stay'... so I can say 'Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.' When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones. #


Consider the situation. There you are, forehead like a set of balconies, worrying about the long-term effects of all this new 'fire' stuff on the environment, you're being chased and eaten by most of the planet's large animals, and suddenly tiny versions of one of the worst of them wanders into the cave and starts to purr.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed.

In ancient Egypt, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. This house is owned & operated solely for the comfort & convenience of the CATS! Beware of people who dislike cats. The cat is a lion to the mouse. SEPARATES

"Love is what seperates us from animals."
"No, Lister. What seperates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals."

Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love all year round, madam; that is all there is to distinguish us from other animals. Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals -- we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home. ENVIRONMENT

Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock.
It is... difficult to think of a single natural system that has not, for better or worse, been substantially modified by human culture.
The cultural habits of humanity have always made room for the sacredness of nature.

        - Simon Schama, "Landscapes and Memory"

Although denying that we have a special position in the natural world might seem becomingly modest in the eye of eternity, it might also be used as an excuse for evading our responsibilities. The fact is that no species has ever had such wholesale control over everything on earth, living or dead, as we now have. That lays upon us, whether we like it or not, an awesome responsibility. In our hands now lies not only our own future, but that of all living creatures with whom we share the earth.

        - David Attenborough, "Life On Earth"

Only after the last tree has been cut down, Only after the last river has been poisoned,Only after the last fish has been caught, Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.

That's the old ecological tale that explains humans' inability to fully appreciate global warming. To wit: if you drop a frog in a pan of hot water, it jumps out. If you drop it in a pan of cold water, then turn the heat up slowly, you can roast it to death. "When the axe came into the forest, the trees said the handle is one of us"

        - Alice Walker, "Possessing the Secret of Joy"

The Greenpeace booth at all the rock and roll shows nowadays are akin to the old sorcerers who used to stand in the middle of villages warning of danger, 'When night wolf swallows mother moon, there will be great famine.'

Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of science and technology, an area in which, until recently, no one - even the staunchest supporters of science and technology - had ever thought to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is forecast the weather! - for the next one hundred years... While it might surprise many ecologists to hear, capitalism is itself the ultimate form of conservationism. Capitalists seek to conserve resources, not because of sentimental feelings about nature or the earth or whales or worry about the well-being of future generations, but simply because every drop of oil, every ton of ore, every shipment of wood saved is a cost reduction and money in the pocket. There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled `Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts are not part of "Nature" : but beavers and their dams are. "I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath." "To only a few chemicals does man owe as great a debt as to DDT... In little more than two decades, DDT has prevented 500 million human deaths, due to malaria, that otherwise would have been inevitable." Ecology is often confused with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate part of an ecosystem. "The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic) missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer." May this continent, the last explored by humankind, be the first one to be spared by humankind. The Kappamaki, a whaling research ship, was currently researching the question: How many whales can you catch in one week? *

Return to Quotes index, or Site homepage.