DEEP ANIMAL QUOTES
I am not a vegetarian
because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown
Go on, try weasel, try
squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes
just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?
For animals, the entire
universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat,
(c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
- Equal Rites, "Terry
It has been discovered
that research causes cancer in rats. It has also been discovered that cancer
causes research in rats.
When rats leave a sinking
ship, where exactly do they think they're going?
Basically Ken is a very
gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had
a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and
banging its head on the table.
Don't look back, the lemmings
are gaining on you.
An optimist is one who
believes that a fly is looking for a way to get out.
If you cannot bite, don't
show your teeth.
Butterflies are not insects.
They are self-propelled flowers.
- Robert A. Heinlein,
Campaigns to bearproof
all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult because, as one
biologist put it, 'There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence
levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists'.
I love bears. Love 'em.
I'm aware that this preference places me firmly in the same socio-economic
group as eight-year-old girls but I care not. Bears are beautiful, and
that's the end of it. Polar bears especially. They've got such style.
- Damien Owens, "The Irish Independent"
"I don't like the beach.
I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't
belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt
the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take
the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?"
- Billy Connolly
The scientific name
for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
- Michael Friedman
The Dodo never had
a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming
extinct and that was all he was good for.
- Will Cuppy, "How To Become Extinct"
There would be emotional
consequences for sheep farmers.
- Excerpt from report recommending restocking Scottish Highlands with wolves
And what is the Scientific
Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP.
Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already
do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!
This is what all these
environmentalists should be doing, finding ways for one form of nature
to kill other forms of nature that are inconvenient to man.
- Hank, "King Of
It turns out that conservationism
can be fun, with the news that the Norwegian red king crab — which weighs
in at an impressive full kilo of juicy crabby goodness per shell — must
be eaten as much as possible, because it's scoffing all the other fish
in Norway. In fact, it would be remiss of all of us if we didn't eat as
many of these buggers as we possible can every week because they now provide
a genuine ecological threat to fellow marine life. So, c'mon vegetarians.
Let's see how much you really care about the environment.
- Ian O'Doherty, "The Irish Independent"
The news that animal
rights activists in Germany have called for the execution of a puppy polar
bear has been greeted with predictable fury from normal people. Knut, the
three-month-old pup, has been rejected by his mother in a German zoo and
is now being hand-reared by humans. But while you might see that as a charming
story, Frank Albrecht, a German animal rights activist, says: "The hand
rearing of Knut is in itself a breach of the animal protection code. "Raising
him by hand is not appropriate to the species, but rather a blatant violation
of animal welfare laws," Albrecht told the German paper Bild. "In actual
fact, the zoo needs to kill the bear cub. I don't consider it appropriate
for the species that the little polar bear is being raised on a bottle.
One should have had the courage to put him to sleep much earlier."
- reported in "The Irish Independent"
Romanian cattle rustlers
tried to outfox the local police by putting Wellington boots on the two
cows they stole so police couldn't follow their hoof marks. Nearly genius,
but... they hadn't counted on the dastardly pig that followed them leaving
a trail of trotter prints for the police to follow.
- reported in Dublin's "Evening Herald"
"Do you think to yourself,
'Wow, I saw this chicken and she was gorgeous?'"
- Les Dennis talks to the chickens in the Big Brother House, "Celebrity
A hen is only an egg's
way of making another egg.
"Do you think he'll be
surprised to see me?"
"Yes, at first. Then
he'll realize he's a monkey, and isn't capable of that emotion. "
- Ross & Chandler
discuss Marcel the Monkey in "Friends"
According to a University
of California–San Diego study released Monday, sexism is rampant throughout
the natural world, particularly among the highest classes of vertebrates.
"When we first decided
to examine attitudes and behaviors toward gender roles among non-humans,
we were wholly unprepared for what we would find," said Jennifer Tannen,
leader of the UCSD research team, a joint venture between the school's
zoology and women's studies departments. "Females living in the wild routinely
fall victim to everything from stereotyping to exclusion from pack activities
to sexual harassment." Nowhere is the natural world's gender inequity more
transparent, Tannen said, than in the unfair burden females assume for
the rearing of offspring.
- The Onion.Com, "Sexism Rampant In Nature"
If toast always
lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens
if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Just because swans mate
for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a
swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than
the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wouldn't be surprised
if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there
inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is
a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because
it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny
Combat little toy guy - something like that.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
My apartment is infested
with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches.
When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want
'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you.
And feed you a leaf."
- Mitch Hedberg
Sheep are stupid, and
have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.
- Terry Pratchett,
Confront a child, a puppy,
and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will turn instinctively for
more assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject submission, the kitten
will brace its tiny body for a frantic resistance.
Man is an animal that
makes bargains; no other animal does this - one dog does not change a bone
He who is cruel to animals
becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a
man by his treatment of animals.
If you think that something
small cannot make a difference - try going to sleep with a mosquito in
Dogs are our link to paradise.
They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a
hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing
was not boring - it was peace.
Did you ever walk into
a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their
Stupidity is the devil.
Look in the eye of a chicken and you'll know. It's the most horrifying,
cannibalistic, and nightmarish creature in this world."
Every animal leaves traces
of what it was; man alone leaves traces of what he created.
- Jacob Bronowski,
"The Ascent of Man"
Whenever you observe an
animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making
fun of you.
- Elias Canetti, The
Men and animals regard
each other across a gulf of mutual incomprehension.
- WG Sebald
The difference between
humans and animals is simple : In animals the primary form of evolution
is genetic, natural evolution. In humans, the primary form is memetic,
cultural evolution. One generation of animals transmits its genes to the
next. One generation of humans transmits its knowledge to the next.
Man is a historical being
: The realisations of the powers of human individuals living at any one
time takes the cooperation of many generations (or even societies) over
a long period of time. By contrast with humankind, every individual animal
can and does do what for the most part it might do, or what any other of
its kind might or can do that lives at the same time.
- John Rawls, "A
Theory of Justice"
When I consider that the
noble animals have been exterminated here — the cougar, panther, lynx,
wolverine, wolf, bear, moose, deer, the beaver, the turkey, etc, etc —
I cannot but feel as I lived in a tamed, and, as it were, emasculated country.
- Henry David Thoreau, writing in America in 1855
What is it like to
be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?
- Thomas Nagel
It is an important and
popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on
the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than
dolphins because he had achieved so much---the wheel, New York, wars and
so on---whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water
having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that
they were far more intelligent than man---for precisely the same reasons.
- Douglas Adams, The
Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Dolphins : Animals that
are so intelligent that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them food three times
The most prudent thing
any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendents not to
spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or
sticking mines on the bottom of ships, or being patronised by zoologists,
is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it.
- Terry Pratchett,
I think animal testing
is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
- "A Bit of Fry and
Any member introducing
a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound.
Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
- Rule 46, Oxford
Union Society, London
To his dog, every man
is Napoleon. Hence the constant popularity of dogs.
Know yourself. Don't accept
your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
I wonder if other dogs
think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Do not make the mistake
of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.
Money will buy you a pretty
good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.
I hope if dogs ever take
over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because
I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Deep Thoughts by
I named my dog 'Stay'...
so I can say 'Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.'
When a dog runs at you,
whistle for him.
A dog reflects the family
life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy
one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous
- Sherlock Holmes,
"The Adventure Of The Creeping Man"
Consider the situation.
There you are, forehead like a set of balconies, worrying about the long-term
effects of all this new 'fire' stuff on the environment, you're being chased
and eaten by most of the planet's large animals, and suddenly tiny versions
of one of the worst of them wanders into the cave and starts to purr.
- Why humans like
cats (Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat)
There are many intelligent
species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
Stupidity killed the
cat. Curiousity was framed.
In ancient Egypt, cats
were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Ignorant people think
it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it
ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.
Cats are smarter than
dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Jeff Valdez
There's more than one
way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
This house is owned &
operated solely for the comfort & convenience of the CATS!
Beware of people who dislike
The cat is a lion to the
"Love is what seperates
us from animals."
"No, Lister. What
seperates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our
- Lister & Rimmer,
Drinking when we are not
thirsty and making love all year round, madam; that is all there is to
distinguish us from other animals.
- Pierre De Beaumarchais,The
Marriage of Figaro
Man is the only animal
that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until
he eats them.
I had a linguistics professor
who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant
species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing
that separates us from animals -- we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Human beings are the only
creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home.
Landscapes are culture
before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood
and water and rock.
It is... difficult
to think of a single natural system that has not, for better or worse,
been substantially modified by human culture.
The cultural habits
of humanity have always made room for the sacredness of nature.
- Simon Schama, "Landscapes and Memory"
Although denying that
we have a special position in the natural world might seem becomingly modest
in the eye of eternity, it might also be used as an excuse for evading
our responsibilities. The fact is that no species has ever had such wholesale
control over everything on earth, living or dead, as we now have. That
lays upon us, whether we like it or not, an awesome responsibility. In
our hands now lies not only our own future, but that of all living creatures
with whom we share the earth.
- David Attenborough, "Life On Earth"
Only after the last
tree has been cut down, Only after the last river has been poisoned,Only
after the last fish has been caught, Only then will you find that money
cannot be eaten.
That's the old ecological
tale that explains humans' inability to fully appreciate global warming.
To wit: if you drop a frog in a pan of hot water, it jumps out. If you
drop it in a pan of cold water, then turn the heat up slowly, you can roast
it to death.
"When the axe came into
the forest, the trees said the handle is one of us"
- Alice Walker, "Possessing the Secret of Joy"
The Greenpeace booth
at all the rock and roll shows nowadays are akin to the old sorcerers who
used to stand in the middle of villages warning of danger, 'When night
wolf swallows mother moon, there will be great famine.'
- Pj O'Rourke, "The
Politics Of Worry"
Perhaps of even greater
significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology
that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains
science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power
plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread
that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
When it comes to global
warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental
movement displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of
science and technology, an area in which, until recently, no one - even
the staunchest supporters of science and technology - had ever thought
to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the environmental
movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are
entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is forecast the weather!
- for the next one hundred years...
- George Reisman,
"The Toxicity of Environentalism"
While it might surprise
many ecologists to hear, capitalism is itself the ultimate form of conservationism.
Capitalists seek to conserve resources, not because of sentimental feelings
about nature or the earth or whales or worry about the well-being of future
generations, but simply because every drop of oil, every ton of ore, every
shipment of wood saved is a cost reduction and money in the pocket.
- Steven E Plaut,
"The Joy Of Capitalism"
There are hidden contradictions
in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities"
with which "Man has spoiled `Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in
their choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts are not part
of "Nature" : but beavers and their dams are.
- Robert A. Heinlein,
Time Enough For Love
"I walk up a dune to a
beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in
their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands
of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should
be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine
and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing
an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath."
- AA Gill, reporting
from Uzbekistan on Communism's legacy
"To only a few chemicals
does man owe as great a debt as to DDT... In little more than two decades,
DDT has prevented 500 million human deaths, due to malaria, that otherwise
would have been inevitable."
- US National Academy
of Sciences Committee, 1970.
Ecology is often confused
with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out
the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate part of an ecosystem.
- Frank Herbert, "Maker
"The Air Force is reacting
to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the
intercontinental (ballistic) missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on
board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear
holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer."
- Access to Energy,
May this continent, the
last explored by humankind, be the first one to be spared by humankind.
- Jacques-Yves Cousteau,
1973, on Antartica
The Kappamaki, a whaling
research ship, was currently researching the question: How many whales
can you catch in one week?
- Terry Pratchett
& Neil Gaiman, "Good Omens"
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