George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill:]
"Dear Winnie, Here are two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one."
"Dear GBS, Sorry, but I can't make it to the opening night of your new play. However I would appreciate tickets to the second night performance - if you have one."
[ Insults between Lady
Astor & Winston Churchill ]
"Sir, if I were married to you, I would serve you posion in your wine."
"Madam, if I were married to you, I would drink it."
[ Insults between WC
& Besse Bradock MP ]
"Sir, you are drunk."
"Indeed, Madam, and you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."
[On political opponent
"A sheep in sheep's clothing."
[On Stanley Baldwin]
"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened."
[On The Times' newspaper
during the Irish Home Rule debate]
"The Times is speechless, and takes three columns to express its speechlessness."
"The Sun has the class
of a polyester shirt and the soul of a Colombian hit-man."
- The Washington Post, 1989
"Have English class
barriers broken down?"
"Of course they have, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here talking to someone like you."
- Sandra Harris, making the mistake of interviewing Barbara Cartland
"It is not for us to
give an assessment to what happened, but in our opinion the reputation
of British science, the reputation of the British government, and the reputation
of the title 'Sir' has sustained heavy damage."
- Andrei Illarionov, on Sir David King's performance at a Climate Change conference in Russia
"Miniscule For Sport."
- Giacomo Malverni, describing then British Minister for Sport, diminuitive Colin Moynihan
"The one good thing
about global warming is that as the waters rise, Hazel Blears will drown
- Anonymous Labour MP, about the diminuitive Cabinet minister
"As he is a most egregious
ass he is not dangerous."
- Bernard Levin, describing union leader Clive Jenkins
"The damnest scoundrel
that ever lived, but in the infinite mercy of Providence... also the damnest
- Abraham Lincoln, describing political rival General John Fremont
"Now that soldiers
have become statesmen in America, are the troops goose-stepping?"
"Please tell Mr Molotov that I’m not sure I understand the purport of his remark, but if it is what I think it is, tell him I do not like it."
- George Marshall, US Secretary of State, refusing to be insulted by the Soviet Ambassdaor
"He's an evil reptilian
kitten eater from another planet."
- Email from Ernie Eves Campaign describing political rival Dalton McGuinty (Canada'03)
When David Gest split
from Liza and launched a multi-million dollar suit on grounds of physical
abuse, Jon Stewart observed, "There is no conceivable amount of money worth
telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli."
- Mark Steyn
"Pamela Anderson revealed
all the taste and refinement of a hooker on holiday."
- Joan Collins, on fashion at the Oscars
"I've never met her
but everyone says she is really rude and arrogant. If he's stuck with the
shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down."
- Joan Rivers, on Victoria and David Beckham
A lot of ass but so
very little class.
- Ian O'Doherty, after Sadie Frost poses nude for PETA, "The Irish Independent"
Jo O'Meara looks uncannily
like the b*****d child of Pat Butcher and Vinnie Jones.
- Ian O'Doherty
Rat-faced council estate
escapee... A uniquely unpleasant individual with appalling taste in men.
Or should that be taste in appalling men?
- Ian O'Doherty, on Kate Moss
"Jade Goody: men all
over the country want to take her home and shag her brains in."
- Jonathon Ross
Anyone who grew up
in the South (of the USA) is bound to have heard the phrase 'poor white
trash'. Teresa Heinz Kerry has given us a new category: 'rich white trash'.
- Thomas Sowell
"You would think with
all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress."
- Ant, US comedian, on waif-like Lara Flynn Boyle's outfit for the 2003 Golden Globes
"A fat person pretending
to be thin."
- Norm of "Hale & Pace", letting fly at Vanessa Feltz on "The Weakest Link"
to shopping with hollow lobotomised heads."
- Brazilian paper Gazeta Esportiva describing the wives and girlfriends of English soccer team
"Sir Martin Sorrell
is more arrogant than the entire French nation put together."
- Alain de Pouzilhac, head of rival advertising group Havas.
"Excuse me, I'm trying
to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while
you're giving blowjobs to transsexuals?"
- Paul Merton, stand up comedian, favourite riposte to hecklers, "Room 101"
"It was like being
toppled on by a wardrobe with the key still in the lock."
- An ex of heavyweight Conservative MP Nicholas Soames recalls their time together
"Why are we honoring
this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
- Milton Berle
"Hello you little bast*rd."
"It's the little I object to."
- Elinor Glyn to Charlie Chaplin in "The Cat's Meow"
"Lola, dear, you know,
there are really only two things I dislike about you."
"Really? What are they?"
- Marina Rudd and Lola Brewster, in "The Mirror Crack'd"
"If you ever have an
idea of your own Sprattley, warn me first. I don't want to die of shock."
- Inspector Abberline to Inspector Sprattley, "Jack The Ripper"
"Guys like you, you
don't quit and you never leave."
- Mary Margaret, to someone spending too much time in a bar, "All the Real Girls"
"I know your name,
but I can't recall your face."
- Oscar Wilde.
When the sharp-tongued
Benjamin Disraeli, so the story goes, was ordered in the last century to
withdraw his declaration that half of the cabinet were asses. "Mr. Speaker,
I withdraw," was Disraeli's response. "Half the cabinet are not asses."
- Benjamin Disraeli, 19th century Conservative Prime Minister
"A sophisticated rhetorician,
inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity."
- Disraeli, describing his great Liberal rival Gladstone
which devour the nutrients and eat up the bowels of India."
- Edmund Burke, letting fly at the board of the East India Company
"Shamed of this necessity...
while I clean out the fellow's s**t-filled mouth I see my own fingers covered
- Sir Thomas More, attacking Martin Luther, from his Latin "Responsio ad Lutherum"
"I have tried him drunk
and I have tried him sober and there is nothing in him."
- England's King Charles II, about Prince George of Denmark
"He mastered whatever
was not worth the knowing."
- James Russell Lowel, dismissing a rival
"I wish I was as cocksure
of anything as Tom Macaulay is of everything."
- Lord Melbourne
"Portsmouth: A city
of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."
- Boris Johnson, Conservative MP
"Worth seeing, but
not worth going so see."
- Dr Johnson, about Antrim's Giant's Causeway
"If that is what the
honourable gentleman really believes, he should take two aspirins, breathe
deeply and lie down in a darkened room."
- Kenneth Clarke, former Conservative Chancellor
"You are a transient,
here today and, if I may say so, gone tomorrow politician."
- BBC Interviewer Robin Day to Conservative Minister, John Nott.
It's probably easier for Lord Deedes to think
the way he does, because he does not have to live the way we do.
- comment seen on 'Telegraph' website
"I'll give him credit
for this: At least he's not a convincing liar. "
- David Frum, watching Ron Paul
"Mr Speaker, I said
the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The
honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases."
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan MP, on being asked to apologise for calling a fellow MP a liar
"No greater love hath
a man than to lay down his friends for his life."
- Anonymous comment after a Harold MacMillan cabinet reshuffle\bloodbath
"The first known case
of a rat joining a sinking ship."
- Anonymous report after Herbert Hoover's appointment of Theodore Joslin
"An excellent man:
he has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde, about George Bernard Shaw (attributed)
"It felt like being
ravaged by a dead sheep."
- Dennis Healey, after a rather easy debate.
In Jonathan King's
"Black Sheep", the large flock on a New Zealand sheep station become lethally
aggressive as the result of reckless genetic engineering... The movie gives
new meaning to Denis Healey's remark about being attacked by Geoffrey Howe.
- Philip French, film critic for "The Observer"
I'll tell you one thing
about llamas. If they take against you, they spit straight in your eye,
directing the jet with appalling accuracy between prominent front teeth.
Very much like Margot Asquith, according to her many backpedalling friends.
- Nancy Banks-Smith, "The Guardian"
He is a man who has
been mastered by the English language. It can do anything with him.
- Clive James, describing Michael Foot
Trained to kill with
her voice, which was like a macaw taking off repeatedly from a steam catapult.
- Clive James, recalling a co-presenter
"I see the pain on
your face when you say the word intellectual, because it has so many syllables
- Clive James, to Stephen Colbert on the "Colbert Report"
John Pilger is a man
who encounters the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse so often he must keep
sugar lumps in his pocket.
- John Smith, "The Irish Independent"
Will we never be free
of the malign effect of this little gargoyle?
- Christopher Hitchens, writing about Henry Kissinger in 2006
If ever a single person
was living proof that intelligence is a meaningless quality without modest
common sense, it was Susan Sontag.
- Kevin Myers, "The Telegraph"
It appears that not
even the heat of ridicule can weaken Rosie O'Donnell's steely resolve to
make an idiot of herself.
- Jonah Goldberg
"You don't hate the
mosquito; you just want it out of your face."
- Simon Cowell, about fellow American Idol host Ryan Seacrest
"It's the kind of Meg
Ryan of birds."
- Michael Parkinson, recalling his difficult 'interview' with Emu
had the great good fortune to be born with looks that were exactly right
for her era. When she left home in 1967, her resemblance to Plug in The
Beano’s Bash Street Kids was, for the first time ever, enormously fashionable.
- Christopher Hart, "The Times"
"You are what you eat?
She looks like she's eaten Gollum off Lord Of The Rings."
- Paul McKenna, describing Dr Gillian McKeith, presenter of "You Are What You Eat"
"Look at her. Shrill,
nagging little face. In Ireland this is what we thought Protestants looked
like when we were growing up. Really pale and miserable and going on at
- Dara O'Briain, sending dietician Gillian McKeith to "Room 101"
"She's a professional
slapper, which appears to be an actual career opportunity in England."
- Brendan O'Connor, on Page Three girl Jodie Marsh
"She had a face on
her that would drive rats from a barn."
- from "The Podge and Rodge Show"
Charlotte Church has
shed four stone by using some new fangled vibrating fitness machine. Unfortunately,
she hasn't shed the 15 stone useless muppet she calls her boyfriend. He
was the orange fella at the rugby yesterday in case you're wondering who
- Ireland's Sunday World takes aim at Gavin Henson
was supposed to have said that Margaret Thatcher had the mouth of Marilyn
Monroe and the eyes of Caligula. Actually, I discover, he said ‘the voice
of Marilyn Monroe and the eyes of Stalin’. "Britain’s Andy Murray" (the
phrase puts a strain on one’s Unionism) has the mouth of Cherie Blair and
the charm of Gordon Brown.
- Charles Moore, "The Sptector"
"I'm a victim of sexual
"No, you're the victim of a cruel sexual experiment performed by your mother and father."
- Harry Enfield
He caught the eye and
arrested it. It was as if nature has intended to make a gorilla, and had
changed its mind at the last moment
- P.G. Wodehouse, "The Code of the Woosters", 1936.
a rude and brainless subculture of fascist drunks, a gang of vicious monkeys
jerking off in a zoo cage... more disgusting by nature than maggots oozing
out the carcass of a dead animal."
- Hunter S Thompson
"Why dont you come
over tonight? Our dogs in heat."
"<tosses coin> Here's the 50p I owe your wife for the blowjob."
- Pj O'Rourke, "Modern Manners"
"I think it's time
I told you this : I slept with your mother... and I think your sister's
- Henry, "Henry Fool"
"Darrell, 40,000 people
die every day. Why aren't you one of them?"
- Bobby Cooper, "U-Turn"
"Don't tease me about
my hobbies. I don't tease you for being an a**hole."
- Mark, "Garden State"
"His brain is showing
less activity than your c*ck."
- Russell Tupper, "Huff"
"Henry's bed is his
province. He can people it with sheep for all I care. Which, on occasion,
he has done."
- Eleanor of Acquitane, about King Henry II, "The Lion In Winter"
She has been kissed
as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- Robertson Davies
Science: "How will
Engineering: "Why will this work?"
Management: "When will this work?"
Arts: "You want fries with that?
I can't think of a
single memorable thing she did the entire time she was there. I've seen
cloud formations that have captured my attention more effectively, and
that's taking into account the fact that Carol was one of the more attractive
girls in the house.
- JJ Hawkins, on Big Brother's Carol, "TV Squad"
Malcolm McLaren’s son
is an underwear maker who finds Tony Blair so "morally corrupt" he really
can’t accept the MBE he had been foolishly offered. Wow. Who knew Malcolm
McLaren could father children? The last time I saw him, he was on the floor
of a bar in New York City, barking like a dog and looking for something
he claimed he had dropped — and, for once, not his trousers.
- Denis Boyles, "National Review"
"They're just jealous
because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization."
- Mayor Vincent J.Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed
I am returning this
otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish
all over it and put your name at the top.
- English Professor, Ohio University
I'm not intending to
imply insult or judgment here but I am curious to know in order to be able
to respond to your posts in an appropriate manner, so please forgive what
appears to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are
- Melinda Shore
"Good career move."
- Gore Vidal, upon hearing of Truman Capote's death
"Don't be so humble,
you're not that great."
- Golda Meir to Moshe Dayan
"He is not enough of
a man to be able to stand a real woman near him."
- Magda Gobbels, about Adolf Hitler
"What other problems
do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?"
- John McEnroe to a spectator at a tennis match
"It's been a bit of
a long battle with Harbhajan. The first time I ever met him he was the
same little obnoxious weed that he is now."
- Matthew Hayden on Indian cricketer Harbhajan Singh.
"You will either die
on the gallows or of a loathsome disease."
- John Montague to John Wilkes
"That depends on whether
I embrace your principles or your mistress."
- John Wilkes in reply
"If one road led to
hell and the other to Mexico, I would be indifferent which to take."
- Nathan Bedford Forrest
"The flesh of your
mother sticks between my teeth."
- Insult from Easter Island
"It's amazing how insults
in most languages sound the same."
- Paul, "In My Father's Den"
I had one guy at a
gas station in New York say to me: "Hey, you look like that Hugh Grant.
- Hugh Grant
The reason so many people turned up at his funeral was to make sure he was dead.
- Abraham Lincoln
"A curse on his virtues, they've undone the country."
- Joseph Addison, "Cato"
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